Dating an older man

Hi all,

I'm new here and came for some advice from the older wiser folks, so pls be kind, thank you 🙂

I don’t know how much detail I need to include here. I’m just going to provide the gist of it. If anyone needs more deets, feel free to ask.

Basically, I met a much older man towards the end of last summer. He is 32 and I’m 19. I’m aware that that should be a red flag in itself. But this man has presented himself as a perfect (well almost, no one’s perfect) gentleman. He courted me slowly and gently, being full aware of my age and never once took advantage of me. I know that’s hard to believe, but we’ve not had sex. I’m still a virgin. He told me he's willing to wait until I'm good and ready.

It’s now been 6 months of courtship/dating. We see each other almost every weekend. He’ll drive up to my university which is about 2 hours away from where he lives every other weekend. I’ll spend the weekend in the city where he is on alternate weekends. He has met my parents and siblings (including both elder brothers who are much bigger than him!). He has gained the respect and trust of my family, and I’m becoming more and more trusting of him.

The issue is (and of course there has to be one, otherwise why am I here eh?), he’s now been hinting that it’s time to take the relationship to the next level, i.e. sex. I’m still unsure if I’m ready for that. That I’m writing this here probably says that I’m not ready. I mean I want to please him, make him happy, and have a proper relationship with him. I’ve been thinking loads about my first time and what it’s going to be like. He’s much older, more experienced, and very gentle with me, I’m sure he’ll take good care of me, right? So why am I nervous about this?

Any feedback, advice, sharing your experience of the first time or having a much older boyfriend/girlfriend, most welcome, thanks 🙂

Thank you Little Star. Yes I agree, telling him straight up that I'm not ready yet and that it should be on my terms would be wise. But would that run him off? I mean, I know I've said he's a gentleman and very respectful and all that. But I guess deep down, I do wonder if it's the thrill of the chase and bedding a teenager that's turning him on. Ugh I'm sorry I'm even thinking it. That probably says I don't really trust him, doesn't it?

And yes the 13 age gap, if I'm 25 and he's 38 would not be such a big deal.

It's 4.30 am, and I should be asleep. I can't because I'm overthinking this and I'm going to meet him tomorrow. We're celebrating our 6-month anniversary, yay 🙂

I know he's arranged a special trip for us. He might be expecting something special at the end of the night. Oh dear...

hey baby

Posted by exxtasyx
I mean, it's been 6 months... He is definitely a gentleman for waiting that long. I don't know many men (or any men) who were sexually active at one point and would refrain from any sexual activity and wait 6 months on a girl. But if you're not ready, then you're not ready, there's nothing you can do about it. You can't force yourself to be ready. Just be straight forward and honest with him, and if he sticks around then cool, if he doesn't then he's not the one for you. But know that not many men at all would have waited this long to begin with.

Maybe if you're comfortable with other things other then actual sex... You should try that.

Thank you exxtasyx.

Yes, I kind of have to be prepared that when I decline tomorrow, he might grow impatient with me and decide to break things off. You're right, if he does that, then he's not the right man for me.

Posted by HouseCleaning
hey baby

Are you really 46? It's the internet. People lie on here all the time. If true, then ew.

😄

Posted by It

Posted by HouseCleaning
hey baby

Are you really 46? It's the internet. People lie on here all the time. If true, then ew.

😄

click to expand

people these days, no respect for their elders

haha! 😄

Thanks for the laughs HouseCleaning, much needed and appreciated!

Oh by the way, we do do other things, other than actual sex. He's taught me a lot 😉

I remember with a boy I dated back in school, there was just a whole lot of fumbling around not knowing what to do.

I just hope my bf doesn't mind waiting a few more weeks? months? before we do the actual deed. Maybe I can muster up enough courage when I feel closer to 20.

ewww!

Sorry OP, had to hide that because I've let my own personal experiences cloud my judgement.

my dad's sisters husband is 16years younger than her,so i think age doesn't mater,its about how do you handle the options of others,if you rly love him,you shouldn't care,but you should def consider everything when you get into relationship like this,because it will def be harder

Hi It (Stephen King fan?)

I've been in your situation before. I was 19 and he was 28. Not quite the age gap you have but still at the time my friends all made a big deal out of it. I too was in university when we met. He was a very experienced, well-travelled rock musician. Hence why my friends were worried. I myself was rather apprehensive about him and the situation but he was truly one of the sweetest, caring men I've ever met. He was more respectful of me and treated me better than the guys my age back then.

Since you say he's met your parents, I'm sure it would be stupid of him to break your and their trust now. I would be absolutely upfront about not being ready. If he's serious about you, he will understand and, as some posters above have mentioned, will respect your wishes. If he doesn't, well then you know what type of man he really is.

My advice is to stick to your guns. Do not do anything you're not ready and willing to. You may feel pressure to please him (and even yourself) but you should not let that decide for you. Make sure whatever happens this evening/night, you are clearheaded and able to make the right decisions for yourself.

It's quite normal to be nervous before your first time, so that alone shouldn't be the reason for not doing it. The red flag I see is that it seems to me he is putting pressure on you, which is especially bad, considering your respective ages. I would expect him to let you initiate, tbh. Any suggestion from him could be felt as pressure on you, so he shouldn't even take that risk. Do not do anything you're not ready to do! Imo.

Posted by It
Hi all,

I'm new here and came for some advice from the older wiser folks, so pls be kind, thank you 🙂

I don’t know how much detail I need to include here. I’m just going to provide the gist of it. If anyone needs more deets, feel free to ask.

Basically, I met a much older man towards the end of last summer. He is 32 and I’m 19. I’m aware that that should be a red flag in itself. But this man has presented himself as a perfect (well almost, no one’s perfect) gentleman. He courted me slowly and gently, being full aware of my age and never once took advantage of me. I know that’s hard to believe, but we’ve not had sex. I’m still a virgin. He told me he's willing to wait until I'm good and ready.

It’s now been 6 months of courtship/dating. We see each other almost every weekend. He’ll drive up to my university which is about 2 hours away from where he lives every other weekend. I’ll spend the weekend in the city where he is on alternate weekends. He has met my parents and siblings (including both elder brothers who are much bigger than him!). He has gained the respect and trust of my family, and I’m becoming more and more trusting of him.

The issue is (and of course there has to be one, otherwise why am I here eh?), he’s now been hinting that it’s time to take the relationship to the next level, i.e. sex. I’m still unsure if I’m ready for that. That I’m writing this here probably says that I’m not ready. I mean I want to please him, make him happy, and have a proper relationship with him. I’ve been thinking loads about my first time and what it’s going to be like. He’s much older, more experienced, and very gentle with me, I’m sure he’ll take good care of me, right? So why am I nervous about this?

Any feedback, advice, sharing your experience of the first time or having a much older boyfriend/girlfriend, most welcome, thanks 🙂

Why does having sex constitute a "proper relationship"? You know, a guy can hint, just to feel the waters and it's not a bad thing, you are not a child, you are going to have to decide for yourself if you want a sexual partner and if you do, if this is the guy. Then you have to bit the bullet and tell him like an adult. if you arn't prepared for the dirty details inherent in discussing sex with your boyfriend then you shouldn't be having it. As you get into other relationships, there are going to be hints all over the place, don't automatically assume hes pushing unless you have said no.

I don't necessarily have a problem with large age gaps but I do question the motivations of a man who's been a self sufficient adult for quite some time being interested in a girl who's barely out of high school.

It's not a reflection on the OP, b ut raises questions in my mind about the man and why he can't find someone closer to his age and who has similar life experience.

no good men would push for sex. make him wait for another 6 months and see if he is true to his words that he won't pressure you. hey, he is 32 and he better be able to keep his words as a real 32 year old man lol

maybe it's just me. i believe women should initiate sex not men for obvious reasons. and a respectful man who really cares and loves you would understand this.

Posted by Flo

Posted by Aquastic
ewww!

But it's not gross to be involved in a love triangle?

lol

click to expand

Yes I was taught that anyone whose old enough to be my dad, is my dad. I would really feel like m sleeping with my own father or uncle . It's called respect!

There is nothing wrong with a love triangle, as long as they are not married or they have kids together. Or if all parties agreed, and when u on the same age group. It's called sharing love

Posted by Cricket808

Posted by Aquastic
ewww!

You are in no position to be "Ewing".

click to expand

Oh well...!

Posted by Aquastic

Posted by Flo

Posted by Aquastic

Posted by Flo

Posted by Aquastic
ewww!

But it's not gross to be involved in a love triangle?

lol

Yes I was taught that anyone whose old enough to be my dad, is my dad. I would really feel like m sleeping with my own father or uncle . It's called respect!

There is nothing wrong with a love triangle, as long as they are not married or they have kids together. Or if all parties agreed, and when u on the same age group. It's called sharing love

What you call respect, someone else does not. Fucking another persons bfs behind there back with no consent is not respect. It's derogatory and a lack of standards.

Women really need to hold more value for themselves. Do not point fingers when your hands are not clean...

He is my ex lovey!he is not married, I dated him first, she dated him second! It's not my fault that she a control freak ! And my ex is a grown ass man, if he didn't want me he would have simply said no! But because he trusts and love me he keeps on saying yes whenever I go to him. So keep judging!

click to expand

Sleeping with him for fear of losing him would be a mistake.

Don't let his "patience" colour your judgement.

He knew from the start what he was getting into.

OP, I LOVE your profile pic!

On topic.. Do what your heart says. But be financially independent whatever you do.. Relationships are just small part of your life...and we can never really say beforehand.
Just be financially secure 🙂

Anyone can manipulate. Old..young...same age. Anyone can give you emotional torture...etc etc.. So age doesn't really matter.

Relationships I believe are not something which we can predict no matter how old you are. We never know how the person will be after 2 years or what will happen. That is why just do what you feel is right.

But bother about things that can actually give you some security in life and those which you can do something about - career, economic independence.

Never compromise your financial independence for anyone or anything. You need to have something to fall back on. You're just 19.

Posted by Flo

Posted by Aquastic

Posted by Aquastic

Posted by Flo

Posted by Aquastic

Posted by Flo

Posted by Aquastic
ewww!

But it's not gross to be involved in a love triangle?

lol

Yes I was taught that anyone whose old enough to be my dad, is my dad. I would really feel like m sleeping with my own father or uncle . It's called respect!

There is nothing wrong with a love triangle, as long as they are not married or they have kids together. Or if all parties agreed, and when u on the same age group. It's called sharing love

What you call respect, someone else does not. Fucking another persons bfs behind there back with no consent is not respect. It's derogatory and a lack of standards.

Women really need to hold more value for themselves. Do not point fingers when your hands are not clean...

He is my ex lovey!he is not married, I dated him first, she dated him second! It's not my fault that she a control freak ! And my ex is a grown ass man, if he didn't want me he would have simply said no! But because he trusts and love me he keeps on saying yes whenever I go to him. So keep judging!

First of all, don't call me lovey.

Second, He doesn't love you, real men treat their one and only women with loyalty commitment and trust. You hold neither. Aqua, have you truly lost it to hand me the gun to your own judgement? Think thoroughly. You've set yourself up to be easily manipulated.

click to expand

I want you to satisfy yourself on judging me, be cause ,I DO NOT CARE! Do not stop judging Flo judge please. enjoy yourself.

Posted by It

brothers who are much bigger than him!

What a ridiculous thing to say. This is as far as I've read, so far .... and if your whole testimony is this ridiculous then the problem you're having is probably you have irrational thoughts.

do you compare the females too .. who has bigger boobs?

The only reason to have this mindset is because you want this man to feel intimidated into treating you better, or liking you more?

so, in other words ... you want him to be threatened into wanting you?

... because there is no other reason to point that out to us.

If you're suffering here emotionally (as I will find out once I keep reading) ... then it's your fault. You cannot even manage to take this man for who he is, and have to express to us that your brothers are bigger than him, so that we understand he is toting the line for their approval.

which = failure on your part.

Posted by It
Thank you Little Star. Yes I agree, telling him straight up that I'm not ready yet and that it should be on my terms would be wise. But would that run him off? I mean, I know I've said he's a gentleman and very respectful and all that. But I guess deep down, I do wonder if it's the thrill of the chase and bedding a teenager that's turning him on. Ugh I'm sorry I'm even thinking it. That probably says I don't really trust him, doesn't it?

You thought it was relative to your point here to mention that your brothers are bigger than him .... so why don't you sic your brothers on him to tell him to back off?

What other reason does it make that your brothers are bigger than this man ...... why discriminate against his size?

what was your point in saying that, exactly?

Posted by sultrykitty

I do question the motivations of a man who's been a self sufficient adult for quite some time being interested in a girl who's barely out of high school.

And how do you know he's been a self sufficient adult for quite some time?

oh wait ... you don't

you're just talking to hear yourself talk

Posted by babygurl

Being financially secure doesn't stop an older man from manipulating a younger woman.

I don't approve and neither like it.

O.p his 'maturity and experience' may be attractive to you and draw you in but like a user commented. Don't be naive about this.

It easy to get your self misled and carried away by what what you think you're going to get by dating a older man.

You may get those things like I mentioned but there may be some cons that comes with it. Are you prepared for that?

she has already stated that she has 2 brothers that are bigger than him ...... so what more preparation could she possibly need?

Posted by RumiL

.... things that can actually give you some security in life

You need to have something to fall back on.

She already told us in the OP what her security is and what she has to fall back on ...... there's logic in telling us that this man is smaller than her brothers.

And that logic is ...... she has the brothers to fall back on to make sure that this man totes the lines correctly.

With that kind of insensitivity and disingenuous kind of thoughts ..... how can this (small) man ever measure up?

The only people who worry about being judged are the ones who don't have any value, so therefore they are adamant in that people don't look for/to them to make good decisions.

Valuable people actually want others to judge them for being so awesome.