Unrealistic Expectations

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PhoenixRising
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Do you think it's a realistic to expect that someone will be your "everything"? Is it fair to the other person? To yourself? I was dealing with ice and all the bulls---great things that come with winter and I was listening to a song, which stimulated this question:

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Posted by Rabbit
Posted by Andalusia
I hope to find someone that I can share everything with, and they with me.

I don't expect to be their everything, or for them to be mine though.



YOU'RE JUST LOOKING FOR A BOX OF WINE AND THE CHIMICHANGA PLATTER
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I HAVE THOSE ALREADY. I AM JUST LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO SHARE THEM WITH! 😭

...OR TO BRING ME ANOTHER SET 🙂 😈
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PhoenixRising
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Posted by Andalusia
I hope to find someone that I can share everything with, and they with me.

I don't expect to be their everything, or for them to be mine though.



Isn't "...sharing my everything with, and they with me" the same thing? What if your partner doesn't like to talk to you about certain things, but finds pleasure in doing so with his friends or siblings...then what? Would you be okay with that?

Perhaps you need to define "their everything". Are we talking about the last fry on his/her plate or thoughts, dreams and passion?
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Posted by PhoenixRising
Posted by Rabbit
I get stuck on trying to be the other person's everything.

I inevitably fail and my self esteem takes a hit.



Hmpm. Guilty. I believe it was one of the things that ruined a relationship I had a few years ago.

*add to list of things to work on*
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I'm curious.. What happens after you start thinking/realizing you can't be your partner's everything? ...other than the self esteem part.

Do your actions towards your partner change at all? Like, do you go from over zealous to auto pilot in your... attentions (for lack of a better word) towards them?
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WaterCup
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I do have a tendency of wanting someone I'm with to be my everything or I feel he is not the one. I have venus conj neptune, so I guess I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. Too bad though because experience has taught me that the only person you should rely on 100% is yourself because people do change. Expecting someone to be your all is a huge burden they didn't sign up for & will lead to disappointment when the expectations aren't met. So better to have standards & not expectations
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PhoenixRising
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Posted by Rabbit
Posted by PhoenixRising
Posted by Rabbit
I get stuck on trying to be the other person's everything.

I inevitably fail and my self esteem takes a hit.



Hmpm. Guilty. I believe it was one of the things that ruined a relationship I had a few years ago.

*add to list of things to work on*



I'm not sure where it comes from. I've never believed I was good enough for anyone.
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That's^^^ where it comes from.....I know in the relationship I referenced above, I was trying to prove something to the person, to myself....to anyone looking into the glass bowl. I realized as it was ending what I was doing and I just let it go. I have noticed the thoughts creeping in every so often with other (platonic) relationship though.
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Andalusia
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Perhaps you need to define "their everything". Are we talking about the last fry on his/her plate or thoughts, dreams, and passion?

Hmm. Good point. I guess I was answering (and not really articulating my response) based on the bolded song lyric:

You will never need to look further than me, cause I will be there to give you everything that you need...

I get the sentiment, but yes - that's an unrealistic expectation. You might give someone everything you are capable of giving, but it is unrealistic to say that will give them everything THEY need. Because the kernel of one's needs have been there since before birth, and are found within themself.

So, I would to find someone already on the path to discovering what they need, and that is willing to share that knowledge (and thus - themself) with me... Not someone that expects me to provide them with everything they need - someone who may or may not even know what it is they DO need.
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PhoenixRising
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Posted by Andalusia
Posted by PhoenixRising
Posted by Rabbit
I get stuck on trying to be the other person's everything.

I inevitably fail and my self esteem takes a hit.



Hmpm. Guilty. I believe it was one of the things that ruined a relationship I had a few years ago.

*add to list of things to work on*



I'm curious.. What happens after you start thinking/realizing you can't be your partner's everything? ...other than the self esteem part.

Do your actions towards your partner change at all? Like, do you go from over zealous to auto pilot in your... attentions (for lack of a better word) towards them?
click to expand




At the time, nothing happened. I mean I went into emotional and mental shutdown mode. Translation, I became a bit of a brat because I couldn't have it my way, so yeah, everything stopped for us and I slowly pulled away. I realize now that I was indirectly doing what I mentioned in the OP. Yes, I wanted to be his everything, but I was placing the burden of enhancing my self-esteem on his shoulders. That wasn't his job.
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PhoenixRising
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Posted by Damnata
Posted by PhoenixRising
Posted by Damnata
I only expect people to be true to themselves. If we get along from there, all is good. If not, then it's still good because we're not falling for skewed perceptions of "could have been"



And your Venus D.?



Venus in Cancer..damn challenging
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*minor detour* How so? If you're more accepting of others and the process of connecting/or not (which is how I read your post), why is it challenging for you?
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PhoenixRising
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Posted by Andalusia
...You might give someone everything you are capable of giving, but it is unrealistic to say that will give them everything THEY need. Because the kernel of one's needs have been there since before birth, and are found within themself.

So, I would to find someone already on the path to discovering what they need, and that is willing to share that knowledge (and thus - themself) with me... Not someone that expects me to provide them with everything they need - someone who may or may not even know what it is they DO need.



Nicely put M&Ms.
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Andalusia
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Expecting "someone to be your everything" or "for you to be theirs" kind of strikes me as more parent-child type relationship than lover-lover type.

Don't get me wrong; I've definitely had those types of relationships... Ones where I set myself up to be their "everything" (whether consciously or not). But often those do tend to take on a parent-child dynamic, and end in one of several ways:

- You do succeed for a little while, but ultimately they grow up... And possibly out grow you.

- You succeed for a longer while, but ultimately they do not grow up (or worse - they stop trying to)... And you out grow them, and probably grow to resent them.
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Posted by Rabbit
But what would cause that if there are no indications from the other person that you are not failing them in some way?



Well, perhaps your (general you) intentions and your own expectations creates this dilemma. If a person goes into a relationship and does something for the benefit of gaining a particular result (e.g I need to prove I am everything this person needs, loved, worthy...), then the person would also have a "vision" of what they think would prove that their actions are successful or not (e.g. verbal or physical affirmation from the person, others...)

Perfect example, someone I know will often say in reference to her SO, "naw, he doesn't need anything out there. I take care of home." For her, his desire to spend time with her vs his boys confirms she provides him with "all" of his needs. Now, the man may very well just be a person that loves being home--or sure, even loves to spend a lot of time with his girl, but there is this assumption in her statement that something she is doing provides him with all of his needs. I think the reverse would also be true. If he was hanging with his boys, then for her it must mean she's "lacking" in some way.
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Damnata
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Venus in Cancer poses me with the opposite problem: I don't want them to be my everything, I want them to be as flawed as possible, so I can somehow fix them, show them the way. It's ego tripping.

I used to take that to extreme a few years ago until I stopped and thought about the dynamic I was setting: It's true Venus in Cancer folks are nurturing, mothering etc...but by doing that they make you depend on them. And they take pride in this. I got to a point where I couldn't let someone's personality develop according to their own principles, in my mind there was only a right way to go about it for maximum efficiency. I was actually cheating people of being themselves in a way. Their ways of showing affection were never good enough compared to mine and I used to get pissed off over that.

I do my best to recognize these traits now and steer clear of them
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Posted by IrresistableScorp
Posted by Rabbit
Posted by IrresistableScorp
I have to agree with cheeky. But I also see PR, Rabbit and Tiz's points.

I already did the everything thing. It's hard work. Complementary seems better. We work as a unit because we provide complementary elements as well as some common elements. One unit made by two individuals.



This is pretty much the way my wife and I function at present time. There's always that little bit down inside me though...



Rejection/abandoment are hugely sensitive issues for many scorps. And it doesn't help that many people reduce it down to being insecure when it's not insecurity. It's a real life reaction to experiences in our past. The insecurity critique is one if the things that keep a lot of scorps talking about it. Insecurity is a weakness. I don't know. That's one answer. :/
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+1 with much of this, but isn't fear of....*rejection/abandonment* a weakness as well? I ask because although I agree that past experiences often shape a Scorps pov/approach, you're (general you)fearing an action from someone that has not abandoned/rejected you and acting as though they have (e.g overzealous demonstration of love and affection to prove you can be their everything), to prevent them from leaving you.
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PhoenixRising
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Posted by IrresistableScorp
Good points. It's a reenactment of the first betrayal. If I do everything for this person then maybe they won't leave/ betray me like so and so.

Is this weakness or coping mechanism?

On the flip side you have the exact opposite coping mechanism-- I won't give two flying fucks and then I can't be hurt.

A lot of it has to do with the nature of fixed emotion which I am sure people here would just view as post rationalization and I'm late for an appointment so I won't get into.



Way to leave us hangin'. I guess I was just playing off of the word "weakness".
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This reminds me of my scorpio ex. I think he had skewed views of what a relationship should be and always expected the most out of me, especially emotionally. If I didn't live up to his expectations, he would get really upset. One time he even flirted with another girl because I 'wasn't giving him enough attention', even though in my opinion, I was. But, 'enough' and 'all' isn't the same thing, I suppose. If I was not everything for him...if I did not give myself to him, he would not be happy. Though, I think he tried to do the same for me...give me everything...but that's not what I wanted. He practically lived for me. I think this is unhealthy, though. It has to stem from some insecurities. Being afraid of abandonment or being unloved, maybe? He had a lot of issues with his parents and probably felt like he was unloved by everyone so he wanted to keep that one person as close as he could.
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Andalusia
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I can relate to what you're saying, scenic ^^^, only my situation was a bit the other way.

With my ex, the emotional situation felt a bit... bi polar(?) at times. He would start to try to be everything to me, and try to give his everything to me. But, when things would happen to me that *he* couldn't assume/take on/or "fix" himself, (i.e. a medical scare, or any type of job/family/existential crisis I had), he would retreat into his head.. And there would be a type of distance between us.

It almost seemed to me that the moments of vulnerability and his thoughts of "I can see myself with this person. I want to give my all to her." Would quickly be followed with "Oh. She's going thru x,y,and z and I can't do anything about it.. There are forces and circumstances outside my control that could separate us at any time. Maybe I should retreat a bit and not be so connected to her.. Better to be safe and insulated than vulnerable and sorry."
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PhoenixRising
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Posted by Andalusia
I can relate to what you're saying, scenic ^^^, only my situation was a bit the other way.

With my ex, the emotional situation felt a bit... bi polar(?) at times. He would start to try to be everything to me, and try to give his everything to me. But, when things would happen to me that *he* couldn't assume/take on/or "fix" himself, (i.e. a medical scare, or any type of job/family/existential crisis I had), he would retreat into his head.. And there would be a type of distance between us.

It almost seemed to me that the moments of vulnerability and his thoughts of "I can see myself with this person. I want to give my all to her." Would quickly be followed with "Oh. She's going thru x,y,and z and I can't do anything about it.. There are forces and circumstances outside my control that could separate us at any time. Maybe I should retreat a bit and not be so connected to her.. Better to be safe and insulated than vulnerable and sorry."
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Yes. I stayed for 6 years because I fool thought that's how relationships worked. I thought it was great to have someone that wanted you to be the source of their happiness. Until their definition of being the source of happiness included draining me for everything if possible because it added to their happiness. It didn't help that he didn't believe in reciprocating.

He went on and found someone who was willing to give him her last and whatever else she could muster up and accept the fact that he didn't plan to reciprocate.

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Andalusia
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Posted by IrresistableScorp
Posted by Andalusia
The first time, yes I broke it off.
The second time, he did.
The third time, it was somewhat mutual..

Yeah.. It was one of those... A bit Tempestuous, back and forth at times..



Ah yes. This doesn't apply to you anymore because he's an ex, but breaking up causes much problem if you are only doing based on an assumption or annoyance with the person's ways. The best reaction would be to ignore it and stay. Scorp will eventually come around again. Of course if you feel abused or whatever get out. But while in the middle of a relationship my best advice is to just stick around for awhile.

Another tactic is confrontation in a non aggressive manner. If you feel something is bullshit, state your case. The whole drama of breaking up to get a point across is highly counter productive to most scorps. It just means you are not in it for the long haul. Two cents.
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We did have talks and it didn't change. If it had just been the distancing, I could have handled it. But we would make plans and he wouldn't follow through; either cancel at the last minute or just not show up. Things like that, among other things.. That was/is just him being irresponsible though (in my opinion) - had nothing to do with astrology or his sign.