How do you get someone to respect your boundaries?

Someone who obviously neither gets subtle signs or even listen to you when you tell them bluntly how they are crossing your boundaries or how their ways make you feel uncomfortable.

Problem is really with my father and brother, but it could be something I'm doing wrong.... so let me hear your opinions please

Thanks x

Posted by zandomenica

i ghost them

yeh so far this is working.. until they snap at you for ghosting them lol

By being assertive and telling it as it is

Posted by alexscaries

Posted by MyStarsShine

By being assertive and telling it as it is

If TxOgal is anything like me, being assertive isn't our strong point we have to be forced into it.

click to expand

Yes it can be difficult for some

I just need people to respect my space and my privacy. Those are my boundaries. I can't be assertive and blunt about it without getting highly upset and cussing people out like a madman. I done went that route before and I literally felt like jacking em up toss them around from pillar to post and swing a blow or two at em. And I can't ghost cus it's my space they invading. So I don't know. I don't think you can get people to respect your boundaries. And your own family is the worse at disrespecting boundaries.

Ez. Ignore them. They’ll get the memo whether they admit or not.

Posted by TxOgal

Posted by zandomenica

i ghost them

yeh so far this is working.. until they snap at you for ghosting them lol

click to expand

I’d respond I wouldn’t have to if you respected my boundaries

Learn them on a deeper level, and somewhat rewire their brain to understand you are your own thing, and they will respect that. Assuming you don't betray them in any way. I find it much easier to not be agressive or combative with people. Just feel them on a deep emotional level, and somewhat manipulate that in a way you aren't hurting them, but also they understand you are you, and they should ever mess with that. If they do there should be sudden yet secretive emotional triggers you perform on their minds. In a way they can't really notice or prove what you are doing, but essentially you are training them to respect you on a subconscious level.

That or you could just tell them to fuck off and block them out of your life. It tends to work well, without needing all the mind games.

Posted by TxOgal

Someone who obviously neither gets subtle signs or even listen to you when you tell them bluntly how they are crossing your boundaries or how their ways make you feel uncomfortable.

Problem is really with my father and brother, but it could be something I'm doing wrong.... so let me hear your opinions please

Thanks x

Are we the same person? My father and brother are driving me mad. I stop answering their calls, stop visits and don't answer the door when they show up. I get back to them when I'm ready. They are starting to get the message. Sometimes you have to use a hard line to keep boundaries.

Posted by MyStarsShine

By being assertive and telling it as it is

I've done this until I'm blue in the face. So now I take hard actions to make sure they get the message. They are getting it.

i grew up with a strict, authoritarian father (not entirely his fault since he too had a similar upbringing) so i try to be understanding now that i’m an adult and can better understand why people act the way they do.

ignoring, ghosting or not answering calls might do more harm than good in some cases (the only time you might consider ghosting a family member is when they have done something utterly horrific and unforgivable to you or if they’re threatening your life in some way....?other than that I don’t know if ghosting is justified....?)

if your dad is anything like my dad, he might call the people around you to find out information on you. my dad has called my partner many times to get information on me ( i wasn’t ignoring his calls but i was busy with work and simply wasn’t available, i always try to call back when i can though)

i think the best way is to just have a heart to heart conversation without raising voices, without using accusatory tones, if this can’t be done over the phone ‘cause it’ll get too heated, then consider writing a calm letter or text to that person.

calmly try to express how their actions made you feel but try not to sound accusatory because they will immediately become defensive and shut down.

saying something like:

“I know you may have had your reasons for doing xyz, but I felt__________.”

sounds better than “you ruined my life”

also i’m not sure if you’ve ever heard of the sandwich technique but this helps to disarm people who may get defensive.

for example, you may say to a nosy, overbearing person:

“i truly appreciate you always taking an interest in my life and making sure i’m okay, but in order for me to build my self-confidence, i need to start being in the driver’s seat of my own life and i know that you wish nothing but the best for me and want to see me thrive, and i want to make you proud as well. so it’d be great if you could kindly support me while i make this happen. i will always appreciate you.”

this is a cheesy ass example 😂 but you get the idea

You be assertive by realizing the problem won’t go away unless you approach it. I personally have no problem being assertive but then again I’m hyper reactive so I don’t let stuff go on however if the problem is avoidable then I suggest you move on.

An example is how they cuss infront me (it is never even necessary) and they even do it infront of our guests. First it was only my father doing this, now it's both of them, father and brother. It disgusts me and they both know how this is unacceptable, however over time they do it and are not even apologetic about it anymore (even claiming they had a bad temper which isn't true). By the way they both know how I don't accept it and I'd make a big deal out of it cause it is really humiliating for others and it makes me feel embarrassed for living with such uncivilized men.

Problem is I can't even stand being with them in the same place or in any gathering, be it with friends, family, employees from the family business or even strangers. Cause they just seem to not have any control over their tongue. (however I'm sure that they are able to control it whenever they like. They just refuse to do that while I'm around. As if it doesn't matter anymore)

Posted by ImperfectStorm

Can you give examples of what they’re doing? Is it something that they’re saying or doing?

I agree it’s more difficult when it’s family. The best I can suggest is firm repetition and reinforcing those boundaries. Without hearing an example of what type of boundary they’re crossing it’s difficult to say how I would handle it.