Is she genuine with me?

Hi guys...I have a question regarding a female acquaintance (if I can call her that) whom I met in September of 2017 at Marc Jacobs store in Beverly Hills. She is from overseas and was traveling through NY and LA (the city where I live) with her mom at that time. We stood in a very long line for the fitting rooms and that's how we got acquainted by small talk/chit-chats. She seems very nice and it happened that we exchanged each other's #s per her initiation. She said that she and her mom were going to go to a certain place the day after and she invited me along with my friend who I was hanging out with in B.H. The next day I had to go to my friend's funeral in the morning out of town and came back in the afternoon and wasn't feeling like driving or going anywhere for the rest of the day, so when she texted me, I politely declined explaining why I can't go out. So in two days, she left to her country as her two-week trip was over and she seldom kept in touch. So that was her 1st LA trip.

Fast forward to February 2018 when she visits LA again after a few months of her initial visit as she loved it here but this time alone and for 3 long weeks, so since we kept touch once in a while (her initiation) and I knew she didn't have anyone here, I offered to pick her up from the airport knowing that it's a nice thing to do. We hung out twice from what I remember back then and I made a mistake promising her to hang out in a few places like take her to Santa Barbara etc, but I didn't deliver my promise because I was busy and at that time feeling down over a man, so I wasn't into going out much. Also, I realized how much driving around that would be, so that was my mistake telling her we will go here and there. She did, however, give me a present when she was here (some make-up from Rihanna's Fenty line), but I feel like she did it because she assumed that I would be hanging out with her driving her around, so she wanted to compensate me for it as a nice gesture of gratitude. I feel like she thought that she found a friend here who will constantly hang out with her and drive her around and I just don't have the time for it. If she had moved here permanently, then I would have invested more time into our acquaintanceship to turn it into a friendship. I just didn't feel like driving her somewhere new every couple of days not to mention the horrific LA traffics and the distance. SHe was staying in West Hollywood, so that's like 40 minutes of drive from me just to pick her up and then driver her anywhere that's minimum of another 30 minutes, then take her somewhere else for that much time, then head back to her rental for that long and then me head back to my house for that long. It's very tiring for me to drive around so much. She left that February mad I think because I texted her good-bye but she didn't respond to me until several months had passed and she texted me out of the blue saying that she wants to come and study here in LA (She loves it here).

Now fast forward to July 2019 and she is back for the 3rd time but changed her mind about her study plans and only visiting for 10 days and staying in West Hollywood again. I picked her up again this time from the airport and was waiting at the airport for an hour, then spent half of July 4th with her in Santa Monica until late at night. I came home So tired you have no idea as if someone had physically beaten me up that day lol with so much walking and also getting stuck in traffic. I felt very overwhelmed. I said to myself that it's ok, I did promise her to take her places the 2nd time she visited LA and I didn't "deliver" so this is my nice gesture for her to pick her up from the airport again and take her out, which I did.

What I am trying to figure out is whether she likes me as a friend/acquaintance or she is looking out for her own interests being here without a car and not minding to be driven around for free in my new Mercedes-Benz rather than an Uber rides that she has to pay for, plus having someone to go out with instead of wandering around alone. Since she isn't a friend, but an acquaintance, I feel bad that I a not hanging out with her but then I think to myself how am I obligated to her anywhere to feel guilty or bad that I am not taking her out. I feel like I am thinking from an 'empat' perspective because I barely know her, emt her a few times before and she is the one who is gaining from our acquaintance because I'm rpetty much her Uber driver in LA, so it is my time and money on gas that I am spending to take her out and I feel guilty that she keeps contacting me to wanting to see me, so I don't know if it's whether she wants my 'service' or she genuinely wants to hang out with me. I wonder if she would be taking me out had I gone to her country for a visit lol I did tell her how busy I am, but for example this morning she texted me askign me when she will see me and it's a Monday and I go to work from morning until 4, then I have evening classes with just 1 hour break in between during the weekdays where I spent it on eating, getting some rest before headign out. I also didn't like how she left without responding to my good-bye text the last time just because she was mad inside that I didn't fulfill my promises to take her here and there although I had picked her up from the airport and also hung out with her another day during her 3 week stay back then. Any thoughts as to whether I am wrong here or right to feel like I'm not obligated to take out someone I barely know?

Why are you picking her up from the airport?

Let her call an uber like the rest of us.

You sound like a true LA person. Logistics of traveling around lol.

You offered yourself as a uber and her broke ass gladly took you up on it.

You aren't wrong to feel like you shouldn't be obligated to entertain her. You issue is, you aren't truthful about saying no, so you just say yes, and then flake later. And that is wrong.

This topic just called me poor

This is above me now

Ummm I had a friend fly in this past weekend and stay with me. Didn't pick her up from the airport and I've known her 10 years. She didn't expect me to either, lax is a shit show. Your doing too much imo. Especially if the drive tires you out to the point that you don't have the energy to do fun stuff with her.

Next time let her grab a lyft to the hotel and pick her up for the day for some fun adventures. Build your friendship by spending quality time together, instead of being her glorified driver.

She did remind me yesterday that I had mentioned to her that we can go to Santa Barbara lol....I was stupid enough to suggest that a while ago when she visited the 2nd time but then realized how much time and $ I would need to spend on that trip. I did explain this to her that Santa Barbara is a full day commitment for me as I have to drive two hours there and back and that it's best to stay there overnight for anyone visiting the city to get the full effect of it. I need to learn to say no more I guess. The only reason why I picked her up again this time because I had promised her a few places during her 2nd visit, so since I didn't deliver, I felt kinda guilty and decided to do a nice gesture this time. The last time she was here (the 2nd trip), she was about to leave to go back home but someone told her that there's an interview opportunity and she should try it in case she gets hired (illegally) and she wanted to stay in the US, so she told me about it that in order to stay for her interview, she needs to extend her trip for another week but her Airbnb rental was ending and she didn't have a place to stay lol .... I took it as a hint to try to help her for a few days of stay at my place otherwise why not rent another Airbnb, right? Had I said 'yes' I would have been consummed with her 24/7 in my own house and I just don't have the time to put my life to the side for her.

Posted by fem_fem_fem

She did remind me yesterday that I had mentioned to her that we can go to Santa Barbara lol....I was stupid enough to suggest that a while ago when she visited the 2nd time but then realized how much time and $ I would need to spend on that trip. I did explain this to her that Santa Barbara is a full day commitment for me as I have to drive two hours there and back and that it's best to stay there overnight for anyone visiting the city to get the full effect of it. I need to learn to say no more I guess. The only reason why I picked her up again this time because I had promised her a few places during her 2nd visit, so since I didn't deliver, I felt kinda guilty and decided to do a nice gesture this time. The last time she was here (the 2nd trip), she was about to leave to go back home but someone told her that there's an interview opportunity and she should try it in case she gets hired (illegally) and she wanted to stay in the US, so she told me about it that in order to stay for her interview, she needs to extend her trip for another week but her Airbnb rental was ending and she didn't have a place to stay lol .... I took it as a hint to try to help her for a few days of stay at my place otherwise why not rent another Airbnb, right? Had I said 'yes' I would have been consummed with her 24/7 in my own house and I just don't have the time to put my life to the side for her.

drop it like it's hot!!!

sounds to me like she is using you.

it's not like you guys have been talking all this time and forged a real close friendship. 😛

she is just using you. all the "dropping hints" and reminding you of your promises...she caught on you're easily guilted into things and she's playing it.

you just need to grow a pair and say No.

I did tell her that I will let her know if my schedule eases up a little lol....i didn't say anything specific and i dont want to say NO im not going to see u but she got the hint since my response wasn't promising at all.

Seems like you keep offering and she keeps on taking you up on it. Learn to say, "I will meet you here." Problem solved.

Thanks guys for your advice. I did tell her that if I find a free time I'll let her know...i had told her many times that it's a busy period for me...anyways, she read my text and didn't even reply. When I didn't hang out with her last Friday she left without replying to my good-bye as if to show me that she's mad. If she leaves without a good-bye herself this time, i will drop her for good next time she comes will not even respond. I don't like it when u do something for someone and they get used to it, and the minute u decline or can't make the time, they become passive-aggressive with you or ignore you lol. That shows that they are users and don't appreciate what was done but they concentrate on what wasn't done after.

Posted by LadyNeptune

Ummm I had a friend fly in this past weekend and stay with me. Didn't pick her up from the airport and I've known her 10 years. She didn't expect me to either, lax is a shit show. Your doing too much imo. Especially if the drive tires you out to the point that you don't have the energy to do fun stuff with her.

Next time let her grab a lyft to the hotel and pick her up for the day for some fun adventures. Build your friendship by spending quality time together, instead of being her glorified driver.

Right! You *build* by " spending quality time together". Period. This is turning into an issue because you've made it one. STOP picking her up and then regretting it later 🤦 That simple.

Posted by Rising

Posted by fem_fem_fem

She did remind me yesterday that I had mentioned to her that we can go to Santa Barbara lol....I was stupid enough to suggest that a while ago when she visited the 2nd time but then realized how much time and $ I would need to spend on that trip. I did explain this to her that Santa Barbara is a full day commitment for me as I have to drive two hours there and back and that it's best to stay there overnight for anyone visiting the city to get the full effect of it. I need to learn to say no more I guess. The only reason why I picked her up again this time because I had promised her a few places during her 2nd visit, so since I didn't deliver, I felt kinda guilty and decided to do a nice gesture this time. The last time she was here (the 2nd trip), she was about to leave to go back home but someone told her that there's an interview opportunity and she should try it in case she gets hired (illegally) and she wanted to stay in the US, so she told me about it that in order to stay for her interview, she needs to extend her trip for another week but her Airbnb rental was ending and she didn't have a place to stay lol .... I took it as a hint to try to help her for a few days of stay at my place otherwise why not rent another Airbnb, right? Had I said 'yes' I would have been consummed with her 24/7 in my own house and I just don't have the time to put my life to the side for her.

drop it like it's hot!!!

sounds to me like she is using you.

it's not like you guys have been talking all this time and forged a real close friendship. 😛

she is just using you. all the "dropping hints" and reminding you of your promises...she caught on you're easily guilted into things and she's playing it.

you just need to grow a pair and say No.

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Yep!

It's funny whenever I can't meet her and tell her that I am busy, she goes silent lol like she could have said 'hey, it's ok i understand that's too bad u can't make it."

There are SO many ways to get rid of people without violence...😇

Posted by greylatern

Posted by fem_fem_fem . I feel like I am Any thoughts as to whether I am wrong here or right to feel like I'm not obligated to take out someone I barely know?

Going to have to play the devil's advocate here although I have a feeling it's the opposite.

This is on you.

You made promises you didn't or can't keep. Had you been genuine with your interest, you would have corrnated with her and had her stay closer. It would have removed most of the issues.

On her end.

Going to another country alone and being female, is a big deal. As well as expensive... You didn't say where see was from. Most cultures would assume your promise shows your actual level of investment in your friendship. It would also be incredibly rude to call you on your behavior. Hense, the passive agressive zero responses. Then add the fact you still engaged her after the fact and still wasn't honest about your feelings. That would be confusing to anyone. Yes her 3rd trip had a purpose beyond just you. Still doesn't justify your actions. You could have been honest.

I believe deep down a part of you already knows this and you feel bad correct?

That is why you are posting this. Why there is do much rationalization why you shouldn't follow through, after the fact and trying to find alternative motives on her end, to justify your actions. Because if you really felt you did nothing wrong, you wouldn't be posting this looking for approval of your actions in enabling the situation. That is what is really bothering you correct?

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I think you are full of it....why in the world would I have her stay close to me? Who is she to me? She made her plans, booked her tickets because she loved LA during her 1st visit. It's a person I met for an hour on her 1st visit....why would I invite her or tell her where to stay...what does she have anything to do with me regarding the trip? You sound like I brought her here LOLOL seriously...please read my post again you seem to be confused. I picked up a total stranger from the airport...isn't that enough?! You sound like I also had to pay for her accommodation here lol. And how is her own expense or the fact that she's a female going overseas have anything to do with me...like how is that MY problem again?! Are you claiming that just because she is a female from overseas I have to babysit a stranger in my hometown to keep them entertained while I put my life to the side for her? What do you mean "looking for approval of your actions in enabling the situation" again...i picked up the person twice from the airport, spent most of the day with her putting away my own plans, paid for her dinner and coffee, drove around 3 hours in total for her to take her places in just one day each time....im really not sure what it is that I've done wrong for a complete stranger. The only mistake was that I said we can go here and there, but when I realized that she is staying in West Hollywood that's far from me, I can't be bothered to drive to her for a minimum of 40 minutes (if there's no traffic) to pick her up then drive 2 hours to Santa Barbara, then driver her around there for the whole day, then drive back for another 2 hours. I'm quite not sure how I'm obligated all this a stranger EVEN if I made the mistake suggesting these places to go. You sound like I owe her something. I keep making it clear that I am busy yet she doesn't get it, even today she texted me saying she wants to see me and asked me to put my errands to the side if I can lol. I bet if I suggest her to take uber and come and see me, she will never do it. Please read the damn post before making wrong assumptions.

Posted by Arielle83

Maybe she likes you romantically?

LMAO nooo im sure that's not the case.

Posted by greylatern

Posted by fem_fem_fem

Posted by greylatern

Posted by fem_fem_fem . I feel like I am Any thoughts as to whether I am wrong here or right to feel like I'm not obligated to take out someone I barely know?

Going to have to play the devil's advocate here although I have a feeling it's the opposite.

This is on you.

You made promises you didn't or can't keep. Had you been genuine with your interest, you would have corrnated with her and had her stay closer. It would have removed most of the issues.

On her end.

Going to another country alone and being female, is a big deal. As well as expensive... You didn't say where see was from. Most cultures would assume your promise shows your actual level of investment in your friendship. It would also be incredibly rude to call you on your behavior. Hense, the passive agressive zero responses. Then add the fact you still engaged her after the fact and still wasn't honest about your feelings. That would be confusing to anyone. Yes her 3rd trip had a purpose beyond just you. Still doesn't justify your actions. You could have been honest.

I believe deep down a part of you already knows this and you feel bad correct?

That is why you are posting this. Why there is do much rationalization why you shouldn't follow through, after the fact and trying to find alternative motives on her end, to justify your actions. Because if you really felt you did nothing wrong, you wouldn't be posting this looking for approval of your actions in enabling the situation. That is what is really bothering you correct?

I think you are full of it....why in the world would I have her stay close to me? Who is she to me? She made her plans, booked her tickets because she loved LA during her 1st visit. It's a person I met for an hour on her 1st visit....why would I invite her or tell her where to stay...what does she have anything to do with me regarding the trip? You sound like I brought her here LOLOL seriously...please read my post again you seem to be confused. I picked up a total stranger from the airport...isn't that enough?! You sound like I also had to pay for her accommodation here lol. And how is her own expense or the fact that she's a female going overseas have anything to do with me...like how is that MY problem again?! Are you claiming that just because she is a female from overseas I have to babysit a stranger in my hometown to keep them entertained while I put my life to the side for her? What do you mean "looking for approval of your actions in enabling the situation" again...i picked up the person twice from the airport, spent most of the day with her putting away my own plans, paid for her dinner and coffee, drove around 3 hours in total for her to take her places in just one day each time....im really not sure what it is that I've done wrong for a complete stranger. The only mistake was that I said we can go here and there, but when I realized that she is staying in West Hollywood that's far from me, I can't be bothered to drive to her for a minimum of 40 minutes (if there's no traffic) to pick her up then drive 2 hours to Santa Barbara, then driver her around there for the whole day, then drive back for another 2 hours. I'm quite not sure how I'm obligated all this a stranger EVEN if I made the mistake suggesting these places to go. You sound like I owe her something. I keep making it clear that I am busy yet she doesn't get it, even today she texted me saying she wants to see me and asked me to put my errands to the side if I can lol. I bet if I suggest her to take uber and come and see me, she will never do it. Please read the damn post before making wrong assumptions.

You made plans with her for her next visit. My point about social culture still stands. My point about you no telling her no, especially 2nd visit, still stands. You being too nice and engaging her still stands. You enabled that behavior.

What is it that you do not understand about the "devil's advocate"? There is a lot of assumptions on your part regarding her in your post regarding her intentions as well. I merely flipped them and offered a different narrative to the story. That is what devil's advocate is.

The possibility that she was genuine about a friendship with you. She could genuinely not be just a user. Just assumed to much about your intentions, investment level, and was nieve. No her coming her is not on you and reread the last sentence before this one as to why

she might have done so.

What she was doing was impossing too much on you. 100% agree. AGAIN She simply could have been nieve.

At any point did you tell her that? It's a communication issue. It isn't enough to blow her off even with legitimate reasons.

Draw your boundaries and speak your mind honestly to her.

Your fustration with her is 100% understandable. I've had similar issues with people in the past as well. It happens. Live and learn.

I went off of what you said but you didn't mention every other detail obviously. A simple "no I don't think that could be the case" would have been enough. Thanks.

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Again, my mistake was to suggest a couple of places to go, but the last time I do remember how she kept reminding me about them several times already seeing that I didn't have the time to invest in her. I didn't like how she kept reminding me of my suggestions to go here and there because had I seen someone isn't taking me here and there in the city, I wouldn't suggest to be taken outside of the city, that's just common sense. It's not like I signed a contract with her promising her tons of places....even if I gave her my word, things change anyways, plus I did suggest that she takes a tour to Santa Barbara for the whole day. I keep and kept letting her know that I am busy yet she keeps asking me when she will see me and quite honestly, after the last text last night, I'm quite annoyed now about this....she's just being rude now and inconsiderate to me. I'm not sure how many time I had to tell her that Im busy not to mention that I told her my weekdays are booked with my work and schooling so she knew this in advance. Plus, I don't like how I suggested friday to meet up because I figured that on Friday my class was canceled and we could go to the beach for a walk as I need to get back into shape myself, so it's a win-win situation for both and not that I'm only going out of my way for her, but she goes 'i dont think im available on friday anyways" and then suggested that I escape from my errands lol to meet her. I'm not sure as a tourist what's so important that on friday she can't meet up which is the only free evening that I need to escape from my errands and drive 2 hours back and forth to see her. For other days I told her im busy but she keeps saying how she'd like to see me like a dumbass as if she doesn't get the hint that the person is BUSY for the 5th time since she arrived last week. Now Im more annoyed that I keep have to explain myself why im busy as if to feel guilty somehow which I know I shouldn't because I dont owe her anything at all, and that just because she keeps repeating herself, BUT she never said why on friday she's not available lol so i need to stop explaining where i ahve to be or do for which i can't meet her myself if she's not explaning herself to me.

I wanted to update....so she left I obviously didn't offer to drop her off at the airport after writing this message. She didn't say good-bye so I did text her while she was in the plane saying "it's a Saturday and I remember you are leaving today so I wanted to wish you a safe flight" so then she texted me when her plane landed saying "oh hun i wrote u a text but forgot to click send before i was leaving and made sure to mention that he had found a friend during her stay so they went to hang out in lots of places 🙂 anyways so of course she's lying that she supposedly tried sending me a good by text but forgot to click send....she left without even saying goodbye and was probably embarrassed when she got a text from me wishing her a safe flight. when she left last year too when i spent with her two full days, she didn't even say bye then and left although I did say good bye before her plane boarded and she saw my message but never bothered to reply only after many month later when she was planning to visit again. anyways, next time i wont even bother with her a minute.