The Writing Competition (Page 3)

@TrueFantasy

Your submission, according to Ms. Nitpicky Bitch.

Great title!

Love the premises of this – that it was due to eye surgery that she lost her eye sight. I like that you incorporated both taste, smell and physical touch…making us closer to “seeing” her world. I also like that this happened to her recently, which, I feel, adds tension to the piece.

The revelation that she is blind is not as subtle; it’s a bit too on the nose for my taste. Over all, there’s a lot of explaining and making sure we really understand. Trust your reader.

Judging believability, these are a few things I reacted to:

“I twitch then hear a young laugh across me. Must be Daniel, my younger brother.”

I don’t think she needs her eye sight to recognize her brother’s laugh…especially as this was a situation where he was likely to be near-by. Another point I would like to make about the last sentence is that you didn’t need to mention that he was her brother. We get it in the end anyway.

“'Don't tell me you're now scared of puppies,' his tone is playful and innocent. I can't be mad at him.”

1. They brought a puppy to a restaurant? A grown dog as aid is one thing, but a puppy?

2. What did the brother do that would make the main character mad? Bring the puppy? If that was the case, it’s unlikely that both the main character and her sister wouldn’t have noticed before.

Dialogue. Good on dialogue format.

“'I know how to sit down on a chair, thank you,' I tell Kelsey.”

Good and believable. Shows mood, relationship with sister and character. When I say “relationship with sister” I don’t mean that she’s angry with her, or anything, but rather that she feels at ease with her. Had they met for the first time, she would most likely not have said that.

“'I get that you're frustrated but no need to take it out on me,' she replies.”

Doesn’t seem natural to me.

Writing setting in this piece would ofc not be as easy as in the last piece, but since you seem to have an eye for it, I would have liked you to push yourself even further in this piece.

Tone is not consistent throughout the piece. By that I don’t mean that the tone can’t change over the course of the story, but that it’s not always on point – I don’t always believe it. I would look at that.

To be continued...

@TrueFantasy cont'd

“A plastic, rectangular sheet slides under me.”

When I read this I think someone is sliding it on her chair under her behind.

“'I'm very sorry, we ran out of Braille menus,' a faint voice with a dash of sorrow from a few feet away to my left.”

Was the word sorrow really the word you were looking for? Sounds a bit too depressive to me for the occasion.

“Taste is one sense I'm grateful to still have. But I wish I didn’t have to lose my sight. The failed eye surgery that was meant to perfect my vision had to turn into a disaster. I knew there would be risks to losing vision, early stages of cataracts or whatever. But it was a 12% risk. I honestly never thought I would be part of the unfortunate statistic of failed eye surgery. I'm part of the 12% club.”

I like that you included this part, although it feels a bit on the nose. Like this part:

“But I wish I didn’t have to lose my sight.”

It’s kind of a given. Show don't tell.

And:

“I knew there would be risks to losing vision, early stages of cataracts or whatever. But it was a 12% risk. I honestly never thought I would be part of the unfortunate statistic of failed eye surgery.”

Sounds a bit matter of fact.

Characterization.

Progression! I feel I know this woman waaay better than I did your main character in your last piece. I think you could go even further, but you’re definitely on the right track with this. Great!

Overall, I see clear progress. Especially characterization. The story was also well composed.

/ Nitpicky Bitch