How did you know/find out—

For those of you who have been cheated on (or been caught cheating), How did you know/find out?

*Did your partner confess?
*Did a 3rd party tell you?
*Did you walk in, catch them in the act or see it for yourself?
*Did you rely strictly on your gut intuition?

I'm curious to know how most people find out or how their partners found out if they were the ones doing the cheating.

It's rare that someone actually catches their partner in the actual act. Some men/women refuse to believe their partner is cheating (even if their friends and/or gut intuition is telling them so) UNTIL they can "see the proof" for themselves. I think this is silly, considering most people aren't actually lucky enough to physically catch the other person in the act.

Only 1 friend of mine found out this way, but of course the 1st thing that led her to do this was her gut intuition; she did alot of digging & invested alot of time & energy to catch him in the act..almost SO much time that we all felt it wasn't worth it. As the saying goes, "If you have to take your man to the Maury Povich show to make him take a lie detector test, he's probably NOT worth it!" lol

Plus, I find it funny that alot of people only find out b/c of trusting their friends and/or a 3rd parties words, but yet at the same time, so many people are told not to believe he-said/she-said, especially if it pertains to their relationship.


I think finding out that your partner has cheated is a 3 step process. 1st, your gut intuition bells start ringing. Then, if you ask the right/certain people, they'll start throwing hints that they too think your partner is cheating. The last step, if you're lucky is to actually catch them in the act. I say this b/c most people won't admit/confess that they've cheated unless they truly believe they're caught up. And hell, even then some people STILL lie & say, "It wasn't me!"

My X cheated on me with his dog. He confessed. That makes it incredibly hard to know what to do. Obviously that is disgusting, degrading and just plain WRONG. But.. he confessed. Well anyway we are broken up now, 'nuff said.

Posted by Skykomish
My X cheated on me with his dog. He confessed. That makes it incredibly hard to know what to do. Obviously that is disgusting, degrading and just plain WRONG. But.. he confessed. Well anyway we are broken up now, 'nuff said.

WTF?! by dog are we actually talking about his pet—? Did he think you were going to be ok with that?

Posted by Skykomish
My X cheated on me with his dog. He confessed. That makes it incredibly hard to know what to do. Obviously that is disgusting, degrading and just plain WRONG. But.. he confessed. Well anyway we are broken up now, 'nuff said.

I'm assuming this was a joke...(well, I'm PRAYING she was joking)

Anywho, That I actually know of, I've been cheated on twice. And both times, I found out through word of mouth. My friends tried to warn me & hint to me that some cheating on his part might've been going on but of course they had a bit of trouble just coming right out & saying it b/c they were't 100% sure, nor were they sure how I'd take it. To their surprise, I believed most of what they said. These were 2 women I trusted & who'd given me NO reason to discredit them throughout our entire 14 years of friendship.

The arrogant bastard was cheating on me out in public & my 2 friends just so happend to see him. They saw him with another girl & according to his & the girl's body language, he gave off the impression that this other girl wasn't necessarily "just a friend" if ya know what I mean. But I'm glad they told me b/c I def. believed them, especially since they had plenty of details & didn't seem to have anything to gain by telling me. I eventually asked the arrogant bastard who the girl was with the red shirt & boots on, was. I purposely asked him in this way so he'd know up front that obviously, I must've seen something (even though I hadn't). I worded my questions in ways that would make him think I caught him red handed so he didn't have a choice but to confess =) Chi CHING!

He wanted me to find out. Either that or he thought he was just that brilliant. I was in the kitchen, he was in the bathroom on his cell phone graphically telling her how he would help her take medicine. Nice eh?

Posted by venusianbull
He wanted me to find out. Either that or he thought he was just that brilliant. I was in the kitchen, he was in the bathroom on his cell phone graphically telling her how he would help her take medicine. Nice eh?

wtf

My first boyfriend (more like friends who hold hands, lol) "cheated" on me with my best friend's friend/neighbor (she was a hobag anyway, even at age 15.) My best friend knew (was there) and didn't even tell me...the hobag bragged about it to another mutual friend who told me.


It was no biggie really considering it wasn't even a real relationship and I was like 14. He was older than me, and so was she, by like a year. But it sucked learning that early that boys lie and friends are aren't who you think they are.

i've been cheated on twice.
the first was with my first boyfriend, when i was 14. i found out thru a couple of friends.

the second was in an adult relationship. i found out because his facebook was up on my computer and he had left a chat up with one of his female "friends". yeah, i read the conversation and it confirmed everything i already felt about their "friendship".

No, not joking. Wish I was.

Posted by brianafay

Posted by venusianbull
He wanted me to find out. Either that or he thought he was just that brilliant. I was in the kitchen, he was in the bathroom on his cell phone graphically telling her how he would help her take medicine. Nice eh?

wtf

click to expand

YEP. I was at the stove in the kitchen, bathroom offshoots from there, and I could hear every word.

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiii...

What a gentleman. :/

I caught my ExH cheating when a woman showed up at a friends house to tell him she couldn't meet with him that night. I asked her who she was, she said his gf and asked who I was, I said his wife.

Posted by MysticRam
@ VB, Elle, and Bluefish - I have a feeling your exes will experience a karmic retribution so awful they won't even know what the f $ % * hit them. They are probably too thick headed to learn the lesson and face themselves, so they will repeat their mistakes thereby living in their misery for a long period of time. Very sad for them, but you reap what you sow I suppose.

She's already cheated on him. Kind of chirks a girl up. Makes her feel all warm and cozy inside. Like a hot chocolate on a winters eve.

HA! I think our gut instincts are wayyyyy better than binoculars, spyware and/or he-said/she-said any day!

But so many people don't like to give credit to their instincts/intuitions b/c they think it's the same as being insecure OR they're afraid that they might be wrong. Understandable but man, doesn't it always suck when we've gone through ALLLL of that detective work only to find out that our intuitions were right the entire time! Had we just listened to our intuitions from the beginning, we could've saved ourselves from alotttt of wasted energy/time. Hindsight 20/20 is a mf!

And let's not even get on the number of people who get caught up through facebook! It's like dude, if you're gonna have a mistress or other women on the side, DO NOT give yourself away by having those women be all over you online. NO, your girlfriend isn't invading your privacy or being nosy when she sees that stuff. That stuff is on the WORLD WIDE WEB, meaning the entire world can see it, if they really wanted to!

I swear, cheaters nowadays are getting careless! Now looking back, half of the times men have cheated, it was obvious. Half the time it doesn't even take all of that extra inspector gadget detective work to catch them up. Most of the time they give themselves away before you can even get the binoculars out.

Question is though, once your instints bells start ringing, then what? No 1 can fault you if you do your detective work & find out that they were cheating, BUT that very same person would be called insecure/possessive/controlling/nosy, etc. if she did all that detective work & found out her partner was NOT cheating though! I swear, I think some women purposely don't do the detective work b/c they fear being labeled "insecure" more than they fear actually being cheated on! smh

@Ellesque: Well as the saying goes, "IF YOU LEAVE THE ONE YOU LOVE FOR THE ONE YOU LIKE, THEY WILL IN RETURN LEAVE THE ONE THEY LIKE (YOUR AZS) FOR THE ONE THEY LOVE (SOMEONE ELSE, BUDDY!)."

Posted by QLIbraMale

Posted by ellessque
I already received some karma retribution. when i left him he moved in with one of his flings. she got pregnant. lived happily ever after, then she got pregnant again. they lived happily ever after.....until she confessed the second one wasn't his and threw his ass out.

sweet karma right there.

i rather enjoyed that happy ending lol.

click to expand

I'm sure that other woman never really forgot how scandalous that guy did you. She remembered that in the back of her head & probably at some point, decided not to fully invest her all into such a guy who would do such a thing.

Mistresses/the "other woman" aren't as dumb sometimes as we think. When their heads are in the clouds & when they're going through those honeymoon stages with someone else's man, they don't care who that man has hurt as long as they've got him now. BUT, at some point, what goes up MUST come down & I'm sure that after awhile even mistresses have to have that "Is he even really worth it?" talk with themselves. They NEVER forget how bad he did his original girlfriend. And sometimes, after remembering that, they'll do exactly what he did---they'll never really trust or invest in that guy b/c they don't want to end up like the original girlfriend. That's why alot of them will eventually go on to do all the cheating, even though one would think it'd be the other way around! Once they "hook" em, they'll eventually get back to their senses.

Dummies! Guys should memorize this: If another woman is scandalous enough to break up a happy home, what makes you think she'll have any morals in the fidelity department?!"

Posted by MysticRam
@ VB - Funny how like attracts like huh? 😉

Indeed. Yea and verily man, go forth and enjoy the festering idiot YOU have chosen. I wish you every happiness and joy.
😈

Walked in on them.

I have been cheated on once. Well, actually, I have been cheated on multiple times but it was by the same offender.

The first time it happened I found out through a good friend of mine who was kind of a mutual friend. She went out with him once with another mutual friend of ours and I had to stay back because of work so I couldn't go with. Out of loyalty to me my friend told me the next day that him and the other mutual friend were making out hardcore at this club.

I had always had an intuitive, gut feeling that he was messing around on me but he was my very first bf/love, I was a teenager, and I thought I was just being one of those insecure girls so I ignored it.

I didn't find out about the other times until after I broke up with him. Then a couple other of my good friends stepped forward (months later) and confessed that they knew he was cheating on me with my best friend at the time.

Posted by CappyyLuv30
OK throwing this out there out of curiosity....I know men cheat because they CAN. (whatever)

But do you think men are driven to it? Do you think they cheat because the significant other did something wrong in the relationship? This could go for men or women actually.

I've asked other men this question and they say no. They say that cheating has nothing to do with anything we did. I don't know if I completely believe that. Granted, some men are downright idiots that are willing to walk out on a good thing but what if the girl/wife is a crazy lunatic then maybe his actions are justified (wrong choice of words but you get it).

Thoughts?

I think people can be driven to it. Doesnt justify or excuse it but it is an explanation. When I cheated I felt I was driven to it, but I could have quite easily just ended the relationship which is what I should have done. I would never cheat on someone then beg them to take me back. When I cheated it was because I had tried everything humanly possible to tell the other person that I was unhappy, and why I was unhappy. They continued to act the same way and before I knew it I was in the arms of someone who was giving me everything my partner wasnt. I am an emotional cheat (the worse kind really) I think when you start talking to someone else on an emotional level about why you are unhappy then it is a downward spiral. Like I said I do not condone cheating but I do think that maybe people who are continuosly cheated on maybe need to take a look at themself and see if there is anything they are doing that is causing the behaviour.

Some people cant help them self, and drop their pants for anyone who's up for it with no consideration for their partner. But with the ex I am talking about when we got together he said that everyone every ex had cheated on him and after my two year relationship I could see why!

A guy recently that I was considering being with, after talking to him about his ex I realised that if I had been them I would have cheated on him too, I told him he needed to change his attitude towards relationships. At first he didnt appreciate the advise but then after a while he realised that in a way he had been neglecting her and if he had been giving her what she needed (him emotionally as well as physically) then maybe it wouldnt have happened, or maybe she was just a ho, who knows! lol

Things just changed. I was working a lot trying to get OT to help with bills. She picked up a part time job. She started coming home later and later. I knew something was wrong. I tried to talk to her but she was holding back. One night she just didn't come home. I got the kids up and off to school. I tried calling her but couldn't get an answer. She had went to her sisters house the night before to have a few drinks so I called there, her sister said she left around mid-night. I called on-star to make sure she wasn't in an accident, they confirmed the car was fine. They actually called the car and said they spoke to her and she was okay but that she didn't want to talk to me. I went to work. She called me shortly after. I confronted her and she confessed. I hung up and went back to work. I got sent home shortly after I got there (I was a wreck). I came home and picked up my kids and took them to the park so they could play and I could clear my head.

It was all down hill from there.

😢

Posted by CappyyLuv30
OK throwing this out there out of curiosity....I know men cheat because they CAN. (whatever)

But do you think men are driven to it? Do you think they cheat because the significant other did something wrong in the relationship? This could go for men or women actually.

I've asked other men this question and they say no. They say that cheating has nothing to do with anything we did. I don't know if I completely believe that. Granted, some men are downright idiots that are willing to walk out on a good thing but what if the girl/wife is a crazy lunatic then maybe his actions are justified (wrong choice of words but you get it).

Thoughts?

All second or third hand knowledge here, but from what I've seen/heard... we don't need a reason. Sometimes there is one, maybe he is lacking something at home (physical or emotional) that he finds with the new fling. Some guys just like the thrill of the chase and that does loose some of its flair when you are in a relationship. Some people like to see if they can get away with it. Some people just want to know they "still have it".

Ultimately, no matter what reason anyone gives it all boils down to a lack of respect for the cheated partner and the cheater only caring about themselves. I'll catch heat for saying this but it is a personality defect in my opinion. This is the only time that I think the "it's not you it's me" answer can be legitimately given.

But no, no one is "driven" to cheat. They choose to do it.

I think that if the grass looks greener on the other side it means you need to take care of your own yard better.

I'm with Bombeck about the grass. It's greener over the SEPTIC TANK.

Posted by amethyst2002
I can see WHY SOME guys cheat. In several cases, I've noticed that the cheating was done because SOMEONE was unhappy. It caused them to stray and so on. It's not an excuse that makes it okay, but I can see why it'd drive someone to do it. The fact that they follow through says a lot about them, though.
.

Hey, I can't knock anyone who comes to the realization that their partner just isn't doing it for them anymore. There's nothing wrong with acknowledging that you're in the wrong relationship or that your needs aren't being fulfilled. Things change, people change, not to mention every relationship isn't meant to last forever.

BUT I can't respect someone who goes OUTSIDE of their relationship to fix the issues they're having INSIDE the relationship. If you're THAT damn unhappy, move on. but don't punish your partner or make them pay/suffer all b/c you didn't have the balls to move on.

Even if your needs are shallow, that's fine, BUT don't go get them fulfilled from an outsider at your partner's expense.

You may wish your partner communicated with you better or had more sex with you. Hey, that's fine. BUT guess what? Since you feel entitled to your needs being met 24-7, REMEMBER that your partner feels entitled to a partner that is faithful. The minute you cheat, you no longer have a valid complaint against your partner b/c 9 times out of 10, what they aren't doing is not NEARLY as bad as what you're really doing behind closed doors. So if anything, the one who cheats is usually the one who needs to be left behind b/c they aren't fulfilling their relationship duties (not the other way around)

Phone bill. We lived together and I had suspicions so one month I combed the phone bill. Saw an unfamiliar number and called it. I got her answering machine and when I heard her name I remembered she was the freak making emergency breakthroughs the year before. Oh forgot to mention it was an outgoing call at 2:30am. 😢

I had a gut feeling that things weren't right with my spouse.

her friend was walking around with the letter my ex worte her about cheating on me. So i snatched the letter read it wit h anger and when i found my ex, she lied and denied it so i made her read it out loud so she could hear what she wrote, i felt dumb as fucc

with my leo - my intuition and their sloppiness helped me find out
with the fish - i did a surprise pop-up at his house and found him with another girl

My spouse just recently cheated 4 months ago and iam trying to get him back to thinking my wife is sexy
I bought a corset black and ruffled panties to match it and he didn't say anything he looked at me in amazement and well one thing leads to another you know
But when I asked. If I looked cute he said yes and I didn't want that reaction I wanted him to say no you look hot or sexy
I didn't want him to say cute
So what's a girl to do to get her man saying you look hot baby

Gut feeling and men being complete idiots when cheating, didn't help the cause.

Phone confirmed it.


I took him back after I made him jump through hoops, but then left him soon after. Attraction was no longer there.

I'm sure that other woman never really forgot how scandalous that guy did you. She remembered that in the back of her head & probably at some point, decided not to fully invest her all into such a guy who would do such a thing.

Mistresses/the "other woman" aren't as dumb sometimes as we think. When their heads are in the clouds & when they're going through those honeymoon stages with someone else's man, they don't care who that man has hurt as long as they've got him now. BUT, at some point, what goes up MUST come down & I'm sure that after awhile even mistresses have to have that "Is he even really worth it?" talk with themselves. They NEVER forget how bad he did his original girlfriend. And sometimes, after remembering that, they'll do exactly what he did---they'll never really trust or invest in that guy b/c they don't want to end up like the original girlfriend. That's why alot of them will eventually go on to do all the cheating, even though one would think it'd be the other way around! Once they "hook" em, they'll eventually get back to their senses.

Dummies! Guys should memorize this: If another woman is scandalous enough to break up a happy home, what makes you think she'll have any morals in the fidelity department?!"



If it was such a "happy home" should the guy even be cheating in the first place??

1st cheater: Told me himself after he "almost" cheated. Then told me himself after he really did. He wanted an open relationship and thought he could talk me into it.

2nd cheater: Forgot to close the internet window with his emailed letters to her, so I hit the "back" button and there they were.

3rd cheater: Let me know a band we both liked was playing. I never got back to him about it, just made a mental note to be there. Turns out he had gone ahead and invited another woman and we both showed up.

pure intuition and than detective work, even when my friends were more positive about the outcome...I was right all 3 times. sucks to be right so many times.