what is the one thing you wish your wife/gf/bf knew, but you feel you can’t explain to them

question inspired by something i read. i'd be interested to know what the men of dxpnet think.

This might sound funny or rather creepy to y'all but this what I'm about to say is some serious business. Very serious. I wish this new Capricorn girlfriend of mine only knew all my secret fetishes and desires but I can't come out forward with it. It would be hard to explain. It pisses me off sometimes being extremely private. I wish I had some courage like extroverts got.

Posted by Gobbie

If you're not prepared to share a secret with your other half, what makes you think male dxpers will disclose it here to internet strangers?

the cloak of anonymity often allows for truths to be told.

i'm not here to judge anyone. thoughts and feelings can be hard to express to those who matter.

edit - and on a selfish note, i think hearing from men in this way is useful to women. maybe i need to ask more questions or be more compassionate and understanding in certain circumstances. as someone who really works to make my relationship happy and successful, this is great stuff for me to help consider my partner in a way that i have perhaps have never done so before.

Posted by Gobbie

Posted by Jumpin_Jupiter

This might sound funny or rather creepy to y'all but this what I'm about to say is some serious business. Very serious. I wish this new Capricorn girlfriend of mine only knew all my secret fetishes and desires but I can't come out forward with it. It would be hard to explain. It pisses me off sometimes being extremely private. I wish I had some courage like extroverts got.

If you want the relationship to have any potential longevity, it'd be best to tell her or you'll remain unfulfilled.

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Shucks dude, you don't know how difficult it is for someone like me. I can't just up and tell my secret desires and fantasies like that. All my current and past relationships were and are based on women taking full control. My main purpose for even being in relationships are to have someone in my life to advocate for me since my flesh and blood immediate family ain't worth a shit. I'm no good at talking much. And in times of trouble who else can I turn to to speak up on my behalf or explain things other than my significant other?

Posted by Dreamy88

How hard it is for me to provide comfort and affection. It feels like another language. I always feel robotic, as in I do things because it's what you're supposed to do. For me it's extremely awkward when someone is really down and they're venting to me. Do I put my hand on their head and pat it? Do I say don't worry? Do I just sit there and listen?

what do you do? for me, listening is great. commiserating is ideal and even agreeing that everything that is happening is completely and utterly fucked up. if you want, at the end, you can ask if there is anything you can do the help. above all, just be a friend in those instances.

Nothing, really....sooner or later they will find out everything they want to know.

Posted by Dreamy88

Posted by jeane

Posted by Dreamy88

How hard it is for me to provide comfort and affection. It feels like another language. I always feel robotic, as in I do things because it's what you're supposed to do. For me it's extremely awkward when someone is really down and they're venting to me. Do I put my hand on their head and pat it? Do I say don't worry? Do I just sit there and listen?

what do you do? for me, listening is great. commiserating is ideal and even agreeing that everything that is happening is completely and utterly fucked up. if you want, at the end, you can ask if there is anything you can do the help. above all, just be a friend in those instances.

Normally I just sit there and say a few filler words, but my default reaction would be to change the subject, but it always loops back. It's no problem if it's asking for advice on physical things, but people wanting to vent is a whole different area for me. Half of the times I plainly say "I don't really have much input on this topic" after I've listened a bit because I really don't know what to say

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you often don't need to say anything. just be there to listen. lots of "uh-huh" and "yeah" and "oh god" is normally all you need.

and the more you do it, the better you'll become at it.

Posted by Undine

Nothing, really....sooner or later they will find out everything they want to know.

but what about the things you want them to know?

Posted by jeane

Posted by Undine

Nothing, really....sooner or later they will find out everything they want to know.

but what about the things you want them to know?

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That I expect to be treated at least as well as I treat him. If I have to explain this to him, it's already too late.

it´s not that deep ....

i wish partners would stop feeling entitled to their SO thoughts and personality.

Posted by WarAngel

There's only two women I'd like to be completely open with, but I have to say is between me and them.

Everyone else, there's always a degree of not disclosing every single thing. It's just how I'm built.

I have five levels of trust, and only three women have broken through at least four of them.

i can appreciate that not everything is shared between couples. i'm certain my partner doesn't tell me every little thing and i don't share everything with him either.

the question is more about men want to share with their partner, either about themselves or their partner or the relationship but just don't feel like they can. maybe they don't have the confidence to say it, or the words to fully express themselves or feel that if they do, then their partner might react negatively.

years ago i read an article by a couples therapist that it's common belief amongst women that men don't feel very much. on the contrary this therapist said, men feel things very deeply and have a lot to say but for one reason or another, don't.

Hm. I wish I could tell my SO or reveal to him how much emotion is truly simmering under the surface but i never want to upset his Libra scales. He might be offended that I'm not as upfront and honest as some people but I really don't know how to phrase my emotions in a way that's objective and won't seem crazy. In other words, not trying to rain on his parade. I think he doesn't want to rain on mine either.

I’d like all my exes to know how grateful i am for knowing them and what I’ve learned about myself through being with them...

Invaluable ❤️

Posted by Gobbie

Posted by jeane

years ago i read an article by a couples therapist that it's common belief amongst women that men don't feel very much. on the contrary this therapist said, men feel things very deeply and have a lot to say but for one reason or another, don't.

This is why, over the years, I've become less sympathetic and more cynical about women and their emotions. Don't get me wrong, I still consider myself an avid humanist but I'm now more discerning.

For example, take crying. In general, crying is psychologically and emotionally beneficial for all and, as an outlet, provides a great form of release. Women freely cry whenever they want and society has no problem with that. However, it's common knowledge that women sometimes use crying for manipulative purposes... but many still go along with the deception, even when they know the tears aren't sincere.

But, with regards to men, crying is frowned upon in society - even amongst most women. Ask women how they feel about men crying and you'll get varying answers but, ultimately, women only condone men crying when the situation suits women and women only. Forget about how such an action can potentially benefit a man's emotional state.

In other words, when a woman wants a man to be vulnerable, crying is perfectly acceptable but, outside of those covertly desired situations, the man is considered weak. It doesn't really help that men have no idea when it's okay to cry in front of a woman without being judged (after all, men are not mind readers).

Does all the above sound fair and in the spirit of gender equality? Most certainly not!

As a result, when women complain about men, I shake my head because it works both ways. No one gender is perfect or above scrutiny, and baseless gender generalisations help no-one when it comes to supporting emotional and psychological health for all.

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💯

Posted by geminiflyby

Doesn't it all boil down to trust? If the trust is there then you have the freedom to be vulnerable. It all happens gradually as you grow together. I don't want to hear all your deep/darks from the jump. I want to get to know you, and reveal myself to you. Because sometimes you find something that would be objectionable when you don't have feelings for that person, to be more accepting of it once you have the context of that person and want to please them. If I am with you and also have to hide who I am, then why am I with you?

but you're female right? i think it's different for men.

being vulnerable is hard at the best of times especially when life conditions you that your role in society is to always be strong and in control.

as gobby said, knowing when that is acceptable and when it is is not is hard to discern.

plus women do say it's a safe space but their reactions don't always demonstrate that. men fear a loss of respect, mockery, derision. and if they have experienced that once by showing the soft underbelly, what makes them confident to do it again?

Posted by Gobbiewomen only condone men crying when the situation suits women and women only. Forget about how such an action can potentially benefit a man's emotional state.

i take your point but this part here i disagree with. some women? perhaps. but not all.

Posted by geminiflyby

That's exactly my point! If people are saying it's a safe space and then betray it, that's pretty fucked up and that would end the relationship. Trust would be gone. I WANT to meet the skeletons in your closet........eventually......

i'm afraid that's probably about 98% of relationships and their s.o means a lot to men. most men don't leave their partners if they are hurt by them. they just adapt.

any way, it doesn't even have to be bad or objectionable or even a skeleton. it could be just something very personal or very deep feeling.

Posted by Sabotage

I’m pretty good at explaining if I need to. I definitely don’t feel the need if no-one’s asking. It’s a good system lol.

are you male or female?

(despite this thread being in the man cave and specifically addressed to men, women are answering and it is muddying the water.)

Posted by Gobbie

Posted by jeane

Posted by Gobbiewomen only condone men crying when the situation suits women and women only. Forget about how such an action can potentially benefit a man's emotional state.

i take your point but this part here i disagree with. some women? perhaps. but not all.

Now, you're nit-picking because you know full well that your point was already clearly defined earlier on (in bold).

Posted by Gobbie

But, with regards to men, crying is frowned upon in society - even amongst most women. Ask women how they feel about men crying and you'll get varying answers but, ultimately, women only condone men crying when the situation suits women and women only. Forget about how such an action can potentially benefit a man's emotional state.

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ok.

possibly I was picking up a misogynistic vibe in your post which got me defensive.

Posted by Antiphates

Posted by jeane

Posted by Antiphates

I think there is nothing I personally can contribute to the thread at the moment but there is a video I recently watched that might touch on a lot of the unspoken issues between men and women.

is this scripted?

if not, it's an interesting conversation. i can't relate to it. those two shouldn't be having sex with each other. i think they are compounding each other's issues and he needs to deal with his anger issue towards women. until then his sex will always be shit.

I don't know, but I don't have the impression it is. It certainly is edited for some comedic effects though.

What he mentioned in one of the comments is that they have turn-based conversations where the conversation is centered around what that person wants to talk about and that it was one of his turn conversations.

This might be a fundamental disagreement, but I think they should continue to explore what they have, because, they, in their own way, seem to have a decently healthy relationship.

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Great video and they communicate well. They are very self aware. I liked the girl a lot. She reminds me of a Virgo I know.

Posted by Gobbie

Posted by jeane

Posted by Gobbie

Posted by jeane

Posted by Gobbiewomen only condone men crying when the situation suits women and women only. Forget about how such an action can potentially benefit a man's emotional state.

i take your point but this part here i disagree with. some women? perhaps. but not all.

Now, you're nit-picking because you know full well that your point was already clearly defined earlier on (in bold).

Posted by Gobbie

But, with regards to men, crying is frowned upon in society - even amongst most women. Ask women how they feel about men crying and you'll get varying answers but, ultimately, women only condone men crying when the situation suits women and women only. Forget about how such an action can potentially benefit a man's emotional state.

ok.

possibly I was picking up a misogynistic vibe in your post which got me defensive.

See, here we go…

Playing the ‘misogynistic card’ when, deep down, you know that what I’ve said is the truth.

Even though my example merely supports the therapist’s experienced insights (which YOU brought up).

Even though my example is a clear indication of female hypocrisy amongst MOST women, and is an open secret in modern society.

Even though I’ve made it clear that I’m a humanist and grant human respect to those who DESERVE it (irrespective of gender).

Can you answer me why it’s perfectly okay for women to criticise men and other women, but when men criticise women they’re vilified? Seriously, how is that in any way balanced or fair?

You claim you want to understand but, you’re no better than other women who don’t like insightful men telling them the truth about themselves.

Instead of taking stock in your own flawed behaviour, you’d rather deflect and resort to toxic, manipulative and passive-aggressive tactics, such as nit-picking word usage and spelling, instead of focusing on an issue that adversely affects most of the male population.

Oh, silly me, we can campaign for issues in support of women but not for men. Let them all suck it up and have a significantly shorter life expectancy as a result, right?

Misogyny is merely a defensive smokescreen that most women use when men call them out on their shit. But if women can freely do the same thing to men, why can’t it be the other way round? It’s only fair, no?

I’m one of the few male dxpers who is prepared to speak out about gender discrepancies, because the most of the rest are either too spineless or/and more concerned about being liked and adored.

Personally, I couldn’t give a crap because any woman who refuses to understand or empathise with what I’m trying to say isn’t a real woman, and such inferior, lesser women I certainly don’t have the time nor patience for.

Out there, there are real women who truly sympathise with the issues presented. They are the ones who deserve my respect – not just as women, but as humane human beings.

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that you call it a "card" infers that you think it's a ploy. to do so without taking a second to acknowledge what i am saying shows that you have no introspection because it's easier to immediately jump to the assumption that i am trying to manipulate the situation.

you assume an awful lot about me. have i ever said anything about campaigning men's rights? their life expectancy? why are you bringing that up? what has this got to do with this discussion?

i didn't create the thread to bash men, nor is it an excuse to blanket bash women like you did in your post.

to say that women use crying to manipulate men (you actually say manipulate quite a lot, did you know that?) is as valid as saying that men are self serving liars. neither statement is true. you can criticise me all you like. say that i am defensive, toxic, passive aggressive. i know that is not the case. the simple fact is your reaction is so far over the top to my post that i think i may have hit a nerve.

but you know, i wish you well. merry christmas.

Posted by Sabotage

Posted by jeane

Posted by Sabotage

I’m pretty good at explaining if I need to. I definitely don’t feel the need if no-one’s asking. It’s a good system lol.

are you male or female?

(despite this thread being in the man cave and specifically addressed to men, women are answering and it is muddying the water.)

I’m QUITE the rebel. Or possibly illiterate. Soz bro.

Anyway rulez R 4 Luzerz let’s loosen up see where it takes us YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE! ANARCHY! DOWN WITH THE SYSTEMMM etc ok I will read more carefully in future

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nah it's ok.