"Oh, my name, it ain't nothing. My age, it means less..."
My mother bought a little chihuahua a month after my sister passed. Of course Piñon wasn’t a replacement, but a little companion. Maybe she thought he would help her adjust to her new reality. Over time he became the whole family’s dog. He was so cute and funny when he was a puppy, and he was that way until nearly the very end. “Pinenut” lived up to his name all right; he was a nut! But he was also very intelligent and affectionate. As he got on in years he would bark every time he was left alone. Barking for us to hurry back to whatever room he was in keep HIM company.
It’s amazing how fast 13 years goes by. I was 24 when Mom bought him and I’ll be 38 in June. I trained him. We all spoiled him. My husband really loved Piñon, and Pinenut loved being with him all the time. Now I feel so sorry for my Husband. His shadow is gone now. I feel just as bad for my mother. Everyone in the family is sad, and I feel like it’s all my fault. I should have done better to take him to the vet more often. He got sick a few days ago with digestive problems. Not anything new, as in the past I’d always use medicine to nurse him back and he’d be fine in a couple of days. Not this time. Even though last night he still wanted water, and he was walking around, and picked up his nose at some food, this morning he took a turn.
I didn’t wake my husband when I took Piñon into the vet, opting instead to ask my mother. She hadn't slept all night. I think she had a feeling he wouldn’t make it. So, I took him alone. I was expecting to be told any number of things, but NOT “He’s going down on us. Do you want us to perform CPR?”
When I was allowed back in there five minutes later he was already dead. I told them to stop. Exactly what I didn’t want to happen happened; he died without any of his loved ones around. I couldn’t believe it, and I hated having to think about how I’d break it to my family.
I feel guilty. Had i not done ABC, or had I done XYZ quicker he’d still be alive. I blame myself. And my husband saying he would have gone to the vet with me. In the past he never went to the vet when one of our birds or ferrets were on their way out so I didn’t ask. But I see all too late now that Pinenut was different. And now a lot of people are sad. Including me. I’m not used to not seeing him. Not calling out his name. Not picking him up and putting him on my bed. I miss him a lot. I’ll never forget him. How could I? There will never be another “Little Pinenut.”
London. A terrier mix I had under my wing passed on the 15th of March this year and I tell you...it is beyond hard. She was with me for about 10 years and she was family to me. She still is. I don't feel I can say much else as I am still struggling myself. But.. I am taking the time I need to process it I feel it is best for you too.