Let me ask you this

So, how do you recommend communicating with caps when upset?

From what I've read, and learned, you shouldn't tell them they've done anything wrong...

So how do you recommend letting them know, hey I really like you but this gets on my nerves or hurts me or whatever?

Everything I read is like... Just don't. Lol

Well, first of all any issues you have with your SO if they are a Cap should be tackled as a team
So avoid using -YOU do this and YOU make me feel this or YOU should stop doing such n such 🙂

Contrary to popular opinion, it isn't always going to be up to your partner to keep you happehh BUT saying that-
A Cap that loves you is a Cap that isn't happy unless you're happy too. But think partnership- not me versus them.

So just state it factually (squeaky wheel gets the grease) but in terms of what you need and not what you need them to do about it or change for you.
Because Cap's WILL make changes but you may not like it - think bandaid - ripped off- scab 😏

Telling them as it is :p ..but not making a huge fuss or being too emotionally heavy.

Just say with seriousness and ..sometimes, I'm funny about it(I cant explain how).. I realised it makes them comfortable.

You shouldn't act like the world is ending with your emotions..it will only make them want to avoid you more in such situations. Simplicity is much preferred. They will also be simple about it... They'll slap on your butt and hug you and may even say sorry lol.

It shouldn't feel like you are blaming them too...they will cry on the inside and will become a rock :p

Posted by wagtail
Well, first of all any issues you have with your SO if they are a Cap should be tackled as a team
So avoid using -YOU do this and YOU make me feel this or YOU should stop doing such n such 🙂

Contrary to popular opinion, it isn't always going to be up to your partner to keep you happehh BUT saying that-
A Cap that loves you is a Cap that isn't happy unless you're happy too. But think partnership- not me versus them.

So just state it factually (squeaky wheel gets the grease) but in terms of what you need and not what you need them to do about it or change for you.
Because Cap's WILL make changes but you may not like it - think bandaid - ripped off- scab 😏

Yep, yep...I like this.

Totally should have went about it in a "we" way. I was mainly trying to be subtle then finally was like, "yeah so I almost broke up with someone else over this" cancers, we try to get that little pinch on you sometimes. Lol then he just decided he was really gonna test me on that.

He's lingering back my way though.. So I wanna have a game plan. I don't want to repeat the past.. Because before we went south, I think we were making a pretty good little team. Lol

Posted by RumiL
Telling them as it is :p ..but not making a huge fuss or being too emotionally heavy.

Just say with seriousness and ..sometimes, I'm funny about it(I cant explain how).. I realised it makes them comfortable.

You shouldn't act like the world is ending with your emotions..it will only make them want to avoid you more in such situations. Simplicity is much preferred. They will also be simple about it... They'll slap on your butt and hug you and may even say sorry lol.

It shouldn't feel like you are blaming them too...they will cry on the inside and will become a rock :p

Okay.. I can do that. Lol I think I need to get a thicker skin too. The first time it just took me back, completely surprised me how this sweet, romantic, softie, took such a sharp, dark demeanor with me. Totally unexpected. Then I went to emotionally unstable city. Lol

I really just thought the convo would go like this based on his caring nature.

"Hey babe, this bothers me."
"Oh wow, that wasn't my intention. I'll stop"

Lol nope!

Posted by Foreverloveme
Please DON'T:
1. Be judgemental
2. Be critical
3. Give ultimatums

I prefer when people are direct yet gentle 🙂
I don't like being told what to do. I am however open to suggestions. I don't really like having to explain myself either.

So if I'm not calling you enough I'd recommend: "I really miss hearing your voice everyday" or "I like when we talk everyday, it makes me feel more connected"

If I'm slipping on my household duties: "I'm feeling overwhelmed by everything, it would be great if you can help by [insert solution here] do dishes alternating days, change the trash if it's full, drop the kids off and I'll pick them up"

Use positive words rather than pointing out what I'm doing wrong because then I'll feel like a failure or that whatever I do will never be enough.

As previously mentioned team mindset is important, also think in terms of what solution you would like to see because if you tell me your problem i could try to fix it & you still might not be satisfied...like in the 1st example of communication, if you say "you don't call me everyday" then I would probably call & hang up before you answer just to say I call everyday › then the problem still isn't resolved lol

Interesting.. Interesting lol and yeah, I totally could see him doing that. Lol once I told him I was gonna give him some space because I felt like that's what he wanted but didn't want to hurt me, he just didn't respond, like no "yeah, I gotta lot to process," just nothing lol so of course I freaked out, sent him like a bunch of messages, and then showed up at work, he came up to me like we were fine, I was like "are you really gonna act like you didn't just ignore me for 3 days" and he was all "it's not my fault you can't follow your own rules" lol (this is the week before the breakup)

But I like that approach. I never expected us to become anything.. I don't know if this will make sense, but I had been hurt so much by others that I just never told him when I liked things. I always would tell him thank you for things, like helping me carry my groceries or squeezing in a bit of time for me when he's got so much going on.. But I like the way you did it, like "I like when you call, makes me feel connected with you"

However.. I'm also bad with compliments lol I feel like they never sound sincere. And I giggle a lot. Lol

I agree.

I don't know if you're referring to the whole situation with me lol but... I do agree. I think IF we mutually decide we could try again.. (I'm excited for a chance but also skeptical) We have to move forward and not look back. Fix it and move forward.

I think this helps so much because I know it might come up about our epic fights towards the end. And before having this conversation.. I totally wanted to place blame. There's lots of things I want answers to.. But part of me thinks if we choose to get back together... I gotta just let it go and have a fresh start for both of us. And just be better.

But I'm really not trying to rush it. He really needs to process his whole situation.. And I gotta give him space to do so... It might not even be a thing! I just want to be prepared. And this advice could help me with other future relationships.. Either way.

I need some hobbies. Lol

And compliments are like.. I'm always just so wrapped up in the moment when we're together that I have no thoughts. Lol I'm just like yay.. Your face is in my face and yay I'm happy lol and then he compliments me and I'm like... Oh yeah! I guess I should tell you how I'm feeling lol then I'm like "I feel the same towards you" I end up being a parrot. Lol

Very true. My cap takes critic very personal and easily feels offended when I start phrases with ”žyou“. I had to learn to adjust it and use words like “we” or “I” more often.

Instead of saying “what you did was just messed up” or “why didn’t you bring out the trash” I try and say something like “baby didn’t we agree that you bring out the trash every Tuesday and Friday? Just don’t forget it next time ok” or “listen, I feel kinda hurt/sad because of what you said”

It’s very true what another user said here – they aren’t happy if you aren’t happy if they really love you. The happiness of the cap’s spouse is very important to them, show them that you appreciate their constant effort to make you happy. Even if you’re not that happy in a specific moment, show them that you appreciate their effort to make things right after they did something wrong.

But I also have to say that my cap loves that I stand my ground and call out whatever bothers me and needs to be fixed. I don’t just say “this and this is wrong” I always (!) follow up with a suggestion how I want it to be.

Caps need direction in some way. It’s not good to only put blame, you need to show a direction he can follow to make it right. Then he’ll do so as best as he can. That’s what I really love about my cap.

Take responsibility for whatever part you had in the disagreement/problem.

"I try and say something like “baby didn’t we agree that you bring out the trash every Tuesday and Friday? Just don’t forget it next time ok”

I'm surprised this works for you. I guess it depends on the voice you use, because the "just don't forget next time ok" would irk my soul.

Posted by lnana04
"I try and say something like “baby didn’t we agree that you bring out the trash every Tuesday and Friday? Just don’t forget it next time ok”

I'm surprised this works for you. I guess it depends on the voice you use, because the "just don't forget next time ok" would irk my soul.

yeh I know what you mean. I say it in a very kind tone. I just want to make sure that he knows that there's a next time to do it "better"

LoL

Posted by lnana04
"I try and say something like “baby didn’t we agree that you bring out the trash every Tuesday and Friday? Just don’t forget it next time ok”

I'm surprised this works for you. I guess it depends on the voice you use, because the "just don't forget next time ok" would irk my soul.

If you said it wearing lingerie, I bet it'd work!! 😉 lol!!!

Posted by Smilebhappy0715
So, how do you recommend communicating with caps when upset?

From what I've read, and learned, you shouldn't tell them they've done anything wrong...

So how do you recommend letting them know, hey I really like you but this gets on my nerves or hurts me or whatever?

Everything I read is like... Just don't. Lol

I communicate with my Cap all the time on negative things. Here's what I have learned, maybe it will help you.

- make it humourous.
- be consistent.
- be logical
- perform the behaviour you want him to do and point it out.
- don't go on and on about it. They get the point quickly!
- be respectful but firm.

Posted by SunMoonStars

Posted by Smilebhappy0715
So, how do you recommend communicating with caps when upset?

From what I've read, and learned, you shouldn't tell them they've done anything wrong...

So how do you recommend letting them know, hey I really like you but this gets on my nerves or hurts me or whatever?

Everything I read is like... Just don't. Lol

I communicate with my Cap all the time on negative things. Here's what I have learned, maybe it will help you.

- make it humourous.
- be consistent.
- be logical
- perform the behaviour you want him to do and point it out.
- don't go on and on about it. They get the point quickly!
- be respectful but firm.

click to expand

Thank you! All of these are great! If we give it another go... I'll definitely keep these in mind! 🙂

Hmm. Seems I can just quote people to get my point through.

"think partnership- not me versus them." Wagtail

"Simplicity is much preferred." RumiL

"Please DON'T: Give ultimatums" Foreverloveme
There were other good points, but this one stood out as the one that, if not followed, may end in an instant goodbye.

"only compliment if it's sincere" Foreverloveme

"Take responsibility for whatever part you had in the disagreement/problem." truecap
Good one!

*"I try and say something like “baby didn’t we agree that you bring out the trash every Tuesday and Friday? Just don’t forget it next time ok”

I'm surprised this works for you. the "just don't forget next time ok" would irk my soul."*
Yes! This! (edited to fit my purposes) "just don't forget next time ok" sounds really condescending(however kindly it is put) - don't go there. I'm not your child.

"From what I've read, and learned, you shouldn't tell them they've done anything wrong... "
Nonono. If you feel I have done something wrong(unless it really petty), I want to know. It may not feel good in the moment, but I definitely want to know.

"make it humourous."
Nonono! Do not do that. There's a time and a place for everything and if you want to come across like you actually mean what you say, do not follow this advice. It may feel like it worked in the moment, but nothing would really be accomplished.

Imo.

Posted by HappyCapper
Hmm. Seems I can just quote people to get my point through.

"think partnership- not me versus them." Wagtail

"Simplicity is much preferred." RumiL

"Please DON'T: Give ultimatums" Foreverloveme
There were other good points, but this one stood out as the one that, if not followed, may end in an instant goodbye.

"only compliment if it's sincere" Foreverloveme

"Take responsibility for whatever part you had in the disagreement/problem." truecap
Good one!

*"I try and say something like “baby didn’t we agree that you bring out the trash every Tuesday and Friday? Just don’t forget it next time ok”

I'm surprised this works for you. the "just don't forget next time ok" would irk my soul."*
Yes! This! (edited to fit my purposes) "just don't forget next time ok" sounds really condescending(however kindly it is put) - don't go there. I'm not your child.

"From what I've read, and learned, you shouldn't tell them they've done anything wrong... "
Nonono. If you feel I have done something wrong(unless it really petty), I want to know. It may not feel good in the moment, but I definitely want to know.

"make it humourous."
Nonono! Do not do that. There's a time and a place for everything and if you want to come across like you actually mean what you say, do not follow this advice. It may feel like it worked in the moment, but nothing would really be accomplished.

Imo.

Thank you so much! I like how you did a "greatest hits" from this thread! I think the "don't forget next time" is interesting. Totally not something I'd say but if someone said it to me.. I wouldn't think much of it. Lol but I'm glad we had this talk so I'll never say it to a Cap! Lol

Thank you for taking the time to respond 🙂

Posted by Smilebhappy0715

Posted by HappyCapper
Hmm. Seems I can just quote people to get my point through.

"think partnership- not me versus them." Wagtail

"Simplicity is much preferred." RumiL

"Please DON'T: Give ultimatums" Foreverloveme
There were other good points, but this one stood out as the one that, if not followed, may end in an instant goodbye.

"only compliment if it's sincere" Foreverloveme

"Take responsibility for whatever part you had in the disagreement/problem." truecap
Good one!

*"I try and say something like “baby didn’t we agree that you bring out the trash every Tuesday and Friday? Just don’t forget it next time ok”

I'm surprised this works for you. the "just don't forget next time ok" would irk my soul."*
Yes! This! (edited to fit my purposes) "just don't forget next time ok" sounds really condescending(however kindly it is put) - don't go there. I'm not your child.

"From what I've read, and learned, you shouldn't tell them they've done anything wrong... "
Nonono. If you feel I have done something wrong(unless it really petty), I want to know. It may not feel good in the moment, but I definitely want to know.

"make it humourous."
Nonono! Do not do that. There's a time and a place for everything and if you want to come across like you actually mean what you say, do not follow this advice. It may feel like it worked in the moment, but nothing would really be accomplished.

Imo.

Thank you so much! I like how you did a "greatest hits" from this thread! I think the "don't forget next time" is interesting. Totally not something I'd say but if someone said it to me.. I wouldn't think much of it. Lol but I'm glad we had this talk so I'll never say it to a Cap! Lol

Thank you for taking the time to respond 🙂

click to expand

Hehehe Well, if you already told me something bothers you about my behaviour, I kind of get that you don't want me to do it again - it's implied. Don't like to be treated like I'm stupid.🙂