Unacceptable behaviors in relationships

As some of you may know, I broke up with my ex bf a few weeks ago. I am still processing and just thought about some particular behaviors that I felt were not acceptable. I am just curious about what others think. I think the underlying issue is a lack of respect of me and my friends (and a lack of respect of others' time).

1. A friend I went to graduate school with invited me over to her home for dinner to celebrate that I got a new job. I hadn't seen her for a whole year. I told my ex bf three weeks beforehand about this dinner thing. I asked him if he wanted to be my plus one and he said Yes right away. During the three weeks, we had a fight and were not talking during one of the weeks but we made up several days before this dinner thing. On the day of the dinner thing, my ex bf asked me what we were doing for the evening, I reminded him of this dinner thing, but he just kept forgetting and asked me at least 2 other times, within the same day, what we were doing for the evening. Then, half an hour before the dinner, he told me he was not going (he was playing video games). I was upset because he agreed to go weeks ago and he didn't say he didn't want to go until the very last minute. He saw that I became upset so he said, "Well, we were not speaking a week ago, but we can go get dinner now, just the two of us, if you cancel your dinner plan with your friend." I was really upset so I slammed the door, left, and went to my friend's. (My ex and I lived together at that time.) I think it was super disrespectful of him to cancel plans the last minute when there's additional people involved, just because all of a sudden he didn't feel like to do it at the moment (obviously he wanted to play video games instead), and more so, to think that it is ok for me to ditch my friend the last minute too and think that's totally ok, when it was a small intimate dinner thing and it was for me particularly (she only invited another two common friends besides me).

2. Another occasion was that me and my other friend were going to make a trip to another city to have lunch at a specific restaurant on a Sunday. We told him about it on Saturday and he said he wanted to go too, so I went ahead and made the reservation. I told him to meet me at my apartment at 12 (we didn't live tighter yet at the time; it's 15 minute walk from his apartment) so that we could pick up my friend at 12:30 together then go to the restaurant. He did not show up at 12 so I called him and he told me he was helping his friend cuz his friend had some programming questions for him and asked me if I could wait for him for *another 30 minutes*. I was really upset because (1) we already made the reservation at the restaurant at a specific time so we had to leave right away so that we wouldn't be late; (2) it was super inconsiderate to think that it's ok to just ask my friend to wait for another 30 minutes so that his friend who didn't make plans with him to talk could get helped right away. I basically was going to break up with him right then, so he was scared, got off the phone, and ran over to my place immediately. I felt really disappointed that he only cared when he was losing me.

Anyhow, I know these are small things, but I feel this type of behavior shows that this person just thought this world was centered around him and had no regard of others' time. I am curious if anyone has encountered similar behaviors from their SO and were/are you OK with it?

Posted by Ellygant

I just broke up with a Virgo I was seeing for a similar reason. He was honest tho and admitted he was not caring like he should have and that wasn’t fair to me.

I’ve broken up or been broken up with by people who did similar. And those break ups we’re more annoying because the other person lied, denied any wrongdoing or tried to say I was mistaken/misinterpreting. Which made it harder and way more painful.

No one should be ok with not being considerate of their partners time or efforts tho, especially earlier on in a relationship when it should still be relatively easy and simpatico.

Thanks for sharing 🙂

Sometimes I’m curious if they are the same way with everyone (eg cuz they are spoiled by their parents or never learned to consider others wants, needs, time, effort etc and take everything for granted) or they demonstrate this bad behavior because they don’t want this relationship bad enough. I always wonder if they would act like a completely

different person if they were with a different girl. I also wonder, if it’s the former, could they ever be taught how to be considerate of others. My ex was the only child and never had to be considerate of others wants/needs or shared anything with others. His parents are pretty aloof, didn’t pay much attention to him when he was growing up, but just gave him money to buy stuff. He didn’t have to help out with any household chores either. Basically his parents didn’t give much other than money to buy stuff and he didn’t give much back either—his parents didn’t ask or care. All they wanted from him was to study so that he can find a job one day. I think he’s got a good material life growing up but not fulfilled emotionally/psychologically. I think his values are distorted even though he is always gentle with people, never raises his voice etc. Its weird that he’s very friendly to everyone but also completely inconsiderate at same time.

Posted by Ellygant

I just broke up with a Virgo I was seeing for a similar reason. He was honest tho and admitted he was not caring like he should have and that wasn’t fair to me.

I’ve broken up or been broken up with by people who did similar. And those break ups we’re more annoying because the other person lied, denied any wrongdoing or tried to say I was mistaken/misinterpreting. Which made it harder and way more painful.

No one should be ok with not being considerate of their partners time or efforts tho, especially earlier on in a relationship when it should still be relatively easy and simpatico.

Do you know if they (those guys you dated with bad behaviors) are always this way with girls/others?

(There’s a Virgo guy I was seeing many years ago. He told me he had never dated anyone for more than 3 months (cuz he just didn’t care enough to make it work). He was 33 at the time and never had a serous relationship. He was tall and very good looking so he didn’t care if a girl got upset and left. It was a bad experience.)

This Libra screening process would've hesitated for a monogamous relationship to have the privilege to be named an ex. Know your worth and every frog ain't a prince.

Btw, I’m also curious if anyone has ever successfully changed such bad behaviors, because I do wonder if I did anything to make them feel it’s ok to act like that (I hope not but if so, I want to learn to break the cycle or at least not repeat it with the next guy). I’m sure there are girls out there who are very good with this type of stuff and know how to teach a man how to be respectful.

@Ellygant

Thanks! That is helpful. I think you have a very balanced view on this 🙂

Posted by LibraSupreme

This Libra screening process would've hesitated for a monogamous relationship to have the privilege to be named an ex. Know your worth and every frog ain't a prince.

Haha thanks.

Posted by tiziani

I don't know about the second one which is neither here nor there.

But the first one is childish and obnoxious on his part.



But it's not a question of loving or not loving aomeone enough that's for sure.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts! How come it’s not a question of loving/not loving enough? Do you think it’s just a general personality thing such as lack of maturity?

For me, unacceptable behaviors are those that can't or couldn't be offset, balanced, by some other attribute.

We all have our faults but hopefully there is some attribute that outshines it.

Sometimes there's nothing that can outshine them because that particular fault opposes the other persons' love langauge.

For example, time is absolutely not my love language so, having a boyfriend pull out of engagements don't bother me. I'd be like, oh well.

Acts of service and gifts are my number ones. So, a cheapsake or a user will get proverbially kicked in the ass.

Relationships help us define our wants and needs. So, it's a learning experience. I can spot a cheap mf a mile away now. I will never ever feel loved by them ever. Nothing can ever offset it.

My dude will sometimes cancel on me. Life happens, no worries.

I always stay chill about it (mutable powers ftw) and find that makes more of an impact than guilting him.

The other weekend his boys wanted to go out. Sunday is usually our day. He was all, sorry but can I. Haven’t seen them in forever. Me: Go! Have fun. I’ll survive.

He popped up 2xs this week and took me to dinner. Thanks for braving weekday traffic and feeding me Lomo saltado

When it came to the brunch reservation I would’ve been all, no we can’t wait we have a reservation. Come if you want but we can’t wait for you.

I mean whatevs, it’s brunch.



But the other event was kinda rude of him to cancel last min cause he was your plus one. Only thing you could’ve done differently there was remind him somewhere in between the 3week reminder and the day of reminder.

Men need lots of reminders 😂😂

That type of behavior would bother me as well and I do feel it's somewhat reflective of how one feels about their relationship.

Rest assured, no man likes to go shopping for 5 hours, left outside the women's dressing room holding his wife's purse but he does it because he loves her.

Having said that, I think women should also be considerate when it comes to "making plans for us". We tend to take the reigns in that regard and make the poor guy do things he doesn't really want to do.

I don’t think you can teach someone to be considerate.

But by showing your boundaries you can teach them what to expect from your behavior.

Your ex sounds very much like my boyfriend. I use to get upset that he'd rather play video games then go out with me and my friends. Then one day he put it into perspective for me...he doesnt enjoy going out with me and my friends. He will do it on occassion to make me happy, but every weekend was too much for him... I sure as hell wouldn't wanna hang out with him and his buddies watching football every weekend, and im not expected to. I decided to stop having expectations if him in this way.

Now i tell him about an event. If he says "yes",..i ask him the day before how hes feeling about it, and he has the right to respectfully decline if he wants.

Him going or not shouldn't affect me going or me having a good time.

And like ladyneptune said...its better when i dont guilt trip him. We both end up happier.

I will say your dinner for your promtion was prob important to you. That i would be upset about.

The brunch tho, nbd in my book.

If i have something important to me., say a birthday dinner for my mom or something i just say "hey babe, this is an important occasssion to me"...then he knows he needs to go and wont fight me on it.

There are so ma y other amazing qualities about him that his flakiness isnt really a big deal in the grand scheme of things (to me that is)

Posted by Ellygant

Posted by whatisthisallabout

Posted by Ellygant

I just broke up with a Virgo I was seeing for a similar reason. He was honest tho and admitted he was not caring like he should have and that wasn’t fair to me.

I’ve broken up or been broken up with by people who did similar. And those break ups we’re more annoying because the other person lied, denied any wrongdoing or tried to say I was mistaken/misinterpreting. Which made it harder and way more painful.

No one should be ok with not being considerate of their partners time or efforts tho, especially earlier on in a relationship when it should still be relatively easy and simpatico.

Do you know if they (those guys you dated with bad behaviors) are always this way with girls/others?

(There’s a Virgo guy I was seeing many years ago. He told me he had never dated anyone for more than 3 months (cuz he just didn’t care enough to make it work). He was 33 at the time and never had a serous relationship. He was tall and very good looking so he didn’t care if a girl got upset and left. It was a bad experience.)

To be honest I try not to pay attention too much to how they are with other women. There’s no comparing me to other women, and what we had to what they have with someone else. Not in an ego sense, but in a literal sense, the emotions and circumstance of that time, shared between us, is always going to be different to the emotions and circumstance of them with someone else.

I also learn a lot about my own bad behaviors from them too. Whether it’s been trust issues, codependency, projection etc. my bad behaviors are just normally packaged differently.

I do tend to notice if they haven’t really learned or grown though. They always come back saying or acting the same way they did a few months or even years ago and it’s weird to me.

I’d be happy to see any of my exes happy and doing better with someone new. Probably more so for the recent Virgo or more long term Scorpio ex, due to the fact they both treated me with immense respect when we broke up.

Virgos are incredibly sensitive. More than they can admit about themselves more oft than not. Some do keep a rotation of people at a comfortable distance to collect validation but then they never really experience the love they need. On the inside, the vulnerability and sensitivity they feel when they love is so raw and throbbing it could put a few water signs to shame. They think it’s being smart and thinking ahead but really it’s more like they outsmart themselves out of their own happiness.

When they turn that intense intellect and intelligence in on themselves, they’re pretty unstoppable. Very independent but not in a showy way. Its because they connect to the world in both an intuitive and intellectual way once they stop being afraid or needing validation. That can be quite a combo for accomplishment.

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This is so comforting to read! It is a good reminder to not compare myself to others and remember that each encounter is unique! There were a couple of guys I met in the past, a particular Leo and a particular Aqua, that definitely brought out the worst in me, mostly due to infidelity issues. I was a total wreck during those times and had to see a therapist after things ended, both times. I could barely recognize myself during those times (I was extremely paranoid and emotionally labile), but those times really did humble me.

Posted by VenusAquarius

For me, unacceptable behaviors are those that can't or couldn't be offset, balanced, by some other attribute.

We all have our faults but hopefully there is some attribute that outshines it.

Sometimes there's nothing that can outshine them because that particular fault opposes the other persons' love langauge.

For example, time is absolutely not my love language so, having a boyfriend pull out of engagements don't bother me. I'd be like, oh well.

Acts of service and gifts are my number ones. So, a cheapsake or a user will get proverbially kicked in the ass.

Relationships help us define our wants and needs. So, it's a learning experience. I can spot a cheap mf a mile away now. I will never ever feel loved by them ever. Nothing can ever offset it.

I appreciate reading your perspective! I think if my ex was with someone more like you, it probably could work out. He did carry my stuff for me and cook and stuff so yea, definitely acts of service. He was not the most generous, however. He did buy me gifts and pay for stuff from time to time.

Posted by tiziani

Posted by whatisthisallabout

Posted by tiziani

I don't know about the second one which is neither here nor there.

But the first one is childish and obnoxious on his part.



But it's not a question of loving or not loving aomeone enough that's for sure.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts! How come it’s not a question of loving/not loving enough? Do you think it’s just a general personality thing such as lack of maturity?

It's a question of personal responsibility and learning skills where someone can build on their character.

If someone were to credit every skill they've learnt to love/relationship/another person, they would have no confidence to identify where they can keep growing that skill.

An abstract measure like "I love this person enough that I'm going to change" is not only immeasurable but defeatist.

Because the inevitable follow on questions are: what do you need to change? How are you going to? How much change do you need to show yourself to be satisfied you've reached another level?

Say someone has no idea how to answer those questions and attributes their lack of answers to "not loving" their relationship enough. That's just a cycle of blame.

And sure there are tall tales out there told by wives who claim they taught their husbands how to act, but usually they are deluded in their need to make sense of their spouses behaviour.

I can tell you at least four five times where a woman loudly took credit for teaching her partner something, and the her partner later said behind closed doors that the real changes hed made for himself came about from events totally unrelated to her.

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It is so interesting that when the guy eventually changed, it was due to something unrelated to the woman.

I guess I could become delusional and think I taught him something if he didn't show any of the bad behaviors he had with me when he's with a new girl haha. I probably would feel very sad, regardless of what's the real cause of the change, because he could not treat me the way I wanted to be treated when he was with me either way...

Posted by LadyNeptune

When it came to the brunch reservation I would’ve been all, no we can’t wait we have a reservation. Come if you want but we can’t wait for you.

I mean whatevs, it’s brunch.



But the other event was kinda rude of him to cancel last min cause he was your plus one. Only thing you could’ve done differently there was remind him somewhere in between the 3week reminder and the day of reminder.

Men need lots of reminders 😂😂

For me, if it was just the two of us, then I would be cool, but when there's a 3rd party involved, I just feel it was disrespectful... It might sound weird but I just feel every individual's time should be the same valuable and he, as a single individual, should not have demanded more than one person to accommodate for him like that, unless there's an emergency. But I guess you are right about men needing lots of reminders. I actually stopped inviting him to hang out with me and my friends to avoid this problem.

I was just reflecting on why he was "nice" (defined as well-tempered and friendly and never ignored me) but I was unhappy and felt mistreated from time to time.

Posted by MissScruffs

That type of behavior would bother me as well and I do feel it's somewhat reflective of how one feels about their relationship.

Rest assured, no man likes to go shopping for 5 hours, left outside the women's dressing room holding his wife's purse but he does it because he loves her.

Having said that, I think women should also be considerate when it comes to "making plans for us". We tend to take the reigns in that regard and make the poor guy do things he doesn't really want to do.

This is true. He told me he hated shopping so I never made him go shopping with me.

However, I feel if a person is not interested in doing certain things in general, then the person should make it known so that people won't keep inviting them.

I still feel it was not ok to make everyone wait on him or cancel the last minute when there's no emergency. But as some other people have commented, this kind of behavior may not bother other people as much.

Posted by LadyNeptune

I don’t think you can teach someone to be considerate.

But by showing your boundaries you can teach them what to expect from your behavior.

I guess the best thing to do is to find someone who is considerate or is capable of putting themselves in another persons' shoe then lol

I was once with someone who hated hanging out with my friends and family, so much so that he would only come around for some

Holidays to see my family and NEVER hung out with me and my friends. That didn’t bother me as much cause I knew his attitude and I didn’t necessarily want him hanging out with my friends anyway, but what was the dealbreaker was him taking me for granted. I put my all into relationships and I just saw him not caring anymore and not putting any effort into the relationship. My last straw was when I tried to talk to him about improving communication and his response was just like “we’ve been together for 2 years. This is all you’re gonna get” and I broke up with him after that. It depends on what you need and value from the relationship.

Posted by Boots1313

Your ex sounds very much like my boyfriend. I use to get upset that he'd rather play video games then go out with me and my friends. Then one day he put it into perspective for me...he doesnt enjoy going out with me and my friends. He will do it on occassion to make me happy, but every weekend was too much for him... I sure as hell wouldn't wanna hang out with him and his buddies watching football every weekend, and im not expected to. I decided to stop having expectations if him in this way.

Now i tell him about an event. If he says "yes",..i ask him the day before how hes feeling about it, and he has the right to respectfully decline if he wants.

Him going or not shouldn't affect me going or me having a good time.

And like ladyneptune said...its better when i dont guilt trip him. We both end up happier.

I will say your dinner for your promtion was prob important to you. That i would be upset about.

The brunch tho, nbd in my book.

If i have something important to me., say a birthday dinner for my mom or something i just say "hey babe, this is an important occasssion to me"...then he knows he needs to go and wont fight me on it.

There are so ma y other amazing qualities about him that his flakiness isnt really a big deal in the grand scheme of things (to me that is)

I guess it was a good thing that your bf was honest with you. My ex never told me he didn't want to hang out with me and my friend or if there's any particular one of my friends he didn't like. Usually I just told him my plans and let him decide if he wanted to join. He didn't say he wanted to go every time and I didn't give him a hard time when he didn't want to come. I was upset that he asked if we could wait for him for another 30 minutes when there was no emergency. He could've asked *his friend* to wait since his friend didn't tell him he was going to call, instead of asking me and my friend who did make plans with him beforehand to wait. I would rather be with someone who prioritizes me over his friends when there's no emergency. I just don't appreciate it. I feel it would have been acceptable if he just apologized and offered something to make up for it (e.g. "I am sorry I lost track of time. I am still helping my friend. Would it be ok that I just pay for my share and you girls can go without me and have fun." etc.)

Posted by DrinkWater

Not keeping your bootyhole clean and fragrant.

Has it worked in your favor? haha

Posted by viviretrograde

I was once with someone who hated hanging out with my friends and family, so much so that he would only come around for some

Holidays to see my family and NEVER hung out with me and my friends. That didn’t bother me as much cause I knew his attitude and I didn’t necessarily want him hanging out with my friends anyway, but what was the dealbreaker was him taking me for granted. I put my all into relationships and I just saw him not caring anymore and not putting any effort into the relationship. My last straw was when I tried to talk to him about improving communication and his response was just like “we’ve been together for 2 years. This is all you’re gonna get” and I broke up with him after that. It depends on what you need and value from the relationship.

My ex also has communication issue, especially when it comes to initiating any conversation. He was so lazy. He just waited for me to contact him. He was too lazy to share anything with me himself (e.g. how his day went, his plan for the day, his plan for his career, etc.), if I didn't ask him first. He also didn't contact me unless he didn't hear from me for more than a day. He was extremely passive. I know he was not cheating or anything but I felt he put in no effort in sustaining this relationship. He just wanted me to do all the work. When I broke up with him, I told him I was tired of doing my personal one-man show. Even when it was our date night, he expected me to come up with what to do/where to eat, etc. and he did zero planning. He felt all he needed to do was showing up.

Posted by whatisthisallabout

Posted by viviretrograde

I was once with someone who hated hanging out with my friends and family, so much so that he would only come around for some

Holidays to see my family and NEVER hung out with me and my friends. That didn’t bother me as much cause I knew his attitude and I didn’t necessarily want him hanging out with my friends anyway, but what was the dealbreaker was him taking me for granted. I put my all into relationships and I just saw him not caring anymore and not putting any effort into the relationship. My last straw was when I tried to talk to him about improving communication and his response was just like “we’ve been together for 2 years. This is all you’re gonna get” and I broke up with him after that. It depends on what you need and value from the relationship.

My ex also has communication issue, especially when it comes to initiating any conversation. He was so lazy. He just waited for me to contact him. He was too lazy to share anything with me himself (e.g. how his day went, his plan for the day, his plan for his career, etc.), if I didn't ask him first. He also didn't contact me unless he didn't hear from me for more than a day. He was extremely passive. I know he was not cheating or anything but I felt he put in no effort in sustaining this relationship. He just wanted me to do all the work. When I broke up with him, I told him I was tired of doing my personal one-man show. Even when it was our date night, he expected me to come up with what to do/where to eat, etc. and he did zero planning. He felt all he needed to do was showing up.

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Omg!! I know exactly what that's like it's so draining to be the only one actually trying! Can I ask what your sign is, and what was his? I'm a cancer and my ex-bf was a Pisces. So incredibly passive but also the most ridiculous attitude if things didn't go his way. I'm so glad that's over. Sometimes people don't change, and you shouldn't waste your positive energy on someone that isn't going to reciprocate in any way really. The only reason I stayed so long was bc the sex was great, but once that mental connection isn't there anymore I just couldn't do it.

Posted by DrinkWater

Posted by whatisthisallabout

Posted by DrinkWater

Not keeping your bootyhole clean and fragrant.

Has it worked in your favor? haha

I wouldn't know, I'm forever alone.

click to expand

Wrong😡

You won’t be, not while I’m around 😡

Posted by whatisthisallabout

Posted by LadyNeptune

When it came to the brunch reservation I would’ve been all, no we can’t wait we have a reservation. Come if you want but we can’t wait for you.

I mean whatevs, it’s brunch.



But the other event was kinda rude of him to cancel last min cause he was your plus one. Only thing you could’ve done differently there was remind him somewhere in between the 3week reminder and the day of reminder.

Men need lots of reminders 😂😂

For me, if it was just the two of us, then I would be cool, but when there's a 3rd party involved, I just feel it was disrespectful... It might sound weird but I just feel every individual's time should be the same valuable and he, as a single individual, should not have demanded more than one person to accommodate for him like that, unless there's an emergency. But I guess you are right about men needing lots of reminders. I actually stopped inviting him to hang out with me and my friends to avoid this problem.

I was just reflecting on why he was "nice" (defined as well-tempered and friendly and never ignored me) but I was unhappy and felt mistreated from time to time.

click to expand

Sounds like ‘you’ baggage.

Find someone who speaks your language and gives you the level of attention you need I guess.

I don’t think either of you are assholes, just incompatible at the end of the day.

Posted by MissScruffs

Rest assured, no man likes to go shopping for 5 hours, left outside the women's dressing room holding his wife's purse but he does it because he loves her.

Um,

My husband loooooves to shop and dress and style me... Virgo Sun, Libra in the 7th and Libra dominant. He finds hair style s and crawls into bed with pictures ready. I get me hair done and he's outta town, he asks for pictures. I'll go in the dressing room to try on a dress, he's back with 5 more he liked. He bought all my purses.

His favorite day: cooking me breakfast in bed, sex, shopping, lunch, shopping, dinner, sex. We are both Venus doms with Venus #1.

Posted by Arielle83

Posted by whatisthisallabout

Btw, I’m also curious if anyone has ever successfully changed such bad behaviors, because I do wonder if I did anything to make them feel it’s ok to act like that (I hope not but if so, I want to learn to break the cycle or at least not repeat it with the next guy). I’m sure there are girls out there who are very good with this type of stuff and know how to teach a man how to be respectful.

You don’t teach or train anyone.

You accept them how they are.

You didn’t accept him or his behaviour, so you bounced.

Men aren’t dogs that need to be trained.

Do you want to be trained?

He sounds like an introvert. And maybe you don’t operate the way he thinks, so you don’t understand. What you find important isn’t what he finds important.

You just don’t mesh. No need to vilify someone and blame his upbringing and family for how he responds to you. You weren’t a part of his childhood, so you’re just judging because he has poor time management skills and he didn’t jump when you said to.

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Agreed. I tried to say it nicey nicey.

Posted by BathHouseCulture

Just don’t let a man manage down your expectations.

Agreed. Find what you want. But, tell that that to UVD. LMAO!!!!

Posted by Arielle83

Posted by VenusAquarius

Posted by Arielle83

Posted by whatisthisallabout

Btw, I’m also curious if anyone has ever successfully changed such bad behaviors, because I do wonder if I did anything to make them feel it’s ok to act like that (I hope not but if so, I want to learn to break the cycle or at least not repeat it with the next guy). I’m sure there are girls out there who are very good with this type of stuff and know how to teach a man how to be respectful.

You don’t teach or train anyone.

You accept them how they are.

You didn’t accept him or his behaviour, so you bounced.

Men aren’t dogs that need to be trained.

Do you want to be trained?

He sounds like an introvert. And maybe you don’t operate the way he thinks, so you don’t understand. What you find important isn’t what he finds important.

You just don’t mesh. No need to vilify someone and blame his upbringing and family for how he responds to you. You weren’t a part of his childhood, so you’re just judging because he has poor time management skills and he didn’t jump when you said to.

Agreed. I tried to say it nicey nicey.

The entitlement of people thinking they need to help their partner “change” is ridiculous.

Two random ppl meet and then they like each other on superficial levels, but when real behaviours come out, the dominant makes it known the other needs to change to better fit the others expectations.

You got to let ppl be themselves. They start resenting when love is taken away due to bad behaviour.

Men/women aren’t pets.

I’m sick of hearing chicks think it’s okay to manipulate to get their way

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Even during divorce, my husband wanted to tell me he changed the next week. I told him I do not want him to change for me. Four years... and, I still needed evidence that that the change was not about me.

I know people can't change for others. Even when they try, it won't stick.

Posted by VenusAquarius

Posted by MissScruffs

Rest assured, no man likes to go shopping for 5 hours, left outside the women's dressing room holding his wife's purse but he does it because he loves her.

Um,

My husband loooooves to shop and dress and style me... Virgo Sun, Libra in the 7th and Libra dominant. He finds hair style s and crawls into bed with pictures ready. I get me hair done and he's outta town, he asks for pictures. I'll go in the dressing room to try on a dress, he's back with 5 more he liked. He bought all my purses.

His favorite day: cooking me breakfast in bed, sex, shopping, lunch, shopping, dinner, sex. We are both Venus doms with Venus #1.

click to expand

Good for you, you're a lucky lady.

Most dudes I know would rather play video games or watch sports and we have to drag them kicking and screaming to brunches and shopping.

Posted by MissScruffs

Posted by VenusAquarius

Posted by MissScruffs

Rest assured, no man likes to go shopping for 5 hours, left outside the women's dressing room holding his wife's purse but he does it because he loves her.

Um,

My husband loooooves to shop and dress and style me... Virgo Sun, Libra in the 7th and Libra dominant. He finds hair style s and crawls into bed with pictures ready. I get me hair done and he's outta town, he asks for pictures. I'll go in the dressing room to try on a dress, he's back with 5 more he liked. He bought all my purses.

His favorite day: cooking me breakfast in bed, sex, shopping, lunch, shopping, dinner, sex. We are both Venus doms with Venus #1.

Good for you, you're a lucky lady.

Most dudes I know would rather play video games or watch sports and we have to drag them kicking and screaming to brunches and shopping.

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Yeah, that was the first 10 years. We were both gamers... livingroom packed with guys every Friday or whenever a well-anticipated game was out. I was a gamer since elementary school... missed school for playing all night long. But, we just gradually outgrew videogames together.

In terms of unacceptable behavior from a woman, I have the following NOT ALLOWED on my list:

Lying

Cheating

Deception of any kind

Lack of cooking skills

Lack of interest in children

Lack of flexibility for changing conditions

There are others on my list, but that's about it for now.

Posted by viviretrograde

Posted by whatisthisallabout

Posted by viviretrograde

I was once with someone who hated hanging out with my friends and family, so much so that he would only come around for some

Holidays to see my family and NEVER hung out with me and my friends. That didn’t bother me as much cause I knew his attitude and I didn’t necessarily want him hanging out with my friends anyway, but what was the dealbreaker was him taking me for granted. I put my all into relationships and I just saw him not caring anymore and not putting any effort into the relationship. My last straw was when I tried to talk to him about improving communication and his response was just like “we’ve been together for 2 years. This is all you’re gonna get” and I broke up with him after that. It depends on what you need and value from the relationship.

My ex also has communication issue, especially when it comes to initiating any conversation. He was so lazy. He just waited for me to contact him. He was too lazy to share anything with me himself (e.g. how his day went, his plan for the day, his plan for his career, etc.), if I didn't ask him first. He also didn't contact me unless he didn't hear from me for more than a day. He was extremely passive. I know he was not cheating or anything but I felt he put in no effort in sustaining this relationship. He just wanted me to do all the work. When I broke up with him, I told him I was tired of doing my personal one-man show. Even when it was our date night, he expected me to come up with what to do/where to eat, etc. and he did zero planning. He felt all he needed to do was showing up.

Omg!! I know exactly what that's like it's so draining to be the only one actually trying! Can I ask what your sign is, and what was his? I'm a cancer and my ex-bf was a Pisces. So incredibly passive but also the most ridiculous attitude if things didn't go his way. I'm so glad that's over. Sometimes people don't change, and you shouldn't waste your positive energy on someone that isn't going to reciprocate in any way really. The only reason I stayed so long was bc the sex was great, but once that mental connection isn't there anymore I just couldn't do it.

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I’m Scorpio. He is Libra. My Pisces ex was lazy too and was Always late — literally every single time we were going to go somewhere do something he’s late and I remember there was a time he was like 2 hours late and told me he fell asleep lol I was mad back then but it’s kinda funny now.

Posted by BathHouseCulture

Just don’t let a man manage down your expectations.

Of course not lol

Posted by Arielle83

Posted by whatisthisallabout

Btw, I’m also curious if anyone has ever successfully changed such bad behaviors, because I do wonder if I did anything to make them feel it’s ok to act like that (I hope not but if so, I want to learn to break the cycle or at least not repeat it with the next guy). I’m sure there are girls out there who are very good with this type of stuff and know how to teach a man how to be respectful.

You don’t teach or train anyone.

You accept them how they are.

You didn’t accept him or his behaviour, so you bounced.

Men aren’t dogs that need to be trained.

Do you want to be trained?

He sounds like an introvert. And maybe you don’t operate the way he thinks, so you don’t understand. What you find important isn’t what he finds important.

You just don’t mesh. No need to vilify someone and blame his upbringing and family for how he responds to you. You weren’t a part of his childhood, so you’re just judging because he has poor time management skills and he didn’t jump when you said to.

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Not gonna accept a flake with double standards— that’s why he’s an ex. And he blamed his parents and his lack of dating experience when I was mad at him too. And you are a hypocrote cuz you are judging me for judging him, and I don’t care about what a hypocrite has to say. Bye.

Posted by Effortless

In terms of unacceptable behavior from a woman, I have the following NOT ALLOWED on my list:

Lying

Cheating

Deception of any kind

Lack of cooking skills

Lack of interest in children

Lack of flexibility for changing conditions

There are others on my list, but that's about it for now.

So no matter how amazing the woman is if she can’t cook, you can’t? Lol

Posted by Dianna

Pooping with the door open

I might be guilty of that when I lived alone... lol

Posted by whatisthisallabout

Posted by viviretrograde

Posted by whatisthisallabout

Posted by viviretrograde

I was once with someone who hated hanging out with my friends and family, so much so that he would only come around for some

Holidays to see my family and NEVER hung out with me and my friends. That didn’t bother me as much cause I knew his attitude and I didn’t necessarily want him hanging out with my friends anyway, but what was the dealbreaker was him taking me for granted. I put my all into relationships and I just saw him not caring anymore and not putting any effort into the relationship. My last straw was when I tried to talk to him about improving communication and his response was just like “we’ve been together for 2 years. This is all you’re gonna get” and I broke up with him after that. It depends on what you need and value from the relationship.

My ex also has communication issue, especially when it comes to initiating any conversation. He was so lazy. He just waited for me to contact him. He was too lazy to share anything with me himself (e.g. how his day went, his plan for the day, his plan for his career, etc.), if I didn't ask him first. He also didn't contact me unless he didn't hear from me for more than a day. He was extremely passive. I know he was not cheating or anything but I felt he put in no effort in sustaining this relationship. He just wanted me to do all the work. When I broke up with him, I told him I was tired of doing my personal one-man show. Even when it was our date night, he expected me to come up with what to do/where to eat, etc. and he did zero planning. He felt all he needed to do was showing up.

Omg!! I know exactly what that's like it's so draining to be the only one actually trying! Can I ask what your sign is, and what was his? I'm a cancer and my ex-bf was a Pisces. So incredibly passive but also the most ridiculous attitude if things didn't go his way. I'm so glad that's over. Sometimes people don't change, and you shouldn't waste your positive energy on someone that isn't going to reciprocate in any way really. The only reason I stayed so long was bc the sex was great, but once that mental connection isn't there anymore I just couldn't do it.

I’m Scorpio. He is Libra. My Pisces ex was lazy too and was Always late — literally every single time we were going to go somewhere do something he’s late and I remember there was a time he was like 2 hours late and told me he fell asleep lol I was mad back then but it’s kinda funny now.

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Oh he sounds very Libra. Dated a Libra once and he was so complacent I wanted to rip out my hair! And that's too funny, my pisces guy was lazy but I was always the one that was late so we both had things to work on haha. Well I'm glad you've moved on!

Posted by Jade_Alexander

I will NEVER be physically, emotionally, verbally or sexually abused again

That is the goal. 👍

Posted by Arielle83

Posted by VenusAquarius

Posted by Arielle83

Posted by VenusAquarius

Posted by Arielle83

Posted by whatisthisallabout

Btw, I’m also curious if anyone has ever successfully changed such bad behaviors, because I do wonder if I did anything to make them feel it’s ok to act like that (I hope not but if so, I want to learn to break the cycle or at least not repeat it with the next guy). I’m sure there are girls out there who are very good with this type of stuff and know how to teach a man how to be respectful.

You don’t teach or train anyone.

You accept them how they are.

You didn’t accept him or his behaviour, so you bounced.

Men aren’t dogs that need to be trained.

Do you want to be trained?

He sounds like an introvert. And maybe you don’t operate the way he thinks, so you don’t understand. What you find important isn’t what he finds important.

You just don’t mesh. No need to vilify someone and blame his upbringing and family for how he responds to you. You weren’t a part of his childhood, so you’re just judging because he has poor time management skills and he didn’t jump when you said to.

Agreed. I tried to say it nicey nicey.

The entitlement of people thinking they need to help their partner “change” is ridiculous.

Two random ppl meet and then they like each other on superficial levels, but when real behaviours come out, the dominant makes it known the other needs to change to better fit the others expectations.

You got to let ppl be themselves. They start resenting when love is taken away due to bad behaviour.

Men/women aren’t pets.

I’m sick of hearing chicks think it’s okay to manipulate to get their way

Even during divorce, my husband wanted to tell me he changed the next week. I told him I do not want him to change for me. Four years... and, I still needed evidence that that the change was not about me.

I know people can't change for others. Even when they try, it won't stick.

I see it more as adaptation.

Like when you move in with roommates, you respect their space and boundaries.

Why can’t it be the same as a couple?

Too many ppl think the other person needs to change without looking at themselves.

This thread is just a bitter chick venting over a guy that didn’t make her a priority, so yeah you bounce.

The need to vilify just means he never helped her ego.

Just not a match.

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Spending time or "respecting my time" will not equate to "making me a priority." So, I wouldn't bounce.

I think she accidentally vilified cause emotions are still there... as you say, "bitter chick." When she's at peace with it, she'll see it was a matter of compatability. As they say, she's "in her feelings" right now.

The ego thing though... probably is about feelings of not being a priority equating to being rejected...

Rejection somehow has been a theme I've noticed lately in the threads I have chose to participate in... and, that's what you sum up as entitlement. I break it down... ego + rejection.

Posted by Arielle83

Posted by VenusAquarius

Posted by Arielle83

Posted by VenusAquarius

Posted by Arielle83

Posted by whatisthisallabout

Btw, I’m also curious if anyone has ever successfully changed such bad behaviors, because I do wonder if I did anything to make them feel it’s ok to act like that (I hope not but if so, I want to learn to break the cycle or at least not repeat it with the next guy). I’m sure there are girls out there who are very good with this type of stuff and know how to teach a man how to be respectful.

You don’t teach or train anyone.

You accept them how they are.

You didn’t accept him or his behaviour, so you bounced.

Men aren’t dogs that need to be trained.

Do you want to be trained?

He sounds like an introvert. And maybe you don’t operate the way he thinks, so you don’t understand. What you find important isn’t what he finds important.

You just don’t mesh. No need to vilify someone and blame his upbringing and family for how he responds to you. You weren’t a part of his childhood, so you’re just judging because he has poor time management skills and he didn’t jump when you said to.

Agreed. I tried to say it nicey nicey.

The entitlement of people thinking they need to help their partner “change” is ridiculous.

Two random ppl meet and then they like each other on superficial levels, but when real behaviours come out, the dominant makes it known the other needs to change to better fit the others expectations.

You got to let ppl be themselves. They start resenting when love is taken away due to bad behaviour.

Men/women aren’t pets.

I’m sick of hearing chicks think it’s okay to manipulate to get their way

Even during divorce, my husband wanted to tell me he changed the next week. I told him I do not want him to change for me. Four years... and, I still needed evidence that that the change was not about me.

I know people can't change for others. Even when they try, it won't stick.

I see it more as adaptation.

Like when you move in with roommates, you respect their space and boundaries.

Why can’t it be the same as a couple?

Too many ppl think the other person needs to change without looking at themselves.

This thread is just a bitter chick venting over a guy that didn’t make her a priority, so yeah you bounce.

The need to vilify just means he never helped her ego.

Just not a match.

click to expand

Because people feed into the soulmate lie and expect their SO to be everything.

It’s not realistic or sustainable.

Waaaayyyy to much pressure as well. No one can live up to that standard.

I’m surprised how many people are just projecting. I’m sure there are things bothering you in a relationship as well. Whatever, if you don’t mind people canceling on you the last minute to play video games or running late without informing you first and then just asking you to wait for even longer, then you go for it. At least I’m not some gold digger who needs a guy to buy me expensive stuff to make me feel validated, or asking a guy to go shopping for hours when he hates it. Being flaky IS disrespectful. Why do you think all beauty salons now have a 24 hour cancellation policy and charge you for late cancellation? If you don’t want people to respect your time or have the curtesy to say they change their mind well beforehand, great! You can have those people. I value my time and I only want people who value my time in my life. You can deal with those who don’t, since obviously you have too much time on your hand and not have much to do anyways.

I think it’s crazy that some people believe that people cannot learn to respect other people’s time. Well, I’m sure those who get charged the cancellation fee the first time prob got super upset, but guess what? The second time most Will call ahead of the time if they have to cancel.

Posted by Ellygant

Posted by whatisthisallabout

Posted by Ellygant

Virgos are incredibly sensitive. More than they can admit about themselves more oft than not. Some do keep a rotation of people at a comfortable distance to collect validation but then they never really experience the love they need. On the inside, the vulnerability and sensitivity they feel when they love is so raw and throbbing it could put a few water signs to shame. They think it’s being smart and thinking ahead but really it’s more like they outsmart themselves out of their own happiness.

When they turn that intense intellect and intelligence in on themselves, they’re pretty unstoppable. Very independent but not in a showy way. Its because they connect to the world in both an intuitive and intellectual way once they stop being afraid or needing validation. That can be quite a combo for accomplishment.

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Love this!

I don’t need your approval to leave a relationship btw. If you have left a partner because of their unacceptable behaviors then you can just stop pointing fingers. You can decide what is acceptable to you, so can I. I just don’t want people to do things unacceptable to me and I’m sure there are ways to teach people what are not acceptable. If you don’t set boundaries nor even try to find a way to do so, then that’s your problem not mine. I consider setting boundaries a way to train people. People need training to know what is acceptable to you. But hey you can just go find mind readers, which I’m not interested in.

Also, if you have a job interview and it’s not ok for you to cancel the last min or show up late, then you can shut up too. If people need to respect other people’s time in a professional setting, then why they don’t when it’s a relationship? Something doesn’t bother you, doesn’t mean it’s right.

Posted by whatisthisallabout

I’m surprised how many people are just projecting. I’m sure there are things bothering you in a relationship as well. Whatever, if you don’t mind people canceling on you the last minute to play video games or running late without informing you first and then just asking you to wait for even longer, then you go for it. At least I’m not some gold digger who needs a guy to buy me expensive stuff to make me feel validated, or asking a guy to go shopping for hours when he hates it. Being flaky IS disrespectful. Why do you think all beauty salons now have a 24 hour cancellation policy and charge you for late cancellation? If you don’t want people to respect your time or have the curtesy to say they change their mind well beforehand, great! You can have those people. I value my time and I only want people who value my time in my life. You can deal with those who don’t, since obviously you have too much time on your hand and not have much to do anyways.

its a good thing to vent, better here than in real life 🙂

yes, everybody has their own boundaries what they accept or deem to be unacceptable.

for example, for me, being late or cancel events at the last minute is unfortunately my habit, its a bad one, so I try to compensate it with something else, nice and affectionate, going the mile (because I know I cant do the being punctual thing)

you said in your opening post, that he wanted to cancel the meeting with your friends and go for a dinner, just the two of you.... so it wasnt just the video-games

maybe he feels uncomfortable with your friends? maybe he promises to attend these events because he wants to make you happy, but in reality, he cant stand them or maybe he is not comfortable with the person you become when you are with your friends? (I dont know, I just try to explore the possible reasons)

so, the main thing is: everybody has different boundaries and what they accept..... dont push the "valuable time" thing, many people already said they dont think its a deal-breaker..... but, if its for you, then its perfectly okey......

just a thing: is/was he good in other areas? compensating?

for me unacceptable behaviour is, if people are mean to service people, or if they are cheapstakes (not giving tips), talking disrespectfully about their parents, not helping their friends and family

Posted by DrinkWater

Posted by Sunsetvirgo

Posted by DrinkWater

Posted by whatisthisallabout

Posted by DrinkWater

Not keeping your bootyhole clean and fragrant.

Has it worked in your favor? haha

I wouldn't know, I'm forever alone.

Wrong😡

You won’t be, not while I’m around 😡

You're so far away...

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But my love for you isn’t 🥰💖