Making Amends...

Today is my father's 61st birthday. Its been almost 3 years since i last spoke to him. Our last conversation we had was on my 28th birthday...he didnt even wish me a happy birthday, all he said was "i should have drowned you 28 years ago, you POS"...i had done nothing to merit that statement, and i decided then to cut ties after years of mental and verbal abuse.

My father is a diagnosed bi-polar/manic depressive, whom is a) in denial b) wont accept treatment and c) thinks its everyone elses fault, not his.

My mother delt with physical abuse on top of verbal and mental. After 20 years of doing all she could, she divorced him and i was relieved to not grow up in a household with him.

However today i Think of him, with sadness and guilt. Hes been ailing for quite sometime, heart attack in 2012, bouts of pneumonia, and as mentioned above depression..hes not a well man. Hes called a few times over the last seval weeks, but i start to shake and freak out that i just cant bring myself to answer the phone.

Ive been thinking that maybe i should make Amends...i dont think he has much time left. Hes homeless...at least he had been the last several years.

If he sought help, or even apologized or took any sort of responsibility for what hes done to my morher and i over the years, i wouldnt be so stubborn...but instead he flips the blame on everyone and everything. Its exhausting.

I think this has been affecting my happiness and in order to heal as a person i need to face this head on...but i really don't know how. Any advice is appreciated.

Edit*...my 28th birthday...not 18th. Oops, big difference

Posted by Uglygirlnextdoor

An apology won't fix anything. I erased mine from my memory. I'm happy and well now.

You wouldn't feel bad if he died and you were'nt on at least civil terms?...i mean i think ive done all i can in my end, but i have days i get really upset about it. That i couldn't do more.

Posted by Marai

You can't heal if the toxic person is in your life. What do you need to make amends for anyway? You didn't do anything. Don't feel guilty, and try to let go.

I have days im just upset that we dont have a relationship. I know he has nothing in this life except a daughter. No other children, no family...i just feel bad that he is all alone. Of course it's his own making, but a lonely existance is harsh imo.

Just because he planted the seed, doesn't make him your "father". You don't need that kind of dark energy in your life.

I buried my own POS many years ago, and when he died alone last year I felt nothing. I'm free. Just because he's dying doesn't change all the pain he's caused you.

Let me put it in another way: if he wasn't dying, would he be reaching out?

As a fellow Virgo mooner, you know how to close chapters of your life and never look back. The fact that there's no undoing the world of pain he caused, and that it's extremely unlikely he would change his tune just because he's dying, should make it easier for you to emotionally bury him and truly move on with your life.

Posted by HeavyEntertainmentShow

Just because he planted the seed, doesn't make him your "father". You don't need that kind of dark energy in your life.

I buried my own POS many years ago, and when he died alone last year I felt nothing. I'm free. Just because he's dying doesn't change all the pain he's caused you.

Let me put it in another way: if he wasn't dying, would he be reaching out?

As a fellow Virgo mooner, you know how to close chapters of your life and never look back. The fact that there's no undoing the world of pain he caused, and that it's extremely unlikely he would change his tune just because he's dying, should make it easier for you to emotionally bury him and truly move on with your life.

Lol how did this make me laugh, cry and shake my head in agreeance all at once. Thank you. Youre right, he isnt any differnt becasue hes dying.

I start to think maybe hes reaching out becasue he HAS changed...but the voicemails he leaves me say otherwise. Hes still the same.

I hope i too feel nothing when that time comes...

Posted by AnotherTaurusGuyReturns

Like other posters have said you have nothing to make up or apologise for. You’re an empathetic person to feel bad for him but he is only reaping what he sowed.

Yes, my empathy makes it difficult. I go though this every so often. All throughout my teenage years I would be the one trying to keep the relationship civil...for him to turn around and burn it down everytime. I've made amends time and time again. I guess there really isnt anything else i can do. It hasn't changed in 30 years

Posted by MissKrabs

I wouldn't be surprised if he reaches out now cause he needs someone to take care of him when old. Not sure about bipolar, how that works, probably would be better if he was in treatment. You certainly don't owe him anything but you could maybe give him an ultimatum we can talk when you start with therapy.

Tried that...like i said complete denial. Hes been in and out of psych wards when i was a child. He would always use his charm to convience my mom or his father to sign him out.

I also feel bad becasue my elderly grandparents are the ones who are ledt ro care for him. And i know it made my grandpa sick.

Hes ruined evey relationship in his life.

Posted by Boots1313

Posted by HeavyEntertainmentShow

Just because he planted the seed, doesn't make him your "father". You don't need that kind of dark energy in your life.

I buried my own POS many years ago, and when he died alone last year I felt nothing. I'm free. Just because he's dying doesn't change all the pain he's caused you.

Let me put it in another way: if he wasn't dying, would he be reaching out?

As a fellow Virgo mooner, you know how to close chapters of your life and never look back. The fact that there's no undoing the world of pain he caused, and that it's extremely unlikely he would change his tune just because he's dying, should make it easier for you to emotionally bury him and truly move on with your life.

Lol how did this make me laugh, cry and shake my head in agreeance all at once. Thank you. Youre right, he isnt any differnt becasue hes dying.

I start to think maybe hes reaching out becasue he HAS changed...but the voicemails he leaves me say otherwise. Hes still the same.

I hope i too feel nothing when that time comes...

click to expand

You laughed because I speak Virgomoonese



and because you sense my words come from a similar place of pain/disappointment. I've emotionally buried my ENTIRE family, which makes for some sometimes-awkward get-togethers on my boyfriend's side because they are a huge AND closeknit family. And half of them still live next door. I can hear them thinking "why can't we meet any of his folks?", and I've already explained to them why but the curiosity will always be there. They're very close and they can't imagine why I don't want any of my own people around.

The reason for that is that I know them too well. And I don't want that kind of people in my life. They are selfish takers. My father spread negativity and bitterness everywhere he went. My mother is too emotionally immature and thinks every problem in the world is solved by throwing money at it. She didn't know how to be a proper mother, so when I needed emotional support she wasn't there. So I grew up and learned not to need her. Simple as that. And my sisters were always too concerned with themselves & chasing sausage to remember they had a kid brother. So I learned not to need them.

I cried my eyes out for days when my friend's mother died last year, because she was more of a mother to me than my actual mother. She visited me almost every day for several months straight when I had my emotional breakdown a few years back, and she would call if she couldn't physically be there. Her passing broke me. But I wouldn't cry if I receive a call about any of my siblings or mother dying today. Because they haven't been inside my heart in a very long time, they're like strangers to me.

They are who they are, and they won't change. So I stopped thinking "what if" and moved on with my life. It also helps that they're homophobes. I suppose I miss who they never were and who they were supposed to be, but I don't miss THEM.

They have no place in my life, just like the man who conceived you has no place in yours. You got your closure years ago, you just hadn't realized it yet. Now it's the opportunity to do so.

I think there's some very good points here from Heavy Entertainment and Miss Gemini.

I do think you're having a case of wishful thinking. You want your dad to have woken up, realised he's been a complete arsehole, apologise and embrace you to the point that all is forgiven and all will be well. I doubt very much this is the reality of the situation because your dad has been this way for 61 years. He is not going to change now. You have enough evidence on this from the last 30 years.

The saying goes that you can choose your family but you can't choose your friends.

Sometimes I think familes can be like a Big Brother TV show. A large bunch of people and personalities thrown together and expected to get on perfectly. Yet they don't. Not always. People are who they are regardless whether they are your father, mother, sibling etc.

I think THE most important thing to consider here is how YOU are as a person. The two posts from Heavy Entertainment and Gemini show one more stronger, resilient personality and view point, and the other a more passive, forgiving nature and view point. Neither are wrong or better.

I don't know you but posts on here suggest you're of a more sensitive nature. I wonder whether you as a person with how you are would have the strength to deal with your dad. Not just now or meeting him but also the aftermath.

Some people are just horrible arseholes. They are nasty pieces of work. He may just want one last opportunity to bring you down because mentally disturbed people can be like this. He could get a kick out of it. I don't know why people are like this but they just are. That's life.

The other thing to look at would be what benefit would you gain from getting back in contact with your father. Look at it from a less emotional side. Is there any point to it? Any life advice or inheritance or other pearls of wisdom? I think the answer would be a no on all accounts.

My personal opinion here would be to avoid him (purely based on your personality/threads plus he's had years to be nice and never bothered) and not to take the gamble on that one last meeting. You can say your goodbye at his funeral!

This is a tough road to walk. My dad is also bi polar and goes unmedicated and was drinking heavily. Growing up was a nightmare and once I was able to leave I did. No contact. I got myself help and did my best to heal from everything.

I also wanted my father to apologize for what he did to the family, especially my mom but I finally came to understand he isn't capable. That desire to have unconditional love from dad was what hurt the most, it wasn't there. I had to learn to love myself and understand my worth before I was able to attempt another go with mine. It didn't go well, so no contact again. Others will judge saying he is your dad:parent and how dare you take care of you, but in the end, you need to.

My own father is in my life but at arms length, it's the only way I could find healthy boundaries with him. He isn't close enough to hurt me again, it works for me.

Yes he is your dad, but it is okay to keep him away and not take his calls. If you do want to rebuild something, perhaps involve a professional and you both are there, might be a more successful route.

Best of luck. 🤗