sharing beds with the opposite sex

My girlfriend and I had an argument about whether or not it is okay to share beds with people of the opposite sex. The context is that she has an old friend who had feelings for her in the past coming to visit her while I'm on a trip out of town. He'll be staying at her place, in her bed.

She thinks that I'm controlling because I should trust her enough to know she won't fuck him. My issue is that I'm not okay with it even if they don't have sex. I view it as disrespectful. She says its disrespectful for me to be controlling.

Please tell me your opinion, and tell me your moon sign and also the country you're from- she thinks that it's a cultural thing that explains why I think this is standard relationship boundaries and she doesn't view it as that.

Posted by antonlapray
My girlfriend and I had an argument about whether or not it is okay to share beds with people of the opposite sex. The context is that she has an old friend who had feelings for her in the past coming to visit her while I'm on a trip out of town. He'll be staying at her place, in her bed.

She thinks that I'm controlling because I should trust her enough to know she won't fuck him. My issue is that I'm not okay with it even if they don't have sex. I view it as disrespectful. She says its disrespectful for me to be controlling.

Please tell me your opinion, and tell me your moon sign and also the country you're from- she thinks that it's a cultural thing that explains why I think this is standard relationship boundaries and she doesn't view it as that.

Nope. I wouldn't feel comfortable with that either.

I'm from California, and I have a Leo Moon.

She has no respect at all, I'd dump her.azz out into the street for that. They can sleep in the dumpster.

Trash!

Sorry, no disrespect, but I wouldn't put up with that AT ALL!!

this is very important people; please share your moons. she thinks its because i have a fixed moon, that *I* am the extremist here.

Posted by FirstDecanTaurianWomen0428
Move over here ,@blackphase. Lol

@Op- I am old school but I would not be okay with it only if both parties was comfortable like this and it is seems one is or isn't. So it's all about trust really.

Which culture are you talking about?

I don't think it's okay if they share a bed, and it's strange that she doesn't see that. I'm a Gemini moon (thus mutable) and Canadian.

If she was giving her friend her bed and she was sleeping somewhere else, that would be different. When I was a kid and teenager and I had a sleepover, I would give my guest my bed and I'd sleep on the floor on camping stuff because I wanted my guest to be as comfortable as possible.

Taurus Moon. Nope not ok.

"this is standard relationship boundaries"

I agree.

she is not right. and losing you. or your respect at least.

I have moon in Pisces and am living in west Europe.

I think they can find another place for him. This is how I solve such problems. I find some of my friends to keep him overnight. Or I pay for a room for him.

She sounds like that little gnat trolling our board with messed up views on astrology.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

hmmm

I'll have her read all this. I think she gets where I'm coming from, but... she kept saying it's because my moon is a fixed sign. Like... she understands, but she really doesn't get it. I told her that if I asked on a forum, everyone would side with me. She said that only people who are similarly fixed. I appreciate the mutables backing me up.

FTR I have a mutable sun; strongest energy is mutable. So I thought it was bullshit anyway.

The other thing is... she really doesn't get it...

If it was someone who was a guy, who she didn't have a past emotional connect with? Would that still be inappropriate?

I told her... I don't care if she shares a room; like at a hotel on a trip with friends, with other guys. But I think sharing a bed with any guys is just... unfair. Even if she says its just someone she's friends with. Even if I TRUST that nothing will happen (although yes- accidents happen).

Opinions? If it's just a friend?

Posted by Greentea
She has no respect at all, I'd dump her.azz out into the street for that. They can sleep in the dumpster.

Trash!

Sorry, no disrespect, but I wouldn't put up with that AT ALL!!

Posted by sagiluv
Spooning leads to forking œ

Invite a hot girl friend over and just spoon on the couch in front of her. Tell her it's no big deal. She's like a sister.... in Appalachia.

Posted by dominoes
She is very inapproiate.

Set your foot down. No one should tolerate that.

Posted by DwellingOnMove

Posted by Greentea
She has no respect at all, I'd dump her.azz out into the street for that. They can sleep in the dumpster.

Trash!

Sorry, no disrespect, but I wouldn't put up with that AT ALL!!

he also asked about moon sign and the cultural background.

click to expand

Libra moon, and I'm an American.

Posted by OceanBoy88
Ask her the same question. If she says it's OK for you, then you find a way to lay in bed with an old female friend.

She said it wouldn't phase her. Which actually... hurt also.

Posted by dominoes

Posted by DwellingOnMove

Posted by dominoes
She is very inapproiate.

Set your foot down. No one should tolerate that.

OP also asked about moon sign and the cultural background.

"Cultural background" is no longer an excuse. Some pakistanian cults rape children. You still think it's acceptable?

click to expand

Posted by dominoes
But hey, it's just culture.

she is attacking his background culture. and he tries to show this rule is global and has nothing to do with the background.

Posted by DwellingOnMove

Posted by dominoes
But hey, it's just culture.

you don't get it.

she is attacking his background culture. and he tries to show this rule is global and has nothing to do with the background.

click to expand

thanks 🙂

Posted by antonlapray

Posted by OceanBoy88
Ask her the same question. If she says it's OK for you, then you find a way to lay in bed with an old female friend.

She said it wouldn't phase her. Which actually... hurt also.

click to expand

it can go to any direction. complicating the imagination about who is currently doing what and where and why.
or in simple cases: an open relationship.

apparently she prefers the complication.

No way that's ok. Totally inappropriate and disrespectful. Even if she thinks it's ok because of cultural or whatever reason, you aren't ok with it and that's all that should matter.

Virgo moon, US born

then later people complain why they got used.

I mean if you stay with her for convenience
and
wait until you find another girl with "appropriate behavior based on usual standards", would she be happy?

Or is she that pragmatic? (oh God, I better quit now. I'm even thinking of worse variants)

Of course its wrong, Anton laPray.

Hell of a name you picked, there.

😈

Pisces Moon Americana ♡

No it's disgusting of her. It is disrespectful of her. She is not someone you should be in a relationship with.

And @sadpopcorn is right about the Asian man.

Aries moon. Persian.

Posted by Finbuff
My guess is either Aries sun/moon, or Scorpio moon. Suspense is killing me.

if trying to keep all freedom of the old days: Gem, Pisces, Aqua.

Posted by K_1018
... If her concern is hospitality, she can give up her bed and sleep on the couch.

Aries moon, so cal.

What's your moon OP?

I'm with finbuff on Aries Moon too.

Posted by Damnata
What's your moon OP?

I'm with finbuff on Aries Moon too.

I'm a scorpio moon, and yes she has an aries moon.

Posted by cheekyfaerie

Posted by DwellingOnMove

Posted by Finbuff
My guess is either Aries sun/moon, or Scorpio moon. Suspense is killing me.

if complicating: Scorpio or Virgo

if trying to keep all freedom of the old days: Gem, Pisces, Aqua.

I'm a few of those things and I can see her being all, "what, you don't trust me!?". But that's ego. This is common sense.

click to expand

That's what I told her. It shouldn't be about if I trust her. It's ego for her to want to push the limits of trust.

Posted by blackphase

Posted by antonlapray

Posted by Damnata
What's your moon OP?

I'm with finbuff on Aries Moon too.

I'm a scorpio moon, and yes she has an aries moon.

Knew you were!

click to expand

But... it's not my moon, is it?

I think it is not a matter of trust.

Partners are to destress each other. Imagine you have to give explanations to 3rd party. This is stress.

Modern women are exagerating in the sense of freedom we've got in the past decades. We are still our lover's friends and should be nice to them as long as they are nice to us.

" like in OUR bed? OUR intimacy, our treetrunking BED?!"

yes. that is stressing.

Posted by antonlapray

Posted by Damnata
What's your moon OP?

I'm with finbuff on Aries Moon too.

I'm a scorpio moon, and yes she has an aries moon.

click to expand

lmao. yeah, i can't get into explaining the dynamics with those moons. they are both super egotistical in what values they uphold so...i think this will be an impasse for you guys.

not trying to be the bearer of bad news here. it's pretty much you bend or you make her bend.

i could argue her attitude and try to gauge it through my moon but from my experience with scorpio moons, i don't convey it right and they don't trust it when it comes to morals/ethics/values.

now Aries and Scorp are both ruled by Mars. They enjoy the fight for the sake of comfort sex after that. nop?

but sometimes a person has lived alone for a long time

and hast lost the sense of hard compromises you have to make when in a serious relationship.

or maybe they are right at the beginning of everything and she does not feel it yet.

I donno. just an idea.

He sounds like the back up plan. Not saying she would cheat but she would have someone to talk to if things went south but it probably wouldn't go any further. I have a Virgo friend, and cousin who string guys along like this and then try to manipulate their way out of the situation. Not saying it is what they all do I know just noticed it with them.

I say it depends honestly. I have cuddle with my Scorpio male friend he is totally straight and has absolutely no feelings for me we went out Halloween for his birthday and just got really drunk and started talking about past relationships we laid in the same bed and absolutely nothing happened. So I think it can be platonic, but as far as being in a relationship I would never do that for fear of upsetting my partner. Hell I wont even do that if I really like someone because if we have made it to the point of discussing what I am doing that night and I have to tell you I'm spending the night over a guy friend's house it doesn't look very good on my end.

I'm curious about the "You're controlling" comment she made. Aries Moons are...naive with this so for her to say that it would have to be displayed on more than one occasion....for her mindset to settle to "My partner is actually controlling". It's not an accusation we throw lightly. And no offense but there is a heavy hand to Scorpio Moon energy.

If she said that based off this event alone and you guys couldn't talk it over where she refused to listen.....then that shows poor comunication between you two at best and her being a douchebag at worst. Not good.

Oh and I have Cancer moon, Sag Venus I am from the US

Asian-American. Sag moon.

I think whether it's "standard relationship boundaries" or not is irrelevant because those can vary. However, the fact that you've voiced your discomfort is reason enough for her to prioritize your feelings/relationship and be more understanding of your stance, especially given their backstory. This should have been a non-issue.

For what it's worth, I consider sleeping next to someone in a bed a fairly intimate thing. If it's an issue of courtesy, I would much rather give him the bed and sleep on the floor.

Posted by Damnata

Posted by antonlapray

Posted by Damnata
What's your moon OP?

I'm with finbuff on Aries Moon too.

I'm a scorpio moon, and yes she has an aries moon.

lmao. yeah, i can't get into explaining the dynamics with those moons. they are both super egotistical in what values they uphold so...i think this will be an impasse for you guys.

not trying to be the bearer of bad news here. it's pretty much you bend or you make her bend.

i could argue her attitude and try to gauge it through my moon but from my experience with scorpio moons, i don't convey it right and they don't trust it when it comes to morals/ethics/values.

click to expand

I don't see how I'm being egotistical here.

Posted by narayana
I know you can't read her mind, but is she sexually attracted to him? Did she have feelings as well?

Are there no other beds/sofas/whatever to sleep on?

The whole thing doesn't sound right for sure. But if I put myself in her place, for instance, I have guy friends who have claimed to like me more than a friend, but I have absolutely no attraction to them. I can imagine sharing a bed as long as it doesn't involve anything intimate. Otherwise it would gross me out and I'd just kick them, but I know they wouldn't push me to do anything. And let's imagine there's only one bed in my apartment.

If that's the case, then I wouldn't be so stressed.
Just think about it that way. I mean, you can sense the danger, at least I could.

But I understand your point and if you feel like there's something fishy, tell her you're not willing to compromise on this.

Capricorn moon, Baltic states

pretty

Posted by OceanBoy88

Posted by 2Moon
OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD. IM RAGIIiiing.
where to start? dude! this is not even about astrology.

are they going to sleep in the same fucking bed?
I kill that nicca first and that bit** after. im not playing.... lol...
and im sorry man... trying to control myself to not disrespect your girlfriend. :S

I think she is crazy and very disrespectful. im imagining myself in your position. like in OUR bed? OUR intimacy, our fucking BED?!

I wont even let that nicca enter in the house if I am not there. I dont know that dude. who is he? i dont trust him.
imagine all the things that he could do without the "okay" of your girlfriend. scary. you cant be there to protect her

and then, she thinks that YOU are controlling?!? WHAT?! are you fucking kidding me?

Im going to repeat myself: i think she is crazy. I think you should find a new girlfriend. im sorry...
you deserve better brotha. i dont even understand how you 2 are together...

Scorpio Moon, yes! lol
and Canada, Ontario.

God I couldn't have said it better. Thank you for rationalizing my brain!

click to expand

What did i say about the bebe oil ?

Posted by 2Moon

Posted by antonlapray
My girlfriend and I had an argument about whether or not it is okay to share beds with people of the opposite sex. The context is that she has an old friend who had feelings for her in the past coming to visit her while I'm on a trip out of town. He'll be staying at her place, in her bed.

She thinks that I'm controlling because I should trust her enough to know she won't fuck him. My issue is that I'm not okay with it even if they don't have sex. I view it as disrespectful. She says its disrespectful for me to be controlling.

Please tell me your opinion, and tell me your moon sign and also the country you're from- she thinks that it's a cultural thing that explains why I think this is standard relationship boundaries and she doesn't view it as that.

OP.

Please do me a favor. show her this thread...
make her read all the comments
🙂

click to expand

She's seen it. She thinks everyone is wrong and it's sad. She thinks you guys can't give an opinion that is truly relevant, because you guys don't know our dynamics and are jumping to conclusions about her behavior.

She is... unique. She is a bit of a manic pixie dream girl. She thinks I should understand that; and I do. But she doesn't get that it's not about her and who/how she is. Somethings are disrespectful, no matter who the specific people involved are. To her? I just "don't get her."

To me? She just "doesn't get this."

Posted by Fleshpot
Asian-American. Sag moon.

I think whether it's "standard relationship boundaries" or not is irrelevant because those can vary. However, the fact that you've voiced your discomfort is reason enough for her to prioritize your feelings/relationship and be more understanding of your stance, especially given their backstory. This should have been a non-issue.

...

This is a good one.
Supposed there is nothing like a globally valid "standard", then what the partner says about his needs and feelings could be a good guide. For individual approaches.

Posted by Damnata
I'm curious about the "You're controlling" comment she made. Aries Moons are...naive with this so for her to say that it would have to be displayed on more than one occasion....for her mindset to settle to "My partner is actually controlling". It's not an accusation we throw lightly. And no offense but there is a heavy hand to Scorpio Moon energy.

If she said that based off this event alone and you guys couldn't talk it over where she refused to listen.....then that shows poor comunication between you two at best and her being a douchebag at worst. Not good.

I get it, that maybe I come across as controlling on other issues. I don't, at all, and she doesn't think that.

But what I'm really interested in is discussing the idea within a bubble. So forget me and her, and just... in general. For ANY couple. Is it standard behavior or not to sleep with other people?

Posted by narayana
I know you can't read her mind, but is she sexually attracted to him? Did she have feelings as well?

Are there no other beds/sofas/whatever to sleep on?

The whole thing doesn't sound right for sure. But if I put myself in her place, for instance, I have guy friends who have claimed to like me more than a friend, but I have absolutely no attraction to them. I can imagine sharing a bed as long as it doesn't involve anything intimate. Otherwise it would gross me out and I'd just kick them, but I know they wouldn't push me to do anything. And let's imagine there's only one bed in my apartment.

If that's the case, then I wouldn't be so stressed.
Just think about it that way. I mean, you can sense the danger, at least I could.

But I understand your point and if you feel like there's something fishy, tell her you're not willing to compromise on this.

Capricorn moon, Baltic states

Nah, I don't think she's into him. But see, that's just it... I don't think that matters. To me... sharing a bed with someone is intimate. I feel as though her sharing the bed with another guy is trespassing on intimacy; forget about anything beyond that. Just sharing the bed is... insulting to me. It's not even about trust.

Posted by antonlapray
My girlfriend and I had an argument about whether or not it is okay to share beds with people of the opposite sex. The context is that she has an old friend who had feelings for her in the past coming to visit her while I'm on a trip out of town. He'll be staying at her place, in her bed.

She thinks that I'm controlling because I should trust her enough to know she won't fuck him. My issue is that I'm not okay with it even if they don't have sex. I view it as disrespectful. She says its disrespectful for me to be controlling.

Please tell me your opinion, and tell me your moon sign and also the country you're from- she thinks that it's a cultural thing that explains why I think this is standard relationship boundaries and she doesn't view it as that.

She wants to fuck him

Bottom line is it bothers you...she should respect that, if nothing else. You are not being unreasonable in it bothering you.

If something bothers someone's partner and they don't care then she is not respecting you, and your feelings. That is more important than what the act is.

I'm a Pisces Sun and Moon. Tell her this mutable fish disagrees with her on two counts, your objection being reasonable, and her not respecting your feelings as being a significant issue.

Good luck.

Posted by DwellingOnMove
"She thinks you guys can't give an opinion that is truly relevant, because you guys don't know our dynamics and are jumping to conclusions about her behavior."

I think theoretically she is right. And I know how on dxp we are hollier than holly. But I'm also wonderinf if it is a big expense for her to give up on her initial idea? At the end of the day trade-offs are nothing new in life.

Interesting, thank you for being objective.