Why Are People So Goddamn Scared of Me?

I was a shorty with a blocked throat chakra and for a long time, I never verbally defended myself the way I should. I never talked to my stepdad when I was a toddler, or much of anybody but my mom… I started talking to that guy when I was about 10 years-old, and even then it wasn’t much. I never communicated with kids at school properly, and I was in special Ed.

Long story short, I had a weird beginning and a tough start through my peers and my home life.

My most earliest memory of realizing the world ain’t shit; my little brother hit me a few times for “looking” at my step-dad’s naked body coming out the shower. I mean, I was kindergarten age and the couch was sitting in the direction of the bathroom and my parent room. Even if I was looking, I prolly didn’t mean to. *pew* “hit her again” *pew* “hit her again”, he encouraged my brother to do. That was the beginning of a long road of neglect, verbal abuse, physical, and emotional before I left home at 17. At school, my earliest memory of other kids doin shit, I was bout 6 or 7 years-old when kids in my grade lined up and dunked milk on my head back to back before leaving lunch period. It was spring, the bees were out and I only know that because I remember a school employee explaining that to my stepdad and he had to take me home. I don’t remember what I did next, we was living my with widow grandmother in her house 🏡 I prolly just got in the shower.. I had many memories in that bathroom.. For example, screaming into a wet towel like I saw the big nose white actor guy Steve Martin do. I remember doing that in grandmas bathroom and my papa came in and checked on me. I stopped and was embarrassed, lol. This was of course before grandma was a widow… I think I did that because I was full of frustration. I remember being a depressed child. I was a sad child, I slept a lot. I got weirdly sick a few times those early years.. I had imaginary friends that were objects. I watched TV and tried to go outside if they let me.. The normal stuff. But I was a sad kid that couldn’t speak up or tell others to leave me alone.

I realized my power was in my voice the whole time. I still didn’t start using it to its full advantage until these literal past couple years…

Through my oldfound strength and willpower to get be about that action .. I realize nobody in my adult life wants smoke with me, but they are always the one to set the tone and be the one to attack me first?

I want a good fight with people who come at me, and I can’t find it. I called my real dad a bitch ass nigga today on the phone. He likes to say “honor your father” and in the same breathe disrespect me, humiliate me, and talk down to me ..But weirdly not as bad, or to the level of my stepdad did to me growing up. I told him he provokes me, and had always provoked me to want to hit him, cuss him out since I’ve know the man. The Bible says “don’t provoke your children”, I tell him.. He’s an awful Christian, like if your gonna “follow” something at least be good at it… Damn.

He never goes as hard as I expect him to, I want him to try to hit me like he use to do when I was 17 or 18 years old. Threaten to slap me and shit. I want him to try and choke me, take me down with his fist to my face like when I was 22. Dudes been an asshole.. Just like everybody else. Straight Women have been assholes to me. Black men have been assholes to me. White men have been assholes, they don’t wanna give me a job... White women are a waste of time for me date. Mexican dudes I’ve worked with have treated me like they better than me. Fuck errbody, I feel EBK but I’m GD by blood. If I don’t care about the Nigga that splat me out his nutsack, what make people think I give a fuck bout the next nigga or bitch? I let the world abuse me for far too long, I let women attack me and put they hands on me and still tried to eat they pussy at the end of the night like a lame ass.. I guess I never knew what dignity was.

I notice people always call me weird, ion even be doing shit.. I date lesbian women, or try to talk to them and they never talk back to me or entertain me for long. I do get far, but I feel they quick to break up or cut me off. It’s cool.. I never threatened a woman, or done anything to make her think I would.. I only did that to my recent, and she still come around. She just don’t wanna be with me… It’s cool. I been trynna date other women and see if I still got it, seems at though I been dealing with the same woman 2 years now.. I just been trynna extend myself but nothing too crazy. I try to flirt and be funny, and women don’t respond much. I made a friend in Twitter recently and she was an Aries chick.. Girl literally said she’s bi, she called me and we talked for bout 45 mins.. she sent me a video of herself smoking like 1 min into our phone call.. She was decent. We ended up texting later last night.. I was just being a flirt and making a statement last night through text, I broke ice. I say, “Just got done playing my game. Chillin with all this shit off”

“you not trynna send nudes tho”

She tell me this ain’t that, I said “oh okay”, “just had ta check”.

She call me weird for thinking that and said she going to bed.

“ 🤷🏿 See ya”, I say.

Girl I could literally give a Fuck less lol.

She calls herself going on Twitter exposing me, she made a big scene … took a screen shot and posted it and everything.. like girl, I’m literally following you.. you don’t have to sneak diss, subtweet or expose me. I thought it was extra… I told her about herself via Twitter and she blocked me. Lies and said I blocked her first..

Whatever..

Do you guys think I was weird—?? Did I deserve all that? She tried to put me in blast and make seem like I’m all types of whack or some shit…

She was suppose to come to chicago for Mother’s Day and I’m nobody’s chauffeur anyway. Bitch trynna hang out with me, I’m thinking we gonna end up doing something sexy. Idk 🤷🏿. I like women but I’m not thirsty. Tf. I was willing to drop the idea of it.

I don’t even have friends who are girls .. Women ain’t shit to be friends with.

I can’t have male friends… They either doing less than me in life and require too much. I haven’t made friends at trade school, and that’s the only reason I went besides learning… None at any jobs, or anything.

I don’t talk to anybody from HS, they can all go to hell and whoever I was cool with, we obviously don’t talk. I just deactivated FB and Snapchat. Useless apps for me. I spent years talking to myself on there. Typing to myself… Not much acknowledgment. I was never a popular person, but I always stuck out. Seems to be a shitty combination.

I got GAD, PTSD.. I’m not comfortable with talking to a lot of people or meeting new people, I feel like I have to adjust and can’t be my full self. I got a guard up and I feel a condescending tone from most people… I don’t even leave the crib much. Unless I got shit to do.

I wish I had friends sometimes, but its cuz I see how much fun people have together… Maybe it’s a straight people thing. Cuz idek how to get to be around gay guys, they are the worst to hang out with cuz they always trynna talk to me in a heteronormative way too. How a gay guy gonna tell a lesbian to get some dick? Dude EAT a dick. They just as bad as hanging out with straight women. I learned my lesson a long time ago hanging out with straight women.

I have a dream that someday everything will be alright. I’ll move out the hood, I’ll have the love of my life and we’ll be in a house in Nevada, old school cars in the garage, growing weed.. and if it’s not - I could always consider suicide. Lol.

They hate you because you are the most marginalized minority around.

A black lesbian gangster disciple from southside Chicago. Heterosexual latinos and blacks look at you wanting your top oppressed spot, but they know deep down they can’t have it.

The people here who will read your post will pretend to care but even they came for your character at some point despite you always keeping it a buck.

Nevada is a shithole btw lol.

Sounds like pluto.. I was going to refer you to a helpful site but the motherfucker didn't pay his bills.

Check where pluto is influencing you in your chart and work your way from there.

Yeap it's hard being a guy

Posted by Enfant-Terrible-II

Yeap it's hard being a guy

Would still rather be me than you anyday.

Posted by Weeds

Sounds like pluto.. I was going to refer you to a helpful site but the motherfucker didn't pay his bills.

Check where pluto is influencing you in your chart and work your way from there.

It’s not much Pluto in my chart though 🤷🏿

I got Mercury Trine Pluto that shows up in my chart sometimes, and Asc square Pluto, and Saturn in the 8th house. 4th house in Scorpio. I don't know how that effects me but 4th house in Scorpio did a number growing up.

Posted by 51R60

Idk I think you're cool, and if you ever want to throw hands, I'll be at your local grocery store looking for that oberweis chocolate milk.

It’s on sight 🥊 cuz plant milk is superior

Posted by Emhendo

Posted by Weeds

Sounds like pluto.. I was going to refer you to a helpful site but the motherfucker didn't pay his bills.

Check where pluto is influencing you in your chart and work your way from there.

It’s not much Pluto in my chart though 🤷🏿

I got Mercury Trine Pluto that shows up in my chart sometimes, and Asc square Pluto, and Saturn in the 8th house. 4th house in Scorpio. I don't know how that effects me but 4th house in Scorpio did a number growing up.

click to expand

BINGO! Ascendent Square Pluto!

You don't need much to have it have a huge influence. It's a mean bastard but it has something to teach no matter how painful.

I can see that heightening the energy in your 4th house.

I don't know you from real life - but from what I've seen on DXP (the way you usually talk or react to comments + Vocaro, Photos & other multimedia content) - you come off as being rather aggressive or always on the defense (with the swords out - ready to attack at all times). Thus... you seem to struggle with debates or any conversation where you could be in the wrong - where the other party is not in agreement (on same page with you) - as if it's a personal attack (even if the subject of discussion - is far from being personal). You also give this "all up in your face vibe" - at times. The only times i've seen you more chill (to put it like that) - was when you sang on vocaro. So, i take it... if/when the walls are off (if you're among people you trust) - you can be easier to approach or hang out with. Not so much when ye fighter/protector personality is in control - especially among strangers or peps you don't trust. That being said, people are not necessarily scared of you... you're probably just harder to approach - compared to chill & friendly peps.

Just my 2 cents.🤷‍♂️

Do you have mercury rx in your natal chart? I have a mercury rx in mine and would also describe my childhood as if I had a blocked throat chakra. I can clearly recall some teachers from my childhood unnecessarily being rude and humiliating towards me when I was merely 6 or 7. That shit impacts you growing up. And don’t get me started on child bullies and adults doing nothing about them. Like how do you even protect your children from these things when they go off to school? It’s beyond infuriating. You grow up to realize most adults around you have always been shitty and still are shitty when you’re an adult (there’s a reason why they are like that too; they all hate themselves and their lives). Hurt people hurt people. I couldn’t become antisocial by locking myself away from the world. I too craved things like genuine love and some kind of happy ending. I eventually turned to mindfulness, meditation and manifestation. Only I’m in charge of my destiny, no one else. I’m doing so much better now and trying to see different perspectives but I’m still heavily aware of how most people in general are extremely shitty and motive driven.

Posted by _elle_

Posted by Emhendo

Posted by Weeds

Sounds like pluto.. I was going to refer you to a helpful site but the motherfucker didn't pay his bills.

Check where pluto is influencing you in your chart and work your way from there.

It’s not much Pluto in my chart though 🤷🏿

I got Mercury Trine Pluto that shows up in my chart sometimes, and Asc square Pluto, and Saturn in the 8th house. 4th house in Scorpio. I don't know how that effects me but 4th house in Scorpio did a number growing up.

Asc Square Pluto has been known to give off a vibe of kind of an unapproachable bad ass.

I have Saturn in the 8th house too...I hate that little bitch. 😂🤣😂

fwiw, people's perceptions are so fickle and riddled with their own insecurities, personal trauma and piss poor parenting. I've learned to not take what anyone thinks of me as personal. It's rarely about me anyways....it's always about them.

click to expand

I don’t even pay attention to my Saturn but I guess see how it can effect me, especially being in Aries. I went to military school freshman and sophomore year and errrthang. What is it suppose to do being in the 8th?

Hey, I had to come back here and correct myself though.

I went on astrotheme today, the Asc Square Pluto is indeed the aspect that shows up “sometimes”. The Mercury Trine Pluto is mosdef there at all times.

Pluto in the 4th house, 4th house in Scorpio is there.

Pluto retrograde in 0° Sagittarius and Leo rising is 21° so like I say, it ain’t much Pluto unless a square can be that wide but I do got Mars Sextile Ascendant fasho..

Posted by Emhendo

I was a shorty with a blocked throat chakra and for a long time, I never verbally defended myself the way I should. I never talked to my stepdad when I was a toddler, or much of anybody but my mom… I started talking to that guy when I was about 10 years-old, and even then it wasn’t much. I never communicated with kids at school properly, and I was in special Ed.

Long story short, I had a weird beginning and a tough start through my peers and my home life.

My most earliest memory of realizing the world ain’t shit; my little brother hit me a few times for “looking” at my step-dad’s naked body coming out the shower. I mean, I was kindergarten age and the couch was sitting in the direction of the bathroom and my parent room. Even if I was looking, I prolly didn’t mean to. *pew* “hit her again” *pew* “hit her again”, he encouraged my brother to do. That was the beginning of a long road of neglect, verbal abuse, physical, and emotional before I left home at 17. At school, my earliest memory of other kids doin shit, I was bout 6 or 7 years-old when kids in my grade lined up and dunked milk on my head back to back before leaving lunch period. It was spring, the bees were out and I only know that because I remember a school employee explaining that to my stepdad and he had to take me home. I don’t remember what I did next, we was living my with widow grandmother in her house 🏡 I prolly just got in the shower.. I had many memories in that bathroom.. For example, screaming into a wet towel like I saw the big nose white actor guy Steve Martin do. I remember doing that in grandmas bathroom and my papa came in and checked on me. I stopped and was embarrassed, lol. This was of course before grandma was a widow… I think I did that because I was full of frustration. I remember being a depressed child. I was a sad child, I slept a lot. I got weirdly sick a few times those early years.. I had imaginary friends that were objects. I watched TV and tried to go outside if they let me.. The normal stuff. But I was a sad kid that couldn’t speak up or tell others to leave me alone.

I realized my power was in my voice the whole time. I still didn’t start using it to its full advantage until these literal past couple years…

Through my oldfound strength and willpower to get be about that action .. I realize nobody in my adult life wants smoke with me, but they are always the one to set the tone and be the one to attack me first?

I want a good fight with people who come at me, and I can’t find it. I called my real dad a bitch ass nigga today on the phone. He likes to say “honor your father” and in the same breathe disrespect me, humiliate me, and talk down to me ..But weirdly not as bad, or to the level of my stepdad did to me growing up. I told him he provokes me, and had always provoked me to want to hit him, cuss him out since I’ve know the man. The Bible says “don’t provoke your children”, I tell him.. He’s an awful Christian, like if your gonna “follow” something at least be good at it… Damn.

He never goes as hard as I expect him to, I want him to try to hit me like he use to do when I was 17 or 18 years old. Threaten to slap me and shit. I want him to try and choke me, take me down with his fist to my face like when I was 22. Dudes been an asshole.. Just like everybody else. Straight Women have been assholes to me. Black men have been assholes to me. White men have been assholes, they don’t wanna give me a job... White women are a waste of time for me date. Mexican dudes I’ve worked with have treated me like they better than me. Fuck errbody, I feel EBK but I’m GD by blood. If I don’t care about the Nigga that splat me out his nutsack, what make people think I give a fuck bout the next nigga or bitch? I let the world abuse me for far too long, I let women attack me and put they hands on me and still tried to eat they pussy at the end of the night like a lame ass.. I guess I never knew what dignity was.

I notice people always call me weird, ion even be doing shit.. I date lesbian women, or try to talk to them and they never talk back to me or entertain me for long. I do get far, but I feel they quick to break up or cut me off. It’s cool.. I never threatened a woman, or done anything to make her think I would.. I only did that to my recent, and she still come around. She just don’t wanna be with me… It’s cool. I been trynna date other women and see if I still got it, seems at though I been dealing with the same woman 2 years now.. I just been trynna extend myself but nothing too crazy. I try to flirt and be funny, and women don’t respond much. I made a friend in Twitter recently and she was an Aries chick.. Girl literally said she’s bi, she called me and we talked for bout 45 mins.. she sent me a video of herself smoking like 1 min into our phone call.. She was decent. We ended up texting later last night.. I was just being a flirt and making a statement last night through text, I broke ice. I say, “Just got done playing my game. Chillin with all this shit off”

“you not trynna send nudes tho”

She tell me this ain’t that, I said “oh okay”, “just had ta check”.

She call me weird for thinking that and said she going to bed.

“ 🤷🏿 See ya”, I say.

Girl I could literally give a Fuck less lol.

She calls herself going on Twitter exposing me, she made a big scene … took a screen shot and posted it and everything.. like girl, I’m literally following you.. you don’t have to sneak diss, subtweet or expose me. I thought it was extra… I told her about herself via Twitter and she blocked me. Lies and said I blocked her first..

Whatever..

Do you guys think I was weird—?? Did I deserve all that? She tried to put me in blast and make seem like I’m all types of whack or some shit…

She was suppose to come to chicago for Mother’s Day and I’m nobody’s chauffeur anyway. Bitch trynna hang out with me, I’m thinking we gonna end up doing something sexy. Idk 🤷🏿. I like women but I’m not thirsty. Tf. I was willing to drop the idea of it.

I don’t even have friends who are girls .. Women ain’t shit to be friends with.

I can’t have male friends… They either doing less than me in life and require too much. I haven’t made friends at trade school, and that’s the only reason I went besides learning… None at any jobs, or anything.

I don’t talk to anybody from HS, they can all go to hell and whoever I was cool with, we obviously don’t talk. I just deactivated FB and Snapchat. Useless apps for me. I spent years talking to myself on there. Typing to myself… Not much acknowledgment. I was never a popular person, but I always stuck out. Seems to be a shitty combination.

I got GAD, PTSD.. I’m not comfortable with talking to a lot of people or meeting new people, I feel like I have to adjust and can’t be my full self. I got a guard up and I feel a condescending tone from most people… I don’t even leave the crib much. Unless I got shit to do.

I wish I had friends sometimes, but its cuz I see how much fun people have together… Maybe it’s a straight people thing. Cuz idek how to get to be around gay guys, they are the worst to hang out with cuz they always trynna talk to me in a heteronormative way too. How a gay guy gonna tell a lesbian to get some dick? Dude EAT a dick. They just as bad as hanging out with straight women. I learned my lesson a long time ago hanging out with straight women.

I have a dream that someday everything will be alright. I’ll move out the hood, I’ll have the love of my life and we’ll be in a house in Nevada, old school cars in the garage, growing weed.. and if it’s not - I could always consider suicide. Lol.

Accept the things in your past that you had no control of. Because they where never about you. It's their shit and you got the short end of their stick. It was never about you nor a reflection of you.

Once you truly have made peace with that, accept and forgive yourself of the things YOU did out of ignorance and your own pain.

Then let it out. ALL of it. The rage, the pain, resentment against yourself and others. Don't feel ashamed to Cry, scream, and rage into the open air the, nothingness. Release it all.

Thugs cry too. 😢

Posted by black773

Thugs cry too. 😢

..Shuddap.

Posted by SassyKiwi

Do you have mercury rx in your natal chart? I have a mercury rx in mine and would also describe my childhood as if I had a blocked throat chakra. I can clearly recall some teachers from my childhood unnecessarily being rude and humiliating towards me when I was merely 6 or 7. That shit impacts you growing up. And don’t get me started on child bullies and adults doing nothing about them. Like how do you even protect your children from these things when they go off to school? It’s beyond infuriating. You grow up to realize most adults around you have always been shitty and still are shitty when you’re an adult (there’s a reason why they are like that too; they all hate themselves and their lives). Hurt people hurt people. I couldn’t become antisocial by locking myself away from the world. I too craved things like genuine love and some kind of happy ending. I eventually turned to mindfulness, meditation and manifestation. Only I’m in charge of my destiny, no one else. I’m doing so much better now and trying to see different perspectives but I’m still heavily aware of how most people in general are extremely shitty and motive driven.

Ya know, I’m not a complete piece of shit yet.. But I hope I don’t ever become one of those people you talk about.

Just bitter, and always worried about what the next motherfucka doing… I literally deleted social media because I found myself doing stuff on there I shouldn’t been doing, and handing out hate to my personal victims. I knew I had to stop..

If you still kind, compassionate, open to the world - then universe bless you, Cuz it’s hard to be that way once you been shitted on too many times. I see why people are the way that they are. It’s up to you how you choose to react or take in peoples attempt to disrupt your vibrations.

I almost went to dark side and started to feel myself becoming bitter. I thought that was “being strong”.. But it’s not about how much hate and bitterness you can spread back, it’s about how much you can destroy.

Pretty much the story of my life growing up too so don't feel bad about it. At least now you know you got at least one fellow dxper who understand and went thru sum shit. I wanna write a long theory about my life style too but I ain't for two specific reasons. 1 being I'm not good at writing walls of messages and 2 like who the hell on this site cares about me and what I went thru. So nope to that.