Codependent mother

Have you had any experience with them?

How do you deal with a co-dependent parent and what's the best way to deal whit them?

Do they make you feel guilty?

Thank you :-)

I actually moved to another country 😄 and it was the best decision I've ever made. But now she lives with me as I'm a single mother working full time and she's helping me looking after my son.

I look at her strange behaviours and manipulations and can't take it, she makes so angry. After not living with her for 15 years, I can see clearly how crazy she really is. But in her head she is the most caring and the best mother and grandmother and I'm the most horrible and ungrateful daughter.

Posted by MaxMaks

Have you had any experience with them?

How do you deal with a co-dependent parent and what's the best way to deal whit them?

Do they make you feel guilty?

if you're young runway and far asap! It's a fucking nightmare, the saddest part of it is my mom admits to it and says shes sorry. I wish I listened to my younger self. Now I have no choice but to because shes old and I'm the only one left to take care of her.

Posted by Librasetting777

Posted by MaxMaks

Have you had any experience with them?

How do you deal with a co-dependent parent and what's the best way to deal whit them?

Do they make you feel guilty?

if you're young runway and far asap! It's a fucking nightmare, the saddest part of it is my mom admits to it and says shes sorry. I wish I listened to my younger self. Now I have no choice but to because shes old and I'm the only one left to take care of her.

click to expand

oh yeah I forgot she also ruined my relationship by calling every day that shit drove my ex crazy that she broke up with me.

I had one, she never got over my sister and I leaving home and she never forgave me for moving to a different country. She wanted us to live around the corner to her and dad.....so suffocating

The great thing that came out of it was, it taught me not to make the same mistakes as a mother...

So, in the end it's all learning, it's all good 👍

Posted by Ladyleo18

Tell her you're the child, she's the parent and to start acting like it. Then go party until she's used to your absence. I don't know if that's the right way to handle it but that's what I did. Good luck!

Yes, this.....it's your life, not hers

Tell her from me, love is letting go ❤️

I actually moved to another country Big Grin and it was the best decision I've ever made. But now she lives with me as I'm a single mother working full time and she's helping me looking after my son.

I look at her strange behaviours and manipulations and can't take it, she makes so angry. After not living with her for 15 years, I can see clearly how crazy she really is. But in her head she is the most caring and the best mother and grandmother and I'm the most horrible and ungrateful daughter.

I've spent a lot of time reading about it and the usual advice is - set up boundaries. I'm trying to do it but it's so hard.

She's having non of it.

I have to control my temper better, but it's very hard.

My mother in law is this way

My husband is the only one of her kids to get out of her grips ...his brother, who is 30, lives at home still and his paychecks get deposited into her bank account and she distributes the money to him after his bills are paid. It’s the most absurd thing I’ve ever seen.

His older sister is married now and lives in her own house, but still financially supports her mom a lot and is guilted terribly for everything.

When I was up there for her wedding my mother in law was sulking and throwing tantrums because she was the mother of the bride and her daughter (the bride!!) was not making her feel very special.

I was like holy shit keep this woman away from me 😂

I don’t have any advice besides yeah, set boundaries, and just like you train a toddler...don’t give in to her tantrums. Just be consistent. You need her to be your mother, and it shouldn’t be conditional based on if she’s getting what she wants from you or not

Posted by brianafay

My mother in law is this way

My husband is the only one of her kids to get out of her grips ...his brother, who is 30, lives at home still and his paychecks get deposited into her bank account and she distributes the money to him after his bills are paid. It’s the most absurd thing I’ve ever seen.

His older sister is married now and lives in her own house, but still financially supports her mom a lot and is guilted terribly for everything.

When I was up there for her wedding my mother in law was sulking and throwing tantrums because she was the mother of the bride and her daughter (the bride!!) was not making her feel very special.

I was like holy shit keep this woman away from me 😂

I don’t have any advice besides yeah, set boundaries, and just like you train a toddler...don’t give in to her tantrums. Just be consistent. You need her to be your mother, and it shouldn’t be conditional based on if she’s getting what she wants from you or not

Yes, I'm desperately trying to set the boundaries but it makes me feel so guilty.

I'm so ungrateful.

She has some strange behaviours and if I confront her or question her, there is no conversation, she gets mad and jumps down my throat, then calls me an idiot and then makes a victim of herself and I'm horrible and disrespectful.

She is looking after my son and should just be grateful and do what she says.

Ahhh yes. My ex mother in law had this issue. And much like @Arielle83, she contributed to the demise of my marriage. She wasn't the catalyst, but was a factor.

We use to love right next door to us, and would just come in and start looking through our stuff. Would feel cold and change our thermostat to warm. She could turn her tears on and off at the drop of a hat.

She would always wait til I was alone, and come over and waged mental warfare on me when alone. Usually critiquing me as a mom.

When my son was born, he had a lot of health complications and was air lifted out to a bigger hospital. I had a cesarean, so I was unable to follow him. I gave strict instructions that until I was able to come, I wanted only my husband to hold him. No one else. I had seen my son for maybe 3 seconds as he was wheeled to the helicopter. When I was able to finally get to the hospital he was life flighted out to, I hadn't seen him in 5 days, my mom, hadn't seen him either. The NICU only allows 2 visitors at a time. So my mother and I obviously rush to see him. I walked in to see a Polaroid picture on my son's incubator, with her holding him with I LOVE YOU scrawled across it, plastered right there. None of his dad, just her. Then she has the nerve to come in, knowing only 2 at a time, and causing a scene with the nurses becoming agitated there are 3 people. My mom just politely leaves. Because "she HAD to be in there with me".

That's just one of many stories. Her and my mom got into a huge fight a few years after that that resulted in my very religious mother calling me to "Get this crazy bitch away from her before she does something she regrets."

You do have to set boundaries. My ex didn't put those in until after we divorced. And he still struggles with her doing whatever the hell she wants. Even if he tells her no, she still does it. She now lives with him and has for 4 years. She followed him to Kansas city too.

Posted by nikkistar

Ahhh yes. My ex mother in law had this issue. And much like @Arielle83, she contributed to the demise of my marriage. She wasn't the catalyst, but was a factor.

We use to love right next door to us, and would just come in and start looking through our stuff. Would feel cold and change our thermostat to warm. She could turn her tears on and off at the drop of a hat.

She would always wait til I was alone, and come over and waged mental warfare on me when alone. Usually critiquing me as a mom.

When my son was born, he had a lot of health complications and was air lifted out to a bigger hospital. I had a cesarean, so I was unable to follow him. I gave strict instructions that until I was able to come, I wanted only my husband to hold him. No one else. I had seen my son for maybe 3 seconds as he was wheeled to the helicopter. When I was able to finally get to the hospital he was life flighted out to, I hadn't seen him in 5 days, my mom, hadn't seen him either. The NICU only allows 2 visitors at a time. So my mother and I obviously rush to see him. I walked in to see a Polaroid picture on my son's incubator, with her holding him with I LOVE YOU scrawled across it, plastered right there. None of his dad, just her. Then she has the nerve to come in, knowing only 2 at a time, and causing a scene with the nurses becoming agitated there are 3 people. My mom just politely leaves. Because "she HAD to be in their with me".

That's just one of many stories. Her and my mom got into a huge fight a few years after that that resulted in my very religious mother calling me to "Get this crazy bitch away from her before she does something she regrets."

You do have to set boundaries. My ex didn't put those in until after we divorced. And he still struggles with her doing whatever the hell she wants. Even if he tells her no, she still does it. She now lives with him and has for 4 years. She followed him to Kansas city too.

Wow, this is scary.

Yes, they never listen and they always do what they want, behind your back if they have to.

My mother is constantly hiding something.

She's now living with me and helping me with my son. She complains about a lot - I ruined her retirement. I'm worried I won't be able to look after my son on my own when she goes back but maybe it will be difficult to get rid of her

Thank you.

I don’t think my mother is a narcissist. I spent a lot of time reasearching. I thought at first she was, then I thought she was borderline but now I’m sure she’s codependent, enmeshed.

She even wears clothes like me.

I spent 15 years away from her and now I’m back with her and all the bad memories are back.

She says I’m not treating her well, I’m not sure she’s right but I feel guilty.

She helps me with my son so I should be grateful but her help feels overbearing and controlling. I can’t question her, it always ends up in a massive argument.

Only because some is helping, does not mean they can abuse you. Or maybe I’m wrong, maybe she’s right, I’m disrespectful, horrible and treat her badly.

Posted by MaxMaks

Thank you.

I don’t think my mother is a narcissist. I spent a lot of time reasearching. I thought at first she was, then I thought she was borderline but now I’m sure she’s codependent, enmeshed.

She even wears clothes like me.

I spent 15 years away from her and now I’m back with her and all the bad memories are back.

She says I’m not treating her well, I’m not sure she’s right but I feel guilty.

She helps me with my son so I should be grateful but her help feels overbearing and controlling. I can’t question her, it always ends up in a massive argument.

Only because some is helping, does not mean they can abuse you. Or maybe I’m wrong, maybe she’s right, I’m disrespectful, horrible and treat her badly.

Most co-dependent people, have a way of manipulation of emotions so that the receiver actually feels sorry for them. Feels guilt for not doing things the way the person doing it, wants.

You have to somehow get past that feeling of guilt, because they will use it at every turn they can. When my mom and my ex-mom in law got into the blow out fight, it was over her wanting to talk badly about me. My mom told her 3 or 4 times to stop, because I was her daughter. When she wouldn't stop, that is when the screaming match started. I could hear her in the background, screaming at my mother. By the time we got back home, which was at most 5 minutes, she was over at her house next door, with the water works on. My husband at the time, went over to ask her what happened, and came back livid at my mom. She had told him, that my mom called him, his family, and our son "white trash". My mom said she called her a crazy bitch, and a list of other colorful words, but denied ever saying anything about race. My mom doesn't lie. It took months for my then husband to finally realize that his mom lied about the whole fight. She used it as leverage that whole time, to get what she wanted, while completely negating me as his wife.

If you don't put the boundaries around her, and stop allowing her to manipulate your emotions, you will never get out of the cycle. And it will impede any romantic relationship you have in the future, if you don't. They will sabotage any other relationship you have, purely because they don't want to be relegated as second to whomever they have attached to.

Posted by MaxMaks

Posted by brianafay

My mother in law is this way

My husband is the only one of her kids to get out of her grips ...his brother, who is 30, lives at home still and his paychecks get deposited into her bank account and she distributes the money to him after his bills are paid. It’s the most absurd thing I’ve ever seen.

His older sister is married now and lives in her own house, but still financially supports her mom a lot and is guilted terribly for everything.

When I was up there for her wedding my mother in law was sulking and throwing tantrums because she was the mother of the bride and her daughter (the bride!!) was not making her feel very special.

I was like holy shit keep this woman away from me 😂

I don’t have any advice besides yeah, set boundaries, and just like you train a toddler...don’t give in to her tantrums. Just be consistent. You need her to be your mother, and it shouldn’t be conditional based on if she’s getting what she wants from you or not

Yes, I'm desperately trying to set the boundaries but it makes me feel so guilty.

I'm so ungrateful.

She has some strange behaviours and if I confront her or question her, there is no conversation, she gets mad and jumps down my throat, then calls me an idiot and then makes a victim of herself and I'm horrible and disrespectful.

She is looking after my son and should just be grateful and do what she says.

click to expand

Sounds familiar

My mother in law will immediately lash out and start crying and says terrible things to her kids when she doesn’t get her way.

She also tries to guilt them in the wackest way seriously... like “all those years I took you to basketball practice...”

It’s crazy

Like you already said ...sometimes it takes being removed from it for a while to realize how crazy it actually is.

You are losing perspective I think and getting sucked back into the toxicity. Of course you appreciate her looking after your daughter, but she’s her grandma! You shouldn’t be indebted to her because of that. You can find another baby sitter if that’s the case

Your son** sorry, I thought I read daughter in an earlier post

Yes, I have to set the boundaries.

But it's difficult and I'm struggling to find the balance.

I scream back at her every time she screams at me - I'd like to control my anger

Or I stop talking to her, I'm not giving her silent treatment I just can't see the pint, she doesn't listen, or she hears things I didn't say or makes the conversation about herself - I would like to be able to interact with her somehow, but I'm scared to let her close to me.

She complains about her health a lot, she does it so often that I stopped reacting (I'm so insensitive). I know that she has some health problems, she is not young anymore and I'm worried that something serious may actually happen to her and I'll miss it. She is dependant on me, we live in a foreign country and doesn't speak the language.

What pisses me off the most is that she totally doesn't see what she did to our family - basically destroyed it, she lives in total denial, never apologise for anything and never does anything wrong.

Thank you brianafay :-)

I think you're right. I'm loosing perspective.

I spent 6 years in counselling. I stopped when my son was born. I remember talking about my mother's voice in my head. Did she really say all the horrible things I just heard or was it her voice in my head.

As I said all the bad memories of her abuse are back with her, most of the time that's all I think about and maybe her voice in my head is back as well. I'm back to my teenage years, but I'm not a teenager anymore, I'm a strong and successful grown up woman and a mother and I will not let her leach on me anymore. Her happiness does not depend on me, I don't have to keep her entertained. My mental health is important, if not for myself then for my son.

I'm sorry, I'm overanalysing now.

Thank you everybody for your support - BOUNDARIES! :-)

Inmercury, thank you.

Minimal attention - this is what I'm struggling with.

I'm scared that if she sees any positive reaction form me, she will come from more. We have this saying in my native language - give someone a finger, they will take the whole arm.

Also, at the moment I feel like I want to punish her, let her feel the abuse we had to suffer - how can I pet her??

Yes, you're right.

I don't know what she says to my son when I'm not around. What happened when she was babysitting your daughter?

Maybe I just want to have a family for myself and my son. The story is more complicated but I don't have anyone else.

If I cut ties completely, it will only be my son and me. He won't have siblings, I'd like him to have some kind of family, even the smallest.

I think I still hope that finally she will become normal, but we both know it's impossible.

My son is starting school now, they have morning and afternoon clubs. I will have to seriously think about it.

Honestly, don't let her to any "favors" for you. All she will do is use that as leverage for herself anyways. She will constantly use it, and guilt you into believing you "owe" her. She will use it to tell others of how you "use" her, and are ungrateful about it. She will martyr herself in some form or fashion.

And when you place boundaries, and tell her something, be very definitive about what you say. Repeat it again, for her to listen. Because if she is anything like my ex mom in law, which I bet she is, she will/has misconstrued what you say, to benefit herself. If you say the word "Maybe", she takes that as a yes.

She may be your mother, but you are a mother as well. It is your role to protect that child, and if you even THINK there's a possibility that she would bad mouth you to your child or anything negative, you really need to think of cutting off the relationship.

Posted by MaxMaks

Yes, you're right.

I don't know what she says to my son when I'm not around. What happened when she was babysitting your daughter?

Maybe I just want to have a family for myself and my son. The story is more complicated but I don't have anyone else.

If I cut ties completely, it will only be my son and me. He won't have siblings, I'd like him to have some kind of family, even the smallest.

I think I still hope that finally she will become normal, but we both know it's impossible.

My son is starting school now, they have morning and afternoon clubs. I will have to seriously think about it.

It was best for me to get away and keep my son away from her - because that isn't good either; she is going to be the same to him as she is to you and you don't want/need that - so what if you don't have friends, make some. Get her out, and then get out and about with your son and you will make friends with other mothers.

Thank you nikkistar,

What you said is scary, but you're right.

She constantly lies, even about very small meaningless things, constantly hides something.

I don't have any contact with my family (I don't have brothers or sisters but I have cousins), I don't know what she tells them about me. Sometimes I think they forgot about me and sometimes that they ask about me, but she tells them not to contact me or something.

I'm not sure she says bad things about me to my son, but I'm suspecting she does to others. She doesn't do it in a direct way of course, it's all hidden. I tell her - don't buy him sweets, she buys him sweets and hides it, the problem is that he tells me.

But don't we have to acknowledge that her mother (my grandmother) was probably a total bitch and made my mother like this. She must have been a total psycho. I never met her, she died when I was little and honestly - lucky me. But it's not like they abuse you on purpose. But at the same time, it's so difficult to believe that they totally don't realise what they do.

I even said to my mother - you can't scream at us for 25 years and then behave like nothing happen and be surprised and disappointed that no one wants anything to do with you.

Posted by MaxMaks

Thank you nikkistar,

What you said is scary, but you're right.

She constantly lies, even about very small meaningless things, constantly hides something.

I don't have any contact with my family (I don't have brothers or sisters but I have cousins), I don't know what she tells them about me. Sometimes I think they forgot about me and sometimes that they ask about me, but she tells them not to contact me or something.

I'm not sure she says bad things about me to my son, but I'm suspecting she does to others. She doesn't do it in a direct way of course, it's all hidden. I tell her - don't buy him sweets, she buys him sweets and hides it, the problem is that he tells me.

But don't we have to acknowledge that her mother (my grandmother) was probably a total bitch and made my mother like this. She must have been a total psycho. I never met her, she died when I was little and honestly - lucky me. But it's not like they abuse you on purpose. But at the same time, it's so difficult to believe that they totally don't realise what they do.

I even said to my mother - you can't scream at us for 25 years and then behave like nothing happen and be surprised and disappointed that no one wants anything to do with you.

You are still finding ways to absolve her, and give her an excuse as to why she is this way. There is none. She is an adult, and is fully aware of what she is doing. And I almost guarantee, she is gossiping about you to others. I bet she gossips about other people to you, as well. They live off of being negative, all the time. I bet she hasn't said a positive thing, ever. Clothing sucks, cars suck, food sucks. Everything is "I have had better", or is "bad quality".

And of course she isn't going to acknowledge the fucked up things they did in the past. My ex mom in law was an alcoholic, that did a lot of messed up stuff, that she doesn't acknowledge. Because that would be something negative about her, and "she's a good person".

Above all else, you need to ensure the well being of yourself and your child. If she won't stop being a negative influence, then you need to cut her off until she changes.

I'm part of a parenting group online. Some of the mothers are unreal. Sons and daughters leaving home to go to college trying to become adults and the mums bleating on how about how the kids don't text or phone every day and one said *she used to tell me EVERYTHING and now she doesn't*

Jfc...how is a person going to be healthy and mature if they've got their clingy mother on their backs because they are thinking about themselves.

If you love your kids, you want them to be happy and don't want to make their lives difficult and put pressure on them

🙄

Nikkistar you're so right.

Everything sucks including my hoover (even though is brand new) 😄 and her situation is the worst. We were all sitting in a very hot train, you could see sweat on my son's forehead but she was the hottest and felt the worst. She was constantly complaining about how hot she was. I finally got annoyed and said: I'm not sure how hot you are as I'm not you, but I can assure you every single person on this train is very hot and sweating.

Nothing positive - how did you know? 😉

When I tell her she uses very negative language, she says that I'm a tyrant, I constantly pick on her and she can't do anything right, I'm very controlling and she can't be herself.

She assists my son with everything. This is what they do, they make you dependant on their help so you think you can't do anything without them. And this is how I feel a bit, I'm worried, I won't be able to work full time and look after my son without her.

Anyway, I keep telling her to stop, I want my son to be confident and independent, also when she finally goes back, I won't have time to treat him like this and it's unhealthy. She of course thinks I'm ungrateful and she's the most caring grandmother. Also she is very concerned about others and what they may think of her - it drives me mad.

Anyway, I could go on and on ...

MyStarsShine, you are very right, as someone said love is to let go.

My mother actually bought me a ticket to go abroad, I think she was ashamed of me as I finished my studies and couldn't find a job (there was a massive unemployment in my country at that time and I wasn't the only one unemployed). Now she constantly complains that I live so far away and don't want to go back.

But yes, I have to make sure I do not enmesh my son and don't use him to feed the needs that my mother never met.

Posted by MaxMaks

Nikkistar you're so right.

Everything sucks including my hoover (even though is brand new) 😄 and her situation is the worst. We were all sitting in a very hot train, you could see sweat on my son's forehead but she was the hottest and felt the worst. She was constantly complaining about how hot she was. I finally got annoyed and said: I'm not sure how hot you are as I'm not you, but I can assure you every single person on this train is very hot and sweating.

Nothing positive - how did you know? 😉

When I tell her she uses very negative language, she says that I'm a tyrant, I constantly pick on her and she can't do anything right, I'm very controlling and she can't be herself.

She assists my son with everything. This is what they do, they make you dependant on their help so you think you can't do anything without them. And this is how I feel a bit, I'm worried, I won't be able to work full time and look after my son without her.

Anyway, I keep telling her to stop, I want my son to be confident and independent, also when she finally goes back, I won't have time to treat him like this and it's unhealthy. She of course thinks I'm ungrateful and she's the most caring grandmother. Also she is very concerned about others and what they may think of her - it drives me mad.

Anyway, I could go on and on ...

I know because almost every codependent mom shares the exact same attributes. It's the skills they have taught themselves to manipulate. Most of them are very rude and inconsiderate as well.

I would bet that she reaches over people at the grocery store, or goes up to complete strangers and will ask them inappropriate questions as well. I bet there has been at least one time, where she has cut in a line "just to ask a question", as if others hadn't been waiting to do the same thing. Or asked a stranger for something inappropriate, whether that be to taste their food, or to do something for her, and says "It's fine, they don't mind."

And I understand that you're stuck in a hard place, with work, and your son. However, you will need to figure something out that allows you to put your mother into a proverbial box, where she doesn't have space to run rampant over you. I would almost bet that she is putting more responsibility on your son, then his age should afford. Almost stepping into a more parental role for your son. Because honestly, she probably feels she is entitled to have more say in his life, and how he is raised, because she is your mom, therefore that means she has more rights.

It won't get better until you limit your interactions with her, or be very definite and stern with her.

Yes Marai, my son seems happy, he's a cheerful little guy, but it is important that he sees his mother happy and confident :-).

Posted by MaxMaks

MyStarsShine, you are very right, as someone said love is to let go.

My mother actually bought me a ticket to go abroad, I think she was ashamed of me as I finished my studies and couldn't find a job (there was a massive unemployment in my country at that time and I wasn't the only one unemployed). Now she constantly complains that I live so far away and don't want to go back.

But yes, I have to make sure I do not enmesh my son and don't use him to feed the needs that my mother never met.

That's very sad to read, that she was ashamed of you, is that a cultural thing...I just don't relate to that at all...I told our lad whatever he decided to do, I would always love and support him

Keep detaching and remember it's not your job to please her or be her target for her anger. She needs to learn to please herself.

How old is your son? ❤️

Posted by MyStarsShine

Posted by MaxMaks

MyStarsShine, you are very right, as someone said love is to let go.

My mother actually bought me a ticket to go abroad, I think she was ashamed of me as I finished my studies and couldn't find a job (there was a massive unemployment in my country at that time and I wasn't the only one unemployed). Now she constantly complains that I live so far away and don't want to go back.

But yes, I have to make sure I do not enmesh my son and don't use him to feed the needs that my mother never met.

That's very sad to read, that she was ashamed of you, is that a cultural thing...I just don't relate to that at all...I told our lad whatever he decided to do, I would always love and support him

Keep detaching and remember it's not your job to please her or be her target for her anger. She needs to learn to please herself.

How old is your son? ❤️

click to expand

He's 4.5, just started reception, I'm very proud of him, he is well liked and has many friends :-)

Yes, she could not understand how come I was so unsuccessful, I was not ugly, not stupid and she gave me everything and still I was struggling in life and couldn't find a job, even though it was very difficult at that time.

I don't think it's cultural, I wasn't the only one struggling, I think it was her, she could not show me off to anyone anymore.

Posted by SpaceBird

I think i am the co dependent one ..the best way to deal with me is ....kindly but state your true feelings and your boundaries.

Thank you SpaceBird.

I'm not sure you are, the fact that you think you are indicates that possibly you're not.

I tried that, I was screamed at and called ungrateful and the conversation was quickly moved from my feelings to her feelings and how much I hurt them - her own daughter treating her so badly.

I'm feeling guilty even now, when I'm writing all these things about her.

Posted by MaxMaks

Posted by MyStarsShine

Posted by MaxMaks

MyStarsShine, you are very right, as someone said love is to let go.

My mother actually bought me a ticket to go abroad, I think she was ashamed of me as I finished my studies and couldn't find a job (there was a massive unemployment in my country at that time and I wasn't the only one unemployed). Now she constantly complains that I live so far away and don't want to go back.

But yes, I have to make sure I do not enmesh my son and don't use him to feed the needs that my mother never met.

That's very sad to read, that she was ashamed of you, is that a cultural thing...I just don't relate to that at all...I told our lad whatever he decided to do, I would always love and support him

Keep detaching and remember it's not your job to please her or be her target for her anger. She needs to learn to please herself.

How old is your son? ❤️

He's 4.5, just started reception, I'm very proud of him, he is well liked and has many friends :-)

Yes, she could not understand how come I was so unsuccessful, I was not ugly, not stupid and she gave me everything and still I was struggling in life and couldn't find a job, even though it was very difficult at that time.

I don't think it's cultural, I wasn't the only one struggling, I think it was her, she could not show me off to anyone anymore.

click to expand

Show you off? Wow that is terrible

I'm sure you will be a much better mother to your boy

Posted by MyStarsShine

Posted by MaxMaks

Posted by MyStarsShine

Posted by MaxMaks

MyStarsShine, you are very right, as someone said love is to let go.

My mother actually bought me a ticket to go abroad, I think she was ashamed of me as I finished my studies and couldn't find a job (there was a massive unemployment in my country at that time and I wasn't the only one unemployed). Now she constantly complains that I live so far away and don't want to go back.

But yes, I have to make sure I do not enmesh my son and don't use him to feed the needs that my mother never met.

That's very sad to read, that she was ashamed of you, is that a cultural thing...I just don't relate to that at all...I told our lad whatever he decided to do, I would always love and support him

Keep detaching and remember it's not your job to please her or be her target for her anger. She needs to learn to please herself.

How old is your son? ❤️

He's 4.5, just started reception, I'm very proud of him, he is well liked and has many friends :-)

Yes, she could not understand how come I was so unsuccessful, I was not ugly, not stupid and she gave me everything and still I was struggling in life and couldn't find a job, even though it was very difficult at that time.

I don't think it's cultural, I wasn't the only one struggling, I think it was her, she could not show me off to anyone anymore.

Show you off? Wow that is terrible

I'm sure you will be a much better mother to your boy

click to expand

Thank you :-).

I'm not sure I said it correctly, about showing off, but I wasn't her perfect daughter anymore, I was struggling.

Posted by MaxMaks

Posted by MyStarsShine

Posted by MaxMaks

Posted by MyStarsShine

Posted by MaxMaks

MyStarsShine, you are very right, as someone said love is to let go.

My mother actually bought me a ticket to go abroad, I think she was ashamed of me as I finished my studies and couldn't find a job (there was a massive unemployment in my country at that time and I wasn't the only one unemployed). Now she constantly complains that I live so far away and don't want to go back.

But yes, I have to make sure I do not enmesh my son and don't use him to feed the needs that my mother never met.

That's very sad to read, that she was ashamed of you, is that a cultural thing...I just don't relate to that at all...I told our lad whatever he decided to do, I would always love and support him

Keep detaching and remember it's not your job to please her or be her target for her anger. She needs to learn to please herself.

How old is your son? ❤️

He's 4.5, just started reception, I'm very proud of him, he is well liked and has many friends :-)

Yes, she could not understand how come I was so unsuccessful, I was not ugly, not stupid and she gave me everything and still I was struggling in life and couldn't find a job, even though it was very difficult at that time.

I don't think it's cultural, I wasn't the only one struggling, I think it was her, she could not show me off to anyone anymore.

Show you off? Wow that is terrible

I'm sure you will be a much better mother to your boy

Thank you :-).

I'm not sure I said it correctly, about showing off, but I wasn't her perfect daughter anymore, I was struggling.

click to expand

....and tell her from me that's when we need to love our children more....when they are struggling

She sounds cold 👎🏻

Dear all, thank you very much for listening to me, for your comments and your reassurance.

I was feeling very confused and I'm feeling much better now :-)

Posted by MaxMaks

Thank you brianafay :-)

I think you're right. I'm loosing perspective.

I spent 6 years in counselling. I stopped when my son was born. I remember talking about my mother's voice in my head. Did she really say all the horrible things I just heard or was it her voice in my head.

As I said all the bad memories of her abuse are back with her, most of the time that's all I think about and maybe her voice in my head is back as well. I'm back to my teenage years, but I'm not a teenager anymore, I'm a strong and successful grown up woman and a mother and I will not let her leach on me anymore. Her happiness does not depend on me, I don't have to keep her entertained. My mental health is important, if not for myself then for my son.

I'm sorry, I'm overanalysing now.

Thank you everybody for your support - BOUNDARIES! :-)

I know it’s easier said than done

I’ve watched my husband struggle with it and though I don’t have the same problems with my parents I do truly understand why it would be hard

She’s your mom and ultimately you just really want her in your life. That’s natural and makes sense...but as other people have suggested ...sometimes cutting off a person like that is the only way. She’s older, she’s set in her ways. She’s not likely to change her ways. You can only control how much you allow her to get away with and how you react.

A toxic person is still a toxic person regardless their relation to you. I mean just think of the people who’s parents physically and sexually abused them...should they still allow that person in their life just because that’s their mom/dad? Nah I don’t think it’s worth it.

You have your child now- that’s your family - you have to worry about you two first

🤗 hugs

Thank you Brianafay and Arielle83.

I hope your son is fine now Arielle83.

Yes, their behaviours are totally irrational and definitely have double standards and different sets of rules.

I think my mum thought that when she comes over and starts looking after my son, he would prefer her over me (as she's so great and caring), luckily he remains mummy's boy, always on my side :-).