When men start pulling away...

Wth, would a woman suggest keeping thing casual?

It's such a desperate move. Its saying, "I know you don't want to put effort into a realtionship, but I'm willing to put my self respect aside and let you screw me. I'm okay with any crumb of attention you'll give me".

Why would women accept less than what they really want?

This only applies to the women who like the man and want more. This does not apply to the women who truly don't want a relationship. So it's not about the pros and cons of fwb. Wanted to clear that up from the get go.

Posted by AndsAcquisitions

Posted by truecap
"I know you don't want to put effort into a realtionship, but I'm willing to put my self respect aside and let you screw me. I'm okay with any crumb of attention you'll give me".

i'm here for you

click to expand

You'll take care of them won't ypu? 😉

Very good question; initially I was going to scorn and scowl and condemn the human fraility that creates desperation but then i looked up the word desperation and felt compassion. (I just recently moved to a southern town, and the love, compassion and hospitality I have been shown is starting to rub off. I guess.)

The definition of desperation is: acting from a feeling of despair. I looked up despair and the definition is a feeling of hopelessness. I don't think some of us are taught how to identify and process feelings appropriately. So many women are walking around on "overwhelm" and just don't know what to do about it.

Then Dr. Feelgood comes along. And as Aretha Franklin said in her song Dr Feelgood "Don't send me no doctor to fill me up with all those pills... cuz I got me a man named Dr Feelgood, and that man takes care of all my pain and ills." When a man comes around that we are "sweet on" endorphins are released and there is a "natural high" like Bloodstone sang about. And it is a high that blocks out the pain od despair and hopelessness.

It requires great effort and skill to be emotionally available to oneself pay attention to one's feelings and then process through journaling, painting, counseling, comedy etc.

Posted by thinktoomuch
And here I was - all ready to lidft a finger and say "well hey hey hey, some women just don´t want a relationship!!" lol

But yeah, you´re totally right. And having done this myself, it is nothing but a sign of not loving oneself, not thinking that ones own needs and wants are important enough to be taken care of. You start thinking, that you can´t find anyone else, anyone better, so you settle with the little you got.
And having another person knowing, that they are treating you with disrespect, lying to you over and over, it just keeps it going. It does´t change your perspective on yourself but in fact validate it over and over. "I don´t think I´m worth anything. He doesn´t think so either." It is logical and safe. A guy like this can´t make any demands to you either.

But when you feel so horrible about yourself, it´s a state of mind, a way of thinking. You can´t just snap out of it. And if you leave one guy/relationship like this, you´ll probably meet another guy, who´ll treat you just the same. And another. And another. And another. ....
It i VERY hard to get out of.
I am an otherwise quite intelligent woman with many ressources. I am accepting and loving and non judgemental. I can understand difficult theories and history. But I have never ever been able to be in a relationship or just be attracted to the person, that would want to be in a relationship with me. As opposed to me, there are all those girls, that have stayed sorta hillbilly, racist, who don´t explore the world around them at all and have no knowledge about anything. They are married now, have families with kids. They got this relationship part down. So which is better? There is no deying, that if they had me over for dinner and found out, I have never had a real boyfriend and I am almost 30, then something must be wrong with me. It´s weird. It´s shameful too as a woman particularly. But it´s just not that easy for everyone. It´s quite the opposite: always a struggle. And when both love and being completely single turns into some sort of struggle because of the judgement... Well, yeah, that doesn´t exactly inspire healthy thoughts and actions.

I see what you're saying. I'm just hoping some education and realization that they can break the cycle.

Posted by balanceduser
Very good question; initially I was going to scorn and scowl and condemn the human fraility that creates desperation but then i looked up the word desperation and felt compassion. (I just recently moved to a southern town, and the love, compassion and hospitality I have been shown is starting to rub off. I guess.)

The definition of desperation is: acting from a feeling of despair. I looked up despair and the definition is a feeling of hopelessness. I don't think some of us are taught how to identify and process feelings appropriately. So many women are walking around on "overwhelm" and just don't know what to do about it.

Then Dr. Feelgood comes along. And as Aretha Franklin said in her song Dr Feelgood "Don't send me no doctor to fill me up with all those pills... cuz I got me a man named Dr Feelgood, and that man takes care of all my pain and ills." When a man comes around that we are "sweet on" endorphins are released and there is a "natural high" like Bloodstone sang about. And it is a high that blocks out the pain od despair and hopelessness.

It requires great effort and skill to be emotionally available to oneself pay attention to one's feelings and then process through journaling, painting, counseling, comedy etc.

That Dr. Feelgood concept feeds the impression that having a man makes you happy, though happiness comes from inside and not from someone else.

Posted by truecap

Posted by balanceduser
Very good question; initially I was going to scorn and

That Dr. Feelgood concept feeds the impression that having a man makes you happy, though happiness comes from inside and not from someone else.

click to expand

Well I think that most people can probably quote that very common phrase that happiness comes from inside of you not from someone else. Yet statistics show that married people live much longer than non married people and there is a scripture that says -it's not good for man to be alone...

But if you're one of the people who have been fortunate enough to acquire the tools, the maturity and the training to generate happiness on the inside without others... good for you. Everybody has not been that fortunate. You might want to give seminars on how you've acquired that level of peace within yourself since scientists claim that primates without group socialization often die or experience severe attachment disorders.

Quite frankly you sound really judgemental and condescending and I read the other woman's post where this is coming from and we all fall short of glory. So she who is without sin...cast the first stone.

Posted by LuckyLibra979
Why so serious about sex? Why does every woman consider it disrespectful to be human

Don't hide that pussy divide that Pussy

I didn't mean for the thread to be judgemental, but to offer a perspective that could be helpful to some misguided individuals out there. Hopefully some people can learn from others mistakes and be able to recognize that crumbs are crumbs and receiving crumbs only lessens your sense of self worth.

I'm not saying that I have it all figured out. I'm not perfect. I've been in some of those shoes. Finally one day it just clicks and when you make that change within yourself, you trait yourself better. All of a sudden other people start to treat you better too.

So instead of offering up casual sex, you're better off in the long run to hold out for someone who does value you as a person. Accepting crumbs and allowing yourself to be treated as a lesser person does more damage to your self esteem and self worth. The longer you do it, the deeper you get into that mindset.

Just a perspective.

Posted by thinktoomuch
But me and all of us who make bad choices wish to change. And I think we all do try to in our own way. A thing that doesn´t really help though, although you would think it did, is being told "he´s using you. He doesn´t love you. You have bad selfesteem and worth." We all know this. It´s like telling someone, who´s blind, that he´s blind, and why doesn´t he just do something about it?! At least that´s how it feels like. But good idea, getting women (or men) to think about it and analyze is important to spark a change.

That's all I'm trying to do. Wanted to bring the issue to light.

Posted by LuckyLibra979
Why so serious about sex? Why does every woman consider it disrespectful to be human

Don't hide that pussy divide that Pussy

And therein is the problem. Men want women to give up the kitty, but realistically they probably wouldn't even consider marrying a women who's divided that kitty between 200 men. Oh some schmucks would, but not most.

Wth, would a woman push for a commitment early on before she lets things unfold organically?

It is such a desperate move. It's saying "I haven't yet defined where this journey will take us but I have no confidence in myself outside of a commitment, so I am willing to put my faith aside and choose not to experience things for what they are in the present. I bank everything on sex and how this is a solid glue for commitment in my mind, because I am in a rush to have some label, any label or otherwise the uncertainty of life proves too much for me. I need the label or everything we experienced has zero worth"

You say this topic isn't judgmental..but you call it a desperate move..then you call men who would wife up a chick that was with many men..shmucks.

Sex is extremely overrated in what makes the turning point of a commitment.

It should happen organically, like 2 people looking at each other some idle Tuesday morning and going "So, we're good together, aren't we?". With or without the sex.

I was never interested in anything casual or dating for the sake of dating, and I was only interested in someone who felt similar. I wasn't looking for anyone who had to be persuaded into commitment or anyone i had to "be cool" around so as to not scare them off.

and I always made that clear from the beginning. surprisingly few guys were actually scared off by that. and i think it's why I had an easier time dating, never felt used, never had my heart broken, etc. because i set my expectations, weeded out those just looking/hoping to fool around, and was very quick to drop a guy at the first instance of disrespect or unreliability.

but never mind me, I'm just a psycho venus scorpio :p

Posted by Vanish

Posted by Damnata
Sex is extremely overrated in what makes the turning point of a commitment.

It should happen organically, like 2 people looking at each other some idle Tuesday morning and going "So, we're good together, aren't we?". With or without the sex.

I cant agree with that. Ugh aries moon ugh

click to expand

More of a 1st house Neptune I think...

The thread was about offering up casual sex when you really want more and why would someone do that. Seems like a desperate move to accept very little when you know you deserve better. Men don't respect it. You end up feeling bad about yourself so why do it.

I found out a long time ago what was good for me was only not accepting crumbs.

Casual sex is ok if that's what you want. I do want to be clear on that. I'm not judging casual sex at all. But questioning if accepting it when you want more. Is that a desperate move?

Posted by elllesque
take sex completely out of the equation.

if a man starts pulling away.....it's time to call it a wrap and plan an exit point.

no excuses.

if you see it, feel it and have to start asking why....you are wasting time because at the end of the day it doesn't matter, they've already made up their mind.

yes. this.

Posted by truecap
I didn't mean for the thread to be judgemental, but to offer a perspective that could be helpful to some misguided individuals out there. Hopefully some people can learn from others mistakes and be able to recognize that crumbs are crumbs and receiving crumbs only lessens your sense of self worth.

I'm not saying that I have it all figured out. I'm not perfect. I've been in some of those shoes. Finally one day it just clicks and when you make that change within yourself, you treat yourself better. All of a sudden other people start to treat you better too.
So instead of offering up casual sex, you're better off in the long run to hold out for someone who does value you as a person.

I understand now why some would do it. But don't look at it as judging. Let's look at it as teaching. Sometimes to make an impact it has to be direct. If some of these girls didn't hear it from their families, maybe they can hear it from some of us who's got a little life experience behind us.

@thinktoomuch Thats why God created sex only for the pleasure of Husband & wife. It is there to cement the emotional bond, not to be exploited for lust. Many people do it nowadays for the pleasure but they will have to suffer that emotional stress that comes with it. Sex is a gray area in my opinion, it can bring people closer but can also destroy the bond. Relationships before & after sex are two different feelings. Sex is supposed to bring 2 people closer together like one but it has to be mutual wish or else it will destroy it. Eg after sex the girl actually looked upon the guy as her mate for life, starts getting clingy & stuff while the guy just wanted to have sex. The guy will soon get defensive because she is intruding too much of his private space. A big quarrel most likely will follow suit & both people part ways because the expectation & intention is not one.

You dont really have to keep your guard up most of the times but just know that if a guy really likes u, his mind wont be filled with just sex. Its really a commitment thing for good man, they wont want to undress a woman they love so dearly & take no responsibility for this. One last thing, good man wont always be cool, handsome or whatever is portrayed by media. They are the down to earth quiet ones who are usually left out in these courtships game. It is meant to be because the good woman from the other end will take them up as partner 🙂

@thinktoomuch You can do it the aqua style, observe the guy your interested for some time before making the decision. Its pretty useful i must say, usually u can pick out butter along the way. Those not genuine to you will not have patience to go along with you, they want a quick date stuff with the objective being sex. Observe the way they speak, face expression, the way they carry themselves etc (can be anything really) will give u a very gd idea what kind of a person u dealing with roughly. After doing it some time, you most likely get an accurate picture of what he is.

This of course must be done with a rational mindset haha. Do not trust your heart in identifying your partner, its not reliable. Convince yourself with evidence 🙂

Posted by Vanish
Wow...I wonder why I never became perma jaded. It took thinktoomuch so little.

Lets be nice to her, everyone makes mistakes. Thats why u see why divorced people know how to identify genuine people & treat relationship more seriously. We grow to be wiser in life 🙂

Guys I've returned interest in, have wanted a relationship with me. I haven't worried about whether they just wanted sex and I didn't have reason to worry. I had long term relationships with them. Not that I get dating right. I've had a few failed long term relationships, but in hindsight, I can't accuse ex's of using me for sex. They didn't. We honestly tried to build lives together.

The whole concept of "giving it up" is foreign to me. We shared something special. It's never felt like I handed something over or that something was "taken" from me or lost in any way. It seems many of the opinions on here seem to fall into three categories.
1) catching crumbs
2) traditional
3) casual sex
I only have sex in a committed relationship and I've never had a guy try to push me on this requirement. I'm not traditional expecting marriage and not even sure I want marriage. I'm not interested in having casual sex or fwb. I won't do something I'm not comfortable doing. All of this to say, this topic makes me curious what people were taught growing up.

Posted by LuckyLibra979
Why so serious about sex? Why does every woman consider it disrespectful to be human

Don't hide that pussy divide that Pussy

Because if your not...most men will treat you like you're worthless scum, no regard. Even tho they too partook in the sex too, the woman is judged very harshely. It hurts a lot to feel that.

Posted by LuckyLibra979
Why so serious about sex? Why does every woman consider it disrespectful to be human

Don't hide that pussy divide that Pussy

Posted by TAURUSbelle

Posted by truecap
I didn't mean for the thread to be judgemental, but to offer a perspective that could be helpful to some misguided individuals out there. Hopefully some people can learn from others mistakes and be able to recognize that crumbs are crumbs and receiving crumbs only lessens your sense of self worth.

I'm not saying that I have it all figured out. I'm not perfect. I've been in some of those shoes. Finally one day it just clicks and when you make that change within yourself, you treat yourself better. All of a sudden other people start to treat you better too.
So instead of offering up casual sex, you're better off in the long run to hold out for someone who does value you as a person.

Great post, I'm definitely not built for casual ANYTHING. Since my last ex.. I've been Celibate for the last 4 years..Inviting anyone into my sacred space is a HUGE deal, that is the physical manifestation of 2 souls intertwining... I can't bare to blend with someone who's energies are off, "low vibrational" and/ or not my equal. I refuse to lay with low vibrational beings who reduce the very act as "something 2 people...just do" IF someone feels that they should settle just for a crumb of attention, they need to take a step back, and give themselves all the love to they can imagine giving to themselves. NO one can love YOU.. more than -YOU.

click to expand

Posted by thinktoomuch

Posted by Orangedreams

Posted by LuckyLibra979
Why so serious about sex? Why does every woman consider it disrespectful to be human

Don't hide that pussy divide that Pussy

I agree it's just sex.

Sex is never just sex.
If men get it, they think "I nailed her" Got her to put out!" - power. Men feels power over women through sex.
If women get it, they think "oh god, I just wanted to have pure sex, but now he thinks less of me, because we have no emotional connection or nothing. He thinks I´m a cheap slut. And if I start getting feelings, he thinks I´m a crazy, needy bitch."

Rarely women win with the "just sex", regardless of how they feel themselves. It´s always about how the man feels about them somehow.

And if a woman is just fine with whatever and don´t really pay attention to whatever the guy thinks of her, she will be accused of trying to play hard or playing that she doesn´t care, because she is really hurt. Just.Can´t.Win. Fuck the world! 😄 (literally)

click to expand

Posted by Orangedreams

Posted by TAURUSbelle

Posted by truecap
I didn't mean for the thread to be judgemental, but to offer a perspective that could be helpful to some misguided individuals out there. Hopefully some people can learn from others mistakes and be able to recognize that crumbs are crumbs and receiving crumbs only lessens your sense of self worth.

I'm not saying that I have it all figured out. I'm not perfect. I've been in some of those shoes. Finally one day it just clicks and when you make that change within yourself, you treat yourself better. All of a sudden other people start to treat you better too.
So instead of offering up casual sex, you're better off in the long run to hold out for someone who does value you as a person.

Great post, I'm definitely not built for casual ANYTHING. Since my last ex.. I've been Celibate for the last 4 years..Inviting anyone into my sacred space is a HUGE deal, that is the physical manifestation of 2 souls intertwining... I can't bare to blend with someone who's energies are off, "low vibrational" and/ or not my equal. I refuse to lay with low vibrational beings who reduce the very act as "something 2 people...just do" IF someone feels that they should settle just for a crumb of attention, they need to take a step back, and give themselves all the love to they can imagine giving to themselves. NO one can love YOU.. more than -YOU.

Your post really inspired me. I agree with what you are saying about exchanging energies with low vibrational people. I think I want to stop doing this too, my ex had low vibes and so does another guy I'm interested in. Kinda weird how that works, but I like your style!

click to expand

Awww shucks....thank you.