Why do guys

Push for commitment, only to change their mind and break up or freak out and run away?

This is a common pattern in my dating life. Pretty much all of my relationships have ended at around the 3 month mark. And seeing as how I am the only common denominator, I'm honestly looking for some outside perspective as to why this happens.

I understand that people date to get to know each other and often stop dating once they realize they're not a good fit. I get that. That makes sense to me.

However once you both decide to be exclusive/be boyfriend&girlfriend, I assume it's because you've both sufficiently vetted each other and can see the other person as part of your life for the foreseeable future. So I really don't understand the following pattern:

1. Guy and I know each other and interact, albeit peripherally (usually through working together, or having a bunch of mutual friends, etc.)

2. Guy asks me out. There is some interest there on my part, so I say yes.

3. Usually after the third or so date, guy confesses to having a huge crush on me and having observed me for a while.. Like as in months or years. I find the extent of their interest surprising, but I like them too and we get along really well, so we keep seeing each other.

4. After about a month, guy asks for exclusivity. He states that he sees me as serious long term relationship material and that he wanted to make sure he was ready for that before he asked me out.

5. After about 2-3 months they start to withdraw (usually within the span of a week). I sense it, mention it, we talk about it, and then I give them space while I do my own thing. They come back in full force with their declarations of affection.

6. A week or so later, they break up with me, citing that "they're not ready for a relationship" or something similar.

WTF?

I agree with cheekyfaire that "exlusivity" doesn't mean too much the first three months, which is the getting to know you phase. When a guy changes his mind, it means the relationship just isn't working out for him. It's not always as personal as we think it is. You might be doing things to scare men off. I really can't say. If you have concerns that you're the problem, maybe see a therapist to work on either the effect repeated disappointments have had on your self-esteem and/or to gain insight into self-sabotaging behaviors.

Posted by Andalusia
Push for commitment, only to change their mind and break up or freak out and run away?

I do this all the time and I HATE it!!! I'm like the only Scorpio exception when it comes to commitment and it sucks! Every other Scorpio in the world wants commit to a woman. I DO NOT! It's a nice idea, but I just don't think it's for me. I'd date her, but that'd be about it.

why is dating more complicated as you get older? I tempted to tell younger girls to start locking down their men in college or when the girls just out of college. It gets ridiculous. I have to admit that it seems the older you get the less you have in common with the new people that you meet.

(in h.s. and college it doesn't matter if you have anything in common and no on has any baggage yet so it simply comes down to you like him and he likes you and you date.)

Posted by LittleStar
When a guy chases, it's a conquest. Once they've won it doesn't matter anymore. The high is over.

It's never worked out for me with a guy who has chased me.

I think this is so wrong. The only men who were serious about me, who went the distance, chased me. I never won a man by approaching him and those who didn't chase at all we just looking for the lowest hanging fruit. It sounds like you got played by some players. But thing is, more often than not, a player is fishing for "the one." At least a player will take you out to dinner. A lazy commitmentphobe will text you and invite you to drinks at the local watering hole. And he won't even pick up your drinks.

No, that makes sense, elle's bells. I actually had a conversation about that with the last guy I dated (Aqua Sun and Venus, Scorp Mars). After we'd been dating a bit, he was telling me about how long he'd been interested in me and how wonderful he'd always thought I was, and such and such. But then he proceeded to stress that after he got to know me, he was pleasantly surprised because I turned out to be so much better and more wonderful than he what he'd originally imagined.

Idk though. Maybe I was giving him the side eye or something and he felt obligated to tack on that last part.

It's called the "rubber band effect", which is what Dr. John Gray labeled it in several of his relationship books; the biggest seller, "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus."

Basically guys are wired to chase when their testosterone is high. Once they feel an emotional connection and get the dopamine release from the lady they are interested in, then they pull back to regroup and go analyze. When a woman is intimate with a man, oxytocin is released and it makes her want to bond more with the man. When a man gets intimate (doesn't always have to mean physical, can be emotional/mental connection), oxytocin is released, however, this release has a detrimental effect on his testosterone; it actually lowers his levels. So he feels the need to pull back and regain control.

The rubber band effect simply is this. If a woman chases a guy, there will be no need for him to do any work and utilizes how he's wired when it comes to being attracted to a woman. When the woman pulls back, he regains his control and in time, builds his desire to higher levels.

So basically, if a woman connects with a man the then doesn't get clingy but has her own life etc. and pulls back for some room, he can go do what he needs to do. IF he's into you, he will feel it and come back when he's T is higher.

There's a few good vids on youtube explaining this better. There really is a lot of science behind our polarity and how we're wired to communicate and interact with the opposite sex.

Posted by LittleStar

Posted by Este8

Posted by LittleStar
When a guy chases, it's a conquest. Once they've won it doesn't matter anymore. The high is over.

It's never worked out for me with a guy who has chased me.

I think this is so wrong. The only men who were serious about me, who went the distance, chased me. I never won a man by approaching him and those who didn't chase at all we just looking for the lowest hanging fruit. It sounds like you got played by some players. But thing is, more often than not, a player is fishing for "the one." At least a player will take you out to dinner. A lazy commitmentphobe will text you and invite you to drinks at the local watering hole. And he won't even pick up your drinks.

No. It isn't black and white. Every time I have expressed interest and then let the guy respond it works out. Every time I let a guy pursue me, it has become a relationship but it wasn't healthy.

click to expand

Then our experiences are different. I will say that men rushing into relationships is a red flag but that's something different than pursuing a woman you like.

Posted by Andalusia

This is a common pattern in my dating life. Pretty much all of my relationships have ended at around the 3 month mark. And seeing as how I am the only common denominator....I really don't understand the following pattern:

1. Guy and I know each other and interact, albeit peripherally (usually through working together, or having a bunch of mutual friends, etc.)...

3. Usually after the third or so date, guy confesses to having a huge crush on me and having observed me for a while.. Like as in months or years.
WTF?

Well if there is any truth to your intro, this is the pattern. Stop dating guys you know through mutual friends etc that think they already "know" you. The whole "I've admired you from afar" is a major set up for huge expectations and when you don't meet them (or exceed them) it's too much. Date men that actually have to slow down and get to know you for the first time without the context.

rat bastards Melly-Mel!

it's not just you... I'm also familiar with that 3 month mark... And yeah, this is phenomena seems to be strongest in the impulsive and dramatic guys (huh? did someone say fire placements 😉...)

I don't think there is an answer, but I am getting more philosophical in my old age. clearly it wasn't meant to be.

Mind you in an about turn I'm currently 'dating' a libra and OMG, the guy is like a paralyzed snail... no fire in that one... maybe that's the secret?? 😄

Posted by LilliLou
rat bastards Melly-Mel!

it's not just you... I'm also familiar with that 3 month mark... And yeah, this is phenomena seems to be strongest in the impulsive and dramatic guys (huh? did someone say fire placements 😉...)

I don't think there is an answer, but I am getting more philosophical in my old age. clearly it wasn't meant to be.

Mind you in an about turn I'm currently 'dating' a libra and OMG, the guy is like a paralyzed snail... no fire in that one... maybe that's the secret?? 😄

😆

Love your analogies.

I cringe when I hear fire placements being brought into this. We know pretty quick.

My affairs either last under one month or 3 years. Nothing in between so I also probably have an interesting pattern.

*grabs mel by her hand/pattern and hugs her*

Posted by PhoenixRising

Posted by Andalusia

This is a common pattern in my dating life. Pretty much all of my relationships have ended at around the 3 month mark. And seeing as how I am the only common denominator....I really don't understand the following pattern:

1. Guy and I know each other and interact, albeit peripherally (usually through working together, or having a bunch of mutual friends, etc.)...

3. Usually after the third or so date, guy confesses to having a huge crush on me and having observed me for a while.. Like as in months or years.
WTF?

Well if there is any truth to your intro, this is the pattern. Stop dating guys you know through mutual friends etc that think they already "know" you. The whole "I've admired you from afar" is a major set up for huge expectations and when you don't meet them (or exceed them) it's too much. Date men that actually have to slow down and get to know you for the first time without the context.

click to expand

Also, you're talking a lot about what they see, like, want and ask for. Do you see a potential future with these men after a few months of dating? If not, why are you agreeing to exclusivity? Both rhethorical questions M&Ms and only relevant if there is any truth to your intro.

Posted by tiziani

Which reminds me I have something to show you once I upload them.

Hmmm...

ks Monty! I could've also said he's a slow as a wet week... My mum is to blame for them!

Posted by PhoenixRising

Posted by tiziani

Which reminds me I have something to show you once I upload them.

Hmmm...

click to expand

Double hmmm... are they shoes?? 😄

Posted by Damnata
I cringe when I hear fire placements being brought into this. We know pretty quick.

My affairs either last under one month or 3 years. Nothing in between so I also probably have an interesting pattern.

*grabs mel by her hand/pattern and hugs her*

yep... fire signs... you heart-breaking extremist weasels! 😭

hehe... SHOES... Glorious SHOES...

Segue:

Posted by LilliLou
hehe... SHOES... Glorious SHOES...

Segue:

😆!!! Awww I miss my kitty.... 😢

DJ: "waves come on very strong, but fade away ..... a river flows steadily, but it flows forever."
Heraclitus: "No man ever steps in the same river twice"
Dr. Probz: I'm slowly drifting away (drifting away) Wave after wave, wave after wave

Happy rationalisation to yall! ✨

-- in love, fire sign dom

Posted by Andalusia

However once you both decide to be exclusive/be boyfriend&girlfriend, I assume it's because you've both sufficiently .......

The problem is obvious to me.

You make the assumption on what he is deciding.

If, as you say, this happens every time ... then that means you are the one who is making an unrealistic assumption and then acting according to this assumption.

My suggestion would be to stop trying to make a relationship happen .... so that it can be naturally.

Most people give out false impressions of themselves in order to get further in their relation. And this goes for all relations.

Maybe you should check that. If the guy is realizing after a period of time that you aren't what he thought you were and this happens all the time, then that means you were deceiving him in the beginning. It's irrelevant if what he finds out is that you're better than he thought ... it's still a deception.

Maybe the guy realizing the deception is what puts him off. Even if it's not intended in a negative way .. it's still not being real.

Interesting points. And definitely food for thought.

I have a pretty good sense of self. That's probably part of what attracts guys to me. But I am realizing that that same 'sense of self' doesn't necessarily transfer over to my intimate relationships with males. I realize that, but don't know why that is or how to go about fixing it.

So maybe the problem is a combination of them putting the 'pussy on the pedestal' and me doing a 'bait and switch'.. But I think if I can solve MY part of the equation, the other part will resolve itself.

Now, to figure out how.. :/

Posted by Andalusia

...... them putting the 'pussy on the pedestal'

What do you mean by that? ^^^^^^^^

So, you think you're all that? If you were, then this thread wouldn't exist.

If these guys are lead to believe you belong on a pedestal .... then I should think the real issue here is quite obvious.

Furthermore .... how can you have a good sense of self, and still be oblivious to leading a man to believe you should be on a pedestal?

Sounds to me like this has absolutely nothing to do with men, or any other person. People were led to believe that this issue is about men, people even commented on men ... when in reality, it's all you.

I was referring to elle's comment about "Pedestal Syndrome". And yes - the issue is me. I am trying to figure out how to fix it/myself.

oh ... of course she would say something like that

::: shakes head :::

Well, if you want to fix you/it ... then a good start would be to re-write this thread and make it more accurate because as it stands, you've made it sound like something the guy has done to you. The title and OP states ... why do guys do this.

The way to begin healing is to actively change yourself. For every person who comes in here to read the OP, to make a statement about (what men do), and if you respond to that statement about (what men do) ... then there is no self accountability in that. In fact, it continues to send the wrong message out.

If you want to change yourself, then I don't see a problem here in "trying to figure out" .. what is there to figure out?

I guess I'm unclear what the problem is here. If a person truly dislikes the way they direct their lives ... then they make adjustments.

Anyway .... it's hard for people to have self awareness enough to make adjustments to themselves. The majority of people will step in the same pile of shit their whole lives, while insisting it was someone elses foot.

Since when do men commit?

Haha I kid. I kid. 😄

From experience what I observe is, they are not necessarily pushing for commitment, they are pushing for possession (not necesarily in the control sense).

Then that gives them the ability to be free to vet you safely in their own time. But they usually pull back when they feel like its getting heavy.

What tends to happen when people choose exclusivity, that's when obligations and expectations happen. Even if nothing is said...its a naturally feeling that we create for ourselves. The feeling that we have to check in, the feeling that we have to worry about the other person. Yadda yadda.

Maybe he realized he couldn't handle it. I don't think it was personal. I just think he was just not ready for the responsibility he created in his own head.

There there mel. Apparently I come on too strong for some. I agree with you on the common denominator but I much prefer to think that they're just not the right person for me. I prefer words backed by action any day that or my tolerance for people who can't make up their minds or know what they want have gone down dramatically over the last few years.