Hot and cold, pissed him off, help

Sorry but this might get long. There is background. I have known my scorpio for about 3 years. The relationship part just started last month. It has been intense and wearing already. Heres the background:

I met him through his best friend, who is also one of my good friends. I have known the friend for 20+ years, and friends with benefits is an arrangement we have fallen into and out of over the years. Besides that, it has always been strictly friends. We have not been messing around for a while now. And i think my scorpio noticed that, and thats why he finally reached out to me. Over the course of the 3 years since I met my scorpio at our friends house, I see him about weekly. He never made a move until last month. He texted me, confessed he has been into me for a really long time and went hard trying to get me. I took pause, as I was concerned it would change the dynamics of a place I spend a lot of time in (our mutual friends house). I took a few days to think about it, decided the spark was worth whatever might happen to the dynamics and then bam. He was suddenly stricken with guilt. I have to add, the mutual friend must have sensed something because he went back to trying to rekindle our previous affairs, which i have fully shot down. My scorpio pulled back and said as much as he wants to, he cannot do this to his friend. However he continues.

He has been hot and cold since. If we end up alone in the same space at out friends house, he grabs me to the side, tells me how he has done everything he could think of to get me out of his mind but that he can't. One day he is blowing my phone up telling me "this doesn't even feel like real life" and "sometimes when we talk I feel like i'm texting a bot specifically designed for me". How he is in so much like with me. And its not just on his side. I feel the same way. It ridiculously great and intense. Then the next day he is silent and brooding and telling me that he can't continue this because his friend would not approve. Also saying things like he knows I have feelings for our mutual friend. The only alone time we have spent together is private moments we have had at our friends house, but it happens everytime we see each other there. He has on a few occasions invited me over to his place, but only when he knows I can't actually come. Well on Saturday night we were all at our friends house and he takes me aside and asks me if I want to spend the next day at his house. I say yes. Next morning, he started to back peddle. Saying he isn't sure, and that it won't be until later, and then finally he said no. This is where I fuck up. I told him I'm done with the wishy washy, back and forth. I told him I'd be there at 6, and he could tell me no to my face. I show up. He lets me in. Acts slightly miffed about me just showing up. We have a great night, we get hot and heavy as usual, its like magic. Next day hes pissed i overstepped a boundary and is icing me out. Told me we need to chill on this for a minute. When I asked for clarification, he got real pissy.

Add to that tonight is a night we all usually go to our friends house. He knows I'm going to be there, as I am almost every Tuesday. And last week he said he wasn’t going to be able to make it. I’m getting ready to do there myself. And I find out from another friend that he IS going. What do i do?? Did i ruin everything?? Should i go tonight? I have never dealt with a more hot and cold person. I'm a leo. Heart on my sleeve. I don't make bold statements then turn back on them. AHHHHHHHHHHH. Any advise would be greatly appreciated 🙂

You're looking to bang/date a friend of a friend, while you're friends w both? That can get real messy, real fast. You may end up losing both. I think that's the bigger issue here, not so much the hot n cold behavior.

You're looking to bang/date a friend of a friend, while you're friends w both? That can get real messy, real fast. You may end up losing both. I think that's the bigger issue here, not so much the hot n cold behavior.

You don’t think men code is still exist do you? He is just messing with her head so she wouldn’t attempt any serious shit with him.

He at the same time getting himself horny by playing no mam game...

Then they fuck and he is playing that game...again...

I SWEAR him and his friend discussing her every oooh and aaah while drinking beer. The END!

It is not like that at all. I can say with assuredness this is not a public matter. I know it’s a messy situation. However the friend and I have been JUST friends for 20 years. Platonically most of the time, and have been friends through us being in relationships as well. He’s been dating around for the past year, as have I. It’s a done deal between us. And I’m not just trying to bang all the dudes. It’s my opinion that true sparks are rare. At least in my world. I don’t often find someone I genuinely am interested in. So to ignore that because of the past circumstances that led to me meeting that person?? Not in my blood. I’m more of a boldly go where the heart leads you type of human.

Yes. I know I shouldn’t have just shown up. Entirely wrong and out of character for me. Which he knows. So last night he showed up. Was slightly standoffish with me. I ended up calling it a night early. He immediately texted me that he wished I wouldn’t have left. And accused me of being standoffish one. It’s a fucked guilt laden type of situation and I think he’s projecting his guilt about the situation on me. He’s convinced our other friend has secret feelings for me. Or it’s just mind games? Tests? Idk. At this point I’m going to just sit back and let whatever happens happen. I can’t do the back and forth bull.

Lolol not tree trunked. Typo

Ah yes. Swear filter that makes sense. Yes I’ve never dealt with such an enigma of a man. When we are in the same space, the intensity. And I don’t mean sexually. Just the penetrating stares, the conversational flow. It’s fire. And then in between, it’s ice. I wouldn’t even be wasting my energy if it didn’t feel entirely special and unique and different and great when we are on.

Dude trust me I’m like judging myself for even participating in the shit show. It just felt special. I don’t usually get feels quick. If at all. This time I did. Heavy. But yeah @peaceandtranquility_96 that sounds like a damn fine assessment of what is actually happening here. It’s time to call it. I can’t participate in the games. Time to bow out.

@peaceandtranqulity_96 yes I went. He showed up. Was slightly standoffish. I called it a night early. He immediately started texting me that I shouldn’t have left. How he has all the feels for me, but that I crossed a boundary and he’s struggling with that. But that I’m also standoffish?!? And asking me to come back. It was just a mind fuck of a conversation. I have never been so genuinely perplexed by another human.

He's unsure about you, about how you feel about him, and the whole situation. This is why you're getting the hot and cold treatment.

I don't think this is the ideal situation to begin with. Being long time friends with a guy who is or has been an on off FWB and then to move onto his best mate... That's just a bit of a fuck up right there.

You've known the scorpio for tree years and he said he's liked you for a long time yet it is not clear when you liked him. It seems only since the last month when he made it known to you. Suddenly this guy became the best guy ever and because he sparked your fanny it seems like he is being put on a pedestal with just one quality to his name. Good sex. Let us know on that one, a bit more background might be helpful. Leo's do like attention.

I don't think you fucked up by going round to his house at 6pm but I don't think it fixed anything.

One way to deal with a scorpio is to be 100% clear and confident with who you are and what it is that you want. No wishy washy behaviour. It unnerves us greatly. We feel we cannot trust you and that sets off massive internal struggle. This may well be what he is going through. He might also just be acting like a dick too. I wouldn't rule that out either.

I would recommend you give time and thought to what you want to happen. Do you want a relationship with this guy? Are you in a position to have a relationship? Have you talked to your long time friend about it?

@agentp911

You make a lot of good points. I’ve already thought he was attractive but I have never in my life gone after 2 people in the same group of people. It’s not my style so it’s not a thing I even considered. We always got along great, I was always happy he was present but it was always in a group setting I never let my mind go in any other direction with it.

Since he reached out to me, I have definitely seen him in a new light. We never were able to have entirely one on one conversation until recently. Even the verbiage we use when we talk. It’s eerily similar. Our mutual friend has even told me multiple times over the years, before I even met him that I’m like a lady version of my scorpio.

Anyways in his words, us finally talking one on one was like opening pandora’s Box. He states he had held off forever because he knew that’s exactly what it would be like. I just admit, I did not realize. Now I do.

I have not discussed it with our old friend, but only because he has asked me not to. This is when he swings into the “I can’t do this to my friend. I know he cares about you, regardless of how things are. This can’t work” side of the pendulum. The other side is “I’ve tried everything to forget this and I can’t” and he’s all about it.

I would legitimately want something but only if it’s going to be a real thing. Not whatever this back and forth business is

@agentp911

You make a lot of good points. I’ve already thought he was attractive but I have never in my life gone after 2 people in the same group of people. It’s not my style so it’s not a thing I even considered. We always got along great, I was always happy he was present but it was always in a group setting I never let my mind go in any other direction with it.

Since he reached out to me, I have definitely seen him in a new light. We never were able to have entirely one on one conversation until recently. Even the verbiage we use when we talk. It’s eerily similar. Our mutual friend has even told me multiple times over the years, before I even met him that I’m like a lady version of my scorpio.

Anyways in his words, us finally talking one on one was like opening pandora’s Box. He states he had held off forever because he knew that’s exactly what it would be like. I just admit, I did not realize. Now I do.

I have not discussed it with our old friend, but only because he has asked me not to. This is when he swings into the “I can’t do this to my friend. I know he cares about you, regardless of how things are. This can’t work” side of the pendulum. The other side is “I’ve tried everything to forget this and I can’t” and he’s all about it.

I would legitimately want something but only if it’s going to be a real thing. Not whatever this back and forth business is

@agentp911 just realized I skipped over the good sex bit lol. And yes. I am a Leo. I do love sex. And attention. And especially that combination in the bedroom. And this checks all of this boxes. But I really think it’s deeper than that. It’s the conversational flow. We rarely are talking about anything sexual. Just life. Random happenings. Loose thoughts. Books. Music. Space. Good shit.

Messy.

This cat and mouse game is gonna continue until he grows tired of the sex. Men talk amongst themselves about their conquests just like women do. So this scorpio knows you as the easy fwb of his friend, for the last 20 years. Doubt he'll wife that.

Its nothing negative about you, just the douche bag mentality of males. He knows if he approaches you in a serious manner all his friends will laugh him out the room.

Only you can decide what you will or will not tolerate. From what little you have shared, it sounds as if he is struggling with pursuing you, which he indeed does "want" to, and his perceived loyalty to your mutual friend. There may have been other conversations about you between your mutual friend and himself, that you were not privy too. This is the issue the Scorpio seems to be struggling with, with you being the one paying for that struggle. I am simply making this statement to give you further clarity on the situation and the issues that the Scorpio is likely dealing with internally. This does not condone his behavior in any way or fashion. I cannot tell you what you should do for yourself. But he will likely keep doing this back and forth with you, because he is, at this point, unable to make a concise decision on whether to prioritize you in a fashion to pursue something regardless of what his assumptions on the feelings of the mutual friend are.

In essence, he "punishes" you, for his lack of willpower when you are around or assert yourself in what you want, because he doesn't like that he loses the control he wants to have over his feelings for you. He doesn't want to be disloyal to a friend, and it is much easier to blame the adjacent party, then to just say "yes I want you" and to live with whatever happens next.

That has no bearing on you. Don't feel stupid, or apologize for your actions. You have done nothing wrong, but try and pursue more.

@nikkistar that is such a great summation of what I believe to be happening here. Thanks for your insight. Thanks for your kind words. I know it’s a really messed up situation. I only let it blossom because it felt really right.

Posted by Pissedhimoff

@agentp911

You make a lot of good points. I’ve already thought he was attractive but I have never in my life gone after 2 people in the same group of people. It’s not my style so it’s not a thing I even considered. We always got along great, I was always happy he was present but it was always in a group setting I never let my mind go in any other direction with it.

Since he reached out to me, I have definitely seen him in a new light. We never were able to have entirely one on one conversation until recently. Even the verbiage we use when we talk. It’s eerily similar. Our mutual friend has even told me multiple times over the years, before I even met him that I’m like a lady version of my scorpio.

Anyways in his words, us finally talking one on one was like opening pandora’s Box. He states he had held off forever because he knew that’s exactly what it would be like. I just admit, I did not realize. Now I do.

I have not discussed it with our old friend, but only because he has asked me not to. This is when he swings into the “I can’t do this to my friend. I know he cares about you, regardless of how things are. This can’t work” side of the pendulum. The other side is “I’ve tried everything to forget this and I can’t” and he’s all about it.

I would legitimately want something but only if it’s going to be a real thing. Not whatever this back and forth business is

I think a good approach would be to make a list of all of his objections. It sounds a bit formal but I find it makes things clearer. The friend thing seems to be the dominant issue yet he's not prepared to discuss it with his friend and he has forbidden you to speak to his friend. How can you both move forward when neither of you are able to address the issue?

I would think the scorpio has built up your relationship with the long term friend into something it probably isn't. We will think worst case scenario and think that there's still something going on regardless of any evidence. We can be happy to stew in our own shit because we do not want to deal with it. He may not want to open up to the long term friend and declare his intentions towards you in case his friend sticks his oar in and then that creates a secondary issue between the two guys on top of the first issue.

I'm sure your long term friend does care for you still but perhaps not in the way the scorpio does. I think you are in a good place to judge the thoughts and feelings of your friend. What do you think he would say and think of you and the scorpio commencing a relationship?

I think that if you are clear with wanting to commence a relationship with the scorpio then you have to call him out on his bullshit in the same way you did when you turned up at 6pm at his house. However, it needs to be done in a nice, tactful, less emotional way. More like a negotiation. You state your terms. This is what I think and feel about you. These are the things I like about you. I think you feel the same. I would like to date you with a view to having an exclusive, committed relationship. Do you want the same?

It's either a yes or no answer. He needs to get his big boy pants on because this is essentially an ultimatum. The last chance saloon. He needs to decide if its a yes or a no.

Yes, the friend is a concern but if he says yes then that's something to be brought up together. If he says no then you have your answer.