The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

My name is Smokey I am P Angel's husband, P Angel passed away on November 27th 2017.

Wow! I'm very sad to read all of this especially the ugly part. Be strong. I hope that all this pain and suffering that you are undergoing is wiping away all the bad/sin you did in your life. I believe in accounting for our bad deeds and I like to believe that all this pain you're facing is for a reason as well. That is the only thing that makes sense for me to see a fragile human persevere through so much pain.

I don't wish what you're facing on my worst enemy. May your suffering come to an end soon. I hope that God grants your family and loved ones patience during this difficult time.

Thank you P-Angel

It's hard to know what to say

I hope it won't get too much more painful

♥

Posted by CaramelizedCoffee
how horrific.

I was told on the day I was diagnosed that NOBODY recovers from this type of cancer.

So, I'm prepared, we have spent these past months putting all our ducks in row, and I'm ready now.

Posted by Wynter
Thank you P-Angel

It's hard to know what to say

I hope it won't get too much more painful

♥

I know it's hard to figure out what to say ... but, you know, you just go with how they operate in life, and surely people realize that I want it point blank in my face.

The doctors were quite shocked at me when I cut them off and told them forgo all the ego pampering, that I don't do will with other people's insecurities. They eyeballed each other and then started anew, telling my the facts, and sugar.

I have pain killers, and take them all the time. At first I thought I was going to be a superhero and endure ... now I'm like give me more, give me more

There's really nothing anyone can say though, I know I'm dying (soon) and I won't hide from that like coward.

You're welcome 🙂

Don't they supppsed to tell patients 'yes you have cancer but yes you have a chance!' Not like 'no one recovered yet'...wtf? It's like they saying 'you better take some poison now!'

Shit!

I'm so very sorry. I wish you a peaceful rest of the time...

Thanks for the update..

Posted by Chance_12

Posted by tiziani
I haven't known what to say since you first started writing about it, and I still do not now. I hope you get some peace from having gotten it out into writing.

Such an insincere phony. You've never given two fucks about P-Angel or scarcely anyone here..and yet you're going to post that. Enough with the pandering to people that are susceptible. It's disgusting. It's not needed in this thread for you to take advantage of.

click to expand

And can we stop making this about what you feel about him or anything else other than about P-Angel and her situation?

Praying you have better in the next one. Peace to you.

Wishing you freedom P-Angel. :-)

Posted by tiziani
I haven't known what to say since you first started writing about it, and I still do not now. I hope you get some peace from having gotten it out into writing.

Tiz, I always have peace. I don't stress over shit, I might get pissed at times, but, it all passes under the bridge. Well, some things I can't let go of, like someone hurting an animal.

Listen, I said this before in one of the other threads and it's still true today as it was then .... I want to die.

These are the cards dealt me, and I have to play them ..... all-in is my only move now, don't you think?

I'm not going to sit here and moan, groan and whimper about the fact it's my turn ... we all die, and now it's my turn to go ... and go I will, willingly because why fight it?

But, mostly, I want to die from this meat suit, and move on to next my existence. I'm done here. It's just the same shit everyday. I don't want to be here. I'm not saying this to be talking ...... people aren't here to obtain an spiritual experience, they are spirits already seeking a physical experience, and my spirit has reached it's limit of experience. Obviously right, because my spirit is releasing the physical, so it can move on.



So, what you say to someone like me is : happy trails and hope your next physical experience will be just as you hoped.

Posted by Chance_12

Posted by tiziani
I haven't known what to say since you first started writing about it, and I still do not now. I hope you get some peace from having gotten it out into writing.

Such an insincere phony. You've never given two fucks about P-Angel or scarcely anyone here..and yet you're going to post that. Enough with the pandering to people that are susceptible. It's disgusting. It's not needed in this thread for you to take advantage of.

click to expand

I will speak for myself.

I didn't give you authority to speak on my behalf.

?

Why's Chance jealous of Tiz's guru status in here?

I hope that you've lived a great life and got to do all the things you've wanted. Everyone deserves that much.

Posted by Ssuperman
I hope that you've lived a great life and got to do all the things you've wanted. Everyone deserves that much.

Definitely.

If I make it to Sept 20 then I will have been fortunate to have a wonderful husband for 36 years, who has given me everything. A man who is devoted, dedicated and always put me and my feelings above and beyond all else.

A person couldn't have asked for more than that.

I have to go and lay down now.

Without naps my body gets really upset.

When we sleep, our bodies heal themselves, mainly the liver, the liver fixes everything in the body, it will even regrow itself it's so efficient ... and my body aches to sleep so it can mend.

I'll come back later, but for now ... here's wishing everyone a happy death, and no moping around.



Play your cards the best you can then go gracefully when your chips are gone.

I hope any pain you may be feeling goes away and my hope for you is that nothing but love and peace continue to surround you.

I've seen loved ones fight a similar battle and I'll be sending you and your family good vibes, thoughts and prayers.

I know that we don't always see eye to eye but I do truly wish you peace.

The eternal optimist in me wants to tell you not to give up. This clinical trial may be your hope. Even if it's a 1% chance, it's still a chance. God Bless.

Did you have pain before you were diagnosed with medical problems?

Looking back, what do you think the difference would be living with illness compared to experimenting with treatments?

Posted by Effervescent

Posted by Chance_12

Posted by tiziani
I haven't known what to say since you first started writing about it, and I still do not now. I hope you get some peace from having gotten it out into writing.

Such an insincere phony. You've never given two fucks about P-Angel or scarcely anyone here..and yet you're going to post that. Enough with the pandering to people that are susceptible. It's disgusting. It's not needed in this thread for you to take advantage of.

You don't need to like someone to wish them the best during horrific times. There are many people I despise but I would not want them to go through a situation like this.

click to expand

Exactly

I wouldn't wish pain on anyone, especially to this degree

My father and sister passed with cancer....it was so tough for them both

P-Angel, I wish you peace and a safe passing

*~*~*~*

Posted by CaramelizedCoffee

Posted by Orchidee
Wow! I'm very sad to read all of this especially the ugly part. Be strong. I hope that all this pain and suffering that you are undergoing is wiping away all the bad/sin you did in your life. I believe in accounting for our bad deeds and I like to believe that all this pain you're facing is for a reason as well. That is the only thing that makes sense for me to see a fragile human persevere through so much pain.

I don't wish what you're facing on my worst enemy. May your suffering come to an end soon. I hope that God grants your family and loved ones patience during this difficult time.

wtf kind of bullshit is this you think people get cancer cause of bad deeds?

you're a fuking nutjob. Everything you write is negative and dark. Are you a sociopath?

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YOU'RE calling someone a nutjob? Oh, the irony.

Posted by CaramelizedCoffee

Posted by Orchidee

Posted by CaramelizedCoffee

Posted by Orchidee
Wow! I'm very sad to read all of this especially the ugly part. Be strong. I hope that all this pain and suffering that you are undergoing is wiping away all the bad/sin you did in your life. I believe in accounting for our bad deeds and I like to believe that all this pain you're facing is for a reason as well. That is the only thing that makes sense for me to see a fragile human persevere through so much pain.

I don't wish what you're facing on my worst enemy. May your suffering come to an end soon. I hope that God grants your family and loved ones patience during this difficult time.

wtf kind of bullshit is this you think people get cancer cause of bad deeds?

you're a fuking nutjob. Everything you write is negative and dark. Are you a sociopath?

YOU'RE calling someone a nutjob? Oh, the irony.

Yes i am, nutjob

click to expand

Delusional leo moon.

I wish you safe travels and no more pain - save us a seat on the other side !

....

may you be blessed with peace and pain-free reality as soon as it comes P-Angel.

...and thank you for replying for my very first post about Virgos, I've made many years ago from the account that I've forgotten the password to before I got this one...

I don't know why I remember those trivial things now... but ugh, you are loved loved loved.



😢

Thank you for the update. I admire your courage.

i hope you're still around for christmas! and next year. And really hope you conquer this.

😢

in either case, i hope it's pain free. you do alot of good for the world with your wise words /wisdom.

I had no idea you were going through this.. Im sorry you are going through such a painful experience. And Im so sorry for the emotional butter you and your loved ones im sure are going through. DXP aside (AND I know Iv said some shitty things about you. I wont be fake and say I didn't mean them, I did.) But it doesn't change the fact that It truly breaks my heart. And I think I get why you say certain things on here sometimes. That they come from a good place. At least that's how it seams to me. My family has had multitudes of loss with cancer. I hope you and yours find some peace through all of this. Sincerely.

I wish you as much peace as possible, in these last few days and may the next life, be all that you can imagine.

I'm glad you wrote because I actually was thinking of you a couple of days ago. Sometimes I see your posts "good and bad" and even when I read the bad ones I'm like, well, at least she's still with us.

I'm glad that there is still hope for you, even if you will be a "guinea pig" hope is hope and miracles do happen.

Whether you are religious or not I hope that you put all of your effort into recovering from this illness.

It is tough but you are strong and you have shown that because you are still here and I see you haven't lost your mind over this, I'm glad you have your husband with you to support you through this as well as your family.

I will pray for you and send you the best vibes!! I'm a very spiritual person and I believe that this physical world is just that, physical and materialistic, you will find within you the strength and faith to continue. I know it may be easier said than done and only you know the pain you are going through, but the last thing you can lose is faith.

Miracles do happen.

❤

Safe travels, P.

I hope the pain doesn't reach a point where it takes away from your excitement to depart this existence.

*waves you goodbye*

I wish you happy trails too p. I know you will find rest, it seems you already have.

Although you are enduring the last few days, I hope for the pain to lessen and that you get to experience moments of unbridled joy with those around you.

I will miss you. This board will miss you. It won't be the same without you.

I honestly hope you feel better... your title is my text ringtone.

Piscesmoon

I don't know you, but I wish you peace, love, and comfort on your journey. Thank you for your courageous honesty!

My mom had a breast cancer stage IV, she died when I was 7.There was no hope for her anyways back in those days, considering we had civil war going on, economical and financial crisis. She was single mom of two, me and my sister. Sometimes I would catch her crying alone, trying to be quiet not to scare kids-us. I couldn't understand what was going on, I thought it was because of my dad who left us long before, I thought she was missing him. Then every night my imagination was running wild, I had dreams mom was going somewhere else and leaving us, I was shouting and begging her to come back, she wouldn't. When she died for years as a kid, I believed I killed her, my dreams took her away. You know what's the saddest part, I loved her so crazy that every night I used to go to bed hoping would see her in my dreams again, it happened only once. I was playing with other kids in our backyard and saw her behind the fence, watching me, I asked what she was doing there, she smiled and asked back, aren't you happy to see me, of course I was, more than happy, couldn't say a word. That was it , never seen her again. I have some photos left, it's been 21 years and still hurts.

I don't know what to say or if I'm able to comfort you in any way, but if you wanna talk or anything pm me. That's the best I can

I only pray your loved ones find the same peace you have already found

Godspeed!

You can tell your loved ones that you fascinated us P Angel.

And the world is less unique without you.

I hope they can manage your pain. Lots of genuine love.

Bye bye x 🙂

R.I.P. Peter-angel

Posted by P-Angel

Posted by Ssuperman
I hope that you've lived a great life and got to do all the things you've wanted. Everyone deserves that much.

Definitely.

If I make it to Sept 20 then I will have been fortunate to have a wonderful husband for 36 years, who has given me everything. A man who is devoted, dedicated and always put me and my feelings above and beyond all else.

A person couldn't have asked for more than that.

click to expand

Wish you could stick around a little longer! Hopefully we get to hear from you again soon

Wish you a pain free as possible time while left, I hope you make it to the holidays as well and you can go as peacefully as possible, on your terms.

Best wishes P.

Hugs, P. My thoughts are with you and yours.

Thank you for the update, P-Angel.

I don't have much to say, except for what I said before: fight now as you can.



An Egyptian blessing (yeah, it was used in a TV show, but it applies):

"God be between you and harm in all the empty places you walk."

I would add that each step in those empty places no longer is empty with each step one takes.

This life is but one journey, and may your load be light in the next.











I expect to hear from you about Thanksgiving and Christmas, dammit!

P, I have always admired that you did things your way and on your own terms. You are strength and I wish you great love and greater new adventures as you transition on.

Posting this again, but only for you. ♥



She Let Go

She let go.

Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of fear.

She let go of the judgments.

She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.

She let go of the committee of indecision within her.

She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.

Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice.

She didn’t read a book on how to let go…

She didn’t search the scriptures.

She just let go.

She let go of all of the memories that held her back.

She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.

She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go.

She didn’t journal about it.

She didn’t write the projected date in her day-timer.

She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.

She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.

She just let go.

She didn’t analise whether she should let go.

She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.

She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.

She didn’t call the prayer line.

She didn’t utter one word.

She just let go.

No one was around when it happened.

There was no applause or congratulations.

No one thanked her or praised her.

No one noticed a thing.

Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort.

There was no struggle.

It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.

It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face.

A light breeze blew through her.

And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

~Rev. Safire Rose~

Posted by P-Angel
People have been waiting for an update from me, and to be honest, I keep waiting to hear (better) news before I talk about it. This news doesn't come, and it been 6 and a half months since diagnosed and given a 12 month life span.

I'll start with the bad: My body responded horribly to chemo. The formula (as told to me by doctors) was the highest chemicals they could give me without killing me. Well, that nearly happened, quite a few times. What happens is my white blood cell count and blood platelets drop so low that I can't even move (sometimes). I'm incapacitated due to this also taking all energy away from me, since my blood cells are working on triple-extra-overtime, trying to cure the cancer invasion ... which leaves me completely helpless to be do anything else. MY husband feeds me ..... hot dogs and pizza, and bologna sandwiches.

Hell of a way to diet, but, my people can't believe it when they see me .... I haven't been skinny in years, and I refuse buy clothes, condisering they won't fit me next month If month exists.

So, last month, my doctor took me off of chemo treatments and I'm really diminishing now. Which is worse? meds that are killing you, or the illness you need the meds for?



Good News: So, now I'm a candidate for some drugs. aka: guinea pig

We'll see what happens. Buy, hey, medicine makes break throughs all the time ... you never know. I started this new drug yesterday, so it's too early to tell, that is ........ well .....



The Ugly is so severe that really there's no point in continuing.

The last ctscan I had done in late July showed that (one of) the tumors in my liver, the big one that has now grown to the size of a big grapefruit, maybe more now since I have had treatment in a while ..... well this mass has almost completely occluded my inferior vena cava.

Quick med summary for those who don't know human anatomy. You have ateries and veins. Arteries carries blood out of the heart loaded with oxygen and distributes this oxygen through out the body. Your body cannot live with oxygen in your blood. Veins carry the deoxygenated blood to the heart to replenish oxygen for the next trip of the artery. Well, you two main ones: Superior and Inferior Vena Cava, inferior runs through the bottom of the torse, extremities, reproduce organs, gut, basically everthing below the 5th verebrate, where it meets up all the minor veins to continue the cycle.

So, what it means when I was told that is : the tumor almost completely has this vein blocked. Once blocked completely, my dirty blood that is void of oxygen cannot be replenished, which means everything below my fifth vertebrate is going to die.

legs, kidneys liver ... the whole shebang will turn black become gangrenous .... at which time I kiss my ass goodbye from this wretched world.

For those who asked before ... my tumor is inoperable, it is mangled and twisted within the bile ducts.

Most people get a stint put in and/or have bypass surgery, but, I don't qualify for it. Any person in stage IV Cancer doesn't quality for surgery, nor a transplant. But, that doesn't matter in my case. Even if they were able to help this from blocking completely .... the ctscan also showed that my lung cancer has spread and the malignant nodules have all grow in size.



I was told that my odds of making to ThanksGiving would be literal miracle. Most likey the vein will be completele blocked by the end of Sept, early Oct. And once blocked, I will about 2 weeks to suffer through before the end. The pain is insufferable.

I won't make it that long, I'll close the curtain as soon as it blocks completely.

I think I said everything.

You have my sincere best wishes, for whatever you choose to use them for.

?

Posted by P-Angel
People have been waiting for an update from me, and to be honest, I keep waiting to hear (better) news before I talk about it. This news doesn't come, and it been 6 and a half months since diagnosed and given a 12 month life span.

I'll start with the bad: My body responded horribly to chemo. The formula (as told to me by doctors) was the highest chemicals they could give me without killing me. Well, that nearly happened, quite a few times. What happens is my white blood cell count and blood platelets drop so low that I can't even move (sometimes). I'm incapacitated due to this also taking all energy away from me, since my blood cells are working on triple-extra-overtime, trying to cure the cancer invasion ... which leaves me completely helpless to be do anything else. MY husband feeds me ..... hot dogs and pizza, and bologna sandwiches.

Hell of a way to diet, but, my people can't believe it when they see me .... I haven't been skinny in years, and I refuse buy clothes, condisering they won't fit me next month If month exists.

So, last month, my doctor took me off of chemo treatments and I'm really diminishing now. Which is worse? meds that are killing you, or the illness you need the meds for?



Good News: So, now I'm a candidate for some drugs. aka: guinea pig

We'll see what happens. Buy, hey, medicine makes break throughs all the time ... you never know. I started this new drug yesterday, so it's too early to tell, that is ........ well .....



The Ugly is so severe that really there's no point in continuing.

The last ctscan I had done in late July showed that (one of) the tumors in my liver, the big one that has now grown to the size of a big grapefruit, maybe more now since I have had treatment in a while ..... well this mass has almost completely occluded my inferior vena cava.

Quick med summary for those who don't know human anatomy. You have ateries and veins. Arteries carries blood out of the heart loaded with oxygen and distributes this oxygen through out the body. Your body cannot live with oxygen in your blood. Veins carry the deoxygenated blood to the heart to replenish oxygen for the next trip of the artery. Well, you two main ones: Superior and Inferior Vena Cava, inferior runs through the bottom of the torse, extremities, reproduce organs, gut, basically everthing below the 5th verebrate, where it meets up all the minor veins to continue the cycle.

So, what it means when I was told that is : the tumor almost completely has this vein blocked. Once blocked completely, my dirty blood that is void of oxygen cannot be replenished, which means everything below my fifth vertebrate is going to die.

legs, kidneys liver ... the whole shebang will turn black become gangrenous .... at which time I kiss my ass goodbye from this wretched world.

For those who asked before ... my tumor is inoperable, it is mangled and twisted within the bile ducts.

Most people get a stint put in and/or have bypass surgery, but, I don't qualify for it. Any person in stage IV Cancer doesn't quality for surgery, nor a transplant. But, that doesn't matter in my case. Even if they were able to help this from blocking completely .... the ctscan also showed that my lung cancer has spread and the malignant nodules have all grow in size.



I was told that my odds of making to ThanksGiving would be literal miracle. Most likey the vein will be completele blocked by the end of Sept, early Oct. And once blocked, I will about 2 weeks to suffer through before the end. The pain is insufferable.

I won't make it that long, I'll close the curtain as soon as it blocks completely.

I think I said everything.

You have me in tears P- Angel. I honestly wish I could hug you right now. This breaks my heart. I'm so sorry that you are suffering so much, and I Pray that the medicine they try, WILL be that Miracle for You..

wont even pretend to have the right words.

This is just shidtty news and fucking sux in general so... yeh, you're a character P and I will miss you

Dunno if you saw before I left, but mom was diagnosed with stage 3 melanoma in April. It's been impossible not to think of you, as I've embarked on this journey with her. It's silly, but I had to come say goodbye. That and thank you. Truly.

Give em hell in the hereafter, you ol' bird.

Thanks to everyone who responded.

Who knows when I'll have to stop posting all together, so here's the only thing I want you all to know, and it applies to everything .....



There is no end to things. Leaving the physical body isn't death. A boy leaving you in a relationship isn't death, losing your job isn't either.

You pick up your shattered pieces, shoulder them the best you can ..... and keep moving forward. But, it's not an ending. this is the main suffering for people, it seems. They try to live for the final, as if this is as far as it rabbit hole goes ... and it's not, not even close.

So long as you think it is all there is, then you'll never be looking to the horizon and you'll likely miss tomorrow.

Life doesn't stop with death of the flesh, and I notices a lot of people in here talking in these terms.

P-Angel, thanks for sharing your end journey with us...I admire your fearlessness and acceptance of the realities of life. We're all going to die someday, and I wish you a safe and painless passing to the other side when you leave this current body. Please keep your soul positive about the future adventures that lie ahead for you...because I believe it's a beautiful place, more beautiful than any of us can fathom!

Peace and hugs to you lady, catch you on the other side 🤗