@christinelovessnickers
13 Years1,000+ Posts
Trying to work things out with an ex
I have tried. I have failed. Did it for love, for hope.
Most of the ones I tried with I no longer speak to.
Looking back, what do you think went wrong or what would you have changed?
A waste of time. Every time. Trapped in the same bs. Valuable learning experiences extended and worn out just to blindingly spend more time with people that weren't right for me.
I can understand that thought. So, knowing now, would you have done it again?
Never actually tried. But I feel like it’s a waste of time for me.
If the original issues were there and unresolved and those can somehow be worked out or if it was just outside circumstances, sure.
But I find that once things have run their course the best way is to take what you’ve learned into new stuff relationships or working on your self.
It's always good to learn from mistakes, unfortunate not everyone does.
The most use of the entire exercise?
It allows you to see what parts of you really need to be healed if you pay attention.
That's a really good point. Not everyone is ready to look or to heal.
Yes and I don't think it's ever a good idea because there's a reason it ended in the first place.
You don't think some of those issues could have been resolved?
Posted by christinelovessnickers
Never actually tried. But I feel like it’s a waste of time for me.
If the original issues were there and unresolved and those can somehow be worked out or if it was just outside circumstances, sure.
But I find that once things have run their course the best way is to take what you’ve learned into new stuff relationships or working on your self.
It's always good to learn from mistakes, unfortunate not everyone does.
For sure. I’m on round 5 of mistakes and I’ve just now started recognizes certain things.
It’s hard to dig deep.
click to expand
Not a comfortable task. I was talking to someone recently who says they understand their negatives, but doesn't see the point in changing them. I find that interesting as I am the type that wants to be better as there is always room for growth.
I did it for the relationship CV, so I can say every one of my exes did better after we met.
factually true if you use selective facts.
Better pick those brightest cherries 😋
First you need to walk away
Give it about 3-4 months
Reinvest into self wholly without intent of reconnecting
Then attempt to make contact, see how it is received.
The Sag and I wee doing some sort of a friendship dance. I dunno if we will get together again, the issues why we broke up are slowly no longer a problem.
I’m dating others, I’m achieving personal goals. I want us to try again but not yet. And only because the reasons we broke up were mostly situational.
Well, sounds like you are doing a good job of it. Do you think that dating others will benefit you in your growth or just enjoying being single? Do you think it takes away focus from trying to work things out with the Sag?
I don't talk to exes on the regular. Despite the bullshit endings, it's all love.
I'm friends with most of my exes, but we respect each other's relationships. Some I would never want to lose, others I'm ok either way.
My current thoughts on this are " What a misfire! "
Posted by christinelovessnickers
Posted by christinelovessnickers
Never actually tried. But I feel like it’s a waste of time for me.
If the original issues were there and unresolved and those can somehow be worked out or if it was just outside circumstances, sure.
But I find that once things have run their course the best way is to take what you’ve learned into new stuff relationships or working on your self.
It's always good to learn from mistakes, unfortunate not everyone does.
For sure. I’m on round 5 of mistakes and I’ve just now started recognizes certain things.
It’s hard to dig deep.
Not a comfortable task. I was talking to someone recently who says they understand their negatives, but doesn't see the point in changing them. I find that interesting as I am the type that wants to be better as there is always room for growth.
There is a balance between knowing how much potential you have to grow vs being content with who you are.
If someone knows it’s a piece they can’t or are unwilling to change that’s fine IMO as long as they don’t drag more people into that bullshit.
If they want to grow then they will do it.
click to expand
I guess I see it as a weakness. They are unwilling ( I believe from our conversations) because they would have to admit and own up to their choices and how they effect people. I'm an asshole and people better accept it vs I'm an asshole and I may have some unresolved issues I don't want to face.
My current thoughts on this are " What a misfire! "
Care to elaborate?
Posted by christinelovessnickers
The most use of the entire exercise?
It allows you to see what parts of you really need to be healed if you pay attention.
That's a really good point. Not everyone is ready to look or to heal.
Absolutely that.
Overall whether its "worth it" or not comes down to the context and situations that led them to be an ex in the first place.
click to expand
Agreed, but I would also add if people are willing to also put in the work to fix it. Someone earlier made a comment that sometimes people just aren't compatible.
I don't talk to exes on the regular. Despite the bullshit endings, it's all love.
I always wonder if I ever loved them at all after the fact.
But I also wonder if I go there because it’s easier for it to have not been real than to grieve the loss of it.
click to expand
How do you know when you love someone?
I could see how that would feel easier.
What's the quote, "better to have loved and lost than to never love at all"??
There have been people that I loved the best I could at the time. Not sure if it was the forever type of romantic love.
Posted by christinelovessnickers
Posted by christinelovessnickers
The most use of the entire exercise?
It allows you to see what parts of you really need to be healed if you pay attention.
That's a really good point. Not everyone is ready to look or to heal.
Absolutely that.
Overall whether its "worth it" or not comes down to the context and situations that led them to be an ex in the first place.
Agreed, but I would also add if people are willing to also put in the work to fix it. Someone earlier made a comment that sometimes people just aren't compatible.
I mean what my experiences have taught me is that situations absolutely can be improved with "work" but there are certain intangibles of people's core disposition and patterns of behavior that are in fact incompatible with whomever you actually are that day. Incompatible with the parts of you that you have chosen, incompatible with the parts of you that you have not.
That incompatibility when recognized and honored frees you from pursuing persons who honestly cannot meet your expectations. It's mindful acceptance which allows you to love yourself and even the other person while still holding space for the reality that the person you love may not be the best person for your health and sustained growth.
click to expand
Well said.
It can work but main question is: is the reason that you broke up being addressed and are there changes to those issues that would make things different now.
I have seen people make things work after the worst breakups. Not sure though for example grandmother was abandoned for 10 years n when he came back she basically said she just buried it n never spoke of it. A whole lifetime later was good? Me personally I could not put my head in the sand but I wonder if these older folk have a certain wisdom we just don’t put up with anymore
I know I'm learning to pick my battles. Definitely a valuable skill as long as you know you can live happily with your choices. I think there was also a more we stick through it mentality. Now it's do much easier to walk away. Depending on the situation is a good or bad thing.
It can work but main question is: is the reason that you broke up being addressed and are there changes to those issues that would make things different now.
Both great questions.
Afaik trying to work things out with an ex almost always results in FWB relationship or one getting hurt once the other has started dating someone else. Honestly, it’s not worth the effort.
You do you, and find someone better.
Afaik trying to work things out with an ex almost always results in FWB relationship or one getting hurt once the other has started dating someone else. Honestly, it’s not worth the effort.
You do you, and find someone better.
Great advice! And so true!
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