@heliumfiasco
14 Years1,000+ Posts
Love without attachment. Am I wrong here? Perspectives desired.
Yikes! Big decision there. I don't like how he denigrates your "3D" thinking. Yes, your thinking is more traditional and there's nothing wrong with that. But you are not comfortable with how things are going and I'm really sympathetic to that having gone through something similar. This is only going to get worse for you since you are NOT comfortable with it. I see you trying to fit his mold and that's never a good idea.
I had something similar recently. We were crossing the border from NY/Canada - the customs official looked at him asked where he lived, looked at me, asked where I lived, and then asked him, "What is the nature of your relationship?" I nearly lost my s#@t!! hahahha! I looked at him and said, "Yes, what IS the nature of our relationship?" and he said "friend" - I said nothing (we were only dating less than 3 months). Recently, and another month later - I looked at him and said, "So, if we were to cross the border today, what would your answer be?" He said "girlfriend, but I don't like those labels" And I said, "Well, those labels are important to me because if I give you everything, I want the respect of being your girlfriend. But think of this, you will have the COOL girlfriend." His response? "I already do"
Respect YOURSELF and what is important to you. Accept nothing less.
Welcome back, fellow DXP-oldie!
I'm sorry, but this guy is acting a bit full of shit and slightly manipulatively.
I realized that the moment you mentioned his comment: "You are stuck in a very 3D mentality", this was an instant red flag. It's great that he has that life style if it works for him, kudos to him...but to use it to pretend his life style is somehow better than yours and therefore "you can't question his actions" borders on arrogance and narcissism.
I actually suspect this guy is one of those "having their cake and eating it" and is just using his "free/non-commital" life style /religion to hide and justify his commitment-phobia and probably also to hide that he doesn't really want to grow up. I mean, trying to avoid too much stress is great, but well, a certain level of stress is also necessary to perform, or to get anything done really so to go to such lengths to try to avoid it sounds kind of juvenile, even if I have respect for Buddhism.
Also, at the end of the day everyone looking for love also wants security, eventually.
LOL - been awhile.
Definitely!! My username has extra bits now, I earned those!
Boom - we started the same year. Good to see you....can't remember your sign tho.
Yeah! 2005/06
I'm a Virgo. I had missed your sassy posts btw.
I get where he's coming from but at the same time, you have needs and wants that need to be met for this relationship to work long term.
Idk why relationship titles are so scary for some, especially when they be out there doing more than most bf's/hubbys.
And look, your not asking for a ring, a 60k marriage, no prenup and twins. Your asking for some security from him, call me your gf, a gesture basically. Thats not too much to ask, nor should you be made to feel like your unreasonable by him.
And look, future building doesn't have to follow the societal norm. My dude and I aren't huge fans of the institution of marriage. But we are fans of building together towards our future. So we are always talking long term plans, how our relationship is progressing, and what our future looks like. For us, we don't need a ring to determine our dedication towards each other. What we do need is to be on the same page.
LOL! LOVE me some Virgo - ALL of my immediate family are Virgo except for my mom and me - the Gems!
Yay! Back in the good ol dxp days us Virgos were just the boring maidens around here, I'm glad time and the interwebz have made people wiser and better at astrology 😄
(btw sorry for kidnapping your thread heliumfiasco!)
(btw sorry for kidnapping your thread heliumfiasco!)
Kidnap away!!!! haha
Thank you for all your perspectives!
I would focus on actions rather than on a "title."
His refusal to make it official is an action, is it not?
lmao is he aries or aquarius.....?
my ex did that... i cant even call him ex because he wasn't into labels either. it's a clever way to weasel out of committment!
ur man trashes "attachment" but he seems hella attached to his philosophies. i've learned to stay away from men that love to intellectually masturbate. they have an excuse for bloody everything and like in ur case, if u ever stand by ur point, they do that intellectual mansplaining shit (and i hate that word lol *cringe*)
I would focus on actions rather than on a "title."
His refusal to make it official is an action, is it not?
So the only way to make it "official" is to say the word "official?" Is he seeing anyone else? According to the OP, he is not, so is that not "official?" What makes a "relationship" official? Actions (not seeing others and being exclusive) or the word official itself? A person can be given the "title" of girlfriend (which according to you would make it official), but he could still be stepping out.
click to expand
In theory.
Only problem is he refuses to officially say, yeah we are exclusive. Yeah lets be together. Yeah I only want to be with you.
So he may be 'currently' not seeing anyone else. But that could easily change... because he's telling her point blank, I won't commit to you aka I want to keep my options open.
Man I've been seeing for 6 months states that he doesnt like using labels. He isnt dating or talking to anyone else, we see each other usually 4 times a week, he routinely hangs out with my family, works 60 hours a week and still rearranges his schedule for me, invites me to his work/family functions, makes me art, is always respectful and kind, is all around great. But, I dont like that we dont say we are in a full-blown relationship.
I told him a few days ago that I dont want to have sex anymore and that I had other people interested in seeing me, and that I was considering it because I was confused. This upset him. I get it, but I was being honest. He said that me questioning that he treats me casually was a criticism he would not accept. His actual response was "I have never treated you casually. In-fact I have treated important things casually, to make time for you. I do not/will not accept that criticism"
I genuinely dont think this is a case of him wanting his cake and eating it too. He is very spiritual and lives by a very Buddhist mentality of non-attachment and living strictly in the moment. Not focusing on the past or future. To the point that he seldom makes any plans with ANYONE more than a day in advance, because it causes stress. To be honest I admire it. I see the validity and beauty in that life style .
However, it is hard for me. He says that im stuck in a very 3D mentality. But, my mind constantly wanders to "does this mean im investing and there is no future building?"... "Am I actually important?" He thinks those thoughts are superficial. When I really sit and think about it, he's right.
Its hard for me to let go of those false concepts of security. Him stating to me "Im your boyfriend" doesnt take away from the fact he could leave at any moment. Attachments and expectation can be toxic.
Then I'm faced with...am I really willing to let this man go because of this? Does that state negatively on him, or on me?
Its really forced me to question myself, to question how tightly I hold onto the programming set from society on what love and companionship should look like. I always view myself as an evolved individual....but am i?
Thoughts?
My honest opinion is that it's a very flakey approach and one you clearly aren't happy with. Most girls wouldn't be either. It's really for him to be able to do what he wants when he wants and it's not really good enough for you.
Ok yes I get the label thing but when it comes to feeling secure and stable you deserve to have that question answered.
I agree it does sound like he does make time for you but still his attitude is abit wishy washy.
If you truly feel unhappy and if he truly doesn't want to lose you you can ask for what you want and he won't go anywhere. Honestly a man that wants you will not leave but don't suffer because of his selfish way of looking at things and I do think he's being selfish abit and not considering your feelings.
Don't play games just say what you want x
Man I've been seeing for 6 months states that he doesnt like using labels. He isnt dating or talking to anyone else, we see each other usually 4 times a week, he routinely hangs out with my family, works 60 hours a week and still rearranges his schedule for me, invites me to his work/family functions, makes me art, is always respectful and kind, is all around great. But, I dont like that we dont say we are in a full-blown relationship.
I told him a few days ago that I dont want to have sex anymore and that I had other people interested in seeing me, and that I was considering it because I was confused. This upset him. I get it, but I was being honest. He said that me questioning that he treats me casually was a criticism he would not accept. His actual response was "I have never treated you casually. In-fact I have treated important things casually, to make time for you. I do not/will not accept that criticism"
I genuinely dont think this is a case of him wanting his cake and eating it too. He is very spiritual and lives by a very Buddhist mentality of non-attachment and living strictly in the moment. Not focusing on the past or future. To the point that he seldom makes any plans with ANYONE more than a day in advance, because it causes stress. To be honest I admire it. I see the validity and beauty in that life style .
However, it is hard for me. He says that im stuck in a very 3D mentality. But, my mind constantly wanders to "does this mean im investing and there is no future building?"... "Am I actually important?" He thinks those thoughts are superficial. When I really sit and think about it, he's right.
Its hard for me to let go of those false concepts of security. Him stating to me "Im your boyfriend" doesnt take away from the fact he could leave at any moment. Attachments and expectation can be toxic.
Then I'm faced with...am I really willing to let this man go because of this? Does that state negatively on him, or on me?
Its really forced me to question myself, to question how tightly I hold onto the programming set from society on what love and companionship should look like. I always view myself as an evolved individual....but am i?
Thoughts?
My honest opinion is that it's a very flakey approach and one you clearly aren't happy with. Most girls wouldn't be either. It's really for him to be able to do what he wants when he wants and it's not really good enough for you.
Ok yes I get the label thing but when it comes to feeling secure and stable you deserve to have that question answered.
I agree it does sound like he does make time for you but still his attitude is abit wishy washy.
If you truly feel unhappy and if he truly doesn't want to lose you you can ask for what you want and he won't go anywhere. Honestly a man that wants you will not leave but don't suffer because of his selfish way of looking at things and I do think he's being selfish abit and not considering your feelings.
Don't play games just say what you want x
Man I've been seeing for 6 months states that he doesnt like using labels. He isnt dating or talking to anyone else, we see each other usually 4 times a week, he routinely hangs out with my family, works 60 hours a week and still rearranges his schedule for me, invites me to his work/family functions, makes me art, is always respectful and kind, is all around great. But, I dont like that we dont say we are in a full-blown relationship.
I told him a few days ago that I dont want to have sex anymore and that I had other people interested in seeing me, and that I was considering it because I was confused. This upset him. I get it, but I was being honest. He said that me questioning that he treats me casually was a criticism he would not accept. His actual response was "I have never treated you casually. In-fact I have treated important things casually, to make time for you. I do not/will not accept that criticism"
I genuinely dont think this is a case of him wanting his cake and eating it too. He is very spiritual and lives by a very Buddhist mentality of non-attachment and living strictly in the moment. Not focusing on the past or future. To the point that he seldom makes any plans with ANYONE more than a day in advance, because it causes stress. To be honest I admire it. I see the validity and beauty in that life style .
However, it is hard for me. He says that im stuck in a very 3D mentality. But, my mind constantly wanders to "does this mean im investing and there is no future building?"... "Am I actually important?" He thinks those thoughts are superficial. When I really sit and think about it, he's right.
Its hard for me to let go of those false concepts of security. Him stating to me "Im your boyfriend" doesnt take away from the fact he could leave at any moment. Attachments and expectation can be toxic.
Then I'm faced with...am I really willing to let this man go because of this? Does that state negatively on him, or on me?
Its really forced me to question myself, to question how tightly I hold onto the programming set from society on what love and companionship should look like. I always view myself as an evolved individual....but am i?
Thoughts?
My honest opinion is that it's a very flakey approach and one you clearly aren't happy with. Most girls wouldn't be either. It's really for him to be able to do what he wants when he wants and it's not really good enough for you.
Ok yes I get the label thing but when it comes to feeling secure and stable you deserve to have that question answered.
I agree it does sound like he does make time for you but still his attitude is abit wishy washy.
If you truly feel unhappy and if he truly doesn't want to lose you you can ask for what you want and he won't go anywhere. Honestly a man that wants you will not leave but don't suffer because of his selfish way of looking at things and I do think he's being selfish abit and not considering your feelings.
Don't play games just say what you want x
Man I've been seeing for 6 months states that he doesnt like using labels. He isnt dating or talking to anyone else, we see each other usually 4 times a week, he routinely hangs out with my family, works 60 hours a week and still rearranges his schedule for me, invites me to his work/family functions, makes me art, is always respectful and kind, is all around great. But, I dont like that we dont say we are in a full-blown relationship.
I told him a few days ago that I dont want to have sex anymore and that I had other people interested in seeing me, and that I was considering it because I was confused. This upset him. I get it, but I was being honest. He said that me questioning that he treats me casually was a criticism he would not accept. His actual response was "I have never treated you casually. In-fact I have treated important things casually, to make time for you. I do not/will not accept that criticism"
I genuinely dont think this is a case of him wanting his cake and eating it too. He is very spiritual and lives by a very Buddhist mentality of non-attachment and living strictly in the moment. Not focusing on the past or future. To the point that he seldom makes any plans with ANYONE more than a day in advance, because it causes stress. To be honest I admire it. I see the validity and beauty in that life style .
However, it is hard for me. He says that im stuck in a very 3D mentality. But, my mind constantly wanders to "does this mean im investing and there is no future building?"... "Am I actually important?" He thinks those thoughts are superficial. When I really sit and think about it, he's right.
Its hard for me to let go of those false concepts of security. Him stating to me "Im your boyfriend" doesnt take away from the fact he could leave at any moment. Attachments and expectation can be toxic.
Then I'm faced with...am I really willing to let this man go because of this? Does that state negatively on him, or on me?
Its really forced me to question myself, to question how tightly I hold onto the programming set from society on what love and companionship should look like. I always view myself as an evolved individual....but am i?
Thoughts?
My honest opinion is that it's a very flakey approach and one you clearly aren't happy with. Most girls wouldn't be either. It's really for him to be able to do what he wants when he wants and it's not really good enough for you.
Ok yes I get the label thing but when it comes to feeling secure and stable you deserve to have that question answered.
I agree it does sound like he does make time for you but still his attitude is abit wishy washy.
If you truly feel unhappy and if he truly doesn't want to lose you you can ask for what you want and he won't go anywhere. Honestly a man that wants you will not leave but don't suffer because of his selfish way of looking at things and I do think he's being selfish abit and not considering your feelings.
Don't play games just say what you want x
I would focus on actions rather than on a "title."
His refusal to make it official is an action, is it not?
So the only way to make it "official" is to say the word "official?" Is he seeing anyone else? According to the OP, he is not, so is that not "official?" What makes a "relationship" official? Actions (not seeing others and being exclusive) or the word official itself? A person can be given the "title" of girlfriend (which according to you would make it official), but he could still be stepping out.
In theory.
Only problem is he refuses to officially say, yeah we are exclusive. Yeah lets be together. Yeah I only want to be with you.
So he may be 'currently' not seeing anyone else. But that could easily change... because he's telling her point blank, I won't commit to you aka I want to keep my options open.
Even if a person openly says they are yours that can (as you state), "easily change." The dude works 60 hours a week and still finds the time to spend with her and her family. He creates beautiful works of art for her that stems from his heart, while still having to work 60 hours a week. So let's just forget all of those actions and just focus on a menial word called, "Official."
click to expand
If someone commits to you and then is going behind your back and dating others...well thats something else entirely.
The issue here is he is calling the op's need for exclusivity and commitment 'superficial'. Thats a huge slap in the face and shows a basic disconnect and lack of understanding. She's expressed what she needs in order to feel comfortable in the relationship and in order for her to invest fully.
He's being dismissive of her needs and devaluing her views as superficial. Thats his action.
@shakedown
Its also very telling, imo, that he had such a knee jerk reaction to her keeping her options open while he refuses to define what they have/give her the security she's requested. It rings a little hypocritical to me is all.
I told him a few days ago that I dont want to have sex anymore and that I had other people interested in seeing me, and that I was considering it because I was confused. This upset him.
Well... you don't have the same views and needs when in comes to relationships.
I would say if he treats you right, respects you and he's only having sex with you, only seeing you ... Then he's your boyfriend?
Sounds like he's scared of labels, he's scared of committing and he perhaps has had a difficult past dating / falling in love.
Basically : if it bothers you, speak up and if he can't meet you half way... You know what to do..
No matter how amazing and genius he is... If you're not satisfied ... You can't force happiness.
Edited to add: I'm a little biased here because I kinda share his views. I wish you luck nonetheless.
love without attachment means you're not in a relationship, you're free to do whatever you want. so it might be that he kind of wants you to himself without giving labels ( he could still want a relationship with you), so he got jealous over the fact
no you're not wrong here, just misunderstandings
@shakedown
Its also very telling, imo, that he had such a knee jerk reaction to her keeping her options open while he refuses to define what they have/give her the security she's requested. It rings a little hypocritical to me is all.
I told him a few days ago that I dont want to have sex anymore and that I had other people interested in seeing me, and that I was considering it because I was confused. This upset him.
I understand LN.
click to expand
Idk, maybe I'm being too harsh on him.
At the very least theres a basic incompatibility here which could be disastrous.
I can't understand "being with" someone for 6 months of my life and having to question something like, 'Do you consider me to be your girlfriend?' Things like this need to be established within 2-3 months of dating.
I agree with sunmoonrising and others who responded similarly....sounds like he’s just a flake and trying to mask it with “look at me I’m so evolved, I live in the moment, I pity you plebs who attach yourselves to such superficial concepts”
I kind of want to slap him honestly
If labels are pointless in his opinion, then what’s the big fuckin deal in referring to what you have as a relationship? He’s making it more complicated than it needs to be by avoiding a label. Labels act to simplify things, do they not?
I agree actions speak louder than words... and his resistance to a petty little label, which would still make you feel more comfortable, is screaming right now
In summary,
dat shit would bother me too
I legit do not understand the whole resistance to labels thing
Like do you refer to your parents as your parents? Or is it Bob and Karen?
Isn’t “friend” a label too? Do you have “friends?” Or do you refer to them as “likeminded souls you enjoy spending time with”
Sounds truly exhausting to me
At the end of the day ....you have to do what's best for YOU. You two are on two different pages and imo...it's never going to work out. Find people who are on the same path as you with the similar views about love and life. The bs he spews is unrealistic and great in theory but we live in the 3d...we are tied to it ..despite his "beliefs"....but he has no problem getting pussy from you?! If he's living in the 4d-12d...that should be an outdated concept as well...right?! Betcha he gives you some bs excuse about that lol.
@shakedown
Its also very telling, imo, that he had such a knee jerk reaction to her keeping her options open while he refuses to define what they have/give her the security she's requested. It rings a little hypocritical to me is all.
I told him a few days ago that I dont want to have sex anymore and that I had other people interested in seeing me, and that I was considering it because I was confused. This upset him.
I understand LN.
Idk, maybe I'm being too harsh on him.
At the very least theres a basic incompatibility here which could be disastrous.
I hope for the best.
click to expand
Same!
Op give us an update as things develop please. I’m all invested in this saga now
Did this help you decode the behavior?
dxpnet has hosted real conversations like this since 2000. If you value independent communities, you can support the site below.
Every contribution helps keep dxpnet independent and ad-light.
Join the Conversation. Explore Yourself. Connect with Others.
Discover insights, swap stories, and find people. dxpnet is where experiences turn into understanding.
Create Your Free Account →
Man I've been seeing for 6 months states that he doesnt like using labels. He isnt dating or talking to anyone else, we see each other usually 4 times a week, he routinely hangs out with my family, works 60 hours a week and still rearranges his schedule for me, invites me to his work/family functions, makes me art, is always respectful and kind, is all around great. But, I dont like that we dont say we are in a full-blown relationship.
I told him a few days ago that I dont want to have sex anymore and that I had other people interested in seeing me, and that I was considering it because I was confused. This upset him. I get it, but I was being honest. He said that me questioning that he treats me casually was a criticism he would not accept. His actual response was "I have never treated you casually. In-fact I have treated important things casually, to make time for you. I do not/will not accept that criticism"
I genuinely dont think this is a case of him wanting his cake and eating it too. He is very spiritual and lives by a very Buddhist mentality of non-attachment and living strictly in the moment. Not focusing on the past or future. To the point that he seldom makes any plans with ANYONE more than a day in advance, because it causes stress. To be honest I admire it. I see the validity and beauty in that life style .
However, it is hard for me. He says that im stuck in a very 3D mentality. But, my mind constantly wanders to "does this mean im investing and there is no future building?"... "Am I actually important?" He thinks those thoughts are superficial. When I really sit and think about it, he's right.
Its hard for me to let go of those false concepts of security. Him stating to me "Im your boyfriend" doesnt take away from the fact he could leave at any moment. Attachments and expectation can be toxic.
Then I'm faced with...am I really willing to let this man go because of this? Does that state negatively on him, or on me?
Its really forced me to question myself, to question how tightly I hold onto the programming set from society on what love and companionship should look like. I always view myself as an evolved individual....but am i?
Thoughts?