Best way to help a depressed Cancer man? (Page 2)

Posted by cancertheropy

Posted by Illuminati

Posted by cancertheropy
People aren't made for a whole lot of negative energy as it is very unhealthy. If it gets to emtotionally bothersome the healthiest solution is honestly space so that your emotions can die down and the other person gets breathing room and would give both sides time to think about everything instead of jumping to irrational conclusions.

How much space you need? If you are dating exclusively you wouldn't see each other less than a week right?



Didn't he called OP sweet? That's the kissable death. He is toying with her.

And what evidence do you have of this person toying with her? Perhaps he is and isn't. You don't know the person so you can't make that decision. The OP has the memories and the facts and can easily pull the pieces together herself than what everyone else can just by reading messages and coming to their own conclusions. I believe the title of this board was "how to help a depressed cancer." Not "Is this cancer toying with me?" Sorry, but I really dislike it when I see others jump to conclusions when they don't even know the person themselves.

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She surely did post about "he said I'm very very sweet" when she made him a birthday cake. It's almost universal way to tell someone look you are nice but I'm not interested.

@arielle83 @cancertheropy @wil @ladyneptune Lunch went very well, I didn't have to ask much questions and he just kept volunteering, he apologized and opened up about the source of his depression and he really is going through a lot regarding his career. He finds it hard to communicate when he is at his best therefore he didn't communicate with me.

he also brought up the direction regarding our relationship. he is sorry that I have to go through these ups and downs with him. He knows it must make me feel very bad. As he seems to be developing and then going cave mode. He feels like he is dragging me down that's why he went silence. He feels he is tying my future down. I asked what does that mean? you don't want me anymore? he goes of course not! I'm just saying we must keep moving forward. I told him I'm happy to date exclusively before labeling it relationship. He said we must label it at some point, meeting friends will take him some organizations as everyone are busy.

Not sure when will I see him next, but just do my thing and let him sort out his head space and everything.

I know it's not going to be easy and I hope his career goes well, I'm glad we both communicated honestly and cleared a lot of doubts.

Posted by Poppyseeds
@arielle83 @cancertheropy @wil @ladyneptune Lunch went very well, I didn't have to ask much questions and he just kept volunteering, he apologized and opened up about the source of his depression and he really is going through a lot regarding his career. He finds it hard to communicate when he is at his best therefore he didn't communicate with me.

he also brought up the direction regarding our relationship. he is sorry that I have to go through these ups and downs with him. He knows it must make me feel very bad. As he seems to be developing and then going cave mode. He feels like he is dragging me down that's why he went silence. He feels he is tying my future down. I asked what does that mean? you don't want me anymore? he goes of course not! I'm just saying we must keep moving forward. I told him I'm happy to date exclusively before labeling it relationship. He said we must label it at some point, meeting friends will take him some organizations as everyone are busy.

Not sure when will I see him next, but just do my thing and let him sort out his head space and everything.

I know it's not going to be easy and I hope his career goes well, I'm glad we both communicated honestly and cleared a lot of doubts.

Doesn't take much to keep you around does it? Open your eyes this guy is all talk. No actions.

honestly, what do you really believe? Is it obvious he likes you? You seem to have many doubts. If you have to question it, maybe hes simply just not that into you. go with your instincts

Posted by pinkbird03
honestly, what do you really believe? Is it obvious he likes you? You seem to have many doubts. If you have to question it, maybe hes simply just not that into you. go with your instincts

We had our misunderstanding, it's all clear now

Posted by Arielle83

Posted by ImTheRam

Posted by Arielle83


(...)

This is why i refuse to ask other females for advice. You all cloud everything with the baggage you all carry.

(..,)

And I'm not going to read a thread filled with nasty women hating on a man claiming depression. No wonder so many women are single on dxp.

Gona edit this with a finger gun image when images are available again.

But for now...here is a single finger gun.

*finger gun, pew pew*

So you're saying I'm being too blunt like every other person on dxp?

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Don't worry about what other ppl say, you were spot on with our situatio

"He said we must label it at some point". How did he project that statement? As that's important to see if he means it.

One cancer man can't ever be so identical to the other. But personally, i'd be really focused on my work when i have to. I'll zone in completely. I won't be texting anyone during work, even the ones i love(unless i feel like i'm losing her, since it will bother me) But at the end of the day, after so much work, i'll come back to that person to spend time and stuff. That becomes my PRIORITY after work. So maybe you could see if he does that too.

Furthermore, the reason why he feels like he's dragging you down is because he's going through so much, and believes that no one/you deserves to bear it with him. But if he's a really good cancer guy, i'm sure that once he's through with everything. He'll cherish and love you alot knowing that you've been by his side all this while.

so yaaaa(:

Posted by Arielle83
I sent a pm but not sure if it sent.

No haven't received your pm

Posted by wil
"He said we must label it at some point". How did he project that statement? As that's important to see if he means it.

One cancer man can't ever be so identical to the other. But personally, i'd be really focused on my work when i have to. I'll zone in completely. I won't be texting anyone during work, even the ones i love(unless i feel like i'm losing her, since it will bother me) But at the end of the day, after so much work, i'll come back to that person to spend time and stuff. That becomes my PRIORITY after work. So maybe you could see if he does that too.

Furthermore, the reason why he feels like he's dragging you down is because he's going through so much, and believes that no one/you deserves to bear it with him. But if he's a really good cancer guy, i'm sure that once he's through with everything. He'll cherish and love you alot knowing that you've been by his side all this while.

so yaaaa(:

He looked very serious when he said that "he must label it at some point" over all he was very serious when he said he wants to move things forward. Yes he is a really good man. he is very sensitive and cares about my feelings. I hope everything works well for his career.

You pretty much nailed what he was communicating across

Depression is a serious illness that comes in varying levels of severity. At the lighter thats a few tears and feeling tired and withdrawn,

At the other end where severe depression occurs you are talking about hopelessness, feeling like you hate yourself, complete loss of pleasure and enjoyment from things that once made you happy total exhaustion.

In that state a lot of people (especially men) will totally withdraw. Maybe worse if the guy is a cancer because they are sensitive and prone to withdrawal anyway.

You cant love someone out of depression. You can support them through it, but only if that is what they want / choose.

I can tell you now that loving someone with severe depression can be very soul destroying. they can be very selfish in their illness, it's impossible to get them to respond / give love sometimes and you will feel rejected and unwanted and it can be a losing battle.

If you have the strength, then gently support him with one text a week and an occasional short visit. You have to be able to do that knowing that while depressed he is not equipped to love you back - he does not even love himself.

It all depends how he handles it. If he gets help. Medication, therapy, light exercise, maintaining a healthy diet, staying away from alcohol. Watch how HE is choosing to handle it. This is his battle - not yours!

Remember a couple of things also.

1. Depression really can make people behave badly. Affairs, turning to drink, even suicide. It is a serious illness and not just a word to be tossed around. If he is genuinely depressed you wil see evidence of it beyond his words.

2. Depression recurrs. If he gets better, remember this is likely to be a guy who gets spells of depression from time to time. its vital that he has strategies to manage it. Depression is very hard on the loved ones also.

Posted by Arielle83

Posted by Poppyseeds

Posted by Arielle83
I sent a pm but not sure if it sent.

No haven't received your pm

Weird maybe it's disabled. It's gone in cyberspace.

click to expand

Just sent you a pm see if it works other way around

Posted by Poppyseeds

Posted by wil
"He said we must label it at some point". How did he project that statement? As that's important to see if he means it.

One cancer man can't ever be so identical to the other. But personally, i'd be really focused on my work when i have to. I'll zone in completely. I won't be texting anyone during work, even the ones i love(unless i feel like i'm losing her, since it will bother me) But at the end of the day, after so much work, i'll come back to that person to spend time and stuff. That becomes my PRIORITY after work. So maybe you could see if he does that too.

Furthermore, the reason why he feels like he's dragging you down is because he's going through so much, and believes that no one/you deserves to bear it with him. But if he's a really good cancer guy, i'm sure that once he's through with everything. He'll cherish and love you alot knowing that you've been by his side all this while.

so yaaaa(:

He looked very serious when he said that "he must label it at some point" over all he was very serious when he said he wants to move things forward. Yes he is a really good man. he is very sensitive and cares about my feelings. I hope everything works well for his career.

You pretty much nailed what he was communicating across

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Than i dont see how he is playing you. He isn't, to me.

after what @AlaniaB said. I believe it's crucial to see the severity of depression as well. She has a good point

Posted by wil

Posted by Poppyseeds

Posted by wil
"He said we must label it at some point". How did he project that statement? As that's important to see if he means it.

One cancer man can't ever be so identical to the other. But personally, i'd be really focused on my work when i have to. I'll zone in completely. I won't be texting anyone during work, even the ones i love(unless i feel like i'm losing her, since it will bother me) But at the end of the day, after so much work, i'll come back to that person to spend time and stuff. That becomes my PRIORITY after work. So maybe you could see if he does that too.

Furthermore, the reason why he feels like he's dragging you down is because he's going through so much, and believes that no one/you deserves to bear it with him. But if he's a really good cancer guy, i'm sure that once he's through with everything. He'll cherish and love you alot knowing that you've been by his side all this while.

so yaaaa(:

He looked very serious when he said that "he must label it at some point" over all he was very serious when he said he wants to move things forward. Yes he is a really good man. he is very sensitive and cares about my feelings. I hope everything works well for his career.

You pretty much nailed what he was communicating across

Than i dont see how he is playing you. He isn't, to me.

after what @AlaniaB said. I believe it's crucial to see the severity of depression as well. She has a good point

click to expand

@AlaniaB @wil I don't think he is playing me. I will focus on the present, and not try to predict the future. As I'm not a therapist. I'm just here to support him as we both made our intention of moving forward clear. He is worht investing. He is a very good man.

If he genuinely has depression he is not going to be playing you. Being selfish perhaps, using you to feel good perhaps, but those with depression don't have the capability or motivation to play with you. you need to step back and think practically.

In the romance movies or dream world, of course - guy is depressed, girl stands by him, guy feels better because her love is so wonderful and they live happily ever after.

Sorry...this story is BS. Depression is the absence of hope, feeling, passion, positivity. it is seeing the world through murky glasses in shades of grey. It is the opposite of love.

If he is depressed there are various outcomes, but most people with depression eventually get better. The question is whether.....

1. He gets better and you get to start again when he is capable of being a boyfriend.

2. He gets better and decides he wants to date someone else.

Scenario 2 is very common. The man / person with depression feels an absence of joy / life / thrill so they naturally look at the things around them - job, girlfriend and the presumption is that these things no longer make them happy. They do not realise it is their depression, so they seek something else. A lot of depressed men quit their job, leave their wife or just do something crazy like buy a convertible or get into gambling.

It's because they are looking to feel good again.

Perhaps natural - but very painful for those who love them

I am sorry to sound negative here, but it's important for you to see that if he is genuinely depressed then he is not a good boyfriend option for you RIGHT NOW If he is later on is for him to decide but do not waste your heart on him. He might be a good guy who likes you - but this is a serious illness.

It brings with it an arsenal of feelings / thoughts and perceptions designed to destroy relationships. Depression is the opposite of love!

Posted by AlaniaB
If he genuinely has depression he is not going to be playing you. Being selfish perhaps, using you to feel good perhaps, but those with depression don't have the capability or motivation to play with you. you need to step back and think practically.

In the romance movies or dream world, of course - guy is depressed, girl stands by him, guy feels better because her love is so wonderful and they live happily ever after.

Sorry...this story is BS. Depression is the absence of hope, feeling, passion, positivity. it is seeing the world through murky glasses in shades of grey. It is the opposite of love.

If he is depressed there are various outcomes, but most people with depression eventually get better. The question is whether.....

1. He gets better and you get to start again when he is capable of being a boyfriend.

2. He gets better and decides he wants to date someone else.

Scenario 2 is very common. The man / person with depression feels an absence of joy / life / thrill so they naturally look at the things around them - job, girlfriend and the presumption is that these things no longer make them happy. They do not realise it is their depression, so they seek something else. A lot of depressed men quit their job, leave their wife or just do something crazy like buy a convertible or get into gambling.

It's because they are looking to feel good again.

Perhaps natural - but very painful for those who love them

I am sorry to sound negative here, but it's important for you to see that if he is genuinely depressed then he is not a good boyfriend option for you RIGHT NOW If he is later on is for him to decide but do not waste your heart on him. He might be a good guy who likes you - but this is a serious illness.

It brings with it an arsenal of feelings / thoughts and perceptions designed to destroy relationships. Depression is the opposite of love!

I appreciate the information.

He definitely is not playing me, I never thought I could magically heal him. it's his career and I can relate to the job he does. I'm not ready to throw it the towel yet, at this point things are ok but of course like I said I'm taking it day by day. I;m not trying to predict any sort of outcome.

Out of curiosity have you dated someone wih depression? you seem to have lots of awareness of this illness?

Yes, I was engaged to someone ith depression. it changed him to a completely different person and I made myself sick trying to help him when he did not choose to help himself.

It can be a very soul crushing illness, this is all I can tell you.

Posted by AlaniaB
Yes, I was engaged to someone ith depression. it changed him to a completely different person and I made myself sick trying to help him when he did not choose to help himself.

It can be a very soul crushing illness, this is all I can tell you.

Sorry to hear about that, we all grow through what we go through. I hope you both are in a better place in your life now.

I'd say follow your heart, but be careful. Know when to put yourself first.

Make sure he gets his depression 'treated' or whatsoever asap.

I know you would want to focus on the present, so prevent him from letting this state of his depression get worse. Do what you can. Because i see that it is still not too late, he still shows love, maybe it's just a mile depression.

But like i saidd, know when to put yourself first.

Posted by wil
I'd say follow your heart, but be careful. Know when to put yourself first.

Make sure he gets his depression 'treated' or whatsoever asap.

I know you would want to focus on the present, so prevent him from letting this state of his depression get worse. Do what you can. Because i see that it is still not too late, he still shows love, maybe it's just a mile depression.

But like i saidd, know when to put yourself first.

I think his depression is base on his career. I don't want to reveal too much as I want to protect his identity / privacy. As soon as the career situation is sort out so will his depression.

Posted by Poppyseeds

Posted by wil
I'd say follow your heart, but be careful. Know when to put yourself first.

Make sure he gets his depression 'treated' or whatsoever asap.

I know you would want to focus on the present, so prevent him from letting this state of his depression get worse. Do what you can. Because i see that it is still not too late, he still shows love, maybe it's just a mile depression.

But like i saidd, know when to put yourself first.

I think his depression is base on his career. I don't want to reveal too much as I want to protect his identity / privacy. As soon as the career situation is sort out so will his depression.

click to expand

I wish the best for you guys 😄

Posted by wil

Posted by Poppyseeds

Posted by wil
I'd say follow your heart, but be careful. Know when to put yourself first.

Make sure he gets his depression 'treated' or whatsoever asap.

I know you would want to focus on the present, so prevent him from letting this state of his depression get worse. Do what you can. Because i see that it is still not too late, he still shows love, maybe it's just a mile depression.

But like i saidd, know when to put yourself first.

I think his depression is base on his career. I don't want to reveal too much as I want to protect his identity / privacy. As soon as the career situation is sort out so will his depression.

I wish the best for you guys 😄

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Thank you!

Posted by Illuminati

Posted by Poppyseeds
@arielle83 @cancertheropy @wil @ladyneptune Lunch went very well, I didn't have to ask much questions and he just kept volunteering, he apologized and opened up about the source of his depression and he really is going through a lot regarding his career. He finds it hard to communicate when he is at his best therefore he didn't communicate with me.

he also brought up the direction regarding our relationship. he is sorry that I have to go through these ups and downs with him. He knows it must make me feel very bad. As he seems to be developing and then going cave mode. He feels like he is dragging me down that's why he went silence. He feels he is tying my future down. I asked what does that mean? you don't want me anymore? he goes of course not! I'm just saying we must keep moving forward. I told him I'm happy to date exclusively before labeling it relationship. He said we must label it at some point, meeting friends will take him some organizations as everyone are busy.

Not sure when will I see him next, but just do my thing and let him sort out his head space and everything.

I know it's not going to be easy and I hope his career goes well, I'm glad we both communicated honestly and cleared a lot of doubts.

Doesn't take much to keep you around does it? Open your eyes this guy is all talk. No actions.

click to expand

Why are you only stuck on one thought? Are you that negative of a person to think like this to another? Or do you simply enjoy tearing someone else down? Either way, I don't get why this is your only conclusion since message one. Do you happen to say this to every person on this forum cause if you do there is a pattern and if there's a pattern then the problem resides in you.

You don't seem like a bad person at all. I just don't understand your reasoning at all. I bet you're an amazing person yourself and possibly have been duped - as I do not know.

Posted by cancertheropy

Posted by Illuminati

Posted by Poppyseeds
@arielle83 @cancertheropy @wil @ladyneptune Lunch went very well, I didn't have to ask much questions and he just kept volunteering, he apologized and opened up about the source of his depression and he really is going through a lot regarding his career. He finds it hard to communicate when he is at his best therefore he didn't communicate with me.

he also brought up the direction regarding our relationship. he is sorry that I have to go through these ups and downs with him. He knows it must make me feel very bad. As he seems to be developing and then going cave mode. He feels like he is dragging me down that's why he went silence. He feels he is tying my future down. I asked what does that mean? you don't want me anymore? he goes of course not! I'm just saying we must keep moving forward. I told him I'm happy to date exclusively before labeling it relationship. He said we must label it at some point, meeting friends will take him some organizations as everyone are busy.

Not sure when will I see him next, but just do my thing and let him sort out his head space and everything.

I know it's not going to be easy and I hope his career goes well, I'm glad we both communicated honestly and cleared a lot of doubts.

Doesn't take much to keep you around does it? Open your eyes this guy is all talk. No actions.

Why are you only stuck on one thought? Are you that negative of a person to think like this to another? Or do you simply enjoy tearing someone else down? Either way, I don't get why this is your only conclusion since message one. Do you happen to say this to every person on this forum cause if you do there is a pattern and if there's a pattern then the problem resides in you.

You don't seem like a bad person at all. I just don't understand your reasoning at all. I bet you're an amazing person yourself and possibly have been duped - as I do not know.

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I just don't want her to sell herself short. Presuming his stress is coming from his career, which can translate to financial difficulties. I'm not a gold digger but from what I read I think the OP is doing pretty well herself. I don't think it's a good idea for her to date a guy who she can have no future with. How can she relies on him if she fall pregnant if they ever get married.

@illumimati

I just don't want her to sell herself short. Presuming his stress is coming from his career, which can translate to financial difficulties. I'm not a gold digger but from what I read I think the OP is doing pretty well herself. I don't think it's a good idea for her to date a guy who she can have no future with. How can she relies on him if she fall pregnant if they ever get married.

I understand your reasoning completely but sadly I still disagree with it. Depression is keeping your inner feelings locked up tight inside instead of letting it all out. Even if it's job related stress that's causing the problem is it really fair to him to try to convince someone that he likes to turn away and make it so that he can't find happiness? How would it make YOU feel if someone did that to you? If others step in and try to take away your happiness, and this persons case it might be a happiness which can turn his life around and make his job related stress more toleratable if that is the source.

This is something my psychiatrist told me. Love isn't an emotion. It's a commitment. Sitting back and thinking about those words makes a lot of sense. In any relationship couples feel that they like each other right away and go off to marry but once that emotion leaves the divorce sets in. I've watched my parents over the years go through hell. Get into arguments, raised nine kids (me being one of them 🙂 ) they went through a lot of financial debt and struggles, and now my dad has both prostate cancer and diabeties while my mom works stressful hours since my dads medical issues have prevented him to be able to work. The relationship works great with another because first of all they're loyal to their vowels, secondly: they communicate to one another and try to help the other out, thirdly they understand each other and because of this they keep triggering that loving emotion between the two of them. My point: even if there are struggles and hardships ahead the relationship can become beautiful with hard work and effort.

It's not his fault he has depression. He didn't ask for it. He shouldn't suffer from those around him just because he feels things inside that he can't control. Depression makes it so you have trust issues. Number one reason why the person won't open up. And if they do there's someone around the corner who will think they're making it up for attention. How can we help those who need help when we're always giving them the benefit of the doubt?

Jumping to conclusions is irrational thinking when u don't know someone. Let me give an example. Say someone distance themselves from you. Your first instinct would be that they decided to ditch you and go for someone else. They could, but what if they're just busy? Find the relationship secure? Or perhaps you said something that makes them feel scared inside and need to sort it out and so they distance themselves? Same outcome, but different emotions inside.

@cancertheropy

Couldn't agree more about love is a commitment. Op seems to be commitmented to moving things forward by her actions. The cancer dude is telling her all that he wants to move things forward yet he didn't set up the next date. I have serious doubt in his level of commitment. He seems like a talker to me.

@poppyseeds

How did you feel when he was telling you those stuff? Where did he take you for lunch? Fast food? Or proper place? Who paid? I'd he communicating more since you met? You know when are you seeing him next?

Posted by Illuminati
@cancertheropy

Couldn't agree more about love is a commitment. Op seems to be commitmented to moving things forward by her actions. The cancer dude is telling her all that he wants to move things forward yet he didn't set up the next date. I have serious doubt in his level of commitment. He seems like a talker to me.

@poppyseeds

How did you feel when he was telling you those stuff? Where did he take you for lunch? Fast food? Or proper place? Who paid? I'd he communicating more since you met? You know when are you seeing him next?

I agree completely but depression is still a factor. If you've never had depression before I wouldn't expect you to understand it. It's really hard to just communicate. When I fell into depression last year I wanted to go say something to someone about it, I wanted to and wanted to but everytime I think about it it scared me at the thoughts of telling someone what's bothering me. What if they judge me for this? What if they think of me differently if they know the truth? It's worse when it's a secret you've had for yours and never once told a soul. It's an uncontrollable fear and if he had said it to someone before he might have felt betrayed and rejected to that now he's afraid to open up. These are factors to think about. If it weren't for depression then yes, I agree with you 98% .

Posted by cancertheropy

Posted by Illuminati
@cancertheropy

Couldn't agree more about love is a commitment. Op seems to be commitmented to moving things forward by her actions. The cancer dude is telling her all that he wants to move things forward yet he didn't set up the next date. I have serious doubt in his level of commitment. He seems like a talker to me.

@poppyseeds

How did you feel when he was telling you those stuff? Where did he take you for lunch? Fast food? Or proper place? Who paid? I'd he communicating more since you met? You know when are you seeing him next?

I agree completely but depression is still a factor. If you've never had depression before I wouldn't expect you to understand it. It's really hard to just communicate. When I fell into depression last year I wanted to go say something to someone about it, I wanted to and wanted to but everytime I think about it it scared me at the thoughts of telling someone what's bothering me. What if they judge me for this? What if they think of me differently if they know the truth? It's worse when it's a secret you've had for yours and never once told a soul. It's an uncontrollable fear and if he had said it to someone before he might have felt betrayed and rejected to that now he's afraid to open up. These are factors to think about. If it weren't for depression then yes, I agree with you 98% .

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I get that, the difference is he told her he is depressed what so ever. If he was really depress wouldn't he be "hiding" like you did?

Posted by Illuminati

Posted by cancertheropy

Posted by Illuminati
@cancertheropy

Couldn't agree more about love is a commitment. Op seems to be commitmented to moving things forward by her actions. The cancer dude is telling her all that he wants to move things forward yet he didn't set up the next date. I have serious doubt in his level of commitment. He seems like a talker to me.

@poppyseeds

How did you feel when he was telling you those stuff? Where did he take you for lunch? Fast food? Or proper place? Who paid? I'd he communicating more since you met? You know when are you seeing him next?

I agree completely but depression is still a factor. If you've never had depression before I wouldn't expect you to understand it. It's really hard to just communicate. When I fell into depression last year I wanted to go say something to someone about it, I wanted to and wanted to but everytime I think about it it scared me at the thoughts of telling someone what's bothering me. What if they judge me for this? What if they think of me differently if they know the truth? It's worse when it's a secret you've had for yours and never once told a soul. It's an uncontrollable fear and if he had said it to someone before he might have felt betrayed and rejected to that now he's afraid to open up. These are factors to think about. If it weren't for depression then yes, I agree with you 98% .

I get that, the difference is he told her he is depressed what so ever. If he was really depress wouldn't he be "hiding" like you did?

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Depends what it's about. I wanted to go out with what was happening but I couldn't because of a secret that no one new and that I didn't want them to know. It was my homosexuality. It was hard to talk to anyone about the problem without coming out and therefore cause my depression. Most think big whoops, who cares if you homo- but others don't realize how hard it is because once everyone found it the males in general were the ones who acted completely different.

It's an issue if he uses depression to get what he wants. I mean when the depression is gone as it comes and goes. The source of depression is different for each person and affects each individually different.

OP, did he say it while he was depressed or while not? Cause if he likes you he would be afraid to give you the wrong idea and told you so that you could understand more if somethings not right. The chances of him coming out with it is if he's actually in depressed mode while it's off he would actually speak more.

Do you happen to notice a pattern with his behavior? Does he do the same thing over and over again when he gets in depression then goes back to how he was before?

@cancertheropy He told me that he felt into depression last week was because he noticed his main source of income has been reduced. I don't want to reveal what type of work he does but he gets paid per job/ projects. He has to keep working on those projects which he is not being paid yet, those quicker jobs hasn't been given to him much. This is how he pays his rent and he only just moved house recently. He was with his parents before probably due to unstable income and most landlord declined his applications.

Anyway he said his mood has been on rollercoaster and that stops him from communicating with me, he found it difficult to see me for lunch but he knows he must see me cos he can tell I was sad. He said something about his career has to be changed, he has to do something he has control of, instead of being controlled by his work. I can vouch for the difficulty and instability of the type of work he does.

I said most people don't even have the awareness that they are depress. you seem to have lots of awareness. Has it been a pattern to you? He said yes it's been like this in the past 18 months. (he's been come and go in 2 countries due to the instability of works) He used to go to therapist but stopped when we met in April. He said his therapist recon he no longer needs it. When we met he didn't drink coffee or alcohol. However he started drinking coffee again in June. I said isn't this going to add more stress? He said its ok I can handle it now, I was just trying to cleanse my body before. His house also has lots of alcohol, but they could be for entertaining guests. He's never drank a lot in front of me. At most 2 drinks in a night.

I told him I'm sorry he feels this way, he said no I feel sorry for you to go through this with me, my unstable mood and career. I said at least we are now communicating honestly before I thought you just lost interest or have someone else. He said no, I really like you and I want to keep moving things forward, in the past it happened to me a few times that girls dumped me while developing things because they can't handle my unstablity. I said I really like you want want to keep developing, whilst I understand this is a difficult time for you, I like more communication and we should see each other once a week or at least make plans. he argee and apologized, he said seeing me is more about his mental state, he siad when he can't get his head straight he can't really see me. He said he does need to learn that he doesn't have to his life to be perfect to go out on a date.

@illuminati He took me to a cafe and he paid for it. He went out of his way to my office, he said don't worry about where I can find partking I will come to you. I felt a geunine connection between us when we are in each other's presence, a very calming feeling where I feel I could be myself. Yes he has increased in communications, he said he will speaking to me very soon and see me very soon. I don't have exact date

So you are telling me this guy is broke, has on going mental issues, now even half ass into your relationship. Sounds like a real catch.

I'm glad to hear it ?. Sounds like communication means a lot to you- that's great. I believe you know what you want and what to do. Before you push further it would be good to think if you really want this person because now would be better than later as it would be harder. You sound like you have the answer deep down inside.

Yes there is a pattern for me with my depression. It actually gets triggered through a source of rejection. Such as a group of friends that I care about sitting in front of me making plans while excluding me out. That really gets me in my depressed mode.

There's a guide on the internet I suggest looking up. its a simple test to see what your love language is. There are five love languages and each person falls in these categories. Knowing your lovers love language you can read about it and find out exactly what speaks to him in his language, and reversed way too. It's actually real psychology lol it helped a friend of mine actually cause she was having problems with her loved one. Knowledge is beneficial.

The last thing since it seems that this conversation is going on longer than it should, don't let other people's opinions easily persuade your thinking. Mine, llluminate, or any other person. It's great getting advice, but take it into what you think and feel rather than what they do. I hope that makes sense. I can see just a small lesson to think about that's beneficial. When it comes to the heart we can easily feel hurt by the simplest of things because we care and our minds can get persuaded to think negatively about the person. When that happens its best to give yourself space for some breathing room so that your emotions can die down and give yourself time to reflect over everything.

Good luck ?

@cancertheropy thank you for sharing your experience, sorry you had to go through the feeling of rejection. I'm glad you are now out and open and won the battle of depression. I can tell you he is going through lots of rejections. When I met him I knew the sterotype of people who are doing his jobs are ppl who are prone to depression.. Looks like the sterotype is correct.

Anyway He's been to therapy before so I believe he knows what he's gotta do to get his head space right, as he mentioned something has to be done to his career to have more control. Perhaps he mean a change of career, which I don't mind, as long as it gives him the security.

I never judge a guy by what they've got. I believe that situation is temporary, but character and emotional connections are forever. Meanwhile we are communicating more I'm just focusing on being fun and light hearted in the communication, to let him work it out on his own. I am capable of being alone.

Not focusing on when am I seeing him next, I will use this time for new hobbies, friends, new books and self discovery.

@cancertheropy by the way I looked up laugh of love, I haven't got him to do the quiz, looks like we have the same language

i'd say nature,sports, dancing, reading,supporting and just being there for him . Make him understand that depression is just bad expression , because when you're depressed you shut yourself in, you don't express almost anything, make him understand this, go dance ,scream jump up and down, do stupid shit , get him out of his head and into his body 😉

If he really was depressed he will ended up leaving you. They will either feel guilty of your affection and think you shouldn't be stuck to a loser like them. Or they blame you for their depression thinking if she could make me happy why would I be depressed? I better go look for someone else.

Posted by Poppyseeds
@cancertheropy by the way I looked up laugh of love, I haven't got him to do the quiz, looks like we have the same language

Laugh of love? Lol I'm not sure if we're talking about the same thing if it's the love languages ur talking about.

1.) words of affirmation

2.) quality time (which is me 🙂 )

3.) physical touch - it's not talking sexual

4.) receiving gifts

5.) community service

Those are the five love languages. Sorry if I misunderstood you.

Posted by cancertheropy

Posted by Poppyseeds
@cancertheropy by the way I looked up laugh of love, I haven't got him to do the quiz, looks like we have the same language

Laugh of love? Lol I'm not sure if we're talking about the same thing if it's the love languages ur talking about.

1.) words of affirmation

2.) quality time (which is me 🙂 )

3.) physical touch - it's not talking sexual

4.) receiving gifts

5.) community service

Those are the five love languages. Sorry if I misunderstood you.

click to expand

it was autocrorrect, I defnitely looked up language of love! haha

I know he went to his a birthday party of someone from work. Hopefully he can do some networking there to get more work, I could be overthinking.. I have a feeling he will turn it into a massive drinking night... I just feel sad to see him in pain...

Poppy a depressed person can't love or accept love. He will keep pulling back to try to survive his emotions. He probably is also detaching himself from you, if your feelings are mutual he is trying to protect himself as he cant see anything optimistic at this point.

This could be useful for you. im not bitter. I'm just a realist.

http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/how-to-let-go-of-someone-you-love/

Posted by Illuminati
Poppy a depressed person can't love or accept love. He will keep pulling back to try to survive his emotions. He probably is also detaching himself from you, if your feelings are mutual he is trying to protect himself as he cant see anything optimistic at this point.

This could be useful for you. im not bitter. I'm just a realist.

http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/how-to-let-go-of-someone-you-love/

Thanks for the link, I'm not killing myself to try to "fix" him. I'm just caring from a distance while letting things process. It's easy to look at the person when they are going through a happy time. When they are going through difficult time it's the true test.. it gives you an indication of what would it be like if you ever get to live with them...

No amount of care can cure him. You have to leave him if you want a chance with him.

http://www.anewmode.com/dating-relationships/guy-wasting-time/

Posted by Poppyseeds

Posted by Arielle83

Posted by Illuminati

Before you attempt to help him, make sure he really is suffering from depressioN, not just using it as excuse to get away from bad behavior.

If you didn't tell him your needs would he have tell you he is depressed?

Why is everything a doubt/lie/or stringing her along?

Have you been with this cancer man?

Arielle I like to stay positive, but now his actions tells me it is possible that he is playing me? I have a friend who is a psychologist, he is not my psycholgist as they can't do that for firneds or family. But he said it's possible he is reeling you in, and then use depression as an excuse to keep distance form you...

anwyay the cancer reached out to apologize on the weekend and I let him know the line to you tuaght me. the next day he used pet name and be affectionate and said lets try to see each other this week, asked me to let him know when I'm free.

I responded with some encouraging words then told him thursday is good if that is ok with him? he didn't respond... you would think it doesn't take much to say yes or no...

yet he keeps getting on chatting app.. so I sent him a message there to start as new message to ask if we could catch up for a coffee this week if he has time. as I'm away over the weekend. let me know. no respond...

click to expand

Same thing is happening to me with a cancer man! Doesn’t he have moon square Pluto in his chart nataly? It’s emotionally draining...

Posted by cancertheropy

Posted by Poppyseeds

Posted by cancertheropy

Quality time. I know cancer love quality time. For me it sometimes doesn't matter what we do as long as I get to be around the one I love. And yes, we actually like it if the other person will take charge every once in a while to decide what to do. It shows that you care enough to put the effort into it. Good luck 🙂

we are dating for 3.5 months exclusively.. but i'm not sure if he sees me as "loved ones"... as he is not really reciprocating my effort since he announced his "depression"

This is just an idea. I have some depression- usually triggered. Anyways, I've dealt with someone who has had severe depression before. This was a Scorpio. He always looked for friends who didn't like him at all and I tried everything to be his friend. He avoided me, did stuff that hurt me, lied to me, but I kept on going. Was until later I realized that he did all that cause he didn't trust me fully - as depression does that to people. Patience is key with people who have depression which is a hard thing to come by when it seems to be all give and no get. I know that I impacted this person a lot cause when I got busy and started hanging out with others he felt so betrayed that he deleted me from everything.

You will know if he is actually suffering from depression if he isn't using it as an excuse. We like to give our thoughts out- but the more we need someone the more we move back into our shell. That's the way it always seems to work for us. Even though he may not be showing anything doesn't necessarily mean you aren't stirring up deep emotions that he happens to love.

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Hi

I know this is a 3 year old thread but can I ask a question please? I’m a in situationship with a cancerian man, he goes into his shell, retreats and I’ve noticed he does it in cycles...when he withdraws he goes off social media too and just occasionally posts something insignificant or a joke basically something stupid, he will rarely look at my posts...if I write him he will either read and not respond (if it’s emotional stuff like I miss you, look after yourself) however if I message next day asking whether he’s upset he will say coldly:”no just busy with work””we will meet up soon” and again he will withdraw. He also smokes weed and he knows it scares me off. No he never actually says he’s depressed only once in the past he would tell me:”I’m feeling down at the moment if you could give me some space I will be back in no time” but he will not constant me for weeks! No I would like to know....as it comes in a pattern I’ve noticed...when he pulls away, do I stop contacting him completely and let him to come

Me when he feels like and is ready or do I keep on occasionally contacting him with “hi how are you” type of messages? I never know what to do...but I do want him to be the one who initiates contact. What is the best thing to do please??

I deeply care about him.

Thank you