No kissing, intimacy - how to improve?

Dump him.

Awww 😢 sorry to hear that! You seem to have done all the right moves and have already spoken about that.

Well... chemistry isnt something you can teach or improve.. either its there or its not. Must be very frustrating

Hmmmm this is difficult, he sounds kind of selfish-maybe he's used to getting pleased. Maybe not dump him unless you are point blank sure you want it to be over. Let him know you've had expectations and they aren't being met so you don't know if you want to continue as they are needs that are important to you. Sounds like he's trying to get away with the minimum effort in this area but is a great guy otherwise-you have to weigh it up and work on it 🙂

Posted by IamThis
I know. And Iknow it would be wise to dump him. But.. there have not been many men out there who would put up with me, who'd consider relationship with me. Though I do not need one, I do very well on my own. But if there is someone, I do like it. And it's difficult to leave it if I'm already getting used to having someone. Secondly, I feel a bit sorry for him if I leave him like this. Like, I feel maybe I haven't really done enough. And I must give him enough opportunities before it's fair to actually dump him. And most of all - he has improved him here and there; he is more considerate regarding my own time (he was really bossy at first and wanted to see me every day and keep pushing me, but I've set some boundaries now), he does show some more affection with the small hugs and pecks etc. So, maybe it just takes time and I really should push him more. At the same time it's so difficult, cause I am used to that man takes kind of the lead and I follow and then I feel comfortable enough to take the lead here and there too and it all balances out. I guess I'll try a bit more. Just softly force him to kiss and guide his hands etc. But yeah, if that does not work out, I must leave him 😢

Have patience, if he didn't like you he wouldn't be wasting time, maybe he doesn't know how to kiss, trust me there are people at age 30 that still lack that skill, and it could be that he's embarrassed of it.

Also people are very different, just because your previous boyfriends showed affection of that kind doesn't mean that if he doesn't that makes him uninterested in you.

If you guys agree on everything else, give it time and point it out to him a little bit more. I don't think you should dump him, obviously sex is very important and sparks mean a lot but along the way just guide your relationship to be more playful and see how it goes

Posted by lavaliquid1
Not that his lack of intimacy is based on astrology, but what is sign is his Venus and mars??

Btw, never settle for less than

Cap, Taurus, Aries? hmmmm...

Where sex is concerned, i have found either the chemistry is there or not....i would rather go without than not feel the *spark*

Posted by IamThis

Posted by lavaliquid1
Not that his lack of intimacy is based on astrology, but what is sign is his Venus and mars??

Btw, never settle for less than

He is Gemini sun, Taurus moon, Taurus mercury, Aries venus and Pisces mars.

I am Aqua sun, Pisces moon, Capricorn mercury, Capricorn venus and Capricorn mars.

click to expand

Taurus making him lazy, and Aries makin him a lil selfish and want to work towards the goal and finish quickly. lol! You can work on it. Maybe you should find a movie with some seduction in it and give him the eye like 😉 hehe! I found it strange when I got with my Aries also there wasn't much foreplay as such and if there was I inititiate it but now i'm a happy bunny with our sex life, I think it gets better as time goes on, allbeit it there is ups and downs (wkends are amazing sex because he works like a dog during week and is knackered once he's home) but overall-on the up! -if everything else is present you CAN work on this.

Posted by IamThis

Posted by lavaliquid1
Not that his lack of intimacy is based on astrology, but what is sign is his Venus and mars??

Btw, never settle for less than

He is Gemini sun, Taurus moon, Taurus mercury, Aries venus and Pisces mars.

I am Aqua sun, Pisces moon, Capricorn mercury, Capricorn venus and Capricorn mars.

click to expand

I was with an Aries Venus and Taurus mars (not moon)...he also had as stellium in the 3rd (very intellectual)

The most selfish lover i ever had

Sadly, there was huge chemistry between us, so i stayed a little too long

Posted by LibraLovesHim

Posted by IamThis

Posted by lavaliquid1
Not that his lack of intimacy is based on astrology, but what is sign is his Venus and mars??

Btw, never settle for less than

He is Gemini sun, Taurus moon, Taurus mercury, Aries venus and Pisces mars.

I am Aqua sun, Pisces moon, Capricorn mercury, Capricorn venus and Capricorn mars.

Taurus making him lazy, and Aries makin him a lil selfish and want to work towards the goal and finish quickly. lol! You can work on it. Maybe you should find a movie with some seduction in it and give him the eye like 😉 hehe! I found it strange when I got with my Aries also there wasn't much foreplay as such and if there was I inititiate it but now i'm a happy bunny with our sex life, I think it gets better as time goes on, allbeit it there is ups and downs (wkends are amazing sex because he works like a dog during week and is knackered once he's home) but overall-on the up! -if everything else is present you CAN work on this.

click to expand

That made me laugh Libra...the Aries guy i was with didn't know what foreplay was.....he was so selfish and i got so pissed off in the end that he wanted to go straight in.....kind of insulting tbh and self involved

Posted by Capz

Posted by MyStarsShine

Posted by LibraLovesHim

Posted by IamThis

Posted by lavaliquid1
Not that his lack of intimacy is based on astrology, but what is sign is his Venus and mars??

Btw, never settle for less than

He is Gemini sun, Taurus moon, Taurus mercury, Aries venus and Pisces mars.

I am Aqua sun, Pisces moon, Capricorn mercury, Capricorn venus and Capricorn mars.

Taurus making him lazy, and Aries makin him a lil selfish and want to work towards the goal and finish quickly. lol! You can work on it. Maybe you should find a movie with some seduction in it and give him the eye like 😉 hehe! I found it strange when I got with my Aries also there wasn't much foreplay as such and if there was I inititiate it but now i'm a happy bunny with our sex life, I think it gets better as time goes on, allbeit it there is ups and downs (wkends are amazing sex because he works like a dog during week and is knackered once he's home) but overall-on the up! -if everything else is present you CAN work on this.

That made me laugh Libra...the Aries guy i was with didn't know what foreplay was.....he was so selfish and i got so pissed off in the end that he wanted to go straight in.....kind of insulting tbh and self involved

foreplay is the best part

click to expand

Exactly

Especially for a Venus ruled lady like me 😛

I love all of it......but use some imagination for God's sake

That wanting to get in straight away reminds me of an over keen teenager

Lol

I think you can teach people how to kiss but I don't think you can teach affection.

And it sounds like he is doing for you not because he feels it naturally. Eventually the newness of your relationship will pass and you'll both go back to your own comfortable habits.

If affection is important to you, then you are either going to eventually put up with his personality or you will dump him.

Save yourself the time and heartache and dump him now while you are only a few months in.

Believe me, there are others out there. Don't stay in a shitty situation out of fear of being alone.

Posted by IamThis
Valid points from everyone. I have thought about every possible angle. But at the end of the day I still feel cruel, selfish and ugly person if I leave him. Maybe it is true that he just needs time and guidance? He also says, he is very mentally exhausted currently due to work stuff etc - which I do believe, yes. BUT then again - it should be the best time of the relationship, I mean where you just cannot hold your hands off from each other, whether you are tired or not, whether you now how to do it or not. I mean.. if he really liked to cuddle, kiss, touch and caress - he'd to it. For me, cuddling and kissing with someone would be really a stress relief. I'm acutally pretty sure I cannot deal with "demanding" and guiding him, it takes all the pleasure away. It should be balanced, not that one will do all the work. BUT - I realy feel selfish, that I would dump him when he already has difficult times. And - why are my needs more important then his needs? I mean - I am sad when we are together, he will be said if we are not together.

Your needs are more important because they are yours. And this is a guy that you've known for a few months.

Being a doormat because you don't want to hurt someone's feelings will get you nowhere.

However it's probably a lesson you ha e to learn yourself. Just don't wait to long. You can't get this time back.

Posted by Capz

Posted by MyStarsShine

Posted by LibraLovesHim

Posted by IamThis

Posted by lavaliquid1
Not that his lack of intimacy is based on astrology, but what is sign is his Venus and mars??

Btw, never settle for less than

He is Gemini sun, Taurus moon, Taurus mercury, Aries venus and Pisces mars.

I am Aqua sun, Pisces moon, Capricorn mercury, Capricorn venus and Capricorn mars.

Taurus making him lazy, and Aries makin him a lil selfish and want to work towards the goal and finish quickly. lol! You can work on it. Maybe you should find a movie with some seduction in it and give him the eye like 😉 hehe! I found it strange when I got with my Aries also there wasn't much foreplay as such and if there was I inititiate it but now i'm a happy bunny with our sex life, I think it gets better as time goes on, allbeit it there is ups and downs (wkends are amazing sex because he works like a dog during week and is knackered once he's home) but overall-on the up! -if everything else is present you CAN work on this.

That made me laugh Libra...the Aries guy i was with didn't know what foreplay was.....he was so selfish and i got so pissed off in the end that he wanted to go straight in.....kind of insulting tbh and self involved

foreplay is the best part

click to expand

I agree and think all interaction is foreplay to some degree/level ... you can just keep it alive

Posted by IamThis
Hello

Sorry for the long post.

So I've been seeing a guy for two months now. We spend several times a week together, and we sleep together also. He is a great guy, he has so many positive traits, but what makes me so sad is the lack of intimacy... He wants to spend time with me, brings me gifts, seeks my attention, invites me whereever he goes, we spend time with friends, he teaches me how to drive a car etcetc. BUT he won't kiss me, there is no intimacy as such. He rather kinda of bullies and teases me (like tickle and stuff), but does not show much sweet, tender affection. Except when we hang out with friends, then he puts his arm around me or asks me to sit in his lap. When we have sex, he is all about putting it in and taking it out and going to sleep. I've asked him wheter he does not like to kiss or cuddle or touch me, I've told him I'd like those things. He has told me that if I want something I should just ask. Well I have, and there is still nothing really... I've gotten him so far, that he now hugs me when we meet or when we leave, even on his own intitative and he gives me hello and goodby quick kisses, or actually they are pecks. And he holds me when I hug him. He has twice or so touched me more in bed also, but it really seems he is not that good at it also. Anyway, finally I even told him I want to break it off with him, cause the lack of intimacy does not suit me. But we did not break up.. He says things like, for example lets take kissing, "I like it, but why do men have to do everything, if you want to kiss me, then just kiss me", and "I haven't been in a relationship for a very long time, I do not know so quickly how to do everything". Then I tell him that it's not knowing how to do it, I think that if you like someyou you just want to do it and if you don't, then it feels exactly that you do not want to. However, when I do try to kiss him for example, it seems he barely likes it, he would even turn his head away. Or when we do kiss a bit, it feels kinda awkard, like really he is afraid of smething or I don't know. And if kissing is already a problem, imagine everyhting else in bed...

I don't know what to. I really like the guy, he is fun and so calm and so helfpful and so active and there are so many other positive things, but the lack of intimacy is driving me nuts. I'd like the flirting and sexual teasing and kissing and cuddling and being playful in bed and giving each other pleasure, but.. he is like a virgin girl.

We are both 27, I haven't had any serious relationships actually, only one when I was 19-20. I've had a few men in my bed and I've never had to ask them to do anything, they all wanted to give me the pleasure and maybe they weren't all that great, but then we guided each other - it's rather easy when you see that the other one really wants to please you. He has had one serious relationship when he was 20-21, and then according to him, he has had plenty of sex partners.. who knows.

I'm just so sad. Guiding, forcing, hoping and waiting is so tiring, but something is holding me back to again finish it.

Okay, Girl, I work for the Army (Medical Command); so we have medical staff on hand, meetings, Powerpoint slides, etc. He may be SCARED of contracting Herpes 1 (cold sores, mouth/tongue/saliva) from you or maybe HE has it. Little does he know that if he gives you cunnilingus he can contract Herpes 1. NOW, if he doesn't have Herpes 2 (outbreak in male/female organ); he has sex with you without a condom...good question. Does he wear a condom?

Also (scenario #2), have you seen the movie, "Pretty woman?" As a prostitute, she's told by her friend not to kiss on the mouth (too serious, loves/in love/too intimate, etc.) with her clients. MAYBE this is his fear. Scenario #3; maybe he dislikes bad breath on giver/receiver and doesn't like the saliva to saliva contact. Is he a neat freak? Does he have OCD where he showers immediately after sex and/or asks you to do the same? Maybe an ex-gf told him he's a bad kisser (is instilled in his brain). Assure him that you love to kiss and you will not put him down if he thinks he's a bad kisser. Maybe he kissed a girl that had a cold sore. Tell him you love to French kiss and it would be "fun" to learn from one another. Eva shrugs shoulders.

🤗 cyber hugs!

Love,

Eva

PS: You've got a man that gives you 99.99 and 44/100% of himself to you. If he has NO STD, then you can live with that minute percentage you're lacking.

Ok. I am dealing with it right now. Fear of intimacy from.. guess what... an Aqua sun, Pisces moon. YOU! You are a receiver. You crave attention. Intimate attention. Continuously. But... you find it hard to give it away, so you find substitutes, if ever. Him, on the other hand, doesn't seem the giver type. Not used to it. He wants it though. Your connection is mental, which is good, because there is a functional connection there. In such an arrangement between avoidants, one must be the securing type. Teach him how to grow intimacy. Hold his hand, be gentle, kiss him softly and long, let him feel and process and associate physical intimacy with feelings.

Posted by IamThis
Valid points from everyone. I have thought about every possible angle. But at the end of the day I still feel cruel, selfish and ugly person if I leave him. Maybe it is true that he just needs time and guidance? He also says, he is very mentally exhausted currently due to work stuff etc - which I do believe, yes. BUT then again - it should be the best time of the relationship, I mean where you just cannot hold your hands off from each other, whether you are tired or not, whether you now how to do it or not. I mean.. if he really liked to cuddle, kiss, touch and caress - he'd to it. For me, cuddling and kissing with someone would be really a stress relief. I'm acutally pretty sure I cannot deal with "demanding" and guiding him, it takes all the pleasure away. It should be balanced, not that one will do all the work. BUT - I realy feel selfish, that I would dump him when he already has difficult times. And - why are my needs more important then his needs? I mean - I am sad when we are together, he will be said if we are not together.

You talk about him like a project or a second job. Your not compatible. Better to walk away now than make it worse on both of you. Don't stay cause you think your sparing him.

Girl let this go, you are just not compatible in that way. I don't feel intimacy is something you can teach. It needs to be organic and clearly it's not there with you two.

Posted by IamThis

Posted by lavaliquid1
Not that his lack of intimacy is based on astrology, but what is sign is his Venus and mars??

Btw, never settle for less than

He is Gemini sun, Taurus moon, Taurus mercury, Aries venus and Pisces mars.

I am Aqua sun, Pisces moon, Capricorn mercury, Capricorn venus and Capricorn mars.

click to expand

Go, girl. And don't look back. Trust me!