heliumfiasco
@heliumfiasco
13 Years1,000+ Posts
Comments: 872 · Posts: 3486 · Topics: 236
Well isn't this ironic.... haha
His relationship with his family is very close, but strange. They enable him to be this way and they all just hangout with each other constantly and cater to it. He's made "jokes" like im never moving out of here. And said he was going to build his kid a room in the basement!!! Like WTF haha
^ that being said - I'm sorry girl. 😢
Doesn't sound like he has any intention of changing his life.
Doesn't sound like he has any intention of changing his life.
Oh my god. Just died laughing! His sister lives there too! They all are successful, no reason for it!!!!! When he was supposedly "having problems" registering the car, his dad was like "what do you need a car for, you use ours"...... WTF!!!!
Ugh god, talk about a man-child. He wouldn't survive 5 minutes without his family. You're better off, luv.
PS: when I saw your profile pic, I thought I was staring at Rachel Weisz.
PS: when I saw your profile pic, I thought I was staring at Rachel Weisz.
Thank you! That woman is beautiful.
Thanks for the funny posts and reassurance. I kind of started to freak out this week, and wonder if my pressure to get his stuff together pushed him away. But honestly I think he sees nothing wrong with it.
Thanks for the funny posts and reassurance. I kind of started to freak out this week, and wonder if my pressure to get his stuff together pushed him away. But honestly I think he sees nothing wrong with it.
What a loser.. Would you want to marry in a family like that? and a "man" like that? NOPE. You will DEFINITELY find someone better than that. And you're gorgeous! You'll be fine.
Just my analysis of him, he might be afraid that he won't be able to provide the comfort he was given by his parents to his daughter? I don't know. But any explanation for this behavior is not really a good enough excuse since he's an adult now.
Just my analysis of him, he might be afraid that he won't be able to provide the comfort he was given by his parents to his daughter? I don't know. But any explanation for this behavior is not really a good enough excuse since he's an adult now.
What racial background is he? Some cultures are close knit and are like this.
My 32 yr old unmarried brother and I live with our mother. We are a very close knit family and in our culture it's nothing strange for unmarried individuals to be living with their parents.
My 32 yr old unmarried brother and I live with our mother. We are a very close knit family and in our culture it's nothing strange for unmarried individuals to be living with their parents.
Run!!!!
Well you're trying to change him so I can see why he's avoiding you. He was a bum from the gate, you can't make him do anything. He did you a favor, stop calling him.
He sounds scared, somewhat depressed and is using his parents as a security blanket. Not to make any excuses for his behavior, but Cancer guys can clam up when you "nag" them. The women may do this too, but the males can sulk more frequently when they are called out about something. Also Cancers can be secretive with their wealth and material gains. If they care about you, they'll share bits of it with you, but you may never know how deep it goes. You knowing his wealth and financial situation was probably very difficult for him to do. It was a huge weak spot for him.
Also if my Cancer friends are any indication, THEY HATE borrowing stuff without the means to pay it back. I basically have set up an understanding with my Cancer friends (and all of my friends really) that we are just in constant debt to each other. Your Cancer probably has a similar situation with his neighbor. He's not proud that he was borrowing a car. In his mind, he has NO Car. It's just a vehicle he can use if he needs it, but it's not his. So he won't claim it. That's going to be on his mind FOREVER, until the debt is paid in his mind.
To YOU it seems like he's doing just fine, but in HIS mind, he still has more building to do. Which begs the question, do you know what his financial situation was like before things fell apart? He may be comparing his current status to that. Cancers can become obsessed when they are building mode (like a mix of Virgo perfectionism with Scorpio obsession). They won't get back to how things were, they'll make sure that the build enough to create an even stronger foundation than what they originally had.
Also remember that Cancers can be VERY close to their families. So trying to pull him out of that situation needs to be done carefully. Analogy time: Ever try pulling a grab out of his hole? It's damn near impossible. Even better, ever try eating crab? You can be impatient use a cracker (which can ruin/waste the meat) OR you can eat it the natural way and gently pull the meat out by hand. You're going to need to coax him into opening up to you. Cancers really do have an emotional shell. Trying to force your way in, will lead to nothing. Be direct with him, but also be gentle.
When he said, "I obviously cant make you happy, find someone that can" he got defensive. He understands that you don't see him as a man and he is probably ashamed/hurt by this. He's beating himself up more than you ever could right now (so your nagging isn't helping). Since he does have a kid, he probably thinks having his child close to his family is the best option while he is going through financial/emotional straits. He's probably beating himself up about this as well. He's basically admitting that his parents were better at raising him than he is at raising his child. That a hard pill to swallow. So he's retreating back into his shell and "pushing" you away. He doesn't actually want you to leave though. This is all in defense even if it's self defeating. This is also why people say Cancers are "moody."
Also remember that you're an air sign. Your words are your tool. You can use your words to both help and hurt. You spend more time in your logical mind as a result. To you his actions seem illogical. He's a Cancer, meaning he feels more. You have to be careful with your words because they can wound him deeper than you think.
All that being said, communication is key in any relationship. He needs to be able to be forthright with you. He's definitely been focused on himself. I'm sure he knows you're right, but he's being stubborn and clamming up because of how you approached him. However I bet that if you were to sit him down and tell him how much you care about him and that you only want what's best, he'll open up slowly again. Let him know that you have his back even when you "nag", but he needs to be more open with you. Let him know that you're proud of the fact that his building process is going well. Acknowledge the fact that he made $ 60K in a positive light. Take note of the fact that he is doing what he feels he needs to do to make ends meet. Instead of accusing him of failing to launch, simply ask him what he feels his next step is. Ask him how he feels about being at his parents and when his time table is for moving out. Cancers do things on their own time too, just a heads up.
Also know I'm usually the first one to say, "A man should be a man and direct and blah blah," but I also know what it's like to have the world take a dump on your soul. The rebuilding process can be hard and I've seen other men (Cancers included) go through it. Being a proud person myself, I can empathize with how he probably feels.
Also if my Cancer friends are any indication, THEY HATE borrowing stuff without the means to pay it back. I basically have set up an understanding with my Cancer friends (and all of my friends really) that we are just in constant debt to each other. Your Cancer probably has a similar situation with his neighbor. He's not proud that he was borrowing a car. In his mind, he has NO Car. It's just a vehicle he can use if he needs it, but it's not his. So he won't claim it. That's going to be on his mind FOREVER, until the debt is paid in his mind.
To YOU it seems like he's doing just fine, but in HIS mind, he still has more building to do. Which begs the question, do you know what his financial situation was like before things fell apart? He may be comparing his current status to that. Cancers can become obsessed when they are building mode (like a mix of Virgo perfectionism with Scorpio obsession). They won't get back to how things were, they'll make sure that the build enough to create an even stronger foundation than what they originally had.
Also remember that Cancers can be VERY close to their families. So trying to pull him out of that situation needs to be done carefully. Analogy time: Ever try pulling a grab out of his hole? It's damn near impossible. Even better, ever try eating crab? You can be impatient use a cracker (which can ruin/waste the meat) OR you can eat it the natural way and gently pull the meat out by hand. You're going to need to coax him into opening up to you. Cancers really do have an emotional shell. Trying to force your way in, will lead to nothing. Be direct with him, but also be gentle.
When he said, "I obviously cant make you happy, find someone that can" he got defensive. He understands that you don't see him as a man and he is probably ashamed/hurt by this. He's beating himself up more than you ever could right now (so your nagging isn't helping). Since he does have a kid, he probably thinks having his child close to his family is the best option while he is going through financial/emotional straits. He's probably beating himself up about this as well. He's basically admitting that his parents were better at raising him than he is at raising his child. That a hard pill to swallow. So he's retreating back into his shell and "pushing" you away. He doesn't actually want you to leave though. This is all in defense even if it's self defeating. This is also why people say Cancers are "moody."
Also remember that you're an air sign. Your words are your tool. You can use your words to both help and hurt. You spend more time in your logical mind as a result. To you his actions seem illogical. He's a Cancer, meaning he feels more. You have to be careful with your words because they can wound him deeper than you think.
All that being said, communication is key in any relationship. He needs to be able to be forthright with you. He's definitely been focused on himself. I'm sure he knows you're right, but he's being stubborn and clamming up because of how you approached him. However I bet that if you were to sit him down and tell him how much you care about him and that you only want what's best, he'll open up slowly again. Let him know that you have his back even when you "nag", but he needs to be more open with you. Let him know that you're proud of the fact that his building process is going well. Acknowledge the fact that he made $ 60K in a positive light. Take note of the fact that he is doing what he feels he needs to do to make ends meet. Instead of accusing him of failing to launch, simply ask him what he feels his next step is. Ask him how he feels about being at his parents and when his time table is for moving out. Cancers do things on their own time too, just a heads up.
Also know I'm usually the first one to say, "A man should be a man and direct and blah blah," but I also know what it's like to have the world take a dump on your soul. The rebuilding process can be hard and I've seen other men (Cancers included) go through it. Being a proud person myself, I can empathize with how he probably feels.
My question is did you know all of this when you got with him?
"When I met him he had just gotten out of a relationship the year prior with his daughters mom.He was living at home and had no vehicle. He explained to me that he was rebuilding. I was sympathetic to this. Spent many hours trying to help him make a budget, rebuild his credit score, get him a credit card...etc. I thought we were in the process of getting him out of this."
Okay, so you did know! You just figured you're going to take this 31 year old adult who lives with his parents with no vehicle and teach him budgeting. If he wanted to move out or get a vehicle and drive, this 31 yr old man would have done it himself. He doesn't need to be spoon fed. You went for a guy who never met what you are looking for and tried to change him. That's not how it works. If you find his living with his parents strange then why did you get with such a man?
"When I met him he had just gotten out of a relationship the year prior with his daughters mom.He was living at home and had no vehicle. He explained to me that he was rebuilding. I was sympathetic to this. Spent many hours trying to help him make a budget, rebuild his credit score, get him a credit card...etc. I thought we were in the process of getting him out of this."
Okay, so you did know! You just figured you're going to take this 31 year old adult who lives with his parents with no vehicle and teach him budgeting. If he wanted to move out or get a vehicle and drive, this 31 yr old man would have done it himself. He doesn't need to be spoon fed. You went for a guy who never met what you are looking for and tried to change him. That's not how it works. If you find his living with his parents strange then why did you get with such a man?
Chuckem. Thank you so much for taking the time for that really well thought out response. It really helped me see his perspective and my own part in this.
I'm not saying I wasn't aware of his situation. I very clearly stated I was under the impression this was temporary. I myself had to move home after a breakup to reestablish myself. I was out in six months. I totally understand that. My concern is his complete lack of motivation. I feel that he very strongly portrayed this situation in a different light. That he was getting a carin a few weeks. Moving out. I realized recently after speaking to his mom.... he's only not lived there once. I wasn't expecting that. However, I do agree that I'm being agressive and trying to change his situatuon. My whole point in posting was to get perspective of my own role in this. I very much agree with what everyone has said 🙂 thanks so much
I also care where he lives because he's 45 minutes away. We both have kids. If I sleep there I have to see his family in the morning! He also told me from JUMP he was on his way out! I just am in-between feeling like I'm being too hard, and that I'm right for feeling this way, because he's been passively telling me he's getting it together, but actually doing nothing. If he had at least got a car, the house wouldn't bother me as much. But accomplishing nothing concerns me. It's not like he was like "I live at home, don't have a car and I love it". It was the complete opposite kind of conversation.
Posted by heliumfiascoFor sure, it makes sense that you would want to check the fairness of the situation. You thought that he may have been using you in some way and potentially hiding the truth. You're also holding him to his word, which in your mind he wasn't keeping. There's nothing wrong with that. I don't doubt that he did get a little comfortable living at home. Giving him a nudge in the right direction is healthy. You're looking to balance out the situation, just remember you have to be gentle with Cancers. Even a slight look will have them interpreting what you're saying to them.
I also care where he lives because he's 45 minutes away. We both have kids. If I sleep there I have to see his family in the morning! He also told me from JUMP he was on his way out! I just am in-between feeling like I'm being too hard, and that I'm right for feeling this way, because he's been passively telling me he's getting it together, but actually doing nothing. If he had at least got a car, the house wouldn't bother me as much. But accomplishing nothing concerns me. It's not like he was like "I live at home, don't have a car and I love it". It was the complete opposite kind of conversation.
Also remember that as a Libra, you're not a big fan of physical distance in the relationship. 45 minutes can be a lot to you. Cancers don't care as much. Seriously just imagine a crab leaving it's hole in the sand and venturing out into the vast ocean for food, only to return to its hole later. Imagine a hermit crab that simply takes its home with it and is basically nomadic. In fact most Cancers I know travel an obscene amount simply for work, which is funny because they can still be homebodies. The 45 minute drive probably doesn't register in his mind the way it does for you.
Know this, the Cancer will focus on his home before he focuses on his car. I mean that both literally and figuratively. What he can amass at home, the security his home can provide, will be more important to him than how he gets places. Use this to your advantage. If you care about him, become invaluable to him. Become his home so to speak. Cancers can be oddly stubborn, so have him come to you and make it seem like it was his idea (just don't make it obvious that's what you're doing. Cancers hate reverse psychology).
Since you're already helping him with his finances (again that's a big deal for him), he already trusts you. My advice would be to apologize for snapping at him, but charmingly let him know what you want to see from him moving forward. Let him know that you want to be there for him. Then let him mull it over like Cancers do. He'll understand that you're not attacking him and take the steps necessary to achieving those goals.
Thanks so much for the advice! I totally don't blame him in this situation. I know these are my expectations. I just felt mislead and discouraged that I'll have to lose this great guy, because he lacks motivation. You're totally right, he travels an hour to work. The distance has never bothered him. It does me a bit, which is why I'd like him to get a place. More so, I just want to feel I'm investing in someone who has drive. Any show of progress would have been reassuring and put me at ease. Nothing accomplished? That concerns me.
Yeah, I feel very hurt that he has ceased all contact with me over this. I thought we were a little more in love than that. I would have liked to talk it over. But, I understand he feels like ive been overbearing. It was coming from a good place. He unblocked my phone number, but still wont respond to an attempt I made to speak to him, after reading some of your guys advice I wanted to take a different approach. Not sure why he unblocked my number if he didnt intend to speak to me. It's out of my hands.
Your views on life =/= his views on life.
Move on.
The fact that you came here, ready to hang on to this fuckwit says more about you than it does him.
Move on.
The fact that you came here, ready to hang on to this fuckwit says more about you than it does him.
I can see you investing all this time, energy, and money into turning him from a peter pan into a stable man only to have him end things with you. How are you gonna feel when the next woman benefits from all your hard work?
Posted by LadyNeptunePeople who go into relationships with the main motivation to "fix" or "change" someone are morons.
I can see you investing all this time, energy, and money into turning him from a peter pan into a stable man only to have him end things with you. How are you gonna feel when the next woman benefits from all your hard work?
Long term it just ends up in a lot of problems.
Posted by heliumfiascoI don't know a lot about cancer men much but I understand where you are coming from - give him time to chill and see if he comes out of his shell and then just listen - you've pretty much said it all already ...
Yeah, I feel very hurt that he has ceased all contact with me over this. I thought we were a little more in love than that. I would have liked to talk it over. But, I understand he feels like ive been overbearing. It was coming from a good place. He unblocked my phone number, but still wont respond to an attempt I made to speak to him, after reading some of your guys advice I wanted to take a different approach. Not sure why he unblocked my number if he didnt intend to speak to me. It's out of my hands.
good luck and sorry you fell so hard for someone with different goals in life but yet was telling you differently - he seems to be a tad in denial - yet I'm sure it is cushy living up under mum and dad but I would not want to see his parents in the morning yuk !
Posted by rockyroadicecreamWhat happens when they are all 'fixed' and built up into the image you made for them though? Like do you get bored and move onto the next project? Do you get insecure that they might leave you for someone else, like a fat dude who drops weight and discovers his dick again...?Posted by LadyNeptunePeople who go into relationships with the main motivation to "fix" or "change" someone are morons.
I can see you investing all this time, energy, and money into turning him from a peter pan into a stable man only to have him end things with you. How are you gonna feel when the next woman benefits from all your hard work?
Long term it just ends up in a lot of problems.
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These are the questions keeping me up at night.
Once again, I didn't go into this trying to "change" him. I went in thinking this was temporary, because of his split with his ex and trying to secure himself for his child. I myself moved home after a breakup and it took me about 6 months to get out. It was recent to the time i met him. I related to his situation. My concern isn't that he was living at home, its his lack of motivation to get his situation in order. I didn't get into the relationship thinking he needed changing. I went in thinking "He's starting over. As a partner ill help him with simple shit like building credit and budgeting." I don't see that as trying to change him, but being a supportive partner. Along the way I realized this wasnt the case... and here I am, consulting with you all BECAUSE im frustrated at the current situation. Wondering if he is really giving up on us...because I'm upset. If he really that fragile?
You were being captain save a ho, you silly bitch. Jfc what don't you see about that?
"I did his taxes and helped his credit score and did all this captain save a hoe shit."
People are works in progress on their own accord. They are not there for you to fix. If you have to go around in life, "fixing" people to make yourself have worth, you need some damned therapy. It's not healthy or sane.
"I did his taxes and helped his credit score and did all this captain save a hoe shit."
People are works in progress on their own accord. They are not there for you to fix. If you have to go around in life, "fixing" people to make yourself have worth, you need some damned therapy. It's not healthy or sane.
I'm not sure how doing his taxes and helping him budget is me being "captain save a hoe". He also picked up furniture for me, fixed my refrigerator, changed my oil.... because those were things I didnt know how to do, or needed help with. I happen to know how to do taxes, so did them. In the process realized his financial situation was much different than I thought, which intensified my concern, leading to the final conversation. I think the point of a relationship is to be there for each other.
Posted by CaramelizedCoffeeI think you might be right. I appreciate your insight 🙂Posted by heliumfiascono, he's emotionally manipulating you, dont' fall for it.
Once again, I didn't go into this trying to "change" him. I went in thinking this was temporary, because of his split with his ex and trying to secure himself for his child. I myself moved home after a breakup and it took me about 6 months to get out. It was recent to the time i met him. I related to his situation. My concern isn't that he was living at home, its his lack of motivation to get his situation in order. I didn't get into the relationship thinking he needed changing. I went in thinking "He's starting over. As a partner ill help him with simple shit like building credit and budgeting." I don't see that as trying to change him, but being a supportive partner. Along the way I realized this wasnt the case... and here I am, consulting with you all BECAUSE im frustrated at the current situation. Wondering if he is really giving up on us...because I'm upset. If he really that fragile?
he's acting like a child. stop worrying about it. Do you! He'll come back.click to expand
Posted by CaramelizedCoffeeYou're right. I don't think i'm wrong for being concerned. I do however question if my approach was too direct and forceful. I just wanted an opportunity to discuss it with him again. Although the final conversation was the second one. I think he felt overwhelmed. Im just so shocked by his response. I will say I was critical and demanding with it. But damn...Posted by heliumfiascoI agree, i think there's too many negative people on this thread, that might not give you accurate or meaningful advice.
I'm not sure how doing his taxes and helping him budget is me being "captain save a hoe". He also picked up furniture for me, fixed my refrigerator, changed my oil.... because those were things I didnt know how to do, or needed help with. I happen to know how to do taxes, so did them. In the process realized his financial situation was much different than I thought, which intensified my concern, leading to the final conversation. I think the point of a relationship is to be there for each other.
The only thing I can tell you is that I as a crab don't like when someone pressures me or tells me what to do, everything is on my own time.
there are a billion thoughts going in my head at all times. I don't need you tell me about my life or how to live it.
also he TRUSTED you with his financial information, that's crazy huge in my eyes, sheet i don't even think my husband will know anything about my finances...its so PERSONAL
lol
i think this is all about how you communicate to him...don't throw accusations or words of criticism
but more like honey i wish you lived closer to me ...or better yet ..honey what do you think of moving in together
cause as a Crab who loves saving money i aint going to get an apartment for someone else to feel better
lol im going to get one cause it serves my interest
it doesn't yet for him.
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Posted by heliumfiascoYou've been seeing this emotionally selfish behaviour for the last 8 months?!! Is 8 months a short period of time for you to understand what kind of man you are dealing with?
I have been continuously told he was getting a car on the road "next week" for like 8 months. His child sleeps in his bed because she has no room. He's 31 and has only not lived at home for 8 months. I tell him repeatedly my concerns. That I feel this is a high school relationship, because on top of this he can be emotionally selfish. I did nag him. I did freak out, finally after months of nothing. He says "I obviously cant make you happy, find someone that can"..... refuses to answer my 20 texts/calls over a 4 day period (I know that's bad, but I was just so floored).
Posted by aquarius09Well, ya know, to be honest. I didn't start to get concerned until about 2 months ago. I wasnt expecting this was going to happen overnight. He spent a lot of money in court with his ex over custody of his daughter. He had told me he was waiting to get his next electrical certification (hes in the union)... He ended up getting his raise so I was thinking "Okay, well now hes gonna start making shit happen"....waited....waited. Mentioned it, was reassured. Then finally realized it wasn't happening. Mentioned it twice. Last conversation it just popped off and he faded out completely.Posted by heliumfiascoYou've been seeing this emotionally selfish behaviour for the last 8 months?!! Is 8 months a short period of time for you to understand what kind of man you are dealing with?
I have been continuously told he was getting a car on the road "next week" for like 8 months. His child sleeps in his bed because she has no room. He's 31 and has only not lived at home for 8 months. I tell him repeatedly my concerns. That I feel this is a high school relationship, because on top of this he can be emotionally selfish. I did nag him. I did freak out, finally after months of nothing. He says "I obviously cant make you happy, find someone that can"..... refuses to answer my 20 texts/calls over a 4 day period (I know that's bad, but I was just so floored).
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Posted by heliumfiascoActions. It's all about actions. See things happens in a reasonable amount of time. If they aren't happening, then you need to look out for yourself.Posted by aquarius09Well, ya know, to be honest. I didn't start to get concerned until about 2 months ago. I wasnt expecting this was going to happen overnight. He spent a lot of money in court with his ex over custody of his daughter. He had told me he was waiting to get his next electrical certification (hes in the union)... He ended up getting his raise so I was thinking "Okay, well now hes gonna start making shit happen"....waited....waited. Mentioned it, was reassured. Then finally realized it wasn't happening. Mentioned it twice. Last conversation it just popped off and he faded out completely.Posted by heliumfiascoYou've been seeing this emotionally selfish behaviour for the last 8 months?!! Is 8 months a short period of time for you to understand what kind of man you are dealing with?
I have been continuously told he was getting a car on the road "next week" for like 8 months. His child sleeps in his bed because she has no room. He's 31 and has only not lived at home for 8 months. I tell him repeatedly my concerns. That I feel this is a high school relationship, because on top of this he can be emotionally selfish. I did nag him. I did freak out, finally after months of nothing. He says "I obviously cant make you happy, find someone that can"..... refuses to answer my 20 texts/calls over a 4 day period (I know that's bad, but I was just so floored).
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My best friend for several years was a cancer man. He is the laziest human I have ever met. He is also the biggest liar, thief and user I have ever met. He was also the biggest whore Ive evet met, he will have sex with anything, probably even his children. Never has money or a job, but is good with the ladies and takes total advantage of them. Id give him money to pay bills hed use it to go bang one of his whores. He is the most useless human I have ever met. I got rid of that guy a few years back, he shows up at my house hell get shot.
Ive had nothing but problems with cancer sign people. Nowdays I typically avoid them.
Ive had nothing but problems with cancer sign people. Nowdays I typically avoid them.
Posted by aquarius09Yeah, I just have to say, he was so sweet, attentive, nurturing... I just wanted to believe the best in him. However, as an adult I realize I was going to need him to be able to be self sufficient in order for me to feel okay with the relationship. You want to feel you can grow with someone. I felt he was madly in love. I was shocked by him dropping off the face of the planet over this.Posted by heliumfiascoActions. It's all about actions. See things happens in a reasonable amount of time. If they aren't happening, then you need to look out for yourself.Posted by aquarius09Well, ya know, to be honest. I didn't start to get concerned until about 2 months ago. I wasnt expecting this was going to happen overnight. He spent a lot of money in court with his ex over custody of his daughter. He had told me he was waiting to get his next electrical certification (hes in the union)... He ended up getting his raise so I was thinking "Okay, well now hes gonna start making shit happen"....waited....waited. Mentioned it, was reassured. Then finally realized it wasn't happening. Mentioned it twice. Last conversation it just popped off and he faded out completely.Posted by heliumfiascoYou've been seeing this emotionally selfish behaviour for the last 8 months?!! Is 8 months a short period of time for you to understand what kind of man you are dealing with?
I have been continuously told he was getting a car on the road "next week" for like 8 months. His child sleeps in his bed because she has no room. He's 31 and has only not lived at home for 8 months. I tell him repeatedly my concerns. That I feel this is a high school relationship, because on top of this he can be emotionally selfish. I did nag him. I did freak out, finally after months of nothing. He says "I obviously cant make you happy, find someone that can"..... refuses to answer my 20 texts/calls over a 4 day period (I know that's bad, but I was just so floored).
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Posted by CaramelizedCoffeeI'm sure that his family helps out with his kid too. He may be able to afford to get his own place and pay for child care but why do that if he can depend on his family unit?
it seems his family doesn't drive him nuts and they coddle him, that would make it harder for me to move out. my parents annoy me. my siblings too.
i had to get out for the sake of my sanity, but weirdly i spend Friday-Sunday at my parents LOL
and so all my siblings.
Posted by allyouneedisloveandwine
What a loser.. Would you want to marry in a family like that? and a "man" like that? NOPE. You will DEFINITELY find someone better than that. And you're gorgeous! You'll be fine.
Just my analysis of him, he might be afraid that he won't be able to provide the comfort he was given by his parents to his daughter? I don't know. But any explanation for this behavior is not really a good enough excuse since he's an adult now.
Posted by Pisco
Honestly, this sounds ridiculous to me. I think it sounds worse because he's a father. Where is his ambition to have his own things, and provide for his child? To each their own, I suppose, but I wouldn't be able to handle this type of behavior or life style .click to expand
Just to play devil's advocate...
He is providing for his child. He makes decent money. And by choosing to stay at home with the support of his family, that's the best thing for his child's health and the health of his bank account. Why wouldn't he live at home where his child can be looked after by it's grandparents instead of strangers while daddies as work? Instead of wasting money on renting he can be stacking those bills to buy his own place in the future.
I can't believe that so many people are so quick to write off those who live at home. As long as the op and him have privacy there...whats the big deal? Op just doesn't want her friends to know her boyfriend still lives with his parents, that's all. Its about her ego and pride, not whats best for him and his child.
Posted by LadyNeptunePosted by allyouneedisloveandwine
What a loser.. Would you want to marry in a family like that? and a "man" like that? NOPE. You will DEFINITELY find someone better than that. And you're gorgeous! You'll be fine.
Just my analysis of him, he might be afraid that he won't be able to provide the comfort he was given by his parents to his daughter? I don't know. But any explanation for this behavior is not really a good enough excuse since he's an adult now.Posted by Pisco
Honestly, this sounds ridiculous to me. I think it sounds worse because he's a father. Where is his ambition to have his own things, and provide for his child? To each their own, I suppose, but I wouldn't be able to handle this type of behavior or life style .
Just to play devil's advocate...
He is providing for his child. He makes decent money. And by choosing to stay at home with the support of his family, that's the best thing for his child's health and the health of his bank account. Why wouldn't he live at home where his child can be looked after by it's grandparents instead of strangers while daddies as work? Instead of wasting money on renting he can be stacking those bills to buy his own place in the future.
I can't believe that so many people are so quick to write of those who live at home. As long as the op and him have privacy there...whats the big deal? Op just doesn't want her friends to know her boyfriend still lives with his parents, that's all. Its about her ego and pride, not whats best for him and his child.click to expand
This does sound logical. I understand your point. The thing is, his daughter doesn't go to daycare, and she lives primarily at her moms. He never asks his parents to watch her. She's never had her own bedroom at either house, and still sleeps in his bed. I get the logic of saving money. And as ive somewhat said... the house thing wouldnt bother me so much if he had a car of his own. He asks to borrow their car to come see me. As a 31 year old woman... it makes me feel weird. If he had just produced one of these things in 8 months... Id not be complaining! But nothing? Im scared!
Posted by heliumfiascoAs long as its give and take. Never bend over backwards for anyone, unless your both naked...then it's okay.
I'm not sure how doing his taxes and helping him budget is me being "captain save a hoe". He also picked up furniture for me, fixed my refrigerator, changed my oil.... because those were things I didnt know how to do, or needed help with. I happen to know how to do taxes, so did them. In the process realized his financial situation was much different than I thought, which intensified my concern, leading to the final conversation. I think the point of a relationship is to be there for each other.
Posted by heliumfiascoIt's a red flag. So you should pull back emotionally. Don't invest any further until he proves to be taking steps towards independence.Posted by LadyNeptunePosted by allyouneedisloveandwine
What a loser.. Would you want to marry in a family like that? and a "man" like that? NOPE. You will DEFINITELY find someone better than that. And you're gorgeous! You'll be fine.
Just my analysis of him, he might be afraid that he won't be able to provide the comfort he was given by his parents to his daughter? I don't know. But any explanation for this behavior is not really a good enough excuse since he's an adult now.Posted by Pisco
Honestly, this sounds ridiculous to me. I think it sounds worse because he's a father. Where is his ambition to have his own things, and provide for his child? To each their own, I suppose, but I wouldn't be able to handle this type of behavior or life style .
Just to play devil's advocate...
He is providing for his child. He makes decent money. And by choosing to stay at home with the support of his family, that's the best thing for his child's health and the health of his bank account. Why wouldn't he live at home where his child can be looked after by it's grandparents instead of strangers while daddies as work? Instead of wasting money on renting he can be stacking those bills to buy his own place in the future.
I can't believe that so many people are so quick to write of those who live at home. As long as the op and him have privacy there...whats the big deal? Op just doesn't want her friends to know her boyfriend still lives with his parents, that's all. Its about her ego and pride, not whats best for him and his child.
This does sound logical. I understand your point. The thing is, his daughter doesn't go to daycare, and she lives primarily at her moms. He never asks his parents to watch her. She's never had her own bedroom at either house, and still sleeps in his bed. I get the logic of saving money. And as ive somewhat said... the house thing wouldn't bother me so much if he had a car of his own. He asks to borrow their car to come see me. As a 31 year old woman... it makes me feel weird. If he had just produced one of these things in 8 months... Id not be complaining! But nothing? Im scared!click to expand
I've found that men are a lot like dogs. Positive reinforcement works. Don't ever berate him. Ignore the shitty behavior and reward the good. Subtly point out all the positives of your viewpoint. I.e. late night phone call you can tell him your super horny and wish he was there so you could give him a mouth party. Watch how quickly he registers that car!
He is probably really overwhelmed with all the change going on in his life. Cancers like their routine. Instead of pushing the issue of him moving which would be overwhelming to anyone, start by supporting small changes that are doable goals. Text him shopping links for beds for his daughter. Help him fill out his registration, etc.
Posted by Areyoumytwinflame
I think I have read yours posts about this cancer guy before. I want to be brutally honest and I hope you're not insulted.
When a cancer wants to be with you they are pretty much all in. They will move mountains for the people they love.
He has a lot of reservations about you-possibly sees no future at all. Maybe because of something you did in the past/present or because he's just not ready. But he's not going to tell you this. He will "stay" in the relationship putting in minimal effort and never initiate a breakup...for years.
You're wasting your time. He will definitely come back because he's probably gotten comfortable with you. But he's not going to change anything.
Please don't have sympathy for him. He is where he wants to be. He is not a victim of circumstance. Don't underestimate a cancers ability to get shit done when they want it. He just doesn't want it.
I've never posted anything but positive things about him. He's been a delight besides this. I do see a lot of reason in what you're saying though. If i were to go with my gut though, his reaction to anything he sees as negative is to COMPLETELY shut down and hide from it. He doesn't have much confidence in himself for some reason. Always thinking the worst.
Posted by CaramelizedCoffee
oh look aqua09 all over our boards yet again. stay sucking this crab dick!
I'm not here for you. Stop flattering yourself and your dick ?
His family(especially his mum) will be very influential on his life, the way he behaves and how he treats other people x
Posted by AreyoumytwinflameI mean besides little things here and there... nothing really. Earlier that day he said he was happy. There must be something though. This seems excessive. Although I will genuinely say wmy demeanor about this has been poor the last month. I think instead of encouraging him like I was before, I started to discourage him with my attitude about it. It's always two people.Posted by heliumfiascoI guess I'm confusing you with someone else then. But you've not had any issues until recently and he broke up with you over it?Posted by Areyoumytwinflame
I think I have read yours posts about this cancer guy before. I want to be brutally honest and I hope you're not insulted.
When a cancer wants to be with you they are pretty much all in. They will move mountains for the people they love.
He has a lot of reservations about you-possibly sees no future at all. Maybe because of something you did in the past/present or because he's just not ready. But he's not going to tell you this. He will "stay" in the relationship putting in minimal effort and never initiate a breakup...for years.
You're wasting your time. He will definitely come back because he's probably gotten comfortable with you. But he's not going to change anything.
Please don't have sympathy for him. He is where he wants to be. He is not a victim of circumstance. Don't underestimate a cancers ability to get shit done when they want it. He just doesn't want it.
I've never posted anything but positive things about him. He's been a delight besides this. I do see a lot of reason in what you're saying though. If i were to go with my gut though, his reaction to anything he sees as negative is to COMPLETELY shut down and hide from it. He doesn't have much confidence in himself for some reason. Always thinking the worst.
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