How do I approach this situation with a Virgo man?

Hi, I am F (32) and met M (25) at a music festival in Spain. He lives in the US and I live in Europe, but we had this amazing time together and so I booked a trip to the US to see him. We were doing some long distance thing for 2 months and it was going really well, except for the last week and a half we had some tumultuous disagreements (I have abandonment fears and potential borderline personality disorder, which didn’t push him away when I told him that), and he has a fear of not being good enough. It turns out our disagreements caused him a lot of anxiety and he now claims he can’t meet me on this roadtrip as he’s worried his feelings for me will become too strong and he can’t deal with long distance. Even though I pleaded my case that I want to move to the US anyway, he seems to have made up his mind and is now refusing to speak to me. I was thinking to give him space and check in with him on a week on his birthday, and wish him a nice day. (There’s still a part of me that really hopes he’ll change his mind). Is this futile thinking? Things were so sweet between us and we were looking forward to seeing each other again so much, I’m just devastated and don’t know what to do. My flights can’t be refunded and I now have a whole extra month in the states and need to find somewhere to stay, that’s a whole other issue, but my main concern now is just how devastated I am that he doesn’t want to see me at all. Do you think some time and space to cool off might change his mind or should I just accept his decision as final?

Edit: I am Taurus Sun, Aquarius Rising, Libra Moon and he is Virgo Sun, Aries Rising, Gemini Moon.

Met at a festival, talking for 2 months and you're willing to relocate to where he is? 😳 Were you relocating because of him or did you actually find a job and know what you're gonna do when you relocate?

@baemaxx Well he lives in Florida, it was my plan to move to Los Angeles before I’d even met him, so the trip was actually to see him as well as check out LA. He thinks living in different states is still too much for him, but I also don’t know if I’m going to like LA or be able to afford it, which is why I’d be open to living in Florida (if things worked out between us). Strong emphasis on “if”. I would never bring this kind of stuff up that soon but seeing as he mentioned it as a hurdle I thought I’d say that I would be open to it. I know it sounds crazy the whole situation and it kind of is, but we really connected and got to this vulnerable lovely space (through long distance) and couldn’t wait to be reunited again. I guess the reality of long distance put him off, he’s afraid of feeling too much for me after the roadtrip we were meant to take. I’m just really not dealing with it well, especially because now I’m left with this whole month of not knowing where to stay, my flights back to Europe can’t be changed so I’m just kind of stuck there and gonna be feeling sad knowing I could’ve been with him instead.

This is not a healthy relationship for you with the issues that you have. Let’s just forget his issues for now.

As someone in a LDR, I can tell you it’s challenging af. And we’re in the same country at least! The distance will trigger all your fears and increases the potential for misunderstandings.

You both have to be really solidly bonded to have a chance. I’m not even sure I can make it. 😳

Where in the US are you going and when?

while this is a very normal virgo setup... air moons are an issue

@geminiflyby

I think you’re right. I’ve never tried long distance, it’s just he was the most sweetest, caring and patient person I’ve met since 10 years and it feels so hard to let this go before we’ve even had a chance to be reunited. I feel like I can’t bear this ending before it’s begun, and that he isn’t open to the possibilities of us being closer.

I’m going to LA Sept 1. I was meant to fly to Miami on the 10th to see him, we were going to travel around the whole states and then I’d fly back from Miami to LA on Oct 8th. I just feel so stupid, I know he’s trying to protect himself or whatever but he’s also completely fucked me over financially. But apart from that I’m just devastated. He said he won’t be changing his mind on his decision, but there’s a part of me that still hopes.

@Weeds can you elaborate on that?

“my main concern now is just how devastated I am that he doesn’t want to see me at all”

You’ve know dude for 8 weeks and have invested yourself to the point of devastation. That should be your actual concern. Do you genuinely care about him and his well-being or just your ego at being rejected? He said the conflict you started with him over your abandonment issues has given him anxiety. Your not concerned about that? Nope just concerned about how you feel.

He said he doesn’t want to do long distance and has stopped speaking to you despite of, or perhaps because of, your pleading. Don’t chase someone who doesn’t want you. Respect his choice.

Or add to his anxiety by not taking no for an answer. It’s your life 🤷‍♀️

@BaeMaxx I replied to you but it seems to have deleted my comment automatically. I don’t know what’s going on, this is my first time using this website.

I originally had plans to move to the US, specifically LA so I wanted to check it out, but admittedly I booked flights sooner than I would’ve so that I could see him too.

When he said he couldn’t do long distance I mentioned I’d be open to living closer to him or in Florida (as LA is expensive and I’m not sure if I could afford it), and he said he doesn’t want me to move there just for him. Which is fair enough I would never bring this stuff up so early usually, it’s just that he’s ruling out the possibility of it entirely, he insists he feels a lot for me and the only issue is distance.

Just feels like a contradiction, he’s worried he’ll feel too strongly for me after this roadtrip but he doesn’t want me to move for him? I don’t know how to process this.

@LadyNeptune I know that you raise valid points. Unfortunately my abandonment fears are being triggered and it’s hard for me right now. Especially because it’s hard to sum up the entirety of our ‘relationship’ this far - we both got really invested even in such a short time period. I was able to open up to him about vulnerabilities and so could he, and in many ways it’s been healing for both of us.

Just this past week sent him over the edge because I said something really stupid to him in a heated moment. I apologised profusely but it seemed to be too late.

I think I’m finding it hard to let go because I’m 32 and the last 6 years of dating have been with emotionally unavailable men. He was so sweet and caring (and very into me, which I also haven’t experienced lately) and I can’t forgive myself for having lost him.

Posted by frupachino

@LadyNeptune I know that you raise valid points. Unfortunately my abandonment fears are being triggered and it’s hard for me right now. Especially because it’s hard to sum up the entirety of our ‘relationship’ this far - we both got really invested even in such a short time period. I was able to open up to him about vulnerabilities and so could he, and in many ways it’s been healing for both of us.

Just this past week sent him over the edge because I said something really stupid to him in a heated moment. I apologised profusely but it seemed to be too late.

I think I’m finding it hard to let go because I’m 32 and the last 6 years of dating have been with emotionally unavailable men. He was so sweet and caring (and very into me, which I also haven’t experienced lately) and I can’t forgive myself for having lost him.

You are repeating your pattern. He is emotionally closed off to you. And now literally closed off.

“We both got really invested”. Correction, YOU got really invested and interpreted his interactions with you as him also being really invested. The harsh reality is he is not. Because if he was one ‘stupid comment by you’ would not be enough to turn him off entirely.

It’s easy to be sweet and caring and attentive in the early days and especially long distance. But you are the one pushing to move things along. You are the one uprooting your life and spending your time and money to come to him. You are the one making the effort here. His investment does not match yours. Your abandonment issues were always going to be an issue because of this.

You need a man who will chase you. You need a man who will prioritize you. You need a man who is unafraid of confronting and understanding your flaws and won’t run the first time things get uncomfy.

He is not it. But you can always waste another 8 weeks on chasing after him to find that out. What’s another 8 weeks on 6 years.

Posted by frupachino

@BaeMaxx I replied to you but it seems to have deleted my comment automatically. I don’t know what’s going on, this is my first time using this website.

I originally had plans to move to the US, specifically LA so I wanted to check it out, but admittedly I booked flights sooner than I would’ve so that I could see him too.

When he said he couldn’t do long distance I mentioned I’d be open to living closer to him or in Florida (as LA is expensive and I’m not sure if I could afford it), and he said he doesn’t want me to move there just for him. Which is fair enough I would never bring this stuff up so early usually, it’s just that he’s ruling out the possibility of it entirely, he insists he feels a lot for me and the only issue is distance.

Just feels like a contradiction, he’s worried he’ll feel too strongly for me after this roadtrip but he doesn’t want me to move for him? I don’t know how to process this.

Gotta take what he said with a grain of salt. There's a possibility that you're moving too quickly than he anticipated. And by moving, I don't mean relocating but actually making plans before he's even at the same level with you. Meeting at a festival and then talking for 2 mos doesn't always mean it will be happy times. He's a virgo and he's prolly quite realistic when it comes to this kind of thing. If he's really keen, even the distance won't bother him. And more so, since you've already planned to move closer. He also probably worried that he's gonna be forced in a relationship when you're there, when he's not yet ready for it.

I reckon continue your trip without including him in your plans. If he comes to see you, then good. If he doesn't then that's OK, too.

@ladyneptune it wasn’t really just the one comment, it was multiple incidences and they each happened with misunderstandings over phone/video call. However the other times were cleared up in a way with positive resolve that made us closer, only this last one did not end with resolve. It got intense.

The other times he really did stick with me and wanted to be there for me (more than any guy I’ve honestly dated) and this is why I’m finding it hard to live with.

He said he cared for me too much and got intense feelings too fast, he said whenever we’d have a disagreement that if he didn’t hear from me soon enough he’d go into a torment of anxiety from not knowing if I hated him. I don’t feel that it was just one sided.

He was also willing to take a whole month off of work to do this roadtrip, which I guess he isn’t doing now, but it seems like more of an emotional risk for him than a monetary one. I’m fully aware that I also acted impulsively in suggesting this roadtrip. But when I suggested shortening it to 2 weeks, he was sad he wouldn’t get to see me for as long.

I appreciate that you’re trying to get me to reality check myself and the expectations I placed on this but I also find it a bit unfair as you don’t know the whole story. Right now I am being pathetic though and I need to accept his decision.

@imperfectstorm

After I mentioned this, he halfheartedly offered to pay for the flights to Miami, which still leaves me with the fact I have to cover a month of solo accommodation somewhere in the states that he could’ve been helping me pay half of. Which is what we agreed on.

I’m just flabbergasted that he doesn’t understand this and is just leaving me stranded to deal with this, seeing as if I’d known earlier, I could’ve even changed my other flight from LA to Berlin to be a whole month sooner. Now I’m stuck there, because of this joined decision we made and that he’s pulled out of.

He said he was freaking out about trying to make a decision and apparently spoke to his father who helped him decide what to do. Last time I asked him he was very cold. I just feel pathetic at this point, it’s like he says he’s afraid of his feelings for me but isn’t even open to the option of us living closer together. He says he can’t go back to months of this long distance thing.

@baemaxx the thing is, I had the option of shortening this trip to 2 weeks when there was still time to adjust the flights. We spoke about it and he said he wanted to do the one month. Honestly, from the texts he was sending me and the calls we were having it was like we were in a relationship. He was being more romantic and just… emotionally present even during my abandonment fears that I felt he was too good to be true. But of course it got too much for him (just like every other guy I’ve dated). It hurts so much cos I see a therapist and try to work on my issues but it isn’t enough. Then he said it would be so much easier if we were together in person.

But finally he just snapped and said he can’t do this. That he was finding it too hard to be apart from me and that after this roadtrip his feelings for me would grow too strong and he couldn’t go back to this. (With our disagreements and also without the closeness). He said disagreements are fine but on video and call he gets too anxious without knowing how to reassure me.

Ugh. It’s just so messy and complicated, I wish I could reassure him but I feel like I’ve already messed it up by pleading and now I’m worried he’s lost all respect for me.

@imperfectstorm

Yeah you raise a good point, he lives overseas, but he just… I don’t know, was so into me, adored me and worshipped me when we were in person and this whole time via our long distance relationship he was embracing me with open arms, and really wanting to be there for me. He kept saying that he couldn’t wait to see me. It hurts so much to have this sweetness taken away, I guess I am starved of love. I know it’s because I find it hard to love myself, but is it really such a crime to want to be adored (as he adored me)?

Posted by frupachino

@geminiflyby

I think you’re right. I’ve never tried long distance, it’s just he was the most sweetest, caring and patient person I’ve met since 10 years and it feels so hard to let this go before we’ve even had a chance to be reunited. I feel like I can’t bear this ending before it’s begun, and that he isn’t open to the possibilities of us being closer.

I’m going to LA Sept 1. I was meant to fly to Miami on the 10th to see him, we were going to travel around the whole states and then I’d fly back from Miami to LA on Oct 8th. I just feel so stupid, I know he’s trying to protect himself or whatever but he’s also completely fucked me over financially. But apart from that I’m just devastated. He said he won’t be changing his mind on his decision, but there’s a part of me that still hopes.

Lady it's only been 2 months, how do you trust a stranger in such a short period of time? You do realize the damage he's done to you, aside that he's washing his hands off of you completely and you'll be on your own in the states. He does not want any responsibility. He is not into you, sorry to say that and I'm certain signs were there for you to pay attention.

Posted by frupachino

@ladyneptune it wasn’t really just the one comment, it was multiple incidences and they each happened with misunderstandings over phone/video call. However the other times were cleared up in a way with positive resolve that made us closer, only this last one did not end with resolve. It got intense.

The other times he really did stick with me and wanted to be there for me (more than any guy I’ve honestly dated) and this is why I’m finding it hard to live with.

He said he cared for me too much and got intense feelings too fast, he said whenever we’d have a disagreement that if he didn’t hear from me soon enough he’d go into a torment of anxiety from not knowing if I hated him. I don’t feel that it was just one sided.

He was also willing to take a whole month off of work to do this roadtrip, which I guess he isn’t doing now, but it seems like more of an emotional risk for him than a monetary one. I’m fully aware that I also acted impulsively in suggesting this roadtrip. But when I suggested shortening it to 2 weeks, he was sad he wouldn’t get to see me for as long.

I appreciate that you’re trying to get me to reality check myself and the expectations I placed on this but I also find it a bit unfair as you don’t know the whole story. Right now I am being pathetic though and I need to accept his decision.

Bro. Multiple incidences in 8 weeks. 56 days. That’s a huge red flag. He is right to prioritize his boundaries over a brand new connection that is not healthy for his mental health. Anxiety is no joke.

He knows the long distance is not going to work for him. You have to respect that decision. He may have been open to it before but is now firm in his choice.

People are allowed to change their minds!

Your not pathetic for being disappointed. But it is not ok to continue chasing after him. It sends a very clear message that you don’t respect his autonomy and just reinforces to him that he made the right choice to end it.

Holding onto your past failures in relationships as a reason to cling to this barely formed connection is a mistake that will only hurt you further.

Posted by frupachino

@baemaxx the thing is, I had the option of shortening this trip to 2 weeks when there was still time to adjust the flights. We spoke about it and he said he wanted to do the one month. Honestly, from the texts he was sending me and the calls we were having it was like we were in a relationship. He was being more romantic and just… emotionally present even during my abandonment fears that I felt he was too good to be true. But of course it got too much for him (just like every other guy I’ve dated). It hurts so much cos I see a therapist and try to work on my issues but it isn’t enough. Then he said it would be so much easier if we were together in person.

But finally he just snapped and said he can’t do this. That he was finding it too hard to be apart from me and that after this roadtrip his feelings for me would grow too strong and he couldn’t go back to this. (With our disagreements and also without the closeness). He said disagreements are fine but on video and call he gets too anxious without knowing how to reassure me.

Ugh. It’s just so messy and complicated, I wish I could reassure him but I feel like I’ve already messed it up by pleading and now I’m worried he’s lost all respect for me.

I guess this will be "lesson learned" for you. He's basically still a stranger - - with the length of time youve known each other. I can see why it doesnt matter much to him if you got fucked financially.

Insist on getting half the travel money back and cut him loose. The Gem I’m seeing announced he “couldn’t do long distance” after I had let my guard down and was starting to emotionally invest.

I said what I had to say to him and told him I was out. And if he changed his mind, he knew where to find me and that was it. Five months later he did have a change of heart and asked me if I was willing to try again. And now I feel like I’m still trying to build that trust back and it’s not easy.

You have to take care of yourself.

@pisceanloves I know that he was really into me, that’s not what I’m doubting, but I think he’s placing his own mental health issues as a priority over my well-being - I see more clearly now the immaturity of his age compared to mine and not realising the implications of this decision. The fact he was not willing to compromise and do the trip as friends, or do a shorter trip means he’s only thinking of himself. He offered to pay for half the flights but for me that does not compensate me for the whole month of extra accom I need to find.

Don’t travel! Get the flight money back and buy a vibrator. 😈

Posted by frupachino

@pisceanloves I know that he was really into me, that’s not what I’m doubting, but I think he’s placing his own mental health issues as a priority over my well-being - I see more clearly now the immaturity of his age compared to mine and not realising the implications of this decision. The fact he was not willing to compromise and do the trip as friends, or do a shorter trip means he’s only thinking of himself. He offered to pay for half the flights but for me that does not compensate me for the whole month of extra accom I need to find.

Have you already paid for the month

Accom?

Posted by geminiflyby

Don’t travel! Get the flight money back and buy a vibrator. 😈

I was about to say, don’t go...

@geminiflyby @mystarsshine

The situation is a bit more complicated.

I booked round trip tickets to LA, because I wanted to check it out as a city to live but also because admittedly I wanted to see this guy. I thought I’d kill two birds with one stone.

A LOT has been booked and planned in LA, so it feels weird to just cancel it. Miami however, was a round trip flight in which I’d go to see him first, we’d drive around the states with his car, then end up back in Miami so he doesn’t have to drive back alone, and then I’d go on a flight back to LA. The messed up thing this roadtrip is bookended with LA — and furthermore, I’ve found someone to rent my flat in Berlin and they’ve already paid for the 2 months I’m meant to be away.

I literally need to stay in the states to kill a month (and a month’s worth of accommodation costs), I’m honestly so pissed that I’m in this situation. I could try and live for cheap in some shitty town but also a part of me wonders if I do this roadtrip on my own via trains and planes. I’m just sad because I won’t be able to have this roadtrip experience I wanted - I’m a photographer and already spent €1000 on film cameras for this trip that I can’t return.

I feel like such a fool. What do I do?

Posted by frupachino

he’s placing his own mental health issues as a priority over my well-being - I see more clearly now the immaturity of his age compared to mine and not realising the implications of this decision. The fact he was not willing to compromise and do the trip as friends, or do a shorter trip means he’s only thinking of himself. He offered to pay for half the flights but for me that does not compensate me for the whole month of extra accom I need to find.

You don’t really care about him. You care about how he made you feel loved and wanted with his attention. If you actually did care about him genuinely you wouldn’t fault him for prioritizing his mental health. And you in fact would prioritize it yourself.

It seems very selfish and one sided. Take take take.

What is immature is faulting him for not covering the costs of a trip you initiated and paid for of your own volition. Own your choices here. Feeling victimized because he isn’t offering to pay for a month of hotel rooms for you in a trip you pushed is wild. If you had moved and he broke things off would you have expected him to cover your deposit and rent? It’s giving that same entitled energy.

Y’all aren’t even in a relationship!

Next time you want to have someone cover the costs for your trip get the money PRIOR to booking said flight. Better yet, have him come to you. Talk is cheap. Anyone can say they can’t wait to see you… until they don’t.

If you can’t afford the cost to travel to him then don’t. You are giving too much power to a stranger.

You wanted to check out la to see if you wanted to make the move. So do that. Explore the city and focus on yourself. Putting more energy into feeling disappointed that he wasn’t the person you thought is just more of a waste.

He isn’t going to pay your way. He’s not trying to talk to you. What is done is done.

With how quickly you latch on I bet you meet a guy in la and move in with him within the first few days. Miami will be a distant memory.

Tough love there @LadyNeptune

@GhostofKuromi That was helpful. 🙄

Month long rentals. Try Venice Breeze Suites if you want to be by the beach. Le parc suite hotel if you want to explore weho.

Personally I’d avoid lax area and dt, Uber to those areas but don’t stay there. Thank me later.

Posted by geminiflyby

Tough love there @LadyNeptune

I know. But you can’t cry over spilt milk. All you get is puffy eyes.

Posted by frupachino

@Weeds can you elaborate on that?

this may help.

https://practicalpie.com/the-push-pull-method-of-flirting

Why don't you use this time to travel and find yourself? Take a train trip from Miami to LA or something....you have your cameras... so many photo ops during that journey...so much to see and explore. Fuck this Virgo guy. This is your chance to do something exciting for yourself. Shit. I wish I had a month to just travel across a foreign country like that by myself. It is really easy to find accommodations in America...shouldn't be that much of a problem. Just stay away from shady truck stops.

I feel for you. Although I think you rushed into this way too soon but he also shouldn't have asked you to stay one month if you had originally planned on staying 2 weeks if he had no intention on meeting you.

If you have already booked and paid for everything I would still go. Try to make the best of it. Can a friend go with you or maybe try to meet people when you're there? When one door closes another opens. Do the things you want and see the things you want and maybe this trip will end up being really amazing anyway. ☺️

@SeaLion I really want to do this, but some of my cameras are really heavy - and I specifically bought a medium format analogue cameras for the trip which is a beast in itself, and with a car it wouldn’t be an issue along with my other cameras. I’m just kicking myself I can’t return it now. But I need to look up train trips and ways to get around I guess. I just hope I can get over the sadness that I’ll now be doing it alone and without his guy who I thought cared about me (he claims he does but what a joke).

@alexscaries

He said he used to have depression, really badly and had to see a therapist for it. He mentioned something about his intense feelings for me making him feel unstable especially in the last week - and one time after a disagreement he said he had been crying for hours and drinking. That was the first time I had heard of him drinking alone to deal with an issue, I don’t think he normally does that.

In our last call he mumbled something about how he thought he was better but that some things never change and that he thinks he needs to talk to someone about it.

He said this decision to end it was super hard for him as he feels a lot for me but thinks it’s the best decision for his mental health.

Other issues: he can’t handle with disappointing people (feels extreme guilt), I am worried I abused this due to my potential borderline personality disorder and insecurities, at the same time I loved how sincere he was and how much he cared.

@ladyneptune you are taking it too far with your last comment, with ‘how quickly I latch on’ and how you think I’ll meet someone else and move in with them.

How is that helpful in any way? It is spiteful and mean. I have borderline and it’s hard for me to feel safe around people.

We experienced this closeness and we had so many calls and texts where I felt his dedication and sincerity to me, I don’t feel that way often. I went 1.5 years without dating or sex before this as I’m aware of my issues, so I don’t find it fair that you can honestly be so judgmental.

This time I made a mistake, it didn’t work out, and the situation was too high stakes. I shouldn’t have thought this would be a good idea. But you don’t need to make me feel like he’s just anyone to me, someone I don’t care about at all.

Posted by frupachino

@ladyneptune you are taking it too far with your last comment, with ‘how quickly I latch on’ and how you think I’ll meet someone else and move in with them.

How is that helpful in any way? It is spiteful and mean. I have borderline and it’s hard for me to feel safe around people.

We experienced this closeness and we had so many calls and texts where I felt his dedication and sincerity to me, I don’t feel that way often. I went 1.5 years without dating or sex before this as I’m aware of my issues, so I don’t find it fair that you can honestly be so judgmental.

This time I made a mistake, it didn’t work out, and the situation was too high stakes. I shouldn’t have thought this would be a good idea. But you don’t need to make me feel like he’s just anyone to me, someone I don’t care about at all.

Good. Better to be mad at my judgement then pining over an illusion you built up in your head. I’ll gladly fill the villain role for you.

Falling so quickly for someone in 8 weeks is a weakness but it could also be a strength. Turn that energy into letting go and moving onto the next just as quickly. Love is a numbers game, simple as that.

Posted by frupachino

@LadyNeptune I know that you raise valid points. Unfortunately my abandonment fears are being triggered and it’s hard for me right now. Especially because it’s hard to sum up the entirety of our ‘relationship’ this far - we both got really invested even in such a short time period. I was able to open up to him about vulnerabilities and so could he, and in many ways it’s been healing for both of us.

Just this past week sent him over the edge because I said something really stupid to him in a heated moment. I apologised profusely but it seemed to be too late.

I think I’m finding it hard to let go because I’m 32 and the last 6 years of dating have been with emotionally unavailable men. He was so sweet and caring (and very into me, which I also haven’t experienced lately) and I can’t forgive myself for having lost him.

He’s also emotionally unavailable, hunny. You have to see this. Do what is best for yourself. He will pursue you if he’s serious about you, but it’s best to wait and see their movement before yourself moving. You want to see what kind of man he is—does he actively go after what he wants? Does he even know what he wants? Don’t go to him. Move to LA if that’s really where you want to be, or at least California. Any man who is worth your time will make that shit work!!! You both have more work to do internally if you’re still dealing with issues of the past like you both are—being bonded through trauma is not healthy.

I don't know what the hell is up with Taurus women when it comes to Virgo men but I have seen this scenario play on DXP for more than 10 years now.

Very very few Taurus women actually come on this board with a clear mind...the majority is absolutely delusional and persistent in their delusion to the point where it's the other party's fault for whatever they have conjured up in their head as the reality.

4 pages later you still talk about how you BOTH felt deeply. No, you did NOT both feel deeply. Virgos get zero credit for the strength of feeling but this is one sign that can do long distance and can actually do a lot if they are in love so all those excuses mean jackshit.

This has nothing to do with abandonment issues or borderline personality disorder - you are adamant that what YOU felt constitutes absolute reality and I really doubt anyone writing anything can sway you from that perspective so in the words of the great P-Angel..suffer as you wish.

Posted by frupachino

@alexscaries

He said he used to have depression, really badly and had to see a therapist for it. He mentioned something about his intense feelings for me making him feel unstable especially in the last week - and one time after a disagreement he said he had been crying for hours and drinking. That was the first time I had heard of him drinking alone to deal with an issue, I don’t think he normally does that.

In our last call he mumbled something about how he thought he was better but that some things never change and that he thinks he needs to talk to someone about it.

He said this decision to end it was super hard for him as he feels a lot for me but thinks it’s the best decision for his mental health.

Other issues: he can’t handle with disappointing people (feels extreme guilt), I am worried I abused this due to my potential borderline personality disorder and insecurities, at the same time I loved how sincere he was and how much he cared.

This is why I love people with BPD. Your hearts are really on your sleeves. So open and caring even when you feel wrong in your own right. You still think of the other.

BPD are people who have very high sensitivity bordering on empathic. What makes it a disorder and BPD is lack of emotional control and filters. That latter out of survival from childhood. Taking others needs and desires. People pleasing and mirroring to be liked and accepted. This causes issues with Personal barriers to others. All connections are a 2-way Street. That's what attracts others. The ease of connection and attachment.

Listen to him. This isn't just about his own wellbeing and mental health but yours. Especially with Libra moon. I'm guessing you pretzel yourself for others and have emotional backlashes. He does too in his own way. Virgo kick their own ass harder then anyone else can. That virgo sun, he doesn't see it working as he is and most likely see the effect it has on you and blames himself. It's a Virgo thing.



And drop the BPD title. Don't get caught up in that definition and trapped in it through belief. Focus on selfawareness to understand yourself without defining yourself it that way. A lot of the qualities of "BPD" can actually be expressed in a healthy way. It boils down to coping mechanism, personal boundaries you have to set for yourself, and selfawareness. Limit who you share yourself with and how much.

If you want to do something for him, give him a goal of seeing you again when he gets better. IF you insist or he wants to try tell him could practice with you. Just has to be open about his feelings to confront things as they come. Call him on his shit basically. Lol There is no better way then with someone who can read you. There is a lot we don't see or have the desire to change until we are confronted by it's effects on others and confronted with consequences🙂

It's part of radical honesty and a way to treat bpd. Selfawareness, understood, and self love.

You are 32 and he is 25. Are you insane? Expecting any kind of maturity from a boy you met at a festival is ludicrous. You acted like a crazy old lady hungry for flesh. Imposing, planning...For God's sake he even asked his father for advice. You scared him off. And you don't love him, you just got high on attention and desperately wanted more. It's cool that you have to go through it alone and pay for all, because it will teach you more than one worthy lesson.

Learn to love yourself and don't be desperate. Also don't expect anything, especially from a 25 year old boy.

Posted by GenericUsername

You are 32 and he is 25. Are you insane? Expecting any kind of maturity from a boy you met at a festival is ludicrous. You acted like a crazy old lady hungry for flesh. Imposing, planning...For God's sake he even asked his father for advice. You scared him off. And you don't love him, you just got high on attention and desperately wanted more. It's cool that you have to go through it alone and pay for all, because it will teach you more than one worthy lesson.

Learn to love yourself and don't be desperate. Also don't expect anything, especially from a 25 year old boy.

My dad married my mum at 22 and loved her and stayed by her side for over 40 years till her death.

Virgo married me in his mid twenties and is one of the most reliable and trusted people I know.

Some 25yr olds are more together than some 50yr olds going through a prolonged mid life crisis....

Posted by MyStarsShine

Posted by GenericUsername

You are 32 and he is 25. Are you insane? Expecting any kind of maturity from a boy you met at a festival is ludicrous. You acted like a crazy old lady hungry for flesh. Imposing, planning...For God's sake he even asked his father for advice. You scared him off. And you don't love him, you just got high on attention and desperately wanted more. It's cool that you have to go through it alone and pay for all, because it will teach you more than one worthy lesson.

Learn to love yourself and don't be desperate. Also don't expect anything, especially from a 25 year old boy.

My dad married my mum at 22 and loved her and stayed by her side for over 40 years till her death.

Virgo married me in his mid twenties and is one of the most reliable and trusted people I know.

Some 25yr olds are more together than some 50yr olds going through a prolonged mid life crisis....

click to expand

yes but it was a different time and as I presume not a great age gap? I have boys that age courting me, even slept with one, and they are all nice boys, but they yet have to live themselves out. I am very strict with myself about not ruining their life. It's just young energy in the end. And this boy asked his father for advice...he still sounds like a child.

Posted by GenericUsername

Posted by MyStarsShine

Posted by GenericUsername

You are 32 and he is 25. Are you insane? Expecting any kind of maturity from a boy you met at a festival is ludicrous. You acted like a crazy old lady hungry for flesh. Imposing, planning...For God's sake he even asked his father for advice. You scared him off. And you don't love him, you just got high on attention and desperately wanted more. It's cool that you have to go through it alone and pay for all, because it will teach you more than one worthy lesson.

Learn to love yourself and don't be desperate. Also don't expect anything, especially from a 25 year old boy.

My dad married my mum at 22 and loved her and stayed by her side for over 40 years till her death.

Virgo married me in his mid twenties and is one of the most reliable and trusted people I know.

Some 25yr olds are more together than some 50yr olds going through a prolonged mid life crisis....

yes but it was a different time and as I presume not a great age gap? I have boys that age courting me, even slept with one, and they are all nice boys, but they yet have to live themselves out. I am very strict with myself about not ruining their life. It's just young energy in the end. And this boy asked his father for advice...he still sounds like a child.

click to expand

Yes different times for sure....

he's just not that into you

not interested

maybe even married coz you never know in these LDRs

Posted by GenericUsername

You are 32 and he is 25. Are you insane? Expecting any kind of maturity from a boy you met at a festival is ludicrous. You acted like a crazy old lady hungry for flesh. Imposing, planning...For God's sake he even asked his father for advice. You scared him off. And you don't love him, you just got high on attention and desperately wanted more. It's cool that you have to go through it alone and pay for all, because it will teach you more than one worthy lesson.

Learn to love yourself and don't be desperate. Also don't expect anything, especially from a 25 year old boy.

A lot of what you say is valid. Yes, I am guilty of hooking onto the idea of him being able to save me and latched onto it. This was not good from the beginning, I did feel desperate, and I have to admit the city I live in has put me in a scarcity mindset, I also have low self esteem which I need to work on.

You’re right in that part of this is how much he was into me. He acted like he worshipped me (in person) and through text it was as though he was already in love with me, which I was feeling too because of his sincerity and earnestness.

He honestly he did go through a lot of misunderstandings with me and tried really hard with me. The first time I told him about my issues he thanked me for trusting him and we were crying together over video chat and it was intense and beautiful. He made it very clear that he wanted to be there for me and to try to understand me,

And despite his age he did seem able to take a lot of responsibility and acted in a more earnest and sincere way than most men I’ve dated (and I’ve dated older men as well as younger men).

My friends who were at the festival also met him and — we are all in our 30’s and have been jaded by men — they could tell he was sweet and genuine, which he is.

He’s a good person and he’s emotionally available, and he keeps telling me his decision is not how he felt about me, it’s just that repeated incidences of me getting triggered and him not being able to comfort me from a distance became too much for him. He said he sometimes felt physically ill when he’d wait for a response from me, as he worried I hated him. And I feel awful for that.

Its just really hard to let this go, because if there was a prototype for any man who’d be able to deal with me and be patient with me working on myself, I feel that he was it.

I never got triggered with jealousy with him because I felt how sincere he was, and that’s been an issue in every past relationship for me. So yes, even though I got intense too fast, with my dreaming and idealising of him, it’s still hard to live with this ending. There was a lot of hope put into it and I know for a fact it wasn’t one sided. I just pushed him too far and hurt him, and now I don’t know how to forgive myself and move on, and feel that there is someone else out there for me.

He is the first guy I was able to tell about borderline without it scaring him away, and I never told a guy about this before or felt safe enough to. I just got upset too much and he took this to be his fault. I couldn’t really get him to understand this is not because of him, it’s because of my fears. That he’s not doing anything wrong or bad… but he took it hard on himself and blamed himself.

Ugh, this is a long comment. Sorry.

Posted by Lostthoughts

Posted by frupachino

@alexscaries

He said he used to have depression, really badly and had to see a therapist for it. He mentioned something about his intense feelings for me making him feel unstable especially in the last week - and one time after a disagreement he said he had been crying for hours and drinking. That was the first time I had heard of him drinking alone to deal with an issue, I don’t think he normally does that.

In our last call he mumbled something about how he thought he was better but that some things never change and that he thinks he needs to talk to someone about it.

He said this decision to end it was super hard for him as he feels a lot for me but thinks it’s the best decision for his mental health.

Other issues: he can’t handle with disappointing people (feels extreme guilt), I am worried I abused this due to my potential borderline personality disorder and insecurities, at the same time I loved how sincere he was and how much he cared.

This is why I love people with BPD. Your hearts are really on your sleeves. So open and caring even when you feel wrong in your own right. You still think of the other.

BPD are people who have very high sensitivity bordering on empathic. What makes it a disorder and BPD is lack of emotional control and filters. That latter out of survival from childhood. Taking others needs and desires. People pleasing and mirroring to be liked and accepted. This causes issues with Personal barriers to others. All connections are a 2-way Street. That's what attracts others. The ease of connection and attachment.

Listen to him. This isn't just about his own wellbeing and mental health but yours. Especially with Libra moon. I'm guessing you pretzel yourself for others and have emotional backlashes. He does too in his own way. Virgo kick their own ass harder then anyone else can. That virgo sun, he doesn't see it working as he is and most likely see the effect it has on you and blames himself. It's a Virgo thing.



And drop the BPD title. Don't get caught up in that definition and trapped in it through belief. Focus on selfawareness to understand yourself without defining yourself it that way. A lot of the qualities of "BPD" can actually be expressed in a healthy way. It boils down to coping mechanism, personal boundaries you have to set for yourself, and selfawareness. Limit who you share yourself with and how much.

If you want to do something for him, give him a goal of seeing you again when he gets better. IF you insist or he wants to try tell him could practice with you. Just has to be open about his feelings to confront things as they come. Call him on his shit basically. Lol There is no better way then with someone who can read you. There is a lot we don't see or have the desire to change until we are confronted by it's effects on others and confronted with consequences🙂

It's part of radical honesty and a way to treat bpd. Selfawareness, understood, and self love.

click to expand

Thank you for your comment, and for saying things that helped me to understand the situation from his perspective and for not judging me. I’m feeling a lot of judgment on this thread and while it’s nice to have a reality check on ways I’ve been disillusioned, I also really know that he does care about me and that he just didn’t know how to handle my abandonment fears in a long distance relationship.

I think you are right that he blames himself. He said once in a phone call “I keep making mistakes, I keep upsetting you” and instead of reassuring him I just got triggered and upset because I’ve heard this so many times from men before. Usually when they say this it’s just the sign that they will leave.

I couldn’t explain to him properly that even if he was perfect, I’d still get triggered. Intensely. It’s a part of borderline / cPTSD / my extreme abandonment fears. I don’t even know if it’s borderline, because I don’t have this with friends. It’s only when I’m dating or in a romantic relationship with a man, that I feel this intense fear. It’s almost insufferable.

I know he cares about me, I know this is hard for him, but I just feel so sad and not ready to

let him go. The last time I texted him, I told him I wanted him to recover and feel better, and asked if I could check in with him closer to the Miami flight, if he’d be open to meeting me once he felt more stable. He surprisingly answered with “wouldn’t that make everything more last minute?” - I thought he would just say no, but maybe he’s considering it.

I replied and told him I could find a backup plan in case he doesn’t want to do it, that I’m asking around already and think there’ll be options, and that the flight will still be there if he decides he wants to see me. He hasn’t replied yet, so I’m really hoping he changes his mind. I think I’ll text him on his birthday this week just to show him I still care about him.

Do you think all hope is lost? Should I just give up on him and this? Has it gone already too far beyond redemption?