Red Flags

Have you ever looked back at failed relationships and realized there were definitely some red flags that this was never going to work..

I'll start with my experiences..

1) Two dates and wants to be my boyfriend. Rushing in- usually means they are trying to snag you before you realize how horrible they really are

2)Uses pet names like "Honey" "Sweetie" "beautiful" Usually means they like to keep it generic so in case of a wrong text it can be explained away.

I guess pet naming is just not for me.
maybe I went a little overboard with my reason why. It just feels too generic. I'm really observant as to whether someone is comfortable using my name or not so when they use pet names instead it feels gross.

@beautifuldisaster
Its so funny to see other peoples red flags.3 out of the 5 things you mentioned I totally do.

Not to be a red flag either lol

Non communicative- when people ask me to open up, I look at them like "why, do you want to see into my soul?".

Never initiate- I spin complex webs and wait . I Dont like to feel obligated. I'm a loner so if I show interest its like that should be enough.

And also the sex thing. Sex and action is how I communicate. Words always feel empty and fall short.

Haha! I agree with you CL on No2! I found out that with a Leo player I was one of many "Beauiful"s

😄

Cynic: An idealist whose rose-colored glasses have been removed, snapped in two and stomped into the ground, immediately improving his vision.

My first relationship was with a cancerian, the first red flag was he would take me back to his house to shag and sneak me out in the morning so his parents or the cleaner wouldn't see me. Second red flag was he forgot my birthday. Third red flag he wasn't great in the sac.

Second BF was a pisces and the sex was off the hook! First red flag was he told me he loved me, second red flag was he had broken up with someone who was on holiday but she didn't know, third red flag was he turned into a crazy abusive lunatic everytime he was drunk, but the biggest red flag of all was that he would try and isolate me from my friends.

Posted by Gobshite

Posted by exoskeleton
there's always red flags right at the start.

and we ignore them and make excuses for them with rose coloured glasses on.

Recognising red flags early on comes with experience, hindsight and maturity. However, they often can't be identified during a first date.

If you're still ignoring red flags, well into your 30s, you really need to take a hard look at yourself.

Many of my recent exes or dates were dumped, within a short space of time, simply because those red flags were too obvious to ignore. Now, if I was in my teens or 20s, I could be forgiven for overlooking such warning signs.

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Gobs, what were the red flags that made you walk away?

My ex red flags: controlling of my time, didn't want me doing stuff with friends and family. He kept the worst of his personality well hidden until we had kids and I wasn't working.

Red flags I've witnessed with dates, and others: too fast with the instant "I love you" and love bombing. Lying. Rude towards service industry people. Only talks about self constantly. Selfish, degrading attitude about women. Delusional about self and life situation.

@tiziani nobody is inventing red flags for no reason.
There are people in this world who are non committal and like to portray themselves as available.

This is just a thread of the common denominator of people who either wasted our time or broke our hearts.

Why make the same mistake twice?

@aurora
Relationship fail when one party is non committal and other is looking for something more serious. Or because the two people are just not compatible for whatever reason. Perfection doesn't exist.

Is this thread making people mad?

@tiziani so I guess what your saying is that your red flag are people who have red flags to keep them from engaging fully in the relationship..

Hrmm... Interesting take.

Lol I'm just arguing with you to argue with you at this point. To each their own.

Posted by CapricornLaurie
Have you ever looked back at failed relationships and realized there were definitely some red flags that this was never going to work..

I'll start with my experiences..

1) Two dates and wants to be my boyfriend. Rushing in- usually means they are trying to snag you before you realize how horrible they really are

2)Uses pet names like "Honey" "Sweetie" "beautiful" Usually means they like to keep it generic so in case of a wrong text it can be explained away.

Lol!

lol, in case of wrong text 😆

Perhaps his mom will get a text from him calling her "honey-bunny love muffin"

@tiziani thanks for sharing your input. I get your perspective. I guess when your each a certain level of maturity and experience you won't need a red flag or "rules" to govern your dating/relationships. You'll just know.

@aurora maybe your just good at seeing through the bullshit easier. I personally like the idea of having "red flags" because I tend to take things at face value. If I'm open and honest, I expect the other person to be. And sometimes that's not the case. Sometimes people have ulterior motives like getting back at an ex, feeding their ego, getting laid etc.. When a red flag pops up, I take it with a grain of salt, like" this could be an issue let's see how it goes."

For me red flags aren't deal breakers that end relationships but more like slow down and think signs.

@gobshite at least you know what your not looking for. Helps push through all the bs.

One only has to visit dxp to realize that people always find fault in the other person for their own mistakes .... so that they can step in the same pile of shit over and again without guilt.

Posted by tiziani
I'm trying to say this without any sense of irony because I'm not referring to you personally, but I can honestly say the most non-committal people I've come across are those that hold onto to the notion of "red flags".

Any excuse to disengage from a relationship going wrong, and they'll find it.

I don't even have to be mad, to point this out. It's just all too frequent.

Like I said difference between maturity and just getting old.

"Red flags" is just a label. Call it learning from past mistakes, or growing wiser, or maturity. I think it's better to know what warning signs were in place to begin with, and then avoiding those things in the future than throwing caution to the wind, and repeating the same mistakes over and over. The only people who would want "red flags" label to disappear, IMO, are those that meet the criteria and don't want the masses to figure it out.....because then they have no victims....I mean partners. 😛

Posted by Gobshite

Posted by MoonArtist

Posted by Gobshite

Posted by exoskeleton
there's always red flags right at the start.

and we ignore them and make excuses for them with rose coloured glasses on.

Recognising red flags early on comes with experience, hindsight and maturity. However, they often can't be identified during a first date.

If you're still ignoring red flags, well into your 30s, you really need to take a hard look at yourself.

Many of my recent exes or dates were dumped, within a short space of time, simply because those red flags were too obvious to ignore. Now, if I was in my teens or 20s, I could be forgiven for overlooking such warning signs.

Gobs, what were the red flags that made you walk away?

Oh Lord, where do I start...

Based on the last five years, in no particular order:

One was indecisive about almost everything, much to the point that it became annoying (Libra).

Another kept on telling me what she thought I wanted to hear, and always seemed either anxious or hiding something (Pisces).

Another was utterly selfish, even though I gave her a couple of months to prove her worth. She still continued being selfish after we broke-up (Capricorn).

Another was lazy, manipulative, two-faced and always quick to criticise (Gemini).

Another was passive aggressive, messy, overbearing and bossy (Libra w Gemini moon).

Another freaked out on me because that 'third date' was looming, even though she initiated public intimacy between us. We had a disagreement about her behaviour, over the phone, and ended it there and then. An emotionally screwed-up woman, who refused to admit it (Aries).

Those are the main ones that I can recall.

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Sadly there are many who have issues and don't know how to fix them, or don't want to.

Posted by Gobshite

Posted by exoskeleton
there's always red flags right at the start.

and we ignore them and make excuses for them with rose coloured glasses on.

Recognising red flags early on comes with experience, hindsight and maturity. However, they often can't be identified during a first date.

If you're still ignoring red flags, well into your 30s, you really need to take a hard look at yourself.

Many of my recent exes or dates were dumped, within a short space of time, simply because those red flags were too obvious to ignore. Now, if I was in my teens or 20s, I could be forgiven for overlooking such warning signs.

click to expand

Gobshite on point.

I purposely look for, and try to root out red flags.

I try really hard NOT to like someone, and if I like them -- despite my baiting them into the red flag trap, then they passed the test and are now worthy of relationship consideration.

Posted by Ssupes
everyone has "red flags" if you look hard enough. Just saying.

Well, I'm not worried about anyone finding red flags with me. I'm either compatible or not, and people can take that or leave it. Why the fear of "red flags" as a label?.....unless you're fitting the criteria for "red flags".

Posted by Gobshite

Posted by MoonArtist
Sadly there are many who have issues and don't know how to fix them, or don't want to.

I ignored many red flags in my youth. I would be lying if I denied this.

However, there comes a time when enough is enough. Call it raising your game, if you will...

The only ones who should be criticised, regarding the whole concept of red flags, are those who either continuously ignore them or use them as a feeble excuse not to nurture a potentially healthy romantic relationship (e.g. a get out clause or 'buyer's remorse').

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I agree there! Anything can be used as an excuse.

@ssupes I often find that my intuition prevails over everything else. If I have a bad feeling its because there's something bad there.

Why wait for the downpour as proof of rain, when there are storm clouds on the horizon?

IMO a relationship is worth working on when there's already rapport and substantial time invested.

But if there are red flags from the start like lying or other character indicators like GS mentioned, its best to get out early.

Posted by CapricornLaurie
@ssupes I often find that my intuition prevails over everything else. If I have a bad feeling its because there's something bad there.

Why wait for the downpour as proof of rain, when there are storm clouds on the horizon?

IMO a relationship is worth working on when there's already rapport and substantial time invested.

But if there are red flags from the start like lying or other character indicators like GS mentioned, its best to get out early.

^^^THIS! +100

Young person perspective on flaws = "red flag"

Older person perspective on flaws = "pick ur poison"

We all have them...."flaws" ....young and older.

I think the term "red flags" is meant to denote those traits that warn of an abusive personality. Some red flags along those lines: tries to segregate you from your friends and family, controlling of finances, your time, etc, lack of control of temper, disrespectful......you get the idea.