Cap co-worker

What is the best way to tell a Capricorn to stay the fuck out of your business without actually saying that?

I have had dreams of physically assaulting this woman...I don't want them to become a reality.

Tact isn't my strong point...so from other Caps POV how should I tell her to stop trying to manage me in a way that will actually be successful and not cause more drama?

Without going into too much detail and back stories. ..she does have a well known history of passive aggressive behavior.

So, I don't want to cause a bigger problem by confronting her as she is very sensitive to criticism (real or perceived) and will likely not let it go for months...

For over a year now I've just brushed her off...almost like a teen does their parents (which is how she speaks to me, like I'm a child) I just say "mhm...ok, good to know thanks...will do" *disregard*

It's just really starting to grate on my nerves and I don't want to let it get to my point where I blow up and act like a complete psycho ...in the work place, no less.

I was originally hired as a design assistant...she's a designer. After a few months I was transitioned into the same position as her...

She's been there for 3 years...and has probably close to 20 years experience on me...I'm the youngest there and I was hired right after I graduated so it's my first real work experience in this field.

She has no authority over me and never has...
& I would try to look at it as her trying to be helpful and guide me...but she has acted threatened by me since I started getting promoted and for months every time she talked to me had to make it a point to make sure I knew she had rank over me.

Posted by stillwat3r
that didn't answer how your jobs are related...

I'm on my phone...takes me an eternity to type a response ...especially my unnecessary paragraphs...lol

Posted by tiziani
You can only match passive aggression with passive aggression. Or avoidance. Anything else and it's a losing prospect.

I have been going with the avoidance tactic for a year...several dreams later involving me punching her repeatedly...and I'm getting a little nervous that I'm going to snap

You can't say she has a history of passive aggressive behavior if you are asking how to tell her without telling her, then admitting you've been dealing with this by brushing her off for a whole year. Now it's built to a point that you can no longer handle, and that has not so much to do with her.

There's no way of telling her without telling her. If you want her to leave you alone and stay out of your business tell her just that and don't sugar coat it.

Posted by stillwat3r
ohhh ok. how has she pointed out that she has rank over you? what exact actions or thoughts make you think she is threatened by you?

She's very into titles...she can't function without knowing who ranks where in her imaginary heiarchy.

When I was in the assistant position (not her assistant, btw, that was made clear to me by my boss from day one) she was very condescending, treated me like the help...lol.

When I was being promoted she made some off comments to me in regards to being an assistant and then proceeded to refer to me as the assistant for MONTHS. I mean seriously as recently as a month ago I've heard her say it and I've been doing the same exact job as her since like this time last year...

She has also talked shit behind my back to other co workers about how our boss doesn't think I'm ready for that position and I don't have the experience...which even if my boss felt that way, which she clearly doesnt or she wouldnt have promoted me, the Cap would literally be the last person she'd confide in.

To me, her insecurities were talking and although in reality I am not a threat to her...she must obviously think so...she spends a lot of time trying to convince me and other people I am less than her.

I am totally fine with this, btw! She does have more experience than me. What's the big fucking deal? I'm not taking her job...

You just have to be honest with her. Imo, we are not the type of people that won't listen to honesty, especially if you tell her how her treatment bothers you.

I don't think being avoidant is the same as being passive aggressive.

I just want to do my job without interacting with her...which is not unreasonable as my job does not require me to interact with her.

And I have seen first hand how telling her to fuck off only makes her get defensive and vindictive (from other interactions with coworkers)

So, I am hoping someone has some magical solution...like play her with her own game type of thing.

I just don't know Caps like that. If this were a Libra or a Leo I wouldn't need advice

Posted by stillwat3r
saying something like..."i know I'm new at this and really admire your experience. THe best way I learn though is by making mistakes. i appreciate your help but I think I got a good handle on things. If i need help I'll definitely let you know. Thanks again! "

if she continues or is rude about it. You can be more direct and say, "Look, I don;t really need to be managed. I think I'm good at what I do. Unless you disagree and if you disagree then may be you should speak with my manager about it. I really need to get back to work."

That does sound very mature

I would have to practice saying it in the mirror without and attitude or a head bob lol

Good advice, thanks 🙂

Definitely going to try the "thanks, but I have it under control" tactic and see how that goes.

I say grab her by the ears and close talk the Shit out of her.

She will back off after that.

Guaranteed. 😉

Oh I am totally open to her advice...especially design related and I feel like I can learn from her.

It's just the most recent situation that has me all pissed off was she overheard me discussing an issue with our office manager I was having with a vendor... which we had completely under control and was being resolved...and she butted in and was like "Bri you should be calling the rep and blah blah blah..." and at first I was just like yeah its ok we're handling it...but she would not drop it! And it has absolutely nothing to do with her and I didn't need her help...she was eaves dropping


that's the kind of shit she does that makes me want to yell butt out!!

Posted by CapTenn
I say grab her by the ears and close talk the Shit out of her.

She will back off after that.

Guaranteed. 😉

Lol

Play on her ego. She's obviously feeling insecure because you're good at your job. Maybe she thinks you're better at it than she is. So, just approach her and tell you you'd like for her to be your mentor. Complement what she does well and ask her to share her expertise with you.

Oh, I know you want to be away from her and distance, however, if she feels threatened by you, perhaps she would see that you are not a threat afterall.

I know this is the opposite of what you want, but, if she feels valued, maybe she'll back off and decide on her own to butt out because being a mentor is too time consuming for her.

That's how to deal with a passive aggressive anyway.

And, I know it could get worse. It's a risk. Though I think it's her insecurities that is causing her to act this way. Just make her feel secure and valued is all I'm saying.

And I completely agree with Stillwater. She put it into better words than I did.

You ladies are waayyyy more diplomatic than I would be.

I've worked, before, with a psycho chick like the one described. I don't do passive aggressive -- at all.

I dog cussed the hell out of her, called her bluff, and drove her to tears. She had driven me so crazy that I honestly didn't care if I lost my job or not. Fortunately, I didn't.

She was my best buddy after that.


(I'm not saying you should take my advice --- it just happened to work for me.)

It's all about respect, captenn. You earned her respect.

Posted by brianafay
What is the best way to tell a Capricorn to stay the fuck out of your business without actually saying that?

I have had dreams of physically assaulting this woman...I don't want them to become a reality.

Tact isn't my strong point...so from other Caps POV how should I tell her to stop trying to manage me in a way that will actually be successful and not cause more drama?

You just tell her straight up, I don't get what's the big deal.

Posted by e11e
would he have earned her respect if she was a capricorn?

I don't know. *shrugs*

That seems rather harsh.

Yes, it would be something I'd *expect* from a cap (his reaction)....but not something I think a cap would be happy to be the recipient of.

No, I wouldn't be happy with that reaction, but sometimes it's the slap in the face you need. Being called out on your crap buts things in perspective and actually helps you see the negative you're doing. I don't like it, but am thankful for it in the long run. Sometimes I can't see how I'm coming across until someone points it out and I completely respect someone who calls me out on my crap. Puts that relationship in a higher standing, if you know what I mean.

Her problem is she didn't speak up for herself. All she had to say was you're treating me as if I'm stupid and i don't like it. He would probably regroup and approach differently. We can't change our reactions/actions unless we know we're affecting someone negatively.

Yes, my cap mercury is harsh sometimes. It's blunt and to the point, but I don't get run over either. And yes, I could be nicer in my approach. I'm working on that. 🙂

I'm a Cap Merc. Let's cut through the shit here.

Posted by cheekyfaerie
Going off Bri's description, I think the mentor angle's just gonna make her appear weak to the Cap and trying to play her at her own game's only gonna encourage more games (and perhaps more aggressively).

Agree with Inana and Still. You're gonna need to be firm and honest. We have a tendency to walk over people that let us and your passivity has been doing just that. Show her you got this.

Agree ^^^^

She will appear weak, unless she calls a spade a spade.

Kissing the woman's ass will only exacerbate the problem..... IMO.

Posted by e11e
if you are kissing the woman's ass as some kind of strategy....it will always exacerbate problems and it's just plain fake.

if you are being genuinely pleasant and receptive of the information she is willing to share with you....it's a win win situation for everyone.

The OP is having fantasies of bashing the woman's face in.

I think it's gone past the point of genuine pleasantries.

Posted by cheekyfaerie
I'm not saying lunch is a bad idea tho. Somewhere neutral has it's advantages. Like not being caught close talking her in the break room. 😛

😉 LOL

I didn't mean to kiss her ass when asking for a mentor. I meant it in a way to build a relationship and squelch the woman's insecurities. I do agree with being honest. Maybe throw in some honesty when approaching it like 'I'd like to learn from you, ..... etc.....but I don't want to be micro managed either.'.

I'm one that speaks up. I have a Taurus boss who tends to walk all over the pleasant, nice Leo and other Taurus who is very quiet. I'm vocal and inadvertently treat her as an equal instead of a boss. My bad there, I suppose. But, she respects me and doesn't dump work on me either. I do whatever she wants, but she doesn't dump it on me. Hope I don't make her feel disrespected because, though I have had my complaints, she's actually a pretty good boss.

Its strange because in any other setting I would tell her to fuck off...but for some reason in the workplace I am very passive. Its like I know my limitations and I know how hard it will be for me to remain professional and not go full on ghetto fab in a confrontation.

I am hesitant to confront her only because I have seen it backfire.... another coworker (Pisces actually) stood up to her once and simply said "please just let me manage my own jobs, I don't need anyone getting in the middle of it and answering for me because you may not know everything that's involved..."

I thought she sounded very mature and polite... yet for literally months the Cap got passive aggressive and was purposely trying to make her job harder...and took every opportunity to make digs and little sarcastic comments about her "managing her job"

I just really cannot have that reaction from her because I will go APE.
Again, I know myself well...I know my limitations.

I will have to pick my moment and choose my words very wisely.

Ive seen my Cap grandma tell someone off so nicely I dont think they even realized she had just told them where to go. I am hoping to achieve that...but with Sag in Merc it's going to be tough

I guess it's that attitude of 'oh, I'm not micromanaging you, I'll SHOW you micromanaging and then you'll see'.

Yeah, I know a lot of caps like that.

Posted by e11e
Whatever way she decides to proceed, she needs to do it with caution and respect.

Caps have a way of marking people and they always have the ear of management usually due to being very dedicated and trustworthy employees.

Yes @ her marking people...

I've been witness to her campaigns against people who have crossed her...she will bad mouth them to everyone who will listen & I've never seen someone hang onto shit like she does (not even my Scorp moon bf whose favorite past time seems to be beating dead horses to a bloody pulp)

The thing is...she's not a monster...she does seem to feel bad when she realizes she's been a raging bitch.

She has come to me numerous times after a rant and said things like "I hope you don't think I'm picking on you..." or "I'm not trying to be bossy...I'm just telling you this because..."

I need to train myself not to.let her get under my skin. I have way too strong of a reaction to her. Some days I'm like you know...she's alright...other days I'm like holy shit I'm going to jail today. ..

& Elle I ♥ you.

You get me.

Thanks to everyone for the input as well 🙂

LoL@Im going to jail today.

This woman sounds like a drama queen. No life, extremely boring and want other people to entertain her because a pole is shoved so far up her ass it pains her to even blink. You're young and she thinks she can push you around.

You have more options than she does, brianafay. PLenty more.

Tell her what you are thinking, when you are thinking it.

She doesn't bite her tongue, so neither should you.

She's playing you because she knows you are trying to be professional. But guess what? She isn't so she doesn't deserve your respect.

Yes, you are respecting yourself, but this woman needs to be told. And you will be Surprised how many people (you are not the only one she harasses) will applaud you and band around you because they Want a Leader and that leader is YOU.

Don't make any more excuses for her. So she is nice sometimes. That's like someone always treating you like shyt and then once in a blue moon they treat you nice and you stick around through the future abuse hoping for that next little morsel of "kindness". Domestic abuse is like this.

So what you may be able to learn things from her. Does this mean you have to walk on tenderhooks around her? You are not an intern. You. Are. Her. Peer. If you make a mistake and she laughs at you, So what? EVERYONE makes mistakes! It's no big deal. You. Will. Learn. If you want to learn from her, offer to pay her to teach you, then you are the boss. Otherwise, she can stfu.

"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." ~ Michael Jordan

THE STRUGGLE IS REAL TODAY GIRL!

Hang in there Briana! Don't choke her in front of everyone. Make sure there are no witnesses. 😉

Posted by brianafay
THE STRUGGLE IS REAL TODAY GIRL!

Close talk time.

Smash your nose into the side of her face and start seething.

I'm telling you --- problem solved.

Posted by CapTenn

Posted by brianafay
THE STRUGGLE IS REAL TODAY GIRL!

Close talk time.

Smash your nose into the side of her face and start seething.

I'm telling you --- problem solved.

click to expand

You're such a bear.

(and I say that with love).

Posted by CapTenn

Posted by brianafay
THE STRUGGLE IS REAL TODAY GIRL!

Close talk time.

Smash your nose into the side of her face and start seething.

I'm telling you --- problem solved.

click to expand

Lmao I get the best visual when you say that

Posted by truecap

Posted by CapTenn

Posted by brianafay
THE STRUGGLE IS REAL TODAY GIRL!

Close talk time.

Smash your nose into the side of her face and start seething.

I'm telling you --- problem solved.

You're such a bear.

(and I say that with love).

click to expand

Back at ya, tc!

Posted by brianafay

Posted by CapTenn

Posted by brianafay
THE STRUGGLE IS REAL TODAY GIRL!

Close talk time.

Smash your nose into the side of her face and start seething.

I'm telling you --- problem solved.

Lmao I get the best visual when you say that

click to expand

Straight bully move.

She'd likely wet herself, honestly.

I know it's unrealistic, but I love imagining you pulling it off.

🙂

This is the image I got.

Briana and CapTenn taking care of the cap lady: