What are the lessons you have learned from relationships ?

To my fellow DXP users -

What are some of the important if not vital lessons you have learned from relationships ?

From your experiences, what are some things which you now consider red flags ?

Share with us all, it may help others with their situation or give others a new perspective to look at.

There is never any reason to tolerate an addict.

Knowing when to detach from a toxic situation and to set boundaries, shows that you have respect for yourself.

You can not change them, therefore change yourself, for the better.

If you ever have to question your loved ones or SO, as one would in an interrogation (in order to find out mundane or important matters pertaining to the relationship).

Only to come up short, with denial, diversions and deflections, ending in rage.

It would be wise to rethink - why you are where you are, doing what you are doing.

It is not normal, and nobody deserves such treatment.

If a man takes your words, and chooses to twist them.

Projecting their wrong doing unto you, for you to shoulder their poor behaviour and responsibilities. Which they cannot handle or be accountable for.

That is gaslighting, beware. Take a step back and reflect. Proceed with caution.

You don't end up with what you want - you end up with what the situation offers you.

When your SO, partner, or husband suddenly decides to hide anything which you may have mentioned or objected to.

Know this, nobody suddenly hides something which was in the open before. Unless, they have a secret or addiction to keep up with.

They go by their law of - what she does not know, she can not object.

If that is the role you forever want to play, to be taken for a fool. Then do so, but know this, it will only be a gilded cage, built to kill you.

People who don't listen. People who are not generous. People who are close minded. A man who sponges off you while doing nothing to better himself or contribute to the relationship. People who gossip about others behind their backs. People with no sense of humor. People with no sense of honor.

Red flags to me - all.

If a man feels a need to put you in your place through the use of threats, their temper, rants, and generally speaking over you to silence you.

Giving you their terms or their terms as your only choices, then carefully judge who you are with. There will be no compromise, there will be no communication, and you will shoulder all the blame, every. single. time.

Know this, it is not your fault, their words, their actions, are all there, used to minimise you. Using every single one of your weaknesses against you. They have no strength, they need this perceived power and control, to make them appear larger and greater than what they truly are.

You are no puppet, you are an independent individual with a free will. No one will tell you what you should or should not do, much less control it. Do not give them the power, you will only create your own jail from it.

@Vageenka

That was a valid post, you should not have hidden it. We all learn lessons and make mistakes, there is no shame in it. There is only shame if we never learn at all.

It's not love if it's filling in what's missing.

You can't change someone.

Things aren't perfect. A lot of couples have bumps here and there but they work together to maintain the relationship.

Every family has its imperfections, but for a man to use your family as a source of insults.

It shows that he has no respect for you at all, nor does he have concerns over your well being.

This is the lows of lows and no where should this be acceptable without an apology.

If he uses all the vulnerabilities in which you shared, and gathers them like ammunition.

Think again as to whether or not you would trust him again with your emotions and thoughts.

What I have learned that I require in a partner is someone that will "stand up" for me.

I can fight my own battles, and have many of times. But having been married for 11 years to a man whom never even attempted to "protect" me from situations, it got tiresome. I hated that he passively stood off in forever neutral land when he should have been on my side, as his wife and mother of his child. I never expected him to do this if I were in the wrong, only when it was evidently not right. I was always left to defend myself alone.

That is one of my biggest things I have learned I require in someone.

I have also learned as I grow older, that relationships should be easy with minimal effort. That is your significant other truly cares about you, then they will listen to you and compromise themselves to make you happy. As you should with them as well.

Posted by yupvirgoo
Red flags for me... someone too proud to apologize, rotten behavior towards maids, waiters or those in customer service, refusing to listen, selfishness, lying, lack of even trying to compromise and cruelty to others and to animals.

There is no quicker way to incite my anger than unnecessary cruelty towards animals, and generally, those who are helpless.

Always have sex as soon as possible.

Posted by HeartofTopaz
Someone who doesn't take care of their material possessions. Thats usually a good indicator of how they conduct themselves, or how they will treat you. Random, but I've found to be true.. And a precursor to other weird behavioral patterns.

HeartofTopaz, that is a very good observation.

I have never noticed the link between the two but on reflection, this seems valid.

To not compromise myself

To not put so much importance on sex

To not be deluded about rships

To not define myself by being with someone

But most importantly

How to be strong and independent



Great and valuable life changing lessons

🙂

Posted by pisces4scorpio
What I consider Red flags: addiction / depression / negativity / controlling / anti feeling / narcissism / babydick (= short man complex but worse) / sports addict / pro trump

What I look for: tall / Scorpio / mars in Scorpio / no red flags / 4:20 friendly / intellect / humor / spirituality

But what did you learn about yourself ?

Posted by nikkistar
What I have learned that I require in a partner is someone that will "stand up" for me.

I can fight my own battles, and have many of times. But having been married for 11 years to a man whom never even attempted to "protect" me from situations, it got tiresome. I hated that he passively stood off in forever neutral land when he should have been on my side, as his wife and mother of his child. I never expected him to do this if I were in the wrong, only when it was evidently not right. I was always left to defend myself alone.

That is one of my biggest things I have learned I require in someone.

I have also learned as I grow older, that relationships should be easy with minimal effort. That is your significant other truly cares about you, then they will listen to you and compromise themselves to make you happy. As you should with them as well.

Dear god, eleven years with a man who did not have a backbone, and married to him.

I understand the use of neutrality especially if the perpetrator within the situation, may become dangerous, such as physically harming you and your child.

However, in most cases, who else would he protect, but himself ?

That makes for a very selfish individual by the sounds of it.

nikkistar, I hope you are in a better place now.

Above all else, you must learn to love yourself, and respect yourself.

Without the two, you will lose your independence somewhere along the way.

You have a right to independence, strength, free will, and choices ... even within a relationship.

Do not think for once, that once you are in a relationship you become nothing but an indentured submissive servant, to their emotional, physical, or mental whims.

Every part of a relationship changes by a choice. There are no victims. Own up to derping every once in a while.

Compromise.

Communication.

Two key stones within a relationship. Without it, you might as well be on a sinking ship.

Posted by HeartofTopaz
Someone who doesn't take care of their material possessions. Thats usually a good indicator of how they conduct themselves, or how they will treat you. Random, but I've found to be true.. And a precursor to other weird behavioral patterns.

Hmmmm...

There's some really good stuff in here. I definitely agree about having to pry out simple information and still not being satisfied with what you are hearing. Major red flag.

Posted by TheLadyScorpio
Compromise.

Communication.

Two key stones within a relationship. Without it, you might as well be on a sinking ship.

Over compromising isn't good though.....

Posted by kissmygrits
Every part of a relationship changes by a choice. There are no victims. Own up to derping every once in a while.

Except the bullied, the abused, and those who are raped by their SO.

Those are without a doubt, victims, but how they decide upon their future and the choices they make will empower them to be otherwise. However, I do not think their experiences should be minimised. To say they were not victims, means they brought it upon themselves, and they did not.

Posted by MyStarsShine

Posted by TheLadyScorpio
Compromise.

Communication.

Two key stones within a relationship. Without it, you might as well be on a sinking ship.

Over compromising isn't good though.....

click to expand

You are quite right, Star.

Compromise, means a balance.

Over compromising equates to a door mat.

I did not advise the latter and truly would not either.

It would only be heartbreaking. 😢

Posted by TheLadyScorpio

Posted by kissmygrits
Every part of a relationship changes by a choice. There are no victims. Own up to derping every once in a while.

Except the bullied, the abused, and those who are raped by their SO.

Those are without a doubt, victims, but how they decide upon their future and the choices they make will empower them to be otherwise. However, I do not think their experiences should be minimised. To say they were not victims, means they brought it upon themselves, and they did not.

click to expand

Well yes I'm stating for the individual. Majority never takes responsibility. It's always the other person. Nobody ever looks in the mirror and raises hand "my bad". It's not always the other but themselves sabotaging something good.

Abuse is totally different and the abused needs to get help to exit stage left asap.

Posted by kissmygrits

Posted by TheLadyScorpio

Posted by kissmygrits
Every part of a relationship changes by a choice. There are no victims. Own up to derping every once in a while.

Except the bullied, the abused, and those who are raped by their SO.

Those are without a doubt, victims, but how they decide upon their future and the choices they make will empower them to be otherwise. However, I do not think their experiences should be minimised. To say they were not victims, means they brought it upon themselves, and they did not.

Well yes I'm stating for the individual. Majority never takes responsibility. It's always the other oerson. Nobody ever looks in the mirror and raises hand "my bad". It's not always the other but themselves sabotaging something good.

Abuse is totally different and the abused needs to get help to exit stage left asap.

click to expand

kissmygrits, that is true. A complete lack of self awareness, always detrimental.

Posted by kissmygrits

Posted by TheLadyScorpio

Posted by kissmygrits
Every part of a relationship changes by a choice. There are no victims. Own up to derping every once in a while.

Except the bullied, the abused, and those who are raped by their SO.

Those are without a doubt, victims, but how they decide upon their future and the choices they make will empower them to be otherwise. However, I do not think their experiences should be minimised. To say they were not victims, means they brought it upon themselves, and they did not.

Well yes I'm stating for the individual. Majority never takes responsibility. It's always the other person. Nobody ever looks in the mirror and raises hand "my bad". It's not always the other but themselves sabotaging something good.

Abuse is totally different and the abused needs to get help to exit stage left asap.

click to expand

And yes I get people get trapped in an abusive relationship but I'm still going to refer to my first post. Choice. Get yo power back.

Posted by kissmygrits

Posted by kissmygrits

Posted by TheLadyScorpio

Posted by kissmygrits
Every part of a relationship changes by a choice. There are no victims. Own up to derping every once in a while.

Except the bullied, the abused, and those who are raped by their SO.

Those are without a doubt, victims, but how they decide upon their future and the choices they make will empower them to be otherwise. However, I do not think their experiences should be minimised. To say they were not victims, means they brought it upon themselves, and they did not.

Well yes I'm stating for the individual. Majority never takes responsibility. It's always the other person. Nobody ever looks in the mirror and raises hand "my bad". It's not always the other but themselves sabotaging something good.

Abuse is totally different and the abused needs to get help to exit stage left asap.

And yes I get people get trapped in an abusive relationship but I'm still going to refer to my first post. Choice. Get yo power back.

click to expand

In that case, it is an empowering sentiment.

Posted by PootyButt
If you catch yourself talking a lot, you should probably be listening more. If you find you're always listening and it seems your partner doesn't hear you, you probably need to be sharing more with them.

I would not advise the latter if your partner is a stone brick wall and would never listen anyways.

Why bother, simply stop sharing.

Acknowledging and overcoming one's own issues can prevent so many headaches. Headspace is completely different, different type of energy you attract.

Some people (if not most) know what they want in a relationship initially but the mistake is self-deception. Security issues for one thing and this relfects on so many areas in life, not just romantic relationship.

Set boundaries and don't tolerate the bs that most women get door matted over.

Always treat your partner better than a total stranger. Ppl tend to show strangers so much patience, kindness, understanding, we say please and thank you but not with their partners. I think you should treat your partner better than anyone else.

If your SO has a very strong misogynist mindset, which causes them to believe their way is the only way. They will always be right, simply because they are a man, and they know better. Whilst you are only their submissive puppet to do as told.

Know this, you could always say - "No." ... and reject it all. You have no need to suffer their backwards mindset. Free yourself from such detrimental beliefs because there are no truths to be found in it.

Their tunnel vision, would begin at words, and who knows where else it could lead. They may begin to justify beating you because you are no longer following the rules, his rules, the only rules. Beware, and keep your wits about, stay safe.

Posted by rockyroadicecream
Set boundaries and don't tolerate the bs that most women get door matted over.

I cannot for the life of me, agree to this more.

Posted by TaurusinTexas
Always treat your partner better than a total stranger. Ppl tend to show strangers so much patience, kindness, understanding, we say please and thank you but not with their partners. I think you should treat your partner better than anyone else.

You are quite right TaurusinTexas, this really should be a given.

It is shocking how common it is, for the opposite to be true.

Posted by PootyButt
A big one for me is realizing that men are just as emotional and sensitive as we are on the inside. In general, we're allowed to talk about our feelings with each other more freely, so we come at it from a completely different angle. That's why a man will sometimes look like a deer in the headlights when you start talking about your feelings. You're literally talking about the verboten.

Very true, on the flip side of this coin. It does not mean a man should lack empathy either, expressing his emotions may be difficult but if a man truly cares. He would find a way to do so, either way. He would also carry great empathy for the emotional depths of his SO as well.

Posted by TheLadyScorpio

Posted by TaurusinTexas
Always treat your partner better than a total stranger. Ppl tend to show strangers so much patience, kindness, understanding, we say please and thank you but not with their partners. I think you should treat your partner better than anyone else.

You are quite right TaurusinTexas, this really should be a given.

It is shocking how common it is, for the opposite to be true.

click to expand

I think we get comfortable and forget and just take it for granted.

Posted by magma
That selfishness is the destroyer of relationships.

magma, without a doubt, yes.

A wise lesson that most should be aware of, if selfishness is found within yourself or your SO. It would only spell trouble.

Never try to see more to a man than what he portrays, do not believe his potential or change, believe in his past and present. For that is the real man in which you see.

Posted by Evoxxxscorpio
Major red flag no sex.

What do you mean?

Posted by Capri-sun
Red flags

- flakes/cancels on dates

- isn't a man/woman of his/her word

- disrespectful towards service staff

- the way they talk to their pets

- relationships with parents / children

- overly affectionate family members

- work history

- how they handle 1st argument/disagreement/not getting their way

This. These little details are very important to determine the path of a long term partnership.

Posted by PootyButt

Posted by TheLadyScorpio
Never try to see more to a man than what he portrays, do not believe his potential or change, believe in his past and present. For that is the real man in which you see.

This depends on age and what the person is doing, I think. Most people in their 20s haven't accomplished that much yet. Hell, most people are still working on that at 35 and 40. I think the thing to ask is, are they working, and are they working toward the same goals and not self-sabotaging? Are they making more progress than mistakes? Are they working as hard as you, and can you respect their level of work and accomplishment?

click to expand

I was speaking more of a man's character, rather than his work or career.

I've learned to appreciate people for who they are and not just what they do for you/ you feel around them.

To be careful around people who ask of you things they do not offer themselves.

Don't fill in the blanks with hopes and assumptions..... ask the questions, especially the hard ones.

Posted by TaurusinTexas
Don't fill in the blanks with hopes and assumptions..... ask the questions, especially the hard ones.

To continue along that line of thinking ...

If they do not respond, instead choosing to rage, or if they never give you an answer which fits the question - then rethink everything.

Posted by Evoxxxscorpio

Posted by Stensco21

Posted by Evoxxxscorpio
Major red flag no sex.

What do you mean?

It was a joke ?

click to expand

Oh I was wondering if you meant if you are in a relationship and they stop having sex that's a red flag lol

Stay single.

Set clear boundaries and expectations up front. This includes being ready for rejection and/or disappointment.

Don't set expectations for another that you would not be able to meet yourself.

Be honest.