sweethearts
@sweethearts
19 Years5,000+ Posts
Comments: 163 · Posts: 6615 · Topics: 326
Help me understand this..
ego?
Girls can get used for more than sex. Don't undervalue your attention and emotional labor.
I know this won't make sense to most, but I compare men to tarantulas in ways. I know it's not the same, but male tarantula are always smaller, and live shorter lives then the females. They actually grow something called tibial hooks in their legs so they can hold the females fangs back while mating. If the male ends up being too small or weak, he is then over powered by the female and eaten on the spot. Thus never given the opportunity to breed and live. I feel this idea is natural with most male lifeforms, so the idea of a male being cautious in any situation seems natural to me. In fact I feel that men who are more cautious tend to live longer, which I'm more then happy for someone to try and prove me wrong.
Posted by sweethearts
Why does a guy connect (not sure what word to use here) with you. Text/talk/share their stories but never 100% ?
Yes, I know you’ll say they aren’t all that into you and that’s fine but what do they get out of just keep you hanging there... What are they getting from it? Why not just let you go instead of dangling a carrot pretending to be interested and then canceling plans. Everytime, you try and make a break.. they come back a little stronger and lure you back with hope to then repeat.
This happened to me a last year until I got off that train however the other day I was talking to a couple girlfriends and not 1 but 2 of them were going through similar situations?? Is it an age thing? Younger guys are very forward, they know what they want, sex. That’s it and that’s all!
Until we/they realise these other guys are wasting their time and cut/block that persons all contact, they can’t and don’t move on and aren’t open to anyone else because they are hoping their person will come around.
Perhaps the question should be a process of self-reflection. Instead of asking "why do men do....?", ask "why am I?...why do
I allow....?"
We all get things thrown at us to help us move forward, figure out who we are and perhaps the process of repeating this dance with these types of men that do more than just show up with peen in hand is meant to help these women (your friends) recognize they deserve more. You pointed it out yourself, these women are hoping the men will come around....one shouldn't have to hope the person you're involved with will step up. They either do or they don't, and if they aren't stepping up from jump why are you still sticking around? There is a lesson in the answer to that question. To me, that says as much about you and what you need to sort out as it does the men that carry on like that.
I mean d*mn, you wouldn't stick around a job hoping to get paid after a week of work. I'm also sure if you didn't get paid after those 7 days of work you wouldn't say "okay, I'll do another 8 hour shift and hope I'll get paid this time". Yet, a man breaks promises, does no more than dick you down and when he comes back you hope he'll do better. Okay.
If the man (or anyone for that matter) isn't coming correct from day 1, he is telling you all you need to know. That is not to say a person can't mature and grow up and be more or treat you better. All I am saying is let him learn how to do that on someone else's time. Not yours. He should be coming to you with that basic life lesson already tucked in his belt.
^^^At the end of the day any person will push boundaries, waste your time (aka show up to play, but not stay) if you let them. These men you're describing just figured that out a lot faster than the women that allow them to waste their time did.
I do know why we women do. When you finally meet someone in all the crap out there that shows a bit of promise and ticks a few of your boxes then you hold out a lot of hope that if you do show patience you’ll get your happy ever after. We, all 3 of us have been single after 1st marriages and children for a long time. I also see this on the threads here all the time.
The question is still... why dick someone around if you don’t have any intention of opening your life up to them? Best response I’ve seen is Ego and as Wizard says, don’t assume they know what they are doing...however I think in the beginning that might be the case but surely you’re aware of what you’re doing after several months?
Hmph. I going to guess that these men y'all are meeting are fairly intelligent, can carry a conversation, manage their lives without their hands being held? They manage to check off a few boxes on whosever list to be worthy of their attention, so I am going to guess yes.
If one of the items on this list of things to be checked off included "can hold down a job/employed", "good communicator" or "honest" you can miss me on the "not knowing what they are doing" bit because these character traits/skills are transferable to a relationship as well. Only difference is in one area of their life they choose to put in the effort and another they don't.
I think people make too many excuses for grown a** people. Some are just selfish emotional leeches simply because they can be.
If one of the items on this list of things to be checked off included "can hold down a job/employed", "good communicator" or "honest" you can miss me on the "not knowing what they are doing" bit because these character traits/skills are transferable to a relationship as well. Only difference is in one area of their life they choose to put in the effort and another they don't.
I think people make too many excuses for grown a** people. Some are just selfish emotional leeches simply because they can be.
Posted by PhoenixRising
Hmph. I going to guess that these men y'all are meeting are fairly intelligent, can carry a conversation, manage their lives without their hands being held? They manage to check off a few boxes on whosever list to be worthy of their attention, so I am going to guess yes.
If one of the items on this list of things to be checked off included "can hold down a job/employed", "good communicator" or "honest" you can miss me on the "not knowing they are doing" bit because these character traits/skills are transferable to a relationship as well. Only difference is in one area of their life they choose to put in the effort and another they don't.
I think people make too many excuses for grown a** people. Some are just selfish emotional leeches simply because they can be.
And that’s exactly it! You hit the nail on the head!
friendship?
Wellcome to the challenge of dating men over 40, lol!
They have passed their prime, testosterone levels dropped, erectile issues are on the rise. Many have gone through a divorce or other failed major relationship, are co-parenting, or going through a midlife crisis. They need a mother, a female friend, a counsellor, more than a random stranger to empty their balls in. They want attention, emotional support, advice, empathy, the "female touch", validation, companionship. Sounds good, eh...? Except for when there is a strong imbalance, meaning that you are giving far more then are receiving.
But why don't they commit to a relationship with you? Because they are happy with the status quo. You satisfy their needs. You build them up. Thanks to you, they feel much better about themselves. In fact, they start wondering if they are too good for you now...because they've noticed that you have some minor flaws...how dare you to be less than perfect, and think you've got them...—
How can you spot these time wasters? Share your plans to begin with, which should always involve a timeline. For example, if you meet the right person, you want to become exclusive once you have had sex with them, official within 4 months (the vast majority of people who are emotionally available are falling in love within 4 months), move together within one year, get married within two. See how they react. If they respond evasively, drop them. If they pay you lip service initially, but then are dragging their feet, drop them. There are people out there who want what you want, and most importantly, they want it with you!
Also, never give more than you receive. Does he like talking about his past and present issues, but largely ignore yours, or shows no empathy? Drop him like a hot potato. How does he treat you? Is he unhelpful, patronising or dismissive, forgets his promises, often late for a date, fails to reply to your question for days, or cancels your plans without a major force/event? Drop him now!
They have passed their prime, testosterone levels dropped, erectile issues are on the rise. Many have gone through a divorce or other failed major relationship, are co-parenting, or going through a midlife crisis. They need a mother, a female friend, a counsellor, more than a random stranger to empty their balls in. They want attention, emotional support, advice, empathy, the "female touch", validation, companionship. Sounds good, eh...? Except for when there is a strong imbalance, meaning that you are giving far more then are receiving.
But why don't they commit to a relationship with you? Because they are happy with the status quo. You satisfy their needs. You build them up. Thanks to you, they feel much better about themselves. In fact, they start wondering if they are too good for you now...because they've noticed that you have some minor flaws...how dare you to be less than perfect, and think you've got them...—
How can you spot these time wasters? Share your plans to begin with, which should always involve a timeline. For example, if you meet the right person, you want to become exclusive once you have had sex with them, official within 4 months (the vast majority of people who are emotionally available are falling in love within 4 months), move together within one year, get married within two. See how they react. If they respond evasively, drop them. If they pay you lip service initially, but then are dragging their feet, drop them. There are people out there who want what you want, and most importantly, they want it with you!
Also, never give more than you receive. Does he like talking about his past and present issues, but largely ignore yours, or shows no empathy? Drop him like a hot potato. How does he treat you? Is he unhelpful, patronising or dismissive, forgets his promises, often late for a date, fails to reply to your question for days, or cancels your plans without a major force/event? Drop him now!
Some extra advice for when you use a dating site. It is well known that most men over-estimate their own attractiveness and only go for the top 25% most attractive women on a dating site. Yes, a 5 thinks that he should date an 8!
This means that 75% of men will get rejected...again and again and again. Some will eventually learn and change their target...but many haven't just yet. If you are "only" an average attractive woman, beware of the later. They are in desperate need of an ego boost ...sadly this may be the only thing they want from you...once achieved, they are back chasing what they can't have.
This means that 75% of men will get rejected...again and again and again. Some will eventually learn and change their target...but many haven't just yet. If you are "only" an average attractive woman, beware of the later. They are in desperate need of an ego boost ...sadly this may be the only thing they want from you...once achieved, they are back chasing what they can't have.
Posted by Undine
Welcome to the challenge of dating men ...
...testosterone levels dropped, erectile issues are on the rise. Many have gone through a divorce or other failed major relationship, are co-parenting, or going through a midlife crisis. They need a mother, a female friend, a counsellor, more than a random stranger to empty their balls in. They want attention, emotional support, advice, empathy, the "female touch", validation, companionship. Sounds good, eh...? Except for when there is a strong imbalance, meaning that you are giving far more then are receiving.
But why don't they commit to a relationship with you? Because they are happy with the status quo. You satisfy their needs. You build them up. Thanks to you, they feel much better about themselves. In fact, they start wondering if they are too good for you now...because they've noticed that you have some minor flaws...how dare you to be less than perfect, and think you've got them...—
How can you spot these time wasters? Share your plans to begin with, which should always involve a timeline. For example, if you meet the right person, you want to become exclusive once you have had sex with them, official within 4 months (the vast majority of people who are emotionally available are falling in love within 4 months), move together within one year, get married within two. See how they react. If they respond evasively, drop them. If they pay you lip service initially, but then are dragging their feet, drop them. There are people out there who want what you want, and most importantly, they want it with you!
...Does he like talking about his past and present issues, but largely ignore yours, or shows no empathy? Drop him like a hot potato. How does he treat you? Is he unhelpful, patronising or dismissive, forgets his promises, often late for a date, fails to reply to your question for days, or cancels your plans without a major force/event? Drop him now!
*like*
All of this^^^ (with minor edits).
Just take it as a friendship.
I had the same thing happen to me. He basically used me to talk to all the time and never wanted to meet up. I just stopped expecting it. We started talking last March, then we chatted on the phone or texted for like 6 or 7 months without meeting up, he used Covid as reason, so I just left it alone and continued dating someone else.
He calls and texts still and we see each other more now, but I'm dating someone, so it ended up just being a friendship.
I think the pandemic made guys lonely.
So basically it will just depend on if you want to remain friends with the guy. Once you decide on a friendship, he will probably end up liking you- That's usually how it goes.
I see this guy more now, then I did when I liked him.
I had the same thing happen to me. He basically used me to talk to all the time and never wanted to meet up. I just stopped expecting it. We started talking last March, then we chatted on the phone or texted for like 6 or 7 months without meeting up, he used Covid as reason, so I just left it alone and continued dating someone else.
He calls and texts still and we see each other more now, but I'm dating someone, so it ended up just being a friendship.
I think the pandemic made guys lonely.
So basically it will just depend on if you want to remain friends with the guy. Once you decide on a friendship, he will probably end up liking you- That's usually how it goes.
I see this guy more now, then I did when I liked him.
No, I dropped mine back in January. No contact. I have loads of friends, don’t need anymore. Also, it was online dating because of covid for me too, dropped that too! So many fucktards there but thought and was fooled by that one.
Posted by Undine
Wellcome to the challenge of dating men over 40, lol!
They have passed their prime, testosterone levels dropped, erectile issues are on the rise. Many have gone through a divorce or other failed major relationship, are co-parenting, or going through a midlife crisis. They need a mother, a female friend, a counsellor, more than a random stranger to empty their balls in. They want attention, emotional support, advice, empathy, the "female touch", validation, companionship. Sounds good, eh...? Except for when there is a strong imbalance, meaning that you are giving far more then are receiving.
But why don't they commit to a relationship with you? Because they are happy with the status quo. You satisfy their needs. You build them up. Thanks to you, they feel much better about themselves. In fact, they start wondering if they are too good for you now...because they've noticed that you have some minor flaws...how dare you to be less than perfect, and think you've got them...—
How can you spot these time wasters? Share your plans to begin with, which should always involve a timeline. For example, if you meet the right person, you want to become exclusive once you have had sex with them, official within 4 months (the vast majority of people who are emotionally available are falling in love within 4 months), move together within one year, get married within two. See how they react. If they respond evasively, drop them. If they pay you lip service initially, but then are dragging their feet, drop them. There are people out there who want what you want, and most importantly, they want it with you!
Also, never give more than you receive. Does he like talking about his past and present issues, but largely ignore yours, or shows no empathy? Drop him like a hot potato. How does he treat you? Is he unhelpful, patronising or dismissive, forgets his promises, often late for a date, fails to reply to your question for days, or cancels your plans without a major force/event? Drop him now!
Exceptional advice, I’m going to share this with my friend. Thanks 🙏
Posted by sweetheartsPosted by Undine
Wellcome to the challenge of dating men over 40, lol!
They have passed their prime, testosterone levels dropped, erectile issues are on the rise. Many have gone through a divorce or other failed major relationship, are co-parenting, or going through a midlife crisis. They need a mother, a female friend, a counsellor, more than a random stranger to empty their balls in. They want attention, emotional support, advice, empathy, the "female touch", validation, companionship. Sounds good, eh...? Except for when there is a strong imbalance, meaning that you are giving far more then are receiving.
But why don't they commit to a relationship with you? Because they are happy with the status quo. You satisfy their needs. You build them up. Thanks to you, they feel much better about themselves. In fact, they start wondering if they are too good for you now...because they've noticed that you have some minor flaws...how dare you to be less than perfect, and think you've got them...—
How can you spot these time wasters? Share your plans to begin with, which should always involve a timeline. For example, if you meet the right person, you want to become exclusive once you have had sex with them, official within 4 months (the vast majority of people who are emotionally available are falling in love within 4 months), move together within one year, get married within two. See how they react. If they respond evasively, drop them. If they pay you lip service initially, but then are dragging their feet, drop them. There are people out there who want what you want, and most importantly, they want it with you!
Also, never give more than you receive. Does he like talking about his past and present issues, but largely ignore yours, or shows no empathy? Drop him like a hot potato. How does he treat you? Is he unhelpful, patronising or dismissive, forgets his promises, often late for a date, fails to reply to your question for days, or cancels your plans without a major force/event? Drop him now!
Exceptional advice, I’m going to share this with my friend. Thanks 🙏click to expand
Oh, I wasn’t expecting this! Thank you as well, you made me happy 😊
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