Pisces guy can't understand WHY

I've been dating a Pisces man for 3 months, I'm a Virgo\Leo cusp.
Everything was going great, I respected him and his space and vice versa. We were taking things slowly and not rushing into a relationship, just dating and getting to know each other with out pressure.
On the Sunday before xmas he came over, as he was going to be heading off for a week to do an emotional detox relating to his ex wife and kids (I was completely supportive and told him I thought it was a great idea).
During the course of the evening he kept mentioning an ex girlfriend (he split with 2 years ago), after the 3rd time, I said "ok you've said her name a lot tonight - what's the story".
He then launches into a story that ends with "I dream that one day she'll knock on my door and take me back".
I was completely thrown, but maintained my composure and asked him why didn't he contact her if he felt that way. He responded with some waffle about she doesn't know where he is, he doesn't know where she is and she's probably moved on.
I kept my cool, and let him stay but didnt allow physical intimacy.
The next day he texted me from his home as if nothing had happened. I replied a couple of hours later that due to his confession i wasn't comfortable communicating, and could we pick up the conversation after the new year ? He replied "what confession". When I told him he said "why is that a problem" I said they I'd begun to feel attached to him and the confession hit me like a bomb. He replied that it would never happen......
He cannot grasp WHY that information should effect me.
I cannot understand how he doesn't get it !!!!!!!

I can't be nasty at xmas time, it's one of those things about me.
I've got no intention of playing second best to anyone, but I'll look him in the eye and tell him that.
I just can't for the life of me work out his reasoning.

pisces craves sensitivity but at time they dont give it. im sorry but i could not mess with no man who claims to be single but is still craving his ex and has stated that he hopes she comes knocking on his door. now, when that happens your goose is cooked.

maybe he did that to see your commitment to him.

Lol - I have no intention of 'messing with him', and I'm gobsmacked that he thinks I'd settle for less than being number 1.
Naaaaaah - he got pretty worked up about it, and actually exclaimed "how the hell did we end up discussing this" - I reminded him that I asked him BECAUSE he kept saying her name.
Another thing that confuses me is that they split because he wouldn't marry her - so I'm beginning to wonder if that's WHY he won't contact her.

Gee I don't know.... Do guys bake cakes for casual affairs and get jealous of any hint of a guy hanging around ?

No, I had said I wouldn't consider going official till after 3 months.
His term was that we were respectfully dating.

Honestly, I couldn't start a relationship with this douchebag, I'm just trying to work out his mindset about not understanding why his confession was an issue....

Mmmmm, that's interesting xygeneration. He said that admitting to feeling an attachment changed the rules. When I queried what that meant, he replied something about we had had an absence of rules and maybe that's why we enjoyed each other. We had both said we wouldn't be dating others. You've helped answer a question I'd had although I'm still confused as to why he can't grasp why I wouldn't be ok with him wanting to reconcile with his ex - IF she was the one to initiate it.

But having an emotional attachment to his ex means that he is emotionally unavailable. We had in the early days discussed the possibility of a relationship, but we both agreed to take it slow and le our feelings develop ( or not) naturally without pressure.

Only rule was no sexual activity or dating others.

He had stipulated no dating others, so I'd be pissed if he was, as we had both agreed not to.
GAAAAARRRGGHHHHHH XYZ you ARE making sense - damn it ;p
Here I was feeling self righteous and now you've knocked me off my soapbox 😉
....... I don't know that I'd be able to have a relationship with him due to his ex attachment - I'm not budging on that.

So, you had expectations with a guy you weren't in a relationship with !!!


You telling him to wait three months before you'd consider being in a relationship with sounds more like an arrangement, a contract ... then it does two hearts mutually coming together because they want to bond with each other.


I would likely not attach myself to a person who said that .... perhaps a Virgo would rather be with a person they have arranged to be with due to calculating ... but, a Pisces usually won't go along with such coldness.


You should try a different sign ... maybe an Aqua? I don't know .. but, certainly not a water sign because we are all about feelings, and obviously feelings are something you didn't quite care about.

I don't know that we were cool and aloof, we just weren't spouting "I love you", there was a lot of tenderness between us and we spent more time hugging and talking than in bed.
That said, I am taking on board that my coolness may have been misread, but I often told him that his hugs were the best in the world and that I felt safe with him. A few weeks ago I was quite emotional due to family issues and burst into tears in his arms a few times, i said to him then that I don't feel capable of doing that with many people and that I HAD felt able to let go with him, said a lot about the trust I had in him.

P-angel at what point did I say I had expectations ?
When two people meet and agree that they want to continue seeing other to SEE if a relationship could develop, it would be assumed that both people are emotionally available to do so.

This man has been pressured into relationships before, so I suggested 3 months as a way to remove pressure from him.

I think thats really mean of him.. just, mean. And he can't seriously be aloof about what he has said. He knew what he was saying. And if he didn't take your feelings into consideration, maybe he just isnt mature enough for a grown-up caring relationship.

I didn't attack him when he confessed about the ex, and I DID suggest he contact her if his feelings are that strong.
BTW the ex in this situation came after the ex wife, and the divorce was settled about 5 years ago.

Posted by ellessque
I don't understand why you are calling him a douchebag when he was only being honest with you.

Would you rather be lied to?

He's not being a douchebag.

She put a condition on the development of the relationship from day one, in telling him that she only wanted to date which means no relationship.

Dating is NOT a commitment ... at the end of the 3-month period, which SHE established, he made his decision, and is choosing someone else.

He tells her his decision ... and it's his right to decide who he wants to be with.

I don't see an expectation of emotional availability as asking too much.
I had accepted that he had loved this woman very much and that a part of him always would, what i didn't know was that hes still IN LOVE with her.

P-angel you need to go back and actually read what was said, he admitted to being in love with his ex, this has nothing to do with '3 months'. I feel he should have told me sooner.

Yes, he said he is in love with her. Had he said he will always love her but has let go and moved on, them no problem.
He admitted that while he's away he needs to de-tox from THAT relationship.

Posted by Virgotigress

He cannot grasp WHY that information should effect me.
I cannot understand how he doesn't get it !!!!!!!

You have no clearly stated what it is he is suppose to get.

In your description of events, you portray yourself as not wanting to state what you really feel ... so, how exactly is he suppose to get what you're not conveying to him?

You've made sure to not react, to remain cool-headed .. which appears to be non-concerned in the other persons eyes.

so, how exactly is he suppose to know that that information should effect you?

Ok it's late here in the land of Oz, and i need some shut eye. I'll be re-reading the commentsas right now I'm cross eyed with tiredness.

Posted by Virgotigress
P-angel you need to go back and actually read what was said, he admitted to being in love with his ex, this has nothing to do with '3 months'. I feel he should have told me sooner.

I read word-for-word everything you've posted in this thread.

I don't see how you can the hypocrite you are and then expect him to be honest and upfront with you .... because according to what YOU wrote, you've conveyed to us several times that you responded to him differently than how you felt.

Posted by Virgotigress

I was completely thrown, but maintained my composure .....

I kept my cool, and let him stay but didnt allow physical intimacy.

The next day he texted me from his home as if nothing had happened.

I replied a couple of hours later that due to his confession i wasn't comfortable communicating, and could we pick up the conversation after the new year ?

He replied "what confession". When I told him he said "why is that a problem"

I said they I'd begun to feel attached to him and the confession hit me like a bomb.

He cannot grasp WHY that information should effect me.

I cannot understand how he doesn't get it !!!!!!!

If you were completely thrown, then why would you remain your composure? Is it because you KNEW the two of you weren't close, so how could you justify being thrown?

What is the purpose of keeping your cool, if you were gutted? Is it because it was your intentions to remain aloof with him all along, so that he doesn't realize how you actually feel?

Of course, he texts as if nothing happened .. nothing did happen, you made damn sure not to let him see how you feel .. so how the fuck is he suppose to that somethign did happen inside your silence?

If you weren't comfortable in talking to him, then how the fuck can you expect him to talk to you? IN other words, you want him to do what you won't do = hypocrisy

So, because you gained feelings for him in which you never expressed to him by virtue of remaining silent when you should have been sharing .... he then is suppose to magically know this, and so then change his whole perspective of the dating to relationship upon your remaining quiet of how you suddenly feel?

I don't get it ... and I don't get how this should effect you ... so why do you think this should effect him?

Posted by ninjafish

I've brought up exes to current lovers plenty of times, but never would I do so in some pining "omg if they came knocking at my door I'd take them back in open arms" sort of way. That's really rude and obnoxious, highly insulting to the person you're supposedly dating, no matter the seriousness of this new squeeze. If it were a clear "fuck buddy" situation, that's one thing; but this wasn't.

This isn't about you.

According to HER, she isn't conveying her feelings when she is feeling thrown .. that isn't an indication of seriousness.

Obviously, you don't realize that people tell stories according to their own personal slant .. because what she writes between the lines (how she reacts) you are oblivious to.

Action is calculated .. she tells you how she wants to act
Reaction is spontaneous .. and her reactions are withholding telling him how she feels, and withholding letting him see that he hurts her.


So, since she is withholding this information, it becomes obvious (which I realize you aren't capable of recognizing the obvious, so this is why I'm telling you) that thier 'dating' agreement isn't being mutually bonded with togetherness, since there isn't communication, so it also means that she is being totally unrealistic when she asks how he doesn't get how she feels, when she isn't telling him how she feels, because they aren't close.


Sad, that this has to be explained to a Pisces

Half asleep and thought of adding this.
He doesn't see why him being open to reconciling with his ex as an impediment to starting a relationship with me.
He has said that when he comes back we will talk about how we want to progress..... I can't see how we CAN progress with his feelings for his ex being very much alive.

All good, I'm taking it on board in a good way - you've been very insightful.

I get what you're saying about him retreating to the ex relationship for comfort, but to tell me he dreams of her knocking in his door says to me that he hasn't let her go.

And we've had sex, we agreed not to have sex with others. My bad.

Ninja this is what I'm sensing, he refuses to chase her but is waiting for her to chase him.

Bloody hell it's 230am ....

Hmmmmm, the toxic feelings hes gone to de tox, could be bringing up past issues with ex - perhaps why he was talking about her ?

These are the points that have gotten me. Why say you want a relationship if you know you can't give your whole heart to a new person.

I thought he was 'ok' as he had been in an 8 month relationship prior to meeting me, that relationship ended 7 months before we met.

Hahaha good description of me 😉

I'm not in love with an ex so im able to give my whole heart, my concern is that he can't give me his whole heart .
I have men in my past who I will always love, but not in love with them. That is different to being in love with someone and 'saying' you want th back.

No sarcasm XYZ, honest acceptance of who I am.

I have to say thank you to everyone.
When he returns I WILL go and listen carefully with an open mind and heart.
He's been under a lot of pressure lately and he's done the Pisces 'must get away from it all' to clear his head thing.
I suggested he try reiki, meditation and one on one counselling, so he may now be on his way to letting things go.

Ooooooo that's creepy XYZ - he described himself as being in a process of changing and maturing *cue music from Twilight zone".

Faaaaaaark it's after 3 - this old lady needs to sleep.

LOL@exit stage left... great one DeeGee.

I did not read the whole thread.

So basically he was breaking up with you on the slick, trying to exit with a bang but you didn't give him the satisfaction of seeing how his confession made you feel, you are a strong, mature woman because a lot of women would have turned that confession into a break up and I believe that is what he was after, to get a break, go out on his emotional detox which is code for "permission to f*ck someone else" without guilt, no man is doing an emotional detox LMAO! Least he's not going to call it that. Oh the Pisces man is full of shenanigans. I wish you the best of luck Virgotigress.

If you're willing to accept him as in, then I would agree with XY in that he needs to be shown love to get out of his rut. He'll only think about his ex until you show him exactly what you have to give to him. And, if you give him your all, and he still thinks about his ex, then you're not the right girl for him and vice versa. But, not everyone is willing to open themselves up and give their all for someone who is currently unwilling to do the same. He's only thinking about his best past experience, and what he needs is someone that sweeps him off his feet. Sure, a relationship between you two can work, even with a part of him being somewhere else, and he has the potential to be happy, too, but overall, and in the long run, he will just be 'settling' for you, unless he gets over his ex. And, I think his period of detoxing would end up with him thinking about his life...which would would lead to him thinking about her...which would lead to him wanting to be with her more. It's an excuse to be alone and to think, yet, it's pretty obvious to me where his mind will go. He may choose to be with you after that, however, he will not have healed any.

This is just my opinion. Obviously, not everyone is going to agree, because in the end, it takes a certain kind of person to sit back and be supportive in situations like this and not think of it as being the end. Or to even think the guy is worth it after all of that.

Also, to answer the question you were actually asking..which is why he would think it's okay to say that....is because he's probably really self-absorbed and living in his mind right now. All he cares about is finding that feeling again that he has been missing...and therefore, when he says insensitive things, it may not register to him. Your feelings are not what is encompassing his mind right now. Depending on how self-absorbed he is, he may be able to see your side of this whole thing if he sits down to think about it....but will he do that, anyway? He's trying to find his place and is confused.
That's how I see it.

Thanks Scenic. I've spent this morning (here in Oz), thinking of ways to be supportive and help him get over this. I know from past conversations that the ex caused him grief and as XYZ said hes probably more in love with the good in that relationship than the actual person. He may come back from the retreat decided that he needs to contact her/see her, which I don't think is a bad thing, of course it would mean the end of us, but I'm not interested in being with someone who doesn't want me anyway.
Thanks for answering the question as well, that does make sense, he was very embarrassed about his outburst and I think he realised he had been in his head, and I can see how being in his head would stop him from seeing it from my side. He's usually very empathetic, so he may think on it, especially as he has said that he wants to process being in a relationship with me. I've asked him not to contact me till he returns, which he was not happy about, but I explained that he needs to focus on himself and healing and to shut out the outside world, so I have some hope that I'm not completely out of his thoughts.

Try taking a lesson ....


Instead of planning on feelings to form according to expectations .... live for the development of the natural feelings.



This comes natural to his kind, and I realize it's a stretch for a Virgo to concieve is even possible .... but, it's the only way you will ever find realness in a partner. Thus far, you attempted to think your way into a relationship, while completely disregarding feelings, and in most cases even forgiving him of his feelings, as if they aren't necessary.


and that was your mistake, and will continue to be your mistake ....

You aren't communicating with him about your feelings, because in Virgo fashion, you are shrugging them off as if they don't play a part in developing a relationship.


His ex is probably full of emotions, even if they are bad ones, at least she is expressing them .... and to participate in a relationship with someone with bad feelings to deal with is better than being in a relationship with an emotional robot.


This will fly over your Virgo head .... there's no doubt in my mind about that.

But, I can still hope that one day you will at least WANT to be a part of humanity, because then you will attempt to peel away the cold armor.